Brother living in sin invites you to dinner. Do you go?

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howletus

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So my older brother is now divorced. He was married in the church and no annulment. He is now living with the girl he carried on an 8 month affair with while his wife was home with their 13 month old daughter and pregnant with his second daughter. He knows where I stand. He seems more concerned with me than God. He says he talked to a priest. They are living together as brother and sister for financial reasons. His girlfriend like the woman he married before her is going through the RCIA program. Not sure where this is coming from. He invited the family to dinner at their new place. I am the only one in a Catholic family of 6 that has made the effort to learn about his faith. I understand why this is wrong. I know what this living situation will lead to. I know the bad example he is setting for his daughters. I know the wedge he is putting between him and the mother of his children.
I know and I don’t feel right going. Because he doesn’t understand, I think if I say I can’t go he would think I am crazy.
“Yeah, it’s wrong to live in sin but come on”. This is what he would be thinking. I know where he’s coming from because I’ve been there. Not any more. It amazes me and sometimes scares me how acceptable all this is, even among Catholics, and how contradictory this is to the way we are called to live. We all know the 10 commandments but it’s just not real when it ends at rules. Bottom line. I don’t want to go.

Advice/throughts please…
 
Don’t go if you really don’t want to. But… this could be a chance for something good, maybe? If they do end up getting married will you not have any sort of relationship with him/them? You will stil be his children’s Aunt, will they be there?

J
 
That’s a tough one, I will admit. However, if it were me, I would go. Just because it’s a chance to be with family.
Kathy
 
I am going to give you my opinion from the perspective of your former sister in law as I have been in her shoes…almost to a t.

I, as the wife, have felt extremely betrayed…not only by my stbx husband but also by his family, who knowing what he did and how he treated ds, dd and me, acted like all was ok. It’s a strange feeling to see people, who claimed to be your family and love you, act like you meant nothing and that all is ok with the behavior of this family member.

I don’t want ds anywhere near them because I know they have no real values or morals, I do think that when you put your foot down and don’t tolerate behavior like that it sends a message.

You can be loving and charitable without being part of the behavior and condoning it. I would suggest that you don’t go if you feel as strongly about it (sounds like it from your post) and I admire you for not being ok with this behavior. It’s hurtful and destructive, if your brother wants an explanation give it to him…tell him he was wrong in his behavior and you don’t feel comfortable condoning it. I can tell you it would have gone a long way in my healing had someone stood up to my stbx husband. And although I don’t know for sure…I doubt very much that they are living as brother and sister…just my two cents.
 
I don’t know if they are actually living as brother and sister. I just don’t see how if he was taking this relationship and his faith seriously they would allow their financial situation to put them in a living situation of CONSTANT temptation. This relationship started by her being his coworker. She was also in a struggling marriage at the time. I don’t see a lot of self control here. This is why I don’t believe they are living as brother and sister.
I’m also thinking, if I just say I can’t make it without giving a reason, he might think I am finally accepting his situation but just can’t make it. I am Godfather to his first daughter. I remember on the day of her Baptism, he hugged me and in tears credited me for bringing him back to the church. A year later he’s going through a divorce for carrying on an 8 month affair with a woman in his office. I love my brother. We love being around eachother. For that reason I want to go. But for fear of sending the wrong message, I’d rather stick to my guns. I don’t think he’s even living like this because he’s consciously going against a church teaching. I just don’t think he gets it and it’s a constant struggle for me to find the words to get through to him.
 
Stick to your guns.

My only sister, whom I love very much, has considered getting back together with her son’s father. He is divorced from a wife of twelve years, my sister got pregnant with my nephew while he was only separated from his wife:mad:. They are Christian, married in a protestant church…so the marriage is presumed valid.

She knows exactly where I stand if she decided to get back together with him. I told her our relationship would change and I would only see her and my nephew alone, away from where ever they lived and NEVER with him. She got her feelings hurt because she thought I was rejecting her son. I told her it would hurt me wayyyy more than her because I wouldn’t get to see him as often and he is my Godson and I love him to pieces.

I told her that getting together with her son’s father would be committing adultery and I would NOT condone that, my loyalty was to God first and if meant not having a relationship with her well then things would have to be that way.

It’s hard, very hard to say that and to go through with it, but she knows where I stand and it would be her choice, but she knows the consequences, as painful as it is.

Stay strong, your loyalty should be to God first and his commandments, continue to pray for strength.
 
Jesus ate with sinners.

Jesus said to forgive your brother 70 times 7(?) times.

Voting with your (dusted off) feet is an option once all the other options are exhausted.
 
I think you’re missing the point here. It’s not that I don’t forgive him. I love him. I can love the sinner and hate the sin. However, doesn’t forgiveness come from repenting of your sins.
He didn’t fall and pick himself up. He is living in sin.
He has made sin a way of life. I don’t want to condone this by just accepting it. I may be the only one in his life to make him think about this.
 
Personal decision that noone can really answer for you. I would eat with my brother anyhow regardless of what anyone thinks.
 
I have two thoughts. One kind of contradicts the other. :rolleyes:

The first is my policy on co habitating relatives is that I will go to their homes, but I won’t take my kids. For my brothers and sister, I verbally have rebuked them (with love and gentleness) about their choices–just one time. I’ve never had any positive response from this action, but I take the seriously admonition:
Eczekial 3:1819 If I say to the wicked, you shall surely die, and you give him no warning, nor speak to warn the wicked from his wicked way, in order to save his life, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood I will required at your hand. But if you warn the wicked and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but you will have saved your life.
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The second is that I had a recent epiphany that we should take these dilemmas first to Jesus in Adoration before (or even instead of) seeking others’ opinions. So, take this problem to
Adoration first! Jesus will be a far better advisor than we can be.
 
leonie said:

*The first is my policy on co habitating relatives is that I will go to their homes, but I won’t take my kids. *

I AGREE!!! I’m dealing with the same thing. I personally don’t go at all because my sister openly flaunts it (like a 3 year old saying nee-ner nee-ner nee-ner):mad: , she is not repentant and she is bringing her 3 kids into the mix and damaging them in the process. She will allow me access to her kids whenever I want so I deal with them seperately. Other people I deal with by not exposing my kids to it.

PP said Jesus ate with sinners…VERY TRUE. But while he ate with them, he showed love and compassion and POINTED OUT THE ERROR of their ways. If you can do that, go!
 
Father Serpa gave you an answer, howletus. He agrees that you should not go.
 
howletus said:
I know what this living situation will lead to.
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You don’t. Or if you do know things with such a certainty, please mail me tomorrow’s NASDAQ closing prices.

But of course, you may have a reasonable guess. And you may pray for them that this reasonable guess doesn’t become true.
 
*I would go. My sister was in somewhat of a similiar situation. She divorced, no annulment, and was living with a divorced man, who left his wife (and three kids, one of which was a newborn) to be with my sister. I was visiting Florida at the time, and she asked me to meet him. My kids were traveling with me, my husband had to work and couldn’t come with us–so we met them both for dinner. It was awkward. She knew my feelings about him.

I went to dinner, we had a nice time–and I always prayed for them. I prayed mainly that my sister would see she was living in sin, and would end the relationship. Guess what? She did! Praise be to God! So, keep the faith, pray that he ends this relationship. Nothing good can come from this relationship–God doesn’t whisper in our ears to leave our spouses, and have affairs so we can find ‘true happiness’…so this relationship truly doesn’t have God’s blessing whatsoever. 😦 That being said, be kind, polite…when asked for dinner, go. But, I agree with the poster to not bring your kids. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have had my kids join us. They were 11 and 14 at the time, but still. It was so very awkward for them, I regret bringing them back then. They loved their uncle (my sister’s ex) so they were so visibly awkward at the dinner.

Pray pray pray for your brother. He needs prayers more than anything. I will keep you all in my prayers, too. Trust that with God, all things are possible. I never thought my sister would leave that man, but she did. And she came back to the Church, and is now considering the annulment process. I pray things get better for your family. :hug1:*
 
howletus said:
So my older brother is now divorced. He was married in the church and no annulment. He is now living with the girl he carried on an 8 month affair with while his wife was home with their 13 month old daughter and pregnant with his second daughter. He knows where I stand. He seems more concerned with me than God. He says he talked to a priest. They are living together as brother and sister for financial reasons. His girlfriend like the woman he married before her is going through the RCIA program. Not sure where this is coming from. He invited the family to dinner at their new place. I am the only one in a Catholic family of 6 that has made the effort to learn about his faith. I understand why this is wrong. I know what this living situation will lead to. I know the bad example he is setting for his daughters. I know the wedge he is putting between him and the mother of his children.
I know and I don’t feel right going. Because he doesn’t understand, I think if I say I can’t go he would think I am crazy.
“Yeah, it’s wrong to live in sin but come on”. This is what he would be thinking. I know where he’s coming from because I’ve been there. Not any more. It amazes me and sometimes scares me how acceptable all this is, even among Catholics, and how contradictory this is to the way we are called to live. We all know the 10 commandments but it’s just not real when it ends at rules. Bottom line. I don’t want to go.

Advice/throughts please…
Click to expand...
I would go. Your brother is living in sin, but he is still family, and seems to want to have a relationship with you. I don’t think you going there would mean you agree with his decision to live with the girlfriend. Your brother already knows where you stand on that.

Plus, in being close to him you can influence him to do the right thing. If you simply refuse to go, and as you say he wont understand it would just damage your relationship.
 
You can continue having a relationship with your brother even if you don’t go to this dinner. I think you need to ask your brother to come out to dinner with you alone, at a place where you can really talk. Tell him why you cannot approve of what he has done, tell him how much Jesus is hurting from his sin, ask him to end this relationship. I would even consider helping him financial or having him move into my apartment in order that his money situation can’t be an excuse for this other sin.

Go to Adoration and bring this to God. Ask your priest for advice, perhaps you can even arrange to meet your brother’s priest with him.

I will be praying for you.
 
Remember that he is still your brother.

Go to the dinner. You don’t have to approve of his behavior.I don’t approve of it either, but he is still your brother! If I didn’t hang out with some of my siblings because of their questionable actions I would not be “Hating the sin and loving the sinner.”
 
Christ hung out with the worst of the worst sinners. It freaked out the Pharisees, and he called them hypocrites. What is more likely to help your brother become reconciled with God: shunning him or visiting with him in love? What’s important is that he knows you disapprove of his sin (you said he knows where you stand)—and that you show your love for him nevertheless. As they say, hate the sin, love the sinner. Besides, aren’t you a sinner too? We all are.
 
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