Building Self-worth

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DoloresHeart

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Hello all,

I’m having a great deal of trouble with feelings of very low self-worth. The years of emotional abuse from my mother, or a lifetime, really, have taken their toll. I often think of myself as the things she called/calls me. I feel that I am stupid, worthless, overweight, lazy, disrespectful, selfish, ugly, insane…it goes on and on. None of these things are true. I understand deep down that I am not, that she is just using these terrible things to hurt me and to make herself feel better, and I’m helping her accomplish her goal by being hurt by these comments.

I realized that it is causing me to want affirmation from people I love. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I know that I need to be happy with myself. I just don’t know how to try to develop a sense of self-worth. There is not a thing about me that she hasn’t ridiculed, to the point where I am ashamed of being myself. I dress in frumpy clothes even though I feel better when I dress a little nicer because she mocks me…it’s not helping me in college to do well on my classes…she tells me that she expects me to fail…

I am working on getting out of here. But what can I do in the meantime to get some confidence in myself and to feel some sense of self-esteem? At what point does it become too much going into pride? I’m a perfectionist and keenly aware of my flaws, I’m somewhat scrupulous so I feel like I’m constantly offending God. What can I do? I don’t want to be like this forever.

And also, what is a good way to deal with the verbal attacks and mind games when I do have to be around her?
 
Get out. And in the mean time, relish the joy of planning your escape. There is no other solution. My mother is just the same, except she is on the other side of my front door. You can’t fix her and you don’t deserve the way she treats you.
 
DoloresHeart said:
Hello all,

I’m having a great deal of trouble with feelings of very low self-worth. The years of emotional abuse from my mother, or a lifetime, really, have taken their toll. I often think of myself as the things she called/calls me. I feel that I am stupid, worthless, overweight, lazy, disrespectful, selfish, ugly, insane…it goes on and on. None of these things are true. I understand deep down that I am not, that she is just using these terrible things to hurt me and to make herself feel better, and I’m helping her accomplish her goal by being hurt by these comments.

I realized that it is causing me to want affirmation from people I love. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I know that I need to be happy with myself. I just don’t know how to try to develop a sense of self-worth. There is not a thing about me that she hasn’t ridiculed, to the point where I am ashamed of being myself. I dress in frumpy clothes even though I feel better when I dress a little nicer because she mocks me…it’s not helping me in college to do well on my classes…she tells me that she expects me to fail…

I am working on getting out of here. But what can I do in the meantime to get some confidence in myself and to feel some sense of self-esteem? At what point does it become too much going into pride? I’m a perfectionist and keenly aware of my flaws, I’m somewhat scrupulous so I feel like I’m constantly offending God. What can I do? I don’t want to be like this forever.

And also, what is a good way to deal with the verbal attacks and mind games when I do have to be around her?
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Dolores,

I appreciate your struggle. I have seen several friends dealing with similar parent issues. Based on what you said, I don’t think Pride is a problem for you. It might be later, but self worth is okay to have. You are just recognizing the value that God places on you. Pride is putting more value on yourself than others.

What I would recommend would be getting some 3x5 cards and writing inspirational verses and quotes on them. Keep em with you and when your feeling down, get away from people (if possible) and pull the cards out and start reading. Here are some suggestions to start with:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalms 139:14.

“Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.” Isaiah 43:4

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

“You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.” Isaiah 62:3

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.” Les Brown
 
First, there is nothing wrong in dressing well, but modestly. Society expects this of you and it is not to be construed with vanity or pride. Stop dressing in a frumpy manner. .People-like it or not-do judge by your appearances.

Secondly, the problem is in your Mother. It sounds like she is very insecure in her own self, therefor se is trying to build her own self esteem by putting others down, which is very sad.

Thirdly, if you are slightly overweight, try to do some mild exercise. This would help your good feeling endorphins increase and you will feel better about your self. The exercise will be beneficial for your all around health.

If you can get out of your home situation, then do it. Go to counseling or speak to a priest, if possible. I will pray for you.
 
I think counseling could be a very good help to you. It might help you to recognize when your thoughts are being overly critical, and to dial it back and look at things as they are.

Are you familiar with Brené Brown? She has several books that I have really enjoyed (and that were recommended by the counselor I saw after my second son was born) and she is very familiar with perfectionism, as am I. One big thing for me was realizing that there is a huge difference between wanting to be good at something, and wanting to be seen as good at something.

I would suggest limiting your contact with your mother, or at least developing the strength to tell her that there are certain topics of conversation that are off limits. Again, a counselor could be very helpful to help you determine where you would like your boundaries to be and how to enforce them.
 
Dear One, You have a very difficult, troubled mother. So do I. You must move away from her ASAP. Live at college either in a dorm or rent a room. There are counselors at college to talk to so make an appt today. You will need some good guidance to help yourself not feel guilty about this. Your mother will try to keep you in a FOG which stands for fear, obligation and guilt. Don’t agree to this. You are an adult and you must start to act like one in a responsible way. For the times you are at home you need to be out of the house as much as possible. Find a part time job, join a gym,volunteer, go to the library. Just not be around her very much. But be respectful and calm when you are. You will probably never change her so you must dig deep and change yourself. That starts with being nice to yourself. Eat a healthy diet, don’t drink or use drugs, wear make up and nice clothes to remind yourself of both your inner and outer beauty. Help others less fortunate than you. Smile at others and be kind. You are strong and good. Believe that you can rise above this abuse because you can and you will. Talk to a priest and attend mass every Sunday. Go to confession when necessary. And know that God loves you and does not want you to be abused by your very sick mother. She has no right to treat you that way and you have a right to avoid such treatment. Soon you will be out of college, working and you will have control over your life. Move out, move out , move out!
 
DoloresHeart said:
Hello all,

I’m having a great deal of trouble with feelings of very low self-worth. The years of emotional abuse from my mother, or a lifetime, really, have taken their toll. I often think of myself as the things she called/calls me. I feel that I am stupid, worthless, overweight, lazy, disrespectful, selfish, ugly, insane…it goes on and on. None of these things are true. I understand deep down that I am not, that she is just using these terrible things to hurt me and to make herself feel better, and I’m helping her accomplish her goal by being hurt by these comments.

I realized that it is causing me to want affirmation from people I love. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I know that I need to be happy with myself. I just don’t know how to try to develop a sense of self-worth. There is not a thing about me that she hasn’t ridiculed, to the point where I am ashamed of being myself. I dress in frumpy clothes even though I feel better when I dress a little nicer because she mocks me…it’s not helping me in college to do well on my classes…she tells me that she expects me to fail…

I am working on getting out of here. But what can I do in the meantime to get some confidence in myself and to feel some sense of self-esteem? At what point does it become too much going into pride? I’m a perfectionist and keenly aware of my flaws, I’m somewhat scrupulous so I feel like I’m constantly offending God. What can I do? I don’t want to be like this forever.

And also, what is a good way to deal with the verbal attacks and mind games when I do have to be around her?
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Remember that your worth is rooted in God.

Someone else calling you worthless does not make it true.

Make it a goal.to move out which would make it easier to avoid the toxic living situation with your mother. You should not and do not have to subscribe to her issues.

In the meantime pray a.lot.

I will be praying for you too.
 
Hey Delores!
I want to share something with you about myself. My entire life I have suffered from low self esteem and low self worth. I have gotten perfect grades throughout my entire schooling, didn’t drink or do drugs, I even have a almost perfect driving record. I’m 40 now, and only a few years ago did I realize that I have worth. Here is how it happened.
I am always trying to improve myself (you probably know the feeling). I was doing my latest research on making myself better when I cam across an article about hazing in high school. What they were describing was not hazing but assault. They showed the pictures of the two boys that were “hazed”. Their backs looked like pre Civil War slaves. Welts and broken skin all over. Each boy probably had 2 dozen lashings. Another article was linked to that article about 2 High school boys who “hazed” a boy in the back of a school bus by shoving pencils inside his anus. The kicker of the story was that when the boys father complained to the authorities, the citizens of the town made the boy’s and his families lives so miserable that they had to leave. The town said it was boys being boys.
Why do I tell you this? Well the pictures of those boys backs changed my life. You see, I realized that in some small way I agreed with all the insults and bullying that I had received. I know I did, because I was still trying to improve myself. It was that moment that I truly started to question what I really believed about myself. I realized that I was ok, it was that the world that was screwed up. You will have that moment as soon as you start questioning all the abuse that is thrown at you. Don’t agree with it in any way. Your mother and the world has no right to judge you. Only you and God can do that, and I think God probably sees you as a wonderful blessing. I hope that you have that AHA! moment soon. It is different for each of us, but when it happens, you will have the cornerstone of a new life. It will take a while for that new self esteem to grow, mine took a full year before I could consistently stand up for myself, but it will happen. Pray God sends you that eyeopener. Oh and get out of that house, your mom is nuts!
 
DoloresHeart said:
Hello all,

I’m having a great deal of trouble with feelings of very low self-worth. The years of emotional abuse from my mother, or a lifetime, really, have taken their toll. I often think of myself as the things she called/calls me. I feel that I am stupid, worthless, overweight, lazy, disrespectful, selfish, ugly, insane…it goes on and on. None of these things are true. I understand deep down that I am not, that she is just using these terrible things to hurt me and to make herself feel better, and I’m helping her accomplish her goal by being hurt by these comments.

I realized that it is causing me to want affirmation from people I love. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I know that I need to be happy with myself. I just don’t know how to try to develop a sense of self-worth. There is not a thing about me that she hasn’t ridiculed, to the point where I am ashamed of being myself. I dress in frumpy clothes even though I feel better when I dress a little nicer because she mocks me…it’s not helping me in college to do well on my classes…she tells me that she expects me to fail…

I am working on getting out of here. But what can I do in the meantime to get some confidence in myself and to feel some sense of self-esteem? At what point does it become too much going into pride? I’m a perfectionist and keenly aware of my flaws, I’m somewhat scrupulous so I feel like I’m constantly offending God. What can I do? I don’t want to be like this forever.

And also, what is a good way to deal with the verbal attacks and mind games when I do have to be around her?
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Of course you are hurt by these comments, anyone would be… they are coming from your mother! I’m sure they feel like a knife to your heart! A person’s parents are expected to be the “safe people” in our lives, the ones who love us unconditionally. I don’t see any mention of your father, but if he is in the home, there is also a betrayal on his part for not standing up for you when your mother treats you this way. That is painful too.

I was out of my parents house for over 20 years and in my mid 40’s with the same type of situation still haunting me until I came to the realization that just because the expectation for parents is that they will love us unconditionally and protect us, doesn’t mean they actually do, it is just an expectation. A normal, reasonable one, but still, an expectation. STOP expecting these things! Your mother seems to be incapable of it for whatever reason (you are probably right with your thoughts about it). After you are able to let go of any expectations from your mother, her words will not be nearly so hurtful. Instead of listening to her actual words, hear what she is really saying… which is actually not about you at all, but all about her. Not that you have to feel bad for her or anything, but it really does help to know that she is really saying … she doesn’t like herself or her life or is insecure or is jealous of you or whatever her problem is. This change in you will take time, don’t expect any overnight results.

One of my daughter’s friends has a similar situation too, I have kind of become mom to her showing her unconditional love and acceptance. Do you have a close friend whose mom you can look up to? or an aunt or other trusted female in your life? You don’t have to say a word to them about your mother, just maybe begin a little closer relationship with them so you have a trusted female figure/mentor in your life.

The response about the notecards listing reminders of God’s love for you was good, but if you have an appropriate app on your phone, (sticky notes, notepad etc) maybe that would be more convenient for you.

Also pray, not only for yourself, but also for her- especially while she is verbally abusing you. Not out loud, but in your head. And I don’t mean pray for lightening to strike or anything 🙂 but pray that she can find God’s peace.
 
Your mother has issues as you know. You need to spend as little time with her as possible. In the meantime, you can build self worth by doing for others. This will help you.

For this, I would look at any clubs at college–habitat for humanity, spending time with the elderly or infirm, a food pantry, special olympics and works of this nature. You can also volunteer at your parish. Your self worth will grow when you see how your presence at these things is appreciated and needed.
 
First, pray, and pray for your mother too. Embrace our blessed Mother and pray the rosary, offer it for your mother.

Second, get out of the environment if you can.

Third, work on yourself, exercise, take classes to enhance your skills. Read books, learn a new hobby. Do things that make YOU happy and be consistent. Surround yourself with people who are positive and not those who’ll only bring you down.

I’ll pray for you too.

God bless you 🙂
 
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