G
Guernica
Guest
As some of you already know, I have been happily married to a wonderful, loving man for 10 years.
My problem is his bachelor older brother, “Steve.”
Steve is in his early fifties, morbidly obese, drinks heavily, often behaves in a churlish, abrasive manner, and has never had a girlfriend. Years ago, when my husband brought me home to meet his family, the first thing Steve did was make a bunch of nasty jokes about my hometown (he’s ALWAYS on about how much he hates Big City Folk, when everybody knows I was born in a big city.) Then he hollers about how “You’re too sensitive!”
Steve’s only conversation with me consists of crude put-downs and criticisms, and he has often tried to play cruel pranks on me. For example, the last time we were all staying in my mother-in-law’s house, my husband has had to stop Steve from jumping on me when I was in bed asleep – when he heard that I was dead tired from a long flight, he thought it would be funny to go wake me up. After that I would only visit my in-laws when we were all staying at hotels, so I could sleep behind a safely locked door.
Steve often grabs me from behind when my back is turned, persisting even after my husband and I told him that I don’t like being startled like that. He even kept doing it after my husband took him aside and told him very sternly that he was to stop that immediately. At our last family visit, a combination birthday and graduation party for my teenage niece, Steve “greeted” me with a full-body grab from behind, then literally ran away. No “Hello,” no “How are you?”, nothing – and he did it right in front of my husband and several other family members, including teenage kids! I also saw him grabbing at my sister-in-law, his other brother’s wife, in the same manner later that day as well.
Then on the next day, during my niece’s party, Steve waited until my back was turned and I was engaged in handing out drinks to some of the family, and then put his hand up under my skirt and fondled my thigh.
That was simply the last straw. As soon as I got home I informed Steve and my husband’s family via certified mail letters that I won’t associate with Steve ever again because he has established a clear pattern of abuse and antagonism, and because he sexually harassed me at the last event I attended. I simply do not feel comfortable or safe with a man twice my size who stubbornly refuses to stop grabbing at me, disregarding both my own and my husband’s reprimands. I wrote that since he apparently cannot or will not keep his hands off me, I cannot visit him without knowingly courting scandal and providing a near occasion of sin.
My husband agrees with me and completely supports my decision; he says that he practically has to run Secret Service detail and watch Steve every second to keep him off me, and he’s dead tired of it.
But now my in-laws have decided that I’M the bad guy persecuting poor Steve, because I’m “unforgiving” and won’t give him yet another chance, even though he’s openly targeted me for nasty treatment for over ten years, and his grabby hands are now going to more explicit places – in the middle of a child’s party, no less! What if one of the many teenage kids present saw him do it…?!
Nonetheless, my in-laws appear to want me to cover up for Steve and pretend like nothing happened. My husband has confronted Steve over the phone, and Steve insists that he didn’t mean anything and was just joking when he kept grabbing me and then fondled my leg. He keeps saying: “I only touched her below the knee!” and “I’m sorry for whatever it was that she thinks I did!”
I am now prepared to cut most of my in-laws out of my life entirely – this is all just ridiculous, and I won’t be dragged into a scandal. To me it’s plain as day that the man just gets some bizarre pleasure from violating women’s personal boundaries, and I can’t possibly risk my own reputation by accommodating his wandering hands. But his family seems dead set on denying what happened, and they keep insisting that I just misunderstood.
Some of them are insisting that Steve would NEVER do something like that, and then in the next breath they’ll say that he didn’t mean anything by it. So… which is it? Did he not do it, or did he do it and not mean anything bad by it?
What would you do? I don’t see any way I could ever feel safe with such a person!
My problem is his bachelor older brother, “Steve.”
Steve is in his early fifties, morbidly obese, drinks heavily, often behaves in a churlish, abrasive manner, and has never had a girlfriend. Years ago, when my husband brought me home to meet his family, the first thing Steve did was make a bunch of nasty jokes about my hometown (he’s ALWAYS on about how much he hates Big City Folk, when everybody knows I was born in a big city.) Then he hollers about how “You’re too sensitive!”
Steve’s only conversation with me consists of crude put-downs and criticisms, and he has often tried to play cruel pranks on me. For example, the last time we were all staying in my mother-in-law’s house, my husband has had to stop Steve from jumping on me when I was in bed asleep – when he heard that I was dead tired from a long flight, he thought it would be funny to go wake me up. After that I would only visit my in-laws when we were all staying at hotels, so I could sleep behind a safely locked door.
Steve often grabs me from behind when my back is turned, persisting even after my husband and I told him that I don’t like being startled like that. He even kept doing it after my husband took him aside and told him very sternly that he was to stop that immediately. At our last family visit, a combination birthday and graduation party for my teenage niece, Steve “greeted” me with a full-body grab from behind, then literally ran away. No “Hello,” no “How are you?”, nothing – and he did it right in front of my husband and several other family members, including teenage kids! I also saw him grabbing at my sister-in-law, his other brother’s wife, in the same manner later that day as well.
Then on the next day, during my niece’s party, Steve waited until my back was turned and I was engaged in handing out drinks to some of the family, and then put his hand up under my skirt and fondled my thigh.
That was simply the last straw. As soon as I got home I informed Steve and my husband’s family via certified mail letters that I won’t associate with Steve ever again because he has established a clear pattern of abuse and antagonism, and because he sexually harassed me at the last event I attended. I simply do not feel comfortable or safe with a man twice my size who stubbornly refuses to stop grabbing at me, disregarding both my own and my husband’s reprimands. I wrote that since he apparently cannot or will not keep his hands off me, I cannot visit him without knowingly courting scandal and providing a near occasion of sin.
My husband agrees with me and completely supports my decision; he says that he practically has to run Secret Service detail and watch Steve every second to keep him off me, and he’s dead tired of it.
But now my in-laws have decided that I’M the bad guy persecuting poor Steve, because I’m “unforgiving” and won’t give him yet another chance, even though he’s openly targeted me for nasty treatment for over ten years, and his grabby hands are now going to more explicit places – in the middle of a child’s party, no less! What if one of the many teenage kids present saw him do it…?!
Nonetheless, my in-laws appear to want me to cover up for Steve and pretend like nothing happened. My husband has confronted Steve over the phone, and Steve insists that he didn’t mean anything and was just joking when he kept grabbing me and then fondled my leg. He keeps saying: “I only touched her below the knee!” and “I’m sorry for whatever it was that she thinks I did!”
I am now prepared to cut most of my in-laws out of my life entirely – this is all just ridiculous, and I won’t be dragged into a scandal. To me it’s plain as day that the man just gets some bizarre pleasure from violating women’s personal boundaries, and I can’t possibly risk my own reputation by accommodating his wandering hands. But his family seems dead set on denying what happened, and they keep insisting that I just misunderstood.
Some of them are insisting that Steve would NEVER do something like that, and then in the next breath they’ll say that he didn’t mean anything by it. So… which is it? Did he not do it, or did he do it and not mean anything bad by it?
What would you do? I don’t see any way I could ever feel safe with such a person!
