Burnout

[Xantippe]

Well, someone tell me if they think this is wrong, but if you feel you have to quit and your family really is not dependent on your income, then do it!

He will have to adjust.

Getting spousal permission to quit a job is basic marital courtesy, just like it’s basic marital courtesy to get permission to make any large purchase.

It’s just that in this particular situation, it may be quite difficult to get that permission.

 

[JamalChristophr]

Getting spousal permission to quit a job is basic marital courtesy, just like it’s basic marital courtesy to get permission to make any large purchase.

It’s just that in this particular situation, it may be quite difficult to get that permission.

Well, you know much better than me, Xantippe. I’ve been single all my life up to now anyways. The situation seems a bit frustrating. Does she have to have a nervous breakdown first? Just pondering.

 

[JamalChristophr]

It seems like he really isn’t taking you seriously, and that’s a problem.

Maybe I haven’t fully read through what the women have suggested, but the communication line is imperfect here and it needs to be resolved. I wonder if you can’t try once again to make it more clear to him. And tell him this really is something you have to do. Maybe he just expects more of you than you can deliver. It seems better that he bend before you break.

God Bless.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, you know much better than me, Xantippe. I’ve been single all my life up to now anyways. The situation seems a bit frustrating. Does she have to have a nervous breakdown first? Just pondering.

I know!

That’s why I would really want to involve a reasonable third party to move the situation forward. Hopefully either husband would say, “Sorry! Too busy to go to appointment!” in which case pensmama87 can quit with a clear conscience or the OB/pastor/therapist sides with her, in which case pensmama87 can quit with a clear conscience. I only foresee the OB, pastor or therapist insisting that she keep working if the family had truly a dire financial situation, which is not what pensmama87 has described. I imagine that the OB, for one, would be very eager to reduce the amount of kid germs that pensmama87 is being exposed to.

 

[pensmama87]

I know!

That’s why I would really want to involve a reasonable third party to move the situation forward. Hopefully either husband would say, “Sorry! Too busy to go to appointment!” in which case pensmama87 can quit with a clear conscience or the OB/pastor/therapist sides with her, in which case pensmama87 can quit with a clear conscience. I only foresee the OB, pastor or therapist insisting that she keep working if the family had truly a dire financial situation, which is not what pensmama87 has described. I imagine that the OB, for one, would be very eager to reduce the amount of kid germs that pensmama87 is being exposed to.

I’m skittish about third party involvement for a few reasons:

• He puts on a really good face for others. He can be incredibly charming when he wants to be.
• The last couples counselor we saw together had just gone through a nasty divorce and told me I reminded him of his ex-wife. Totally unprofessional, but it makes it hard for me to believe in their impartiality.

Though, he would also be likely to cancel or flake out on an appointment, which would put me in the clear. Or he’d refuse to pay a babysitter (and no way could we ask a relative to sit for us if we’re going for counseling!).

I am thinking now that what I need to do is lay out some kind of ultimatum. And really, this is what I would prefer - for him to be involved with our family and do stuff. If there were a few things he’d be willing to help with, things would be a lot better and I probably wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. Stuff like everyday chores or minor household projects that would make my life easier.

And if he doesn’t want to, and wants me to keep doing it all, then I’ll quit.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I’m skittish about third party involvement for a few reasons:

• He puts on a really good face for others. He can be incredibly charming when he wants to be.
• The last couples counselor we saw together had just gone through a nasty divorce and told me I reminded him of his ex-wife. Totally unprofessional, but it makes it hard for me to believe in their impartiality.

Though, he would also be likely to cancel or flake out on an appointment, which would put me in the clear. Or he’d refuse to pay a babysitter (and no way could we ask a relative to sit for us if we’re going for counseling!).

I am thinking now that what I need to do is lay out some kind of ultimatum. And really, this is what I would prefer - for him to be involved with our family and do stuff. If there were a few things he’d be willing to help with, things would be a lot better and I probably wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. Stuff like everyday chores or minor household projects that would make my life easier.

And if he doesn’t want to, and wants me to keep doing it all, then I’ll quit.

That seems fair enough to me.

Will pray for you and DH.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m skittish about third party involvement for a few reasons:

• He puts on a really good face for others. He can be incredibly charming when he wants to be.
• The last couples counselor we saw together had just gone through a nasty divorce and told me I reminded him of his ex-wife. Totally unprofessional, but it makes it hard for me to believe in their impartiality.

Though, he would also be likely to cancel or flake out on an appointment, which would put me in the clear. Or he’d refuse to pay a babysitter (and no way could we ask a relative to sit for us if we’re going for counseling!).

I am thinking now that what I need to do is lay out some kind of ultimatum. And really, this is what I would prefer - for him to be involved with our family and do stuff. If there were a few things he’d be willing to help with, things would be a lot better and I probably wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. Stuff like everyday chores or minor household projects that would make my life easier.

And if he doesn’t want to, and wants me to keep doing it all, then I’ll quit.

If you can manage without, great.

I wouldn’t rule out a third party, especially in the case of very specific points of conflict, but it has to be somebody that you have confidence in the judgment of.

It would be a very, very unusual person that would say that a pregnant mother of a 3-year-old and 1-year-old needs to run a home daycare that she doesn’t want to run anymore, particularly when her husband is a well-paid professional. That’s a rather uncommon situation, I would think. I suspect that even the lousy bitter divorced therapist would think that was a little nuts. Plus, think about the golden rule–would you want to send your kids to the burnt out home daycare lady?

You guys have a lot to work on before the new baby is born.

Good luck!

 

[Viki63]

How about, “I want to give these families 30 days notice and then I want to quit babysitting. That’s what I’m going to do as of a week from today. If you want me to continue, we can go to our pastor’s office/my OB’s office/my therapist’s office and if you can persuade them that I ought to continue, I’ll give it another 30 days. After that 30 days, if I still feel the same way, we can go again to our pastor’s office/my OB’s office/my therapist’s office and if you can persuade them again, I’ll give it another 30 days.”

This seems like a good idea. Either that, or as you said, make a list of helpful things your husband could do to make the load lighter, If he agrees, give him a week and see if he does them in fact.
If not, I would do what Xantippe suggested, and if that doesn’t work out, I would just go ahead and give your families a few weeks notice and quit. Your mental and physical health trumps everything right now. You need to be able to care for your own children without burning out.
You do not need anyone’s permission to take care of yourself and your children.

 

[Lorelei12]

I am thinking now that what I need to do is lay out some kind of ultimatum. And really, this is what I would prefer - for him to be involved with our family and do stuff. If there were a few things he’d be willing to help with, things would be a lot better and I probably wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. Stuff like everyday chores or minor household projects that would make my life easier.

And if he doesn’t want to, and wants me to keep doing it all, then I’ll quit.

This sounds very reasonable. I hope it works out and that you start feeling better!

 

[pensmama87]

I haven’t presented a list yet, but DH did agree to take the kids to his parents’ for the day, so I can catch up on a few things AND take a nap, without interruption. :dancing:

This is not all him, either. I do have to work on not imposing so much self-pressure to get things done and to constantly be busy. I can be pretty harsh in my self-talk about what I do and do not accomplish, and not realize that I am literally asking the impossible of myself. My husband does already help with a few things around the house, which is light years ahead of my dad - who didn’t even do the stereotypical dad stuff like mow the lawn, change lightbulbs, cook out on the grill, etc. My mother was expected to do everything home-related. I used to get pretty mad growing up because at one point she gave up entirely on regular cleaning and tidying up, and we ate fast food and takeout regularly. But wow, she just must have been so tired. I can’t even imagine. Meanwhile my dad was out on the golf course four or five times a week, and parked firmly in front of the TV the rest of the time he wasn’t at work.

 

[Xantippe]

I haven’t presented a list yet, but DH did agree to take the kids to his parents’ for the day, so I can catch up on a few things AND take a nap, without interruption. :dancing:

This is not all him, either. I do have to work on not imposing so much self-pressure to get things done and to constantly be busy. I can be pretty harsh in my self-talk about what I do and do not accomplish, and not realize that I am literally asking the impossible of myself. My husband does already help with a few things around the house, which is light years ahead of my dad - who didn’t even do the stereotypical dad stuff like mow the lawn, change lightbulbs, cook out on the grill, etc. My mother was expected to do everything home-related. I used to get pretty mad growing up because at one point she gave up entirely on regular cleaning and tidying up, and we ate fast food and takeout regularly. But wow, she just must have been so tired. I can’t even imagine. Meanwhile my dad was out on the golf course four or five times a week, and parked firmly in front of the TV the rest of the time he wasn’t at work.

Very good!

I think that proposing that he either help with X, Y or Z or you need to quit your daycare is a reasonable idea. Men with working wives need to expect a lot of home responsibilities. (Ditto fathers in general, but this is especially true of men with working wives.) If you’re working, he needs to help at home. And if he doesn’t want to help at home, then he shouldn’t expect you to also run the daycare.

I hear you about the dad thing. I didn’t realize it at the time, though. It actually took me until the past year (after many CAF discussions) to realize, "Hey, my dad didn’t lift a finger around the house–no lawn mowing (we had cows that would graze right up to the deck), no “girl jobs” (except once in a blue moon–I’m pretty sure he didn’t do any dishes even when my mom had cancer and chemotherapy), no regular repairs (my parents are to this day unfamiliar with the concept of regular home maintenance), no small child care (to this day, I’m not sure he’s ever changed a diaper), no grilling. It’s true that my parents had built the house and there was a farm and a lot of small part-time or seasonal gigs, but there was also a lot of sofa time during spells of unemployment or down time. The other thing that has belatedly dawned on me (because I used to idolize my dad for all his different kinds of work and long hours) is that the longer dad (or the out-of-the-house parent) works, the longer mom (or the at-home parent) has to work. That’s a fairly simple insight, but you’d be amazed how many smart people just don’t get that. The other thing I’ve been realizing about my dad is that he LIKES his various kinds of work (that he gets to choose) and he wouldn’t feel the same way about household work or other work. The lightbulb finally went on for me when I realized that he is practically never at the store–my parents’ main money-maker–while he puts in hours and hours of time at a part-time teaching job that pays relatively little but gives a lot of psychic satisfaction while my mom carries on at the store with an employee.

 

[E_7]

I also don’t think he understands that our life circumstances are a lot different than his parents’ were 30 years ago. We had children right out of the gate and they keep coming, it costs more to live now, and he wants us to be able to afford luxuries that he remembers from growing up, but he doesn’t realize his parents were significantly older when they had those things than we are now.

My mother-in-law is constantly reminding us (especially me) that “this is the time to sow, to sow, to sow, to sow, so that later when you’re older you reap and enjoy. Not to sow and reap, sow and reap, cuz if you do, I will see you old and still sowing to reap to have fun. This is the time to save.”

 

[E_7]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I personally think that you’re overworking yourself, especially now during pregnancy. You should be pampered and be treated like a princess by your husband during pregnancy, IMO.

 

[Xantippe]

My mother-in-law is constantly reminding us (especially me) that “this is the time to sow, to sow, to sow, to sow, so that later when you’re older you reap and enjoy. Not to sow and reap, sow and reap, cuz if you do, I will see you old and still sowing to reap to have fun. This is the time to save.”

Also, while some things are cheaper now (clothes, electronics, food, long distance calls, etc.) some things are a lot more expensive than they used to be (housing and education and healthcare).

There’s also a big problem inherent in the fact that we cannot remember our parents’ financial situation from when we were tiny. Hence, most of our memories of our family’s financial situation will date from parents’ (hopefully) prosperous middle age. In our family, for instance, we only got our first car when our middle child was 2 and our oldest was just turning 5. Our oldest has vague memories of pre-car times, but of course our middle child probably doesn’t. We also made the transition from being an apartment family to a rental house family at the same time. Our youngest child basically lives in the car. Likewise, we bought and moved into our first home when our youngest was 7 months old–from her point of view, we will have always been homeowners, even though from our adult point of view, it’s a very new thing.

In the same way, few of us are going to have accurate memories of how well our parents coped with us when we were one or two. I always want to laugh whenever I hear of men saying stuff like, “My mom had 3/5/7/however many kids and she did JUST FINE.” We parents generally make an effort not to share with their children the fact that we are losing it or at the end of our rope, so the child’s perception of how well mom was coping when the child was 3 or so is not in my opinion admissible evidence (unless mom was obviously not coping). I have to point out that in ye goode olde dayes, moms were very keen on getting kids to go play outside ALL DAY LONG.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m facing burnout. And it’s bad.

I have reduced my babysitting hours, but I still have extra kids for some portion of the day 3-4 days per week. Having the extra kids at home, even when they’re on their best behavior (which frankly has not happened recently) drives me batty. My kids behave worse when they are here. I’m hormonal, and tired, and while I’m not sick constantly I still have bouts of nausea.

My husband got a really good lead on a new job, but he didn’t formally apply so I don’t know if he’s actually going to be considered or not. He is pushing me to keep babysitting, when I really, really don’t want to anymore. I am having trouble cooking, cleaning, and doing self-care. The money is not absolutely vital to our survival anymore, though of course it would be better if we had a higher income.

I don’t know how to cope right now. If I do quit, I don’t know how to tell the clients, who I’ve already agreed to work for until the end of August. Of course, DH would be really mad if I did quit, so there’s that, too.

Ugh. Prayers needed, please!

I remember a previous thread where I think the best solution would have been for you to quit. And this only makes that solution that much more evident. Please, quit. You know that this is not good for your family and your mental health right now. You need to be the best parent you can be. Ultimately, it is between you and your husband but you post for advice so I don’t sugar coat it. Either way, you have my prayers!

 

[faithsmind]

I came across such a good article today. It made me think of Pensmama and this thread, and so many other mommies going through the same thing these days. Yeah Im a little bitter. ;D A bitter hag is what I am. ;D But at least Im still cute.
So I’m posting it here, maybe she can show it to her DH. The hub who wrote the article calculated the SAHM, if paid conservatively for what she was worth, would be making over 65,000 per year.

Here’s the link
ijreview.com/2015/04/287991-fathers-cant-afford-stay-home-mom/

Happy Easter!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I came across such a good article today. It made me think of Pensmama and this thread, and so many other mommies going through the same thing these days. Yeah Im a little bitter. ;D A bitter hag is what I am. ;D But at least Im still cute.
So I’m posting it here, maybe she can show it to her DH. The hub who wrote the article calculated the SAHM, if paid conservatively for what she was worth, would be making over 65,000 per year.

Here’s the link
ijreview.com/2015/04/287991-fathers-cant-afford-stay-home-mom/

Happy Easter!

65,000 is not really that much… I feel like the job is worth more than that.

 

[pensmama87]

I came across such a good article today. It made me think of Pensmama and this thread, and so many other mommies going through the same thing these days. Yeah Im a little bitter. ;D A bitter hag is what I am. ;D But at least Im still cute.
So I’m posting it here, maybe she can show it to her DH. The hub who wrote the article calculated the SAHM, if paid conservatively for what she was worth, would be making over 65,000 per year.

Here’s the link
ijreview.com/2015/04/287991-fathers-cant-afford-stay-home-mom/

Happy Easter!

Thanks for the post! If I made that, I’d outearn my husband. (Someone upthread mentioned my husband’s job as a “well-paid professional.” Well, he’s a professional, and one day may be well-paid, but right now, not so much.) I do know my being home saves our family some expenses (obvious ones like daycare, but I can also do cleaning and cooking for much less than it would cost to hire out).

What I really want is a nap. And some appreciation (which I guess is what the link is really about.) I have been doing better the past week or so (getting those kids outside makes such a huge difference!) and my husband has been better about helping out, realizing that even when I am at home I’m still working almost full time. I’m still counting down the days, though, and I think that once I quit I’m not going to do this again, unless under drastically different circumstances.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks for the post! If I made that, I’d outearn my husband. (Someone upthread mentioned my husband’s job as a “well-paid professional.” Well, he’s a professional, and one day may be well-paid, but right now, not so much.) I do know my being home saves our family some expenses (obvious ones like daycare, but I can also do cleaning and cooking for much less than it would cost to hire out).

What I really want is a nap. And some appreciation (which I guess is what the link is really about.) I have been doing better the past week or so (getting those kids outside makes such a huge difference!) and my husband has been better about helping out, realizing that even when I am at home I’m still working almost full time. I’m still counting down the days, though, and I think that once I quit I’m not going to do this again, unless under drastically different circumstances.

Fantastic!

 

[faithsmind]

A naaaaap. God bless you and the invaluable work you’re doing.

65,000 is not really that much… I feel like the job is worth more than that.

I KNOW right? He didn’t calculate the night or swing shifts. Lol.

Ooh! Made me think of this wonderfully touching video…
m.youtube.com/watch?v=MWcJZ210AaM