Burnout

[pensmama87]

I’m facing burnout. And it’s bad.

I have reduced my babysitting hours, but I still have extra kids for some portion of the day 3-4 days per week. Having the extra kids at home, even when they’re on their best behavior (which frankly has not happened recently) drives me batty. My kids behave worse when they are here. I’m hormonal, and tired, and while I’m not sick constantly I still have bouts of nausea.

My husband got a really good lead on a new job, but he didn’t formally apply so I don’t know if he’s actually going to be considered or not. He is pushing me to keep babysitting, when I really, really don’t want to anymore. I am having trouble cooking, cleaning, and doing self-care. The money is not absolutely vital to our survival anymore, though of course it would be better if we had a higher income.

I don’t know how to cope right now. If I do quit, I don’t know how to tell the clients, who I’ve already agreed to work for until the end of August. Of course, DH would be really mad if I did quit, so there’s that, too.

Ugh. Prayers needed, please!

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Aw, I feel very bad for you. I like kids, but I know I would get burnt out really fast babysitting other people’s children all the time, so I can only imagine how much worse it would be when you combine that with pregnancy and other factors. Does your husband realize that it is beginning to take a toll on you?

Could you give your clients notice that you will only be doing it for a month or two months more (or however long you think is fair notice)? That would give them time to find someone else and give you an end in sight to look forward to.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m facing burnout. And it’s bad.

I have reduced my babysitting hours, but I still have extra kids for some portion of the day 3-4 days per week. Having the extra kids at home, even when they’re on their best behavior (which frankly has not happened recently) drives me batty. My kids behave worse when they are here. I’m hormonal, and tired, and while I’m not sick constantly I still have bouts of nausea.

My husband got a really good lead on a new job, but he didn’t formally apply so I don’t know if he’s actually going to be considered or not. He is pushing me to keep babysitting, when I really, really don’t want to anymore. I am having trouble cooking, cleaning, and doing self-care. The money is not absolutely vital to our survival anymore, though of course it would be better if we had a higher income.

I don’t know how to cope right now. If I do quit, I don’t know how to tell the clients, who I’ve already agreed to work for until the end of August. Of course, DH would be really mad if I did quit, so there’s that, too.

Ugh. Prayers needed, please!

Here’s a possibility that might improve your quality of life, preserve your agreements with the parents, but reduce (but not eliminate) your babysitting income.

Can you bring in a helper for you one day or two days a week, even just for a few hours? I started babysitting an extra child when my oldest was 1 and it was a fabulous experience for all of us (I’m still in touch with the family and we get together from time to time). However, I got pregnant when my oldest was turning 2, had the baby, and at some point, it was all just too much (I’m one of those ladies who get really, really sleepy and ineffective when pregnant plus my oldest was a really difficult toddler). I was able to keep up my obligations by bringing in college students to help. That zapped the income, but I was able to finish up without letting anybody down.

You may find that you’re able to provide a better level of care if you have a helper at least part of the time. A mom that wanted a little income and some social experiences for her toddler might be a good match if you don’t have access to college students. Although, come to think of it, if you can hang on until the summer, there should be lots of college and older high school students available soon (college students should start coming home in 6+ weeks).

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

It’s also just possible that you’ll start feeling a little better in a few weeks.

(I don’t really promise that one. I had a fabulously energetic superwoman second trimester with my first baby, but it never materialized in later pregnancies.)

 

[Xantippe]

Also, come to think of it, none of your clients are going to be that surprised by you bailing on them if they know you are pregnant.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

Oh honey, ditch the kids … Seriously, I’d give the parents a few months advance of when I was ending my babysitting duties.

Years ago, I babysat when my son was a baby … I found out I really don’t care for many other people’s children, especially when they didn’t behave.

AND it’s okay, because there are plenty of other people who ENJOY children and babysitting.

Praying for you.

(((HUGS))) :hug3:

 

[Lorelei12]

Is there a particular reason that your husband is pushing you to keep doing it? Does he think you are worse off financially than you really are?

Does he respond well to data? If you can break down how much you make and subtract the extra taxes you pay because of it would that mean anything to him if you demonstrated that it’s really not worth it?

I’ll be praying for you. You have a lot on your plate. And I am sure that your husband is a wonderful man and a hard worker, but it seems really unfair that he refuses to take some of his generous sick time to help you out when you need it, and that you are having trouble keeping up. Could he at least help you out more with the cooking and cleaning?

I don’t know what your relationship is like, but if I were you I think I would be very firm and say “something has to go, because I am burning out and I cannot go on like this any longer”. And if he still pushes you to babysit, I think I’d probably start using that money to order out for food or a cleaning service, anything to take something off my plate to make it a little easier.

 

[pensmama87]

Oh honey, ditch the kids … Seriously, I’d give the parents a few months advance of when I was ending my babysitting duties.

**Years ago, I babysat when my son was a baby … I found out I really don’t care for many other people’s children, especially when they didn’t behave. **

AND it’s okay, because there are plenty of other people who ENJOY children and babysitting.

Praying for you.

(((HUGS))) :hug3:

You know, I used to think I really liked children, and unfortunately my whole experience with this has really soured me on other people’s kids. While at first I was happy my kids would have other kids to play with on a regular basis, being together for 35 hours+ every week has really had some negative effects on them. I’ve never been a (in my opinion) super strict parent, but for the most part when I asked my kids to do things, they did them, and when I asked them to stop, they stopped. The idea that there was some other way, that kids could negotiate or beg or whine or throw a tantrum to get their way had never entered their minds - even though my oldest is strong willed, he knew that I could outstubborn him if I wanted to. Now I face that constantly, and it’s exhausting. By the time we get to Friday and I’ve trained the babysitting kids out of it, they go home for two days and I have to start all over again on Monday, and I’m constantly retraining my kids that “Nope, that still doesn’t work.”

A friend of mine has been doing this for almost ten years, but I think she’s always had clients younger than her children, she took a lot of time off, and she knew her clients beforehand. I think I got a lot of kids who had been thrown out of their prior care arrangements, frankly. A few I had to quit on because they were violent to my kids.

I do feel bad because I feel like I had already given them my notice, and now I want to shorten it. I don’t think I could handle more people coming in even if it was a helper. Some of this may be seasonal, too - I always get moody in February and March even when I’m not pregnant - and I am tired of being stuck at home and never going to be able to take my kids and do things, or scheduling doctor appointments around 3-4 schedules.

I’m also trying to wean the 22-month old and he is not happy about it. We’re down to the last feeding, but I’m all dried up and it just hurts. That affects his sleeping and his behavior the rest of the time, and I feel like I’m just not there for him the way he needs me to be. I’m tired of being mean old nasty tired mommy.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I don’t know how to cope right now. If I do quit, I don’t know how to tell the clients, who I’ve already agreed to work for until the end of August. Of course, DH would be really mad if I did quit, so there’s that, too.

First off, I really think you should try and sit down with your husband and see if you can’t make him understand just what you’ve told us. Maybe you’re not giving him enough credit. I would certainly hope that I could understand and be accepting if my wife were to share those concerns with me.

Maybe you can give your clients one months notice. If your health and well-being really is deteriorating you need to give that priority.

Think about some special vitamin and nutritional changes, as they can really make a difference in a large way sometimes. A good doctor or nutritionist might be able to help.

I’ve enjoyed your posts here at CAF so don’t stop that! And I’ll do my best to remember you and your family at adoration.

God Bless!!

 

[pensmama87]

Is there a particular reason that your husband is pushing you to keep doing it? Does he think you are worse off financially than you really are?

Does he respond well to data? If you can break down how much you make and subtract the extra taxes you pay because of it would that mean anything to him if you demonstrated that it’s really not worth it?

I’ll be praying for you. You have a lot on your plate. And I am sure that your husband is a wonderful man and a hard worker, but it seems really unfair that he refuses to take some of his generous sick time to help you out when you need it, and that you are having trouble keeping up. Could he at least help you out more with the cooking and cleaning?

I don’t know what your relationship is like, but if I were you I think I would be very firm and say “something has to go, because I am burning out and I cannot go on like this any longer”. And if he still pushes you to babysit, I think I’d probably start using that money to order out for food or a cleaning service, anything to take something off my plate to make it a little easier.

My husband means well. He really, really does. But he doesn’t get it, and I think there’s an element of not wanting to get it, either. He’s been very blessed in his life. He was an only child, born late in life to parents who waited for him a long, long time, who both had and kept steady jobs for 35 years. He got into every college and graduate program he applied to, his parents paid for his undergrad, he got a full scholarship for his grad program, and until last year had gotten every single job he ever applied for. I don’t think he knows how rare that is.

I also don’t think he understands that our life circumstances are a lot different than his parents’ were 30 years ago. We had children right out of the gate and they keep coming, it costs more to live now, and he wants us to be able to afford luxuries that he remembers from growing up, but he doesn’t realize his parents were significantly older when they had those things than we are now. We also have education debt (mine), and he does have a mentality of “my money/your money and I have no debt/you have debt.” He does not think in terms of “ours.” He makes the money and I live off it. He feels it’s my responsibility to pay off the debt and so his income should not go toward it (some does right now, but he’s expressed this as a “favor.”)

For a brief time I did look for full-time work (after having kids - I worked 2-3 part-time jobs before we had any, and briefly had a full-time job that I was laid off from after giving birth, which in hindsight I could have probably sued over but I didn’t because I was so discouraged.) I was offered ONE job in over a year of looking that would have made enough salary to justify putting our oldest in daycare, and it would have been 50-60 hours a week with me being away for training for 2 months first, and then 1-2 week travel every other month or so for however long I decided to put up with that. Sorry, nope.

I’m used to working hard. Really hard. My husband has seen me work really hard. But this is the hardest I’ve ever worked in my life, for the lowest wages since high school, and frankly I can’t take it. And I think he thinks I am not working hard now, since I am at at home. After all, his mom didn’t get to stay home and she was fine.

 

[pensmama87]

I did try talking to him about it a few days ago - made sure there was no basketball on (that’s a Thurs-Sun thing this time of year), kids were in bed already, etc. etc.

He sat there while I talked (and I tried really hard not to go on - if you haven’t noticed from my posting I can be longwinded at times ), and when I was done he said, “I’m sorry. That sounds hard.” and then…that was it. Any attempts on my part to continue the conversation were met with silence. That’s normally how these things go. He is willing to wait out the conversation until I give up. His assumption is that I am hormonal and I’ll get over it.

You know how there’s that common argument that men often want to fix things but women just want them to listen? I call BS on that because I’d love for him to try and help me fix it!!

 

[faithsmind]

We also have education debt (mine), and he does have a mentality of “my money/your money and I have no debt/you have debt.” He does not think in terms of “ours.” He makes the money and I live off it. He feels it’s my responsibility to pay off the debt and so his income should not go toward it (some does right now, but he’s expressed this as a “favor.”)

Are you kidding me? That’s not what a marriage is in my mind. I would be FURIOUS. Sometimes it’s OK to get mad. Sometimes it’s necessary to get mad and define your boundaries. You have every right in this situation!

Also, I learned the hard way, a long time ago, that words don’t work with most men. Actions do. Brainstorm, Honey.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[pensmama87]

Are you kidding me? That’s not what a marriage is in my mind. I would be FURIOUS. Sometimes it’s OK to get mad. Sometimes it’s necessary to get mad and define your boundaries. You have every right in this situation!

Also, I learned the hard way, a long time ago, that words don’t work with most men. Actions do. Brainstorm, Honey.

I don’t even know what I would do. I get mad. I suffer. I spend days crying. I’m not trying to be emotionally manipulative, I literally just have so much emotion that I can’t contain it. He sees me crying and ignores it. When I finally get mad, he’ll say I’m being mean because I let a swear word slip out.

I’ve been in counseling and talked about my husband’s stonewalling a lot. He just really doesn’t want to have to deal with unpleasantness, and thinks everything will just always blow over. If I quit after he’s told me he doesn’t want me to, I feel like I’ve been mean. After all, if he did the same to me, I’d be really upset (and I think with good reason!)

I honestly feel like I have no way to handle the silent treatment, or the situations that lead to it. Maybe that’s why DH uses it so often - in his mind, it’s working, because I give up on bugging him.

 

[faithsmind]

It seems to me that you are in an unhealthy situation for your baby. I think you need to tell your husband that you are doing what’s best for you and your baby right now and that’s that. Just do it. No need to verbally express your emotions any longer. Just do it.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t even know what I would do. I get mad. I suffer. I spend days crying. I’m not trying to be emotionally manipulative, I literally just have so much emotion that I can’t contain it. He sees me crying and ignores it. When I finally get mad, he’ll say I’m being mean because I let a swear word slip out.

I’ve been in counseling and talked about my husband’s stonewalling a lot. He just really doesn’t want to have to deal with unpleasantness, and thinks everything will just always blow over. If I quit after he’s told me he doesn’t want me to, I feel like I’ve been mean. After all, if he did the same to me, I’d be really upset (and I think with good reason!)

I honestly feel like I have no way to handle the silent treatment, or the situations that lead to it. Maybe that’s why DH uses it so often - in his mind, it’s working, because I give up on bugging him.

How about, “I want to give these families 30 days notice and then I want to quit babysitting. That’s what I’m going to do as of a week from today. If you want me to continue, we can go to our pastor’s office/my OB’s office/my therapist’s office and if you can persuade them that I ought to continue, I’ll give it another 30 days. After that 30 days, if I still feel the same way, we can go again to our pastor’s office/my OB’s office/my therapist’s office and if you can persuade them again, I’ll give it another 30 days.”

Sorry if that’s a little complicated! You need to pull a third party into these discussions to deal with the stonewalling. But make the default that you are quitting, but that if he and the pastor/therapist/OB agree that you ought to continue, you will do so. Oh, and if you go to the pastor or the therapist, bring a written budget and show them that your basic needs are covered without your daycare work. I suspect that your husband cares a lot about looking good in front of others, so it’s very important to involve others (confidential others, that is) in the situation. If he will not agree to go with you to your pastor, OB, or therapist in the next week or two, you are going to automatically give notice. If he wants you to keep doing this for 35 hours a week indefinitely, he can find an hour out of his busy schedule to go talk to your pastor, OB or therapist about this.

Given your mental health/eating disorder issues, I would be very concerned about your and the baby’s well-being if I were your doctor or therapist.

Alternately, fire just one or two families and see how you feel then.

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

One more thing. As I mentioned earlier, I have done extra childcare now and then in the past.

However, now that I have three children (12, 10 and 2), two big kids that need a lot of handholding during after school hours and have later and later bedtimes, a looming third private tuition and three oncoming college tuitions to cover, I am less and less excited about going back to home childcare.

Where I am today, I need more money to cover my trouble, and I need more flexibility. When/if I go back to work, I want to make more money than that, and I’d like a working environment with bathroom and lunch breaks.

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t even know what I would do. I get mad. I suffer. I spend days crying. I’m not trying to be emotionally manipulative, I literally just have so much emotion that I can’t contain it. He sees me crying and ignores it. When I finally get mad, he’ll say I’m being mean because I let a swear word slip out.

I’ve been in counseling and talked about my husband’s stonewalling a lot. He just really doesn’t want to have to deal with unpleasantness, and thinks everything will just always blow over. If I quit after he’s told me he doesn’t want me to, I feel like I’ve been mean. After all, if he did the same to me, I’d be really upset (and I think with good reason!)

I honestly feel like I have no way to handle the silent treatment, or the situations that lead to it. Maybe that’s why DH uses it so often - in his mind, it’s working, because I give up on bugging him.

I don’t know that I would just quit either, but I think you need to think of something else that would help you and do that. “As I tried explaining to you, I am very overwhelmed and on the verge of burning out. I’m not sure that you understand how serious this is, but I just wanted you to know that I’ve hired housekeeping help/will be ordering out x nights per week/whatever else you think might help you.”

I think the way to handle the silent treatment is to just take action. If he’s going to sit there and not say anything or take you seriously, or work with you to find a solution, it’s up to you. Your babies- born and unborn- need you to be functional, and it sounds like you’re on the verge of not functioning. I think you’re right that in his mind, he knows if he doesn’t say anything that you’ll just give up. Prove him wrong, and advocate for yourself and the kids. Show him that you are serious, and he will be forced to take you more seriously.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know that I would just quit either, but I think you need to think of something else that would help you and do that. “As I tried explaining to you, I am very overwhelmed and on the verge of burning out. I’m not sure that you understand how serious this is, but I just wanted you to know that I’ve hired housekeeping help/will be ordering out x nights per week/whatever else you think might help you.”

I think the way to handle the silent treatment is to just take action. If he’s going to sit there and not say anything or take you seriously, or work with you to find a solution, it’s up to you. Your babies- born and unborn- need you to be functional, and it sounds like you’re on the verge of not functioning. I think you’re right that in his mind, he knows if he doesn’t say anything that you’ll just give up. Prove him wrong, and advocate for yourself and the kids. Show him that you are serious, and he will be forced to take you more seriously.

Yes.

Alternately, there are such things as rotisserie chickens, store tamales, fish sticks, and store quiches. I just saw a special for 2 rotisserie chickens for $9.50, which is fantastic. There’s also cold cereal or oatmeal or sandwiches for dinner. If you’ve been packing his work lunch, have him pack his work lunch. (Heck, I’d recommend that one no matter what you decide with the babysitting.)

Streamline, streamline, streamline.

You guys need to see eye-to-eye on your finances before your kids hit the really expensive age (middle school and up). Your kids are currently at a relatively cheap age. Your kid expenses are going to shoot up once your kids are in school.

Best wishes!

 

[JamalChristophr]

Well, someone tell me if they think this is wrong, but if you feel you have to quit and your family really is not dependent on your income, then do it!

He will have to adjust.