Bullying in Catholic School - should I tell the parents?

[EasterJoy]

Oh my. She should be thanking you for bringing this out!!!

Yes, I think a letter would be fine. I know what you mean about getting emotional. I am one of those people who will start to cry when I get really angry, which is very frustrating. I hate it because people just feel sorry for you and they stop listening to the real problem.

You might write it out, but deliver it and let him read it in person. Do not think that getting emotional is always a bad thing. If you are in a safe place with someone as discrete as a confessor, it will be OK. Have your facts assembled, though. Emotion is OK, but you will need more than that to succeed.

 

[pnewton]

You might write it out, but deliver it and let him read it in person. Do not think that getting emotional is always a bad thing. If you are in a safe place with someone as discrete as a confessor, it will be OK. Have your facts assembled, though. Emotion is OK, but you will need more than that to succeed.

This is a good idea. I would also suggest that the OP actually practice speaking to the priest. There is nothing like repetition to help one gain confidence for a tough conversation.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is a good idea. I would also suggest that the OP actually practice speaking to the priest. There is nothing like repetition to help one gain confidence for a tough conversation.

This is true. And if necessary, I sometimes give myself a secretive hard PINCH so I distract myself from the rise of tears.

 

[cuqui]

You might write it out, but deliver it and let him read it in person. Do not think that getting emotional is always a bad thing. If you are in a safe place with someone as discrete as a confessor, it will be OK. Have your facts assembled, though. Emotion is OK, but you will need more than that to succeed.

I wrote the letter and on Monday I will be at the school to volunteer yet again. I have made it anonymous, and I hope this is okay. I will address the envelope to him and deliver it to the mailbox (inbox only) of the parish. He knows me well since as I said , I am also an EM. I am sure he will read it in person.

No, I do not desire to be martyred for this. But it really saddens me so much I am forced to put my kids in public (though very good school district) and miss out on the formal religion classes.

I cannot thank you enough for your support.

 

[buffalo]

I wrote the letter and on Monday I will be at the school to volunteer yet again. I have made it anonymous, and I hope this is okay. I will address the envelope to him and deliver it to the mailbox (inbox only) of the parish. He knows me well since as I said , I am also an EM. I am sure he will read it in person.

No, I do not desire to be martyred for this. But it really saddens me so much I am forced to put my kids in public (though very good school district) and miss out on the formal religion classes.

I cannot thank you enough for your support.

If you think there is no bullying in public school you are sadly mistaken.

 

[a_priori]

Our Catholic school has a major bullying and clicks problem which I have brought to the attention of the principal as a parent volunteer in recess among others. The teacher of my daughter who was bullied told me that these girls (10 yrs.old) have to settle it among themselves and the principal told me that my daughter has to thicken her skin (!!!). So we are left to our own devices.
One day while doing recess, I witnessed (and intervened) a bullying incident in 3rd grade where one girl was made to cry because of name-calling. The funny thing is, the bully’s mother was concerned (she confided in me) that her daughter was being alienated (clicks) by some girls. On another occasion, this same bully was the one alienating the same girl she made to cry by excluding her from a game. I also intervened and stopped it.
Because we have no support from the school which I believe has the responsibility to address the issue with the students involved (and if need be the parents of these kids), do I (a) tell the parent of the bully of what I witnessed and stopped and (b) tell the parent of the bullied girl?
Needless to say, we are leaving the school next year for public school which has a very pro-active anti-bullying campaign called Olweus.

I truly appreciate any sage advice.

I would use the Socratic method and merely ask questions. Perhaps the school officials could take a moment compare and contrast the relative benefits of spending extra money to have one’s child in Catholic school as opposed to public school?

 

[buffalo]

I would use the Socratic method and merely ask questions. Perhaps the school officials could take a moment compare and contrast the relative benefits of spending extra money to have one’s child in Catholic school as opposed to public school?

Perhaps one should ask what is the goal of a Catholic school vs the public.

 

[a_priori]

Perhaps one should ask what is the goal of a Catholic school vs the public.

Indeed.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I am not sure from the oroginal post how severe the bullying behavior was. However, I would just like to point out that sometimes, the principal faces a he said/she said situation. Before we skewer the administration, I would like more information. Is it an ongoing problem? Is it consistently the same child who is bullying? Have you spoken to the classroom teacher? Is he or she aware of it?

 

[faithfully]

Write the letter.

Send it certified mail, with a signature rec’t for yourself.

Indicate the incident you witnessed.

Indicate the reports you are hearing from your daughter.

Indicate what you want to see happen.

When/if you leave the school, let them know why. You probably had your child in their school to learn Christian behavior. Since Christian behavior is not valued and supported, and defended, you are pulling your child out.

I might send that letter in the mail certified with a signature as well.

Why? Because this will come up again. And it may be for a very serious matter that comes up again. (for the record, I would do this with a public school as well.) And when it comes up and they pretend that this is the first time they’ve heard of it… Oh, no, no… it’s not! And I would be there to support future victims and their families.

It’s unacceptable for adults to stand by and watch children damage others. And yes, bullying happens even in the adult world at work. But you know why? Because it was allowed as children.

I recommend for you and your daughter the book Odd Girl Out… get a copy for the principal, and one for the pastor. They are WAY wrong when it comes to this. This must be dealt with. For two reasons. They are dealing with 1) two young girl whose self esteem hangs in the balance. The one who brutalizes others has ISSUES! And the one taking it will gain issues. 2)The victim may never reach her greatest potential in life if she doesn’t learn to effectivly deflect this behavior. 3) The bully will grow most likely to be a hated adult that no one wants to work with…

 

[joanofarc2008]

I think the issue with this is that it is hard to set a good example for the kids when many of us adults are guilty of it but we call it a lack of charity.

 

[TimothyH]

As a postscript, do I also tell the pastor of what’s going on in the school? I believe he already does, as one dad told me he spoke to him. Other parents just talk with their feet first. Enrollment is down not because of economic reasons (it’s an affluent community).
I would like to contact the superintendent of Catholic Schools but I feel that going behind his back is not good, especially because I am also an EM for the church.
Thanks again.

Yes, bring it up with the Pastor gently but in no uncertain terms.

The context of your bringing up the subject, since the Pastor’s job is the salvation of souls, should be exactly that. The pastor has to be aware that he has more than just a disciplinary problem, but a pastoral problem with the potential to affect the salvation of the souls of those for whom God had given him responsibility.

With all due respect, I don’t really care what the goal of Catholic Schools are and don’t really give a hoot about the Socratic method or any other method. Bullying is a sin. Allowing bullying is a sin. Allowing Children to do it is scandal. Not doing anything about it is sloth. The Pastor has the responsibility to address the issue and he does not, I would not hesitate to take it to the next level.

That’s just my opinion.

Or get the Dominican Sisters to run the School. That’ll stop most bad behavior.

-Tim-

 

[EasterJoy]

If you think there is no bullying in public school you are sadly mistaken.

It took a Columbine tragedy, but many (not all) public schools have become very serious about this issue.

The problem is, though, that relational aggression among girls is usually covert and can be extremely subtle. It can take the form of crank calls done outside of school hours, groups of girls all becoming silent or subtly turning their backs when their target comes on the scene, and so on. It is not unusual for teachers to be totally unaware of which of their “angel students” has a hobby on the side of tormenting the odd girl out. (Of course boys bully, too, but the nature of boys’ adolescent relationships iusually makes male-on-male bullying easier to spot.)

It should be obvious, though, that this kind of thing is extremely damaging, and not just to the victim. Although among the most difficult of behaviors to stop, it is more than worth it to try. A habit of cruelty hardens the heart and deadens the soul against charity. A pattern of sustained abuse leaves a person vulnerable to emotional abuse in adulthood, and all of the toxic relationships that implies. Very often, too, bullies have been victims themselves. If nothing else, being serious about stopping bully behaviors at least tells the targets that they are not the ones who are at fault.

 

[cuqui]

If you think there is no bullying in public school you are sadly mistaken.

But I can rest assured that I have their support. The program they have (Olweus — see www.Olweus.org) operates on 4 levels - the school system, classroom level, the individual and the community. Consequences are given to kids who bully, teachers get involved and parents of children are involved, bus drivers, cafeteria workers, etc… There are no bystanders. I can only go with the facts that I know from our school, and it is too behind the times. Agreed with many parents I have spoken to and have pulled their kids out in years past. There are kids who may be like mine and clubs to join after school so there are many opportunities for her to make new friends. I look at the glass half full.

 

[cuqui]

Dear Cuqui…

How does *your fear *measure up to the fear that these innocent children feel day after day after day in a place that is supposed to be Catholic? These poor children live in fear day after day and you are afraid to have one meeting with a priest. There are dark forces that love this kind of thing. This is a victory for Satan…fear is his weapon don’t let him win!!

Please do not be anonymous with your note. Take it to your pastor face to face! Why are you ashamed, this is not a secret. You are a blessing from God. You are like an extra guardian angel sent to this school to help.

Most priests I know do not accept or even read anonymous letters and I have been told this. I can understand why as this is a way to hide. You do not need to hide! You speak the truth, truth is good! They need to know who it is in order to call and verify and ask questions. You do not have to condemn anyone, just be honest!!!

You can do this, I will pray for you.

Point very well taken. I will put my name and give it to him. Thanks.

 

[Norseman82]

Don’t worry about what might happen to your being an EM if you go up the “chain of command”; if you were retaliated against for trying to protect your child, is that a parish you’d want to be an EM for?

The only additional bit of advice I would add (if it has not already been given): document every conversation you have or correspondence exchanged regarding this matter. If other parents are experiencing this, go as a group. For one thing, it helps to have witnesses if legal action should ever be necessary.

Also, forgive me if I missed this, but I saw no mention of your husband in this?

 

[PaulinVA]

People in authority hate for you to bring this up because then they have to deal with it. It’s a real problem, but if you ignore it maybe the complainer will go away. Particularly sad this as at a Catholic school, but this seems to be how Catholics deal with serious problems, isn’t it?

Actually, the way to defang the whole gay rights movement’s attempt to reshape bullying as only a straight-on-gay issue is to root out bullying everywhere it occurs and stop it. Bullying is wrong, plain and simple.

 

[cuqui]

Also, forgive me if I missed this, but I saw no mention of your husband in this?

That is the sad part. My husband is so non-confrontational we had to go a therapist for this so that he may learn that it is his job to be a leader, protector and provider.

When I told him the first time about the incident with our daughter, he was not the least bit upset. I was, so I forced him to deal with it and reminded him this is an opportunity for him to be a protector and call up the mother. He did (if I were the one to call, I would have been too emotionally stirred up and nothing positive may have come out) and after a couple of days, the mother finally called back. He put my daughter on the phone with him so he can have the facts straight from the horse’s mouth. He told me we have to be smart about it, which now I see he was right. He was very friendly, and non-confrontational on the phone. I didn’t even listen, but just glad it was settled and she and her daughter apologized to my daughter and us in writing.

But on the whole, he doesn’t like having to confront people. He was bullied as a child (he is blind in one eye and was called names like cyclop) and I think this may have impacted him. Yeah I know, why would he want the same experience for his child?

 

[cuqui]

People in authority hate for you to bring this up because then they have to deal with it. It’s a real problem, but if you ignore it maybe the complainer will go away. Particularly sad this as at a Catholic school, but this seems to be how Catholics deal with serious problems, isn’t it?

I somewhat agree. When I told a fellow churchgoer about this problem (she’s a grandma), she
said it was akin to the sexual abuse of children by the clergy. No, I don’t think it is even close to that magnitude, but it parallels it by the way they deal with it. It took several decades before the victims came out.

 

[EasterJoy]

People in authority hate for you to bring this up because then they have to deal with it. It’s a real problem, but if you ignore it maybe the complainer will go away. Particularly sad this as at a Catholic school, but this seems to be how Catholics deal with serious problems, isn’t it?

Actually, the way to defang the whole gay rights movement’s attempt to reshape bullying as only a straight-on-gay issue is to root out bullying everywhere it occurs and stop it. Bullying is wrong, plain and simple.

This is why, even if I were to pull my child from my parish school, I’d make noise about the fact that there is no policy in place concerning bullying. It is 2011. There is no excuse for that. Rank and file parishioners with no children in the school have standing to insist on these things for the parish school that they support. They have standing to insist that the policies are actually enforced. If the school board doesn’t care, then the parish counsel ought to. I mean that with regards to living the Gospel; never mind about the likelihood of litigation.

The other thing is that children who have been told to accept bullying can wind up the victims of child-on-child sexual abuse. It is the extreme example, but it is hardly beyond the imagination. When bullies have carte blanche, this happens. They choose the defenseless and the beaten down for their victims. The days when freshman boys had to put up with the life-long humiliation of sexual abuse by peers in the locker room stem from tolerance for bullying that starts in grade school. When cruelty is tolerated in small doses and victims are told to “suck it up”, “get a thick skin” or “work it out yourself”, this is the kind of thing that eventually happens. It is time to stop pretending that these things are unpreventable tragedies borne of testosterone. They are preventable tragedies borne of tolerance for cruelty.

Testosterone may give bullies the wherewithal to make their cruelties louder and stronger, to choose stronger victims, but with the right guidance it gives those who stand up for the weak strength and volume, as well. Manhood is not more cruel than boyhood (or girlhood); it is only stronger. Testosterone can be the friend and ally of courage, too, and of every virtue…even chastity.

Besides, if this doesn’t fall under the heading of “whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me”, I don’t know what does. I wonder what Sister Principal would have to defend her policy on that point. Can she see Jesus in a vulnerable little girl, or not?