Building a better self image?

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lovedance4ever

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My self esteem has never been that great, but it certainly has deteriorated over the years, and now at 21, I feel so awful about myself.

The truth of the matter is that I am overweight; I was a dancer for ten years, but slimmed down considerably. It wasn’t until I injured my spine that I slowly began to put it back on…due to inactivity. I am currently working to lose weight, and (according to my mom) am seeing some results slowly, but surely.

I know this is only a temporary issue, but honestly, I think that I could lose weight and still hate everything about myself. I detest my body/facial features so much that it is physically painful to look in the mirror. To make matters worse, I am unusually tall for a girl, standing at 5’11" with the only saving grace being that the height disguises my fat fairly well.

My parents always insisted that it was just in my head, and I tried to believe them. But then I went to college and started getting negative feedback from my classmates like, “He’s ugly. You two should date. You’d go well together.” Also, for the brief period of time that I did have “friends” they were always the ones who got attention from guys when we would go anywhere. I learned to wander off anytime a guy would strike up a conversation with them. I was never wanted there. I’ve also been told that the thought of me ever getting married was laughable.

So to say that I hate myself would be an understatement. I’m not here fishing for compliments, or looking for pity; I’m genuinely seeking advice on how to change my negative thoughts. Even if I am ugly like everyone says, I want to at least learn how to respect myself better than I do.

Thanks for reading. God bless
 
lovedance4ever said:
My self esteem has never been that great, but it certainly has deteriorated over the years, and now at 21, I feel so awful about myself.

The truth of the matter is that I am overweight; I was a dancer for ten years, but slimmed down considerably. It wasn’t until I injured my spine that I slowly began to put it back on…due to inactivity. I am currently working to lose weight, and (according to my mom) am seeing some results slowly, but surely.

I know this is only a temporary issue, but honestly, I think that I could lose weight and still hate everything about myself. I detest my body/facial features so much that it is physically painful to look in the mirror. To make matters worse, I am unusually tall for a girl, standing at 5’11" with the only saving grace being that the height disguises my fat fairly well.

My parents always insisted that it was just in my head, and I tried to believe them. But then I went to college and started getting negative feedback from my classmates like, “He’s ugly. You two should date. You’d go well together.” Also, for the brief period of time that I did have “friends” they were always the ones who got attention from guys when we would go anywhere. I learned to wander off anytime a guy would strike up a conversation with them. I was never wanted there. I’ve also been told that the thought of me ever getting married was laughable.

So to say that I hate myself would be an understatement. I’m not here fishing for compliments, or looking for pity; I’m genuinely seeking advice on how to change my negative thoughts. Even if I am ugly like everyone says, I want to at least learn how to respect myself better than I do.

Thanks for reading. God bless
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God doesn’t make ugly things.

even if a person does look “different” than other people, there is a higher purpose for this difference.

you’re probably right, even if you lost the weight, the negative thoughts would still be there. this is not a question of the physical pounds, more of psychology.

as for people’s comments, well what I can say, people are mean. exaggerated generalization obviously, but I don’t think a lot of people really understand the effects of their words. your college friends were probably just thinking that it was a joke.

I know where you’re coming from, I really do, being born with a disability, people have made it their business to insert their, mostly unpleasant, opinions wherever they feel like. I could write volumes on horrible things people have said, honestly. and the worst part is, after a while, when you hear it often it enough, you start believing it.

also, a lot of negative things people say are due to their insecurities, really nothing to do with you. they’re just looking for an outlet to take it out or to make themselves feel better.

besides this, I don’t really have much other advice, there is way too much emphasis on “image” these days. unfortunately, things like dance and gymnastics and modeling really haven’t helped this, they are the activities that tend to do a lot of stereotyping.

just remembered that God loves you and created you.
 
lovedance4ever,

Remember that God loves you infinitely, and He is your best friend. People can be so rude, and what you described about what some of them said definitely puts them in the rude category.

God created you and desires that you blossom into what He wants you to be, with His grace.
 
I have not personally read the book and cannot recommend it, but I recently saw this book suggested in a thread here.

Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself
Anneli Rufus

God bless.
 
Counseling can be very good to help you with negative self-talk - it can help you recognize those thought patterns as soon as they start. A good counselor could also help you learn how to find good friends and build a strong support network - sounds like you’ve been around some really toxic people.

I am not going to say that people are right that you are “ugly,” but the reality is that most people are not super attractive. Most of us are plain. If that describes you, the important thing is to learn that you don’t have to be exceptional to be worthy of love, of respect, of having friends. You are worthy of that simply because you ARE.

Maybe this is not you, but I remember feeling as you write here for a long time. I also struggled a great deal with perfectionism (still do sometimes, but not nearly to the same extent.) I really got a lot from Brené Brown’s books and TED talks (you can search for them easily, they are great.)
 
And sometimes we can receive that positive feedback from volunteer work. We do something worthwhile and meet people.
I know that you’ve been accepted at law school, but until then… maybe you could gain acceptance of yourself (as you are - which is totally fine 🙂 ) by doing activities that would enhance your self-image.
 
grasscutter said:
And sometimes we can receive that positive feedback from volunteer work. We do something worthwhile and meet people.
I know that you’ve been accepted at law school, but until then… maybe you could gain acceptance of yourself (as you are - which is totally fine 🙂 ) by doing activities that would enhance your self-image.
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Hi lovedance4ever,

((Hugs)) to you. I am so terribly sorry for all of the pain and suffering in your life.

I am especially sorry for the negative things that you have been led to believe about yourself.

I agree with this post about volunteering. I did this myself, at my last parish for several years. It was a time of meeting new people, and just having fun doing it. I met lots of great people that I became friendly with, too.
 
I used to have these feelings, I used to be very skinny and then put on a lot of muscle via spending lots of time in the weight room. It didn’t change much lol, there’s always something you can critique yourself for, and heck it might even be the reason why people don’t like you. People are very superficial these days. I suppose i just accepted things after I read 1 Corinthians 12-13. God has created us with different talents so that we might need one another. The fact that you might be lacking in certain gifts should lead you to appreciate those that you do have and improve what you can, and not to hate yourself. It also allows you to love others as creatures of God who made it all in this way so that we might need others, so that when you get jealous of folks who seem to have the package you want, you can be happy for people who might be better looking and wish them well instead.
 
Hi, well I’m 60 , I get up at the orders of my Alarm at 4.22 AM ,I proceed to the mirror ,
Take a look at myself, take a deep breath and say to myself,
Well buddy, I sure hope this is the worst you’ll look all day ,
Have a scratch , and off I go, so , on a positive note,
Your not ugly, your young and impressionable ,
You might have a bit of insecurity just like myself and most normal people do,
Don’t worry about it, you might need to change your diet,
no bought drinks or food of any type, eat fresh carrots , snow peas , unpeeled apples ,
Sliced Tomatoes , 3 or 4 per day, drink water and fresh milk, boiled eggs mixed with lettuce,tomato , corn , beetroot, put in a lunch box and give it a good shake, that’s lunch everyday, and a good steak twice a week, hope you like salmon ,well that’s on the menu as well… The weight will fall off, plus your skin will look great, who knows, you might look cute just like my mother says how I look,:eek:
 
I am 5’11".
I’ve always wanted to be shorter, because you’re right, few guys are taller than me. But there are compensations: I’ve never been attacked, as some of my shorter friends have been in the past. Nobody messes with me!
Also taller people tend to make more money and to be hired and promoted, and taken more seriously in their careers, than shorter ones. It’s sad and unfair, but appears to be true.

Beauty is nice, but certainly has nothing to do with character. “God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart,”
Mother Theresa was certainly no beauty queen, but she is a saint.

How to change your negative thoughts: I suggest that every time you look in a mirror or think of your outward appearance, counter it with a a purposeful prayer “Thank you Lord that you love me with an everlasting love, and are working to draw me closer to you. Thank you that you made me beautiful in your sight.” You can think of other things to pray, but try to keep them thankful.

If God’s plan is for you to be married someday, be sure that there is a man somewhere with a heart of gold, a wonderful man who is not looking for Miss America, but for you.
 
To the OP, you your are beautiful in many peoples eyes, physically and personality wise, so keep the faith and pray to God.

Also, I had a great deal of low self esteem because my father was an alcoholic and apart from my praying going to the gym was something I could see with my own eyes that seemed to help. In fact 30 years later I still go to the gym. I really consider it a blessing, now because I can witness to the younger generation. God bless you!
 
I think the advise given so far to the OP is good. I don’t have any to contribute myself, I just have a question. Why do tall girls wish they were shorter? Who are the tall guys supposed to date? Whenever I see a couple where the guy seems twice the size of the girl, it just looks really awkward.

I suppose it must be strange to tower over all you friends, and I have sympathy with that because I became very tall at about 13 and was taller than most other guys my age. But I think I speak not only for myself when I say that when it comes to attracting men, the taller a girl is, the better.
 
BHL_20 said:
I think the advise given so far to the OP is good. I don’t have any to contribute myself, I just have a question. Why do tall girls wish they were shorter? Who are the tall guys supposed to date? Whenever I see a couple where the guy seems twice the size of the girl, it just looks really awkward.

I suppose it must be strange to tower over all you friends, and I have sympathy with that because I became very tall at about 13 and was taller than most other guys my age. But I think I speak not only for myself when I say that when it comes to attracting men, the taller a girl is, the better.
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I think that is true, up to a point.

I am not as tall as the OP, but still on the taller end of normal. I am taller than a significant number of men, and many men simply do not want to date women who are taller than them (I was turned down once for that exact reason - granted, it could have been an excuse, but yuck, nobody likes hearing that!) My husband is very tall, and I think he appreciates that I am taller than average (he doesn’t make me look very short and I don’t make him look too tall). But it could be hard in a dating situation, especially if you are at a height where you are not only taller than most other women but also the majority of men!

This may be a stereotype, but I wonder if the OP’s perception of herself as “too tall” could also be influenced by her background in dance? I have had the perception that dancers, like gymnasts, tend to be shorter. So the OP’s tendency to compare may be to a group that is actually shorter than average. She might benefit by doing activities where people are more likely to be closer to her in height.
 
pensmama87 said:
I think that is true, up to a point.

I am not as tall as the OP, but still on the taller end of normal. I am taller than a significant number of men, and many men simply do not want to date women who are taller than them (I was turned down once for that exact reason - granted, it could have been an excuse, but yuck, nobody likes hearing that!) My husband is very tall, and I think he appreciates that I am taller than average (he doesn’t make me look very short and I don’t make him look too tall). But it could be hard in a dating situation, especially if you are at a height where you are not only taller than most other women but also the majority of men!

This may be a stereotype, but I wonder if the OP’s perception of herself as “too tall” could also be influenced by her background in dance? I have had the perception that dancers, like gymnasts, tend to be shorter. So the OP’s tendency to compare may be to a group that is actually shorter than average. She might benefit by doing activities where people are more likely to be closer to her in height.
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Thank you all so much for your responses so far! They’ve been very comforting to me and I’m really working hard on trying to look on the positive side of things (I’ve also brought this up to my counselor).

Pensmama87, you guessed right. I was very proud of my height until I became a very serious dancer and was told I was “too tall.” I’d be laughed at by the petite students at my studio. I was quite slender at the time, but because of my height, I naturally had too much weight to dance professionally. So I suppose I’ve always resented my size for that reason.
 
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