Bullying in Catholic School - should I tell the parents?

[Serap]

I do know enough about the child’s aggression to know he doesn’t belong in this school because my child has been the victim of his aggression and despite repeated attempts to deal with it, the school has not been able to change his behavior. Therefore, I can assume they are out of tools.

I don’t trust the principal anymore, that is a good point. I wonder how much this child is going to be allowed to get away with before serious action, such as expulsion, is taken. I know for myself, I will be calling the police the next time there is physical aggression. I will be sending a cop car right to the school door to take a report, I don’t care who sees it or who it embarrasses. This is exactly how the sex abuse scandals were allowed to go on for so long, because no one took the initiative to call the police and report people. It was all supposed to be handled “locally” meaning, keeping it in the parish.

By law, public schools have to figure out how to educate and handle every child who comes to them, Catholic schools don’t. It’s just reality that Catholic schools don’t have the resources to handle every child, nor do they have the responsibility to take every child. In fact, it’s irresponsible to keep a child when they can’t meet their needs, for the child’s sake, never mind everyone else.

It is a draconian policy. Private schoolers and homeschoolers have basically no access to anything in our state/county.

Thank you for your good wishes, and the same to you.

I would even go one step further…secretly video tape it too and then call the police. Kid needs a wake-up call!!!

I HATE BULLYING!!!

Did I say that already?

 

[EasterJoy]

I would even go one step further…secretly video tape it too and then call the police. Kid needs a wake-up call!!!

I HATE BULLYING!!!

Did I say that already?

As much in the cause of justice as that might seem, I would not do that. That is highly illegal in some states, particularly to videotape minors without prior consent from their parents, and carries ethical problems even where it is not against the law. It could easily get a person permanently barred from working with childern in the Church, as well.

As for the student, sometimes a child from a well-established parish family or with parents who are among that few percent who are seen volunteering on parish premises between Sunday at noon and Saturday at 3 pm gets more leeway. The child may also be in a Catholic school precisely because the public school didn’t know what to do with him. You never know, except that with habitual behavioral problems, the solution for a particular child can take some time and frustration for everyone involved to reach.

 

[Kerry77]

As for the student, sometimes a child from a well-established parish family or with parents who are among that few percent who are seen volunteering on parish premises between Sunday at noon and Saturday at 3 pm gets more leeway. The child may also be in a Catholic school precisely because the public school didn’t know what to do with him. You never know, except that with habitual behavioral problems, the solution for a particular child can take some time and frustration for everyone involved to reach.

I agree with the first point. I do think that some families get entrenched in the parish/school and then the administrators have a hard time dealing with them objectively when there are issues.

On the second point…that’s interesting. I’m only speaking for my area, which has excellent public schools…But I don’t think our Catholic school is better at anything than the public school. The only difference is the faith component. That is the reason we came and we do have experience with the public schools. I think a child with any special issue, whatever it is, would be better served in our public schools, which has armies of professionals, therapists, etc.

I’ll be honest, our Catholic school acts as a bit of a hideout for certain types of disorders. There are quite a few kids there that would probably have an official diagnosis were they in public school, but since we don’t have those professionals, they don’t. This is not just in the Catholic schools around here, but also the private secular ($$$) schools.

 

[1concernedmom]

Just reading through this thread and wanted to comment. I know it’s an old one, but I really wanted to say thank you to everyone who contributed to it.

We are dealing with a bullying problem at our Catholic School now (elementary level).

It seems to be happening over and over again. And every time something happens, it’s like we are starting all over again with the principal. All the previous incidents are conveniently forgotten! Poof! Good thing I documented them all on email.

In this case, we feel that the aggressor actually has something wrong with him, in a mental/behavioral sense, that is not being addressed because our school doesn’t have those resources. I won’t go into too much detail on that, but I think that if he were in a public school, he would have been evaluated by a professional psychologist by this point, at minimum. But because we don’t have those resources, the school just keeps trying to correct his behavior using the same old techniques, which aren’t working. I believe they are out of tools with this child and the best thing for him would be get professional help either outside the school privately, or within a public school environment.

I suspect that the other problem is that our school is on the borderline when it comes to enrollment numbers. So I think the principal is keen on keeping basically any child/family that he can and working with them. I’m sure in his mind he thinks he can help this child, but I don’t believe that is the case anymore. I remember when I was in Catholic school, kids were often asked to leave to go to public school for various reasons, but we didn’t have the enrollment issues back then that many Catholic schools have now.

The part that someone wrote on here about how the people in charge just want problems to go away and this is how the sex abuse scandals were perpetuated…That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately too in regards to this and it’s been giving me nightmares. Have we learned anything? We need to be better than everyone else on this, not worse. We have the best anti-bullying program out there…it’s called the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

So far we have only gone as far as the principal. I would like to know what the next steps are if we feel that we need to go further. Do we go to the pastor, the diocese, the police, how does this all work?

Thanks in advance for any help anyone can offer.

Speaking from experience, I would run as fast as you can from that school. Seriously. We went through all the steps, teachers, principals, school board, priests, the diocese and even the police. The school was more interested in maintaining the status quo. Even though my family was very actively involved in fund raising and events at the school, we were ostracized and the bullying increased to not only include a couple students, but the teachers as well.

As to your concerns about there being something wrong this child that the school isn’t equipped to deal with, you’re most likely spot on. I was told by a relative of a teacher at our local Catholic School that they are more and more taking students with various issues and that the local public school districts actually pay the tuition to the Catholic School. I found that hard to believe but after a little investigating, found it to be true.

We moved our child to the large public school this school year and it was the best thing we could have done for him. I wish we had done it sooner. The public school is much stricter with disciplinary issues and bullying. They actually expelled a child for the same thing that repeatedly went on at the Catholic School. My child is again a happy child, getting straight As.

 

[MissRose73]

I thought bullying was less likely to happen in Catholic schools but apparently it is. Students need to have constant reminders that they are committing sins every time they bully someone no matter if its physical or verbal in the Catholic school system. School staff of all levels must be educated and take all reports from students and parents seriously in my opinion no matter the type of school.

I was on the receiving end of bullying of mainly verbal abuse during my public school education due to my clothes, good grades, and looking younger. It made me introverted and have some trust issues for many years. The times I did tell my mother, she did nothing not even speak to the principal or the teachers. If I had gone to Catholic schools, I have no idea if my experiences would have been different or not. Very few of those who bullied me ever got caught and punished. I only remember one kid who kept harassing me when I was in junior high school, and the time I tried to get him from putting his combination lock on my locker to prevent me from getting into my own, he was caught thankfully in the act red handed. Some of the neighbor kids who called me names were never punished either for their actions even when I reported them to their parents growing up because my own mother refused to do so claiming I had to stand up for myself.

I only remember out of the many (mainly popular) kids in various grades who bullied me in school, only one of them took responsibility years later for her actions. At my 10 year reunion, she apologized for her actions as she and I were in the same grade. Being the better person, I accepted her apology. She was surprised that I accepted her apology, and glad I turned out okay compared to her where she had some issues in her life after high school that took time to get herself on a better path in life. She even said I did not deserve what she and others dished out to me as I did nothing to warrant it.

 

[donnmil]

Our Catholic school has a major bullying and clicks problem which I have brought to the attention of the principal as a parent volunteer in recess among others. The teacher of my daughter who was bullied told me that these girls (10 yrs.old) have to settle it among themselves and the principal told me that my daughter has to thicken her skin (!!!). So we are left to our own devices.
One day while doing recess, I witnessed (and intervened) a bullying incident in 3rd grade where one girl was made to cry because of name-calling. The funny thing is, the bully’s mother was concerned (she confided in me) that her daughter was being alienated (clicks) by some girls. On another occasion, this same bully was the one alienating the same girl she made to cry by excluding her from a game. I also intervened and stopped it.
Because we have no support from the school which I believe has the responsibility to address the issue with the students involved (and if need be the parents of these kids), do I (a) tell the parent of the bully of what I witnessed and stopped and (b) tell the parent of the bullied girl?
Needless to say, we are leaving the school next year for public school which has a very pro-active anti-bullying campaign called Olweus.

I truly appreciate any sage advice.

All school staff must be made responsible for the safety of our children - and that includes the issue of bullying. Even if the bullying is happening off school grounds - if it involves students, it should be dealt with (firmly) and resolved by the teachers and principal(s).
Christopher MacDonald/author

 

[donnmil]

I don’t see how an anti-bullying campaign can be successful without teaching students strategies for dealing with bullies: what works and what doesn’t. A student without any strategy for dealing with a bully will feel helpless, often blames himself or herself, and, because the bullies have more “success” with that student, is more likely to be chosen as a target.

I do not mean “get a thick skin”. That is like teaching a kid to bat by saying, “just hit the ball.” I do not mean implying to the child that anything a child might do that raises his or her chances of being bullied is an “invitation” (save, of course, when a person inexplicably decides to directly provoke someone who might have done nothing if there had been no direct provocation) or that the blame for bullying rests on anyone other than the person who willfully inflicted cruelty on someone else.

I mean that some children do not know what sort of habits and responses increases their chance that the bully will choose them to victimize, nor what kinds of responses increase the chances of serious harm being done to them. I mean looking at the situation in a way that doesn’t blame anybody (regardless of whether blame is deserved) but that seeks practical remedies to the problem that might serve as tools to try. It’s kind of like avoiding a bear attack at a national park. If you know what attracts bears, if you know what provokes attacks, if you know what makes you most vulnerable to mortal wounds during an attack, if you know how to get first aid after an attack, then you can feel prepared to go hiking. It doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be 100% safe, but you don’t have nearly as much chance that at the end of the day the park rangers will be shooting a bear or that you will be dead or seriously injured.

Sometimes a child can use humour to deflect a bully’s intrusion; however, and make no mistake about this: chronic school bullies should be dealt with by the principal.
I wrote a book about how schools could eliminate bullying.
There are obstacles including the big three (which I describe in detail) and how to circumvent them. stopschoolbullies.com

 

[donnmil]

I do know enough about the child’s aggression to know he doesn’t belong in this school because my child has been the victim of his aggression and despite repeated attempts to deal with it, the school has not been able to change his behavior. Therefore, I can assume they are out of tools.

I don’t trust the principal anymore, that is a good point. I wonder how much this child is going to be allowed to get away with before serious action, such as expulsion, is taken. I know for myself, I will be calling the police the next time there is physical aggression. I will be sending a cop car right to the school door to take a report, I don’t care who sees it or who it embarrasses. This is exactly how the sex abuse scandals were allowed to go on for so long, because no one took the initiative to call the police and report people. It was all supposed to be handled “locally” meaning, keeping it in the parish.

By law, public schools have to figure out how to educate and handle every child who comes to them, Catholic schools don’t. It’s just reality that Catholic schools don’t have the resources to handle every child, nor do they have the responsibility to take every child. In fact, it’s irresponsible to keep a child when they can’t meet their needs, for the child’s sake, never mind everyone else.

It is a draconian policy. Private schoolers and homeschoolers have basically no access to anything in our state/county.

Thank you for your good wishes, and the same to you.

Unfortunately, it is that mindset (educate and handle every child) that prevents some liberal-minded principals from ejecting some bad apples. Schools, realistically, are for educating the willing. No one is truly entitled to anything - even education. Education is offered, but it can be taken away.
Keep in mind, there are only a few bad apples in a bag that will spoil the whole bag, if it is allowed to remain in the bag! And, we have to make people accountable for their behaviour - no matter who they are. Do we allow a few bad apples to influence (in a negative way) and destroy the whole bag? Does that make sense? Besides, when we deal with the few, the other minor bullies will get the hint, and normally fall in line.
Teachers are NOT psychologists, nurses, doctors, cops, social workers, dieticians, mothers or any other role to these kids. To think they are is role confusion.
When it comes to bullying, and this is very important, remember: always keep the onus on the bully, and the responsibility to effectively deal with that bully, on the teachers and principals.
Shame on the education bureaucracy, principals, teachers, and any other adults for not effectively dealing with bullies like they could, and oftentimes, for putting the onus on students to solve the problem that the adults flip-flop on.