Brother now living with girlfriend, adopted moral relativism

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I am asking how to best respond to my 26 year old brother, who has been dating an immoral, non-Christian woman and recently moved in with her. They now live together as if married.

After estranging himself from our family and associating mostly with her “anything goes” family, he seems to have abandoned our family mores and adopted a moral relativist position.

As we attempt to reconcile siblings, he has responded extremely angrily to my efforts to discuss his wrong and disgraceful lifestyle choices (eg. objective right and wrong, and hurt and shame they cause the parents and me). He announces angrily that I have no right to judge him, his relationship with God is his business alone, and that he intends to do whatever gives him pleasure. He seems to now somehow believe that morality is nothing more than one’s individual choices and conception.

How should I best address this? I am extremely upset, and cannot just say “fine by me.” On the other hand, he becomes angry when anyone criticizes his immoral choices. He no longer seems to believe in an objective standard of morality. I might tacitly stop criticizing “mere” grave sexual immorality; but if Brother no longer believes that evil is objective, I cannot accept that and would rather be estranged. Please advise on how to address this dilemma.
 
Also, please say one Our Father for my brother, and for me and our parents. TY
 
it is better to avoid heretics, even if it is your own brother…I’ve seen entire families destroyed because the family members could not reconcile the love for their family member with the decisions they were making…I am not saying to stop loving your brother or forget about him, pray for him everyday and inform him that you don’t talk to heretics b/c it is a detriment to your faith, trust in the Lord and hope that your brother realizes the error of his ways
 
I think you should make it known (which you apparently have) how you feel about it but also make it known that you will gladly talk to him or her about returning to the Catholic faith, or about God in general. It’s important that they see you sticking to your guns, but it’s also important they see you living a proper Catholic life. Total estrangement just turns your back on them and removes them from exposure to you, and if you are living a life that spreads Jesus into the world it’s something they both need very much.

Talk to him on the phone. Pray for him. Send him cards telling him your praying for him. Get all your Catholic family to pray as well, and get them to talk to him as well. And pray for her. She needs Christ as well!
 
Make sure your family sticks together and your brother can see, very obviously, that his attitudes and his behaviours will never be condoned. As long as you are there for him when and if he decides to ‘come home’. Otherwise, there is not much you can do. He may just have to learn some of life’s lessons the hard way.
 
HI Annunciatina,

your brother is obviously commited to this woman to such an extent that he is risking his family relationship to go through with it. As such, you judging him publicly at this stage is guaranteed to evoke an angry response.

You cannot save your brother’s soul, so set the example in your own life, and wait for him to refocus his life once the excitement has receded - which I’m sure it will,

In the meantime pray for him and his girlfriend,

God bless
 
You guys are re-living my life and that of my older brother. When I was in my twenties, I did the same as your brother when I moved off to a new city and had no family or friends there other than my girlfriend. I had a million reasons to do so. My older brother reacted so coldly. In addition to my mother and father talking to me and advising me and parenting me, I had to deal with him. It was painful. I really didn’t want him to be a third parent, and just wanted him to not care so much about my situation. I also didn’t like that I couldn’t really speak with him without feeling like I was going to be grilled or treated like a black sheep. It strained our relationship for years.

Fast forward about ten years to the present day. As I’m typing this to you, I have more love and respect for my older brother than I could imagine. I wish that I could have his strength and convictions. I find his devotion to his faith inspirational. That he would risk the . . . what are the words? . . . comfortable normalcy of our relationship because he put God first and knew I was putting my parents through so much pain without even caring… I don’t know. What I’m trying to say is that I can’t predict how things will end up with you and your brother, but looking back on things, he was 100% in the right for not accepting how I chose to live. And in so doing became one of the shining beacons that led me from my agnosticism and back to the faith. I love that guy.

I’ll pray for him and for you. I hope you can maintain some version of your relationship with your brother and at the same time be clear that you don’t accept what he’s doing. At some point you probably have made your point enough and you don’t need to reiterate why he is wrong. The reasons for debating with him are probably over now. Just rely on your Christian love and behavior and prayer to do the rest.

Feel free to ask me any questions about my experience.
 
bmullins said:
I think you should make it known (which you apparently have) how you feel about it but also make it known that you will gladly talk to him or her about returning to the Catholic faith, or about God in general. It’s important that they see you sticking to your guns, but it’s also important they see you living a proper Catholic life. Total estrangement just turns your back on them and removes them from exposure to you, and if you are living a life that spreads Jesus into the world it’s something they both need very much.

Talk to him on the phone. Pray for him. Send him cards telling him your praying for him. Get all your Catholic family to pray as well, and get them to talk to him as well. And pray for her. She needs Christ as well!
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I agree with this. Also, this article/blog will help you quite a bit:
blog.adw.org/2009/11/fraternal-correction-the-forgotten-virtue/
 
Annunciatina said:
I am asking how to best respond to my 26 year old brother, who has been dating an immoral, non-Christian woman and recently moved in with her. They now live together as if married.

After estranging himself from our family and associating mostly with her “anything goes” family, he seems to have abandoned our family mores and adopted a moral relativist position.

As we attempt to reconcile siblings, he has responded extremely angrily to my efforts to discuss his wrong and disgraceful lifestyle choices (eg. objective right and wrong, and hurt and shame they cause the parents and me). He announces angrily that I have no right to judge him, his relationship with God is his business alone, and that he intends to do whatever gives him pleasure. He seems to now somehow believe that morality is nothing more than one’s individual choices and conception.

How should I best address this? I am extremely upset, and cannot just say “fine by me.” On the other hand, he becomes angry when anyone criticizes his immoral choices. He no longer seems to believe in an objective standard of morality. I might tacitly stop criticizing “mere” grave sexual immorality; but if Brother no longer believes that evil is objective, I cannot accept that and would rather be estranged. Please advise on how to address this dilemma.
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I voted other. I’m going to assume that your brother is Catholic. He already knows right from wrong and telling him won’t help anything it will only cause problems.
My advice to you is to let things alone and accept the situation. Show your love for your brother and his girl friend and don’t treat them as lepers. The only thing you can do at this point is to fast and pray. In the end your brother will come home to the Faith.
 
My 2 cents is:

Let him go, let him be. Do not judge him harshly, treat him respectfully and in peace. But at the same time, don’t engage in meaningless arguments about God with him because he will see it as foolishness. So drop all urges to do so. You can’t save him! Only God can. And if that’s going to happen, it will happen not in our time but God’s own time and as we know that can take a lifetime.

So be patient, exercise holding your tongue, and be sure to include them in family things as is appropriate. God says I will never leave you, I will never forsake you. That is the love you are showing them. Also, what you did for the very least of me, you did for me. So pray for them but don’t wait around for things to change. Accept them as they are, and you will be ok. Focus on your own faith and growth, and it will allow you to be protected.

Merry Christmas!!!
Lily
 
I voted for the 1st one. 🙂

We must always “accept” the person.

… What we reject is the sin.
 
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