Tis_Bearself
Patron
Yes, the CAF column I posted explains this.
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Tis_Bearself
Patron
My husband used to be away for weeks on end for his job. It sucked, but the world didn’t end. I will say it would have been harder if we had kids, but it would be doable.
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Pup7
Guest
My dad was gone for two years thanks to Vietnam. Well before anyone gave a hoot about “military families”.
My mom and siblings survived.
And then I showed up.
My mom and siblings survived.
And then I showed up.
Tis_Bearself
Patron
Yeah, that was back in the days when people said things like, “If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one.”
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Pup7
Guest
They couldn’t even stay on base back then. The house was for the member. Not the family.
They moved - and the military did NOT pay for that. Dad did not draw a housing allowance for two years.
Contrast that with now. When I went to Korea for a year (2016-2017), the military paid my housing allowance in the States for my husband (the tour was a mandated unaccompanied, meaning he could not go) AND paid me overseas housing allowance to live in Korea. (If I were single, they obviously wouldn’t have done that - but because I have dependents and I went on orders, they did. It blew my mind and we were quite grateful, even though we could’ve managed.)
Times have changed.
They moved - and the military did NOT pay for that. Dad did not draw a housing allowance for two years.
Contrast that with now. When I went to Korea for a year (2016-2017), the military paid my housing allowance in the States for my husband (the tour was a mandated unaccompanied, meaning he could not go) AND paid me overseas housing allowance to live in Korea. (If I were single, they obviously wouldn’t have done that - but because I have dependents and I went on orders, they did. It blew my mind and we were quite grateful, even though we could’ve managed.)
Times have changed.
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PetraG
Guest
I think you’re getting reasonable information with regards to getting to Mass; the organization he is going with may also have resources or suggestions.
I’d be concerned, however, about being apart from you for most of nine months. My husband and I have done the long-distance thing. That is a very long time, let’s just say that. It is not that it cannot be done, but long separations do increase a couple’s chances of divorce.
I’d be concerned, however, about being apart from you for most of nine months. My husband and I have done the long-distance thing. That is a very long time, let’s just say that. It is not that it cannot be done, but long separations do increase a couple’s chances of divorce.
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Pup7
Guest
The divorce rate in the military isn’t much different than the general US divorce rate. Just pointing that out.
And for us, it’s the frequency that gets people - six months this year, four months last year, eight months next year. Not the duration.
And for us, it’s the frequency that gets people - six months this year, four months last year, eight months next year. Not the duration.
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dochawk
Guest
Gee, this could go in the “two headlines” thread . . .My mom and siblings survived.
And then I showed up.
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Pup7
Guest
Pup7:
Gee, this could go in the “two headlines” thread . . .My mom and siblings survived.
And then I showed up.
To be fair I was so unplanned I practically was six o’clock news.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
Guest
No. Complacency with debt is a sign of stupidity.
We should always feel unsettled when we owe someone money.
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Pup7
Guest
This is genius. Ben Franklin is likely annoyed he didn’t come up with this.
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PetraG
Guest
The personal stress on the individual may be even more to blame. Having said that, work-related travel has been found to adversely impact marriages in a statistically meaningful way except “when gender role attitudes and gender role behaviors are congruent.” (https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1020272428817)
To me, that suggests that work-related travel is OK when the spouse staying at home thinks it is within his or her expectations for marriage. Having been there and been surrounded by other people in the same boat, I’d say it is bearable when everyone finds it within their expectations and not so much when it seems beyond what ought to be expected from the start.
In other words, it is hard. If it is the kind of hard you think you signed up for by being married, then you can probably do it. If you think it is more than ought to be asked of you–and really, do be honest with yourself about this–you are far less likely to come out stronger on the other side. You have to be on the same page about it and in agreement that it is something that you as a couple want to embark on from the start.
The OP and her husband aren’t going to be in the same room to have discussions about this. They aren’t going to want to “ruin” the times they can have together by venting about it. They need to be able to be honest with each other because they are in agreement from the beginning that this is something they want to do.
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Tis_Bearself
Patron
I don’t really believe that. It depends on the individuals, whether they do well on their own, how committed they are and what their expectations are of a spouse. My husband and I had many fairly long separations and we never even thought about divorcing. I have known other couples who pretty much spent almost every day together and still ended up divorced, sometimes after many years.
Don’t let people scare you into thinking you’re gonna split up if you do this or that. I had so many people critiquing my marriage (without my asking them to) it was ridiculous. We were fine.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
Guest
This seems like a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Marriages survive when two people want to work together.
Separations when one of the people is repeatedly traumatized increase chances of divorce.
My husband has to travel for work. Sometimes 2-3 days, sometimes 6-8 weeks. It’s a pain, yes, and it’s worse now that we have kids but we talk, plan and are reasonable about it.
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Pup7
Guest
Generally, in the polls I see and the articles I read (and in the people I talk to who have been through this), it’s the constant revolving door of deployments. Most people are wired to accept a means to an end. But when you have no schedule and you’re just deployed willy-nilly, THAT is when the stress sets in. That is when it gets old.
And no, people in my mother’s day weren’t surrounded by those in the same boat. Not in the least. Because they couldn’t even remain on the installation. The public didn’t give a hoot about what happened to the families, and there were places that wouldn’t even hire my mother for working because she was married to a military man. Seriously.
I can honestly say that most people who live on base don’t know their neighbors. Civilians hear a lot about all this “support” we get and give, but in reality, we are no different from the rest of the world. We didn’t live on base when I was in Korea, and as a geographically separated husband with no dependent children I promise you there was very little “support” coming my husband’s way. The wives of men in his office adopted him, though, and “took care” of him for me, which I thought was sweet of them.
My point is sometimes you have to put up with a bit of garbage on the front to reap the benefit on the way out. And agreeing to a nine month separation is - in a solid marriage - seen as a means to an end (I’ll go and we will own our home free and clear, potentially freeing up a grand a month for the next 20 years - without interest).
If your marriage is in trouble, it’s doomed regardless of what your work travel schedule is.
And no, people in my mother’s day weren’t surrounded by those in the same boat. Not in the least. Because they couldn’t even remain on the installation. The public didn’t give a hoot about what happened to the families, and there were places that wouldn’t even hire my mother for working because she was married to a military man. Seriously.
I can honestly say that most people who live on base don’t know their neighbors. Civilians hear a lot about all this “support” we get and give, but in reality, we are no different from the rest of the world. We didn’t live on base when I was in Korea, and as a geographically separated husband with no dependent children I promise you there was very little “support” coming my husband’s way. The wives of men in his office adopted him, though, and “took care” of him for me, which I thought was sweet of them.
My point is sometimes you have to put up with a bit of garbage on the front to reap the benefit on the way out. And agreeing to a nine month separation is - in a solid marriage - seen as a means to an end (I’ll go and we will own our home free and clear, potentially freeing up a grand a month for the next 20 years - without interest).
If your marriage is in trouble, it’s doomed regardless of what your work travel schedule is.
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PetraG
Guest
Well, I have family members whose marriages didn’t take to separations so well. (This was job-related, not military-service-related.) Some co-workers in long-distance relationships did fine, some didn’t. If I had to make a rule of thumb, I’d say things are not going to go well when one spouse or the other thinks the demands of the separation are unreasonable from the beginning, something that is less common when someone marries someone in the military.
If the OP really feels this is not a reasonable demand to make on her, she should say so and advocate strongly against the idea. That feeling is not going to magically go away when her husband gets on the plane. It is going to ferment. She needs to be honest about how she is taking this, that is all I’m saying. I would not suggest she try to fake it. If it is going to work, it is going to work because she puts her husband on the plane with the thought: “We decided to do this, and we are going to make it work.”
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Pup7
Guest
You’d be amazed at the number of women (and husbands, for that matter) that think the number of deployments - no matter how small - are unreasonable. I promise you - this population is no different from the rest of the world.
I’ve heard pilot’s wives gripe at two week deployments every nine months, while the enlisted cop’s wife - whose husband has been gone at least six of the last nine months with another four months coming up in a few weeks - just chugs along. And I’ve heard it the other way around as well: the commander’s wife whose husband is gone a year to a remote in the desert in Afghanistan living in a tent at a forward operating base we call Mortarsville (for reason) who is just getting on with her life while some finance sergeant has a wife griping about a two month stint in Dubai (which is practically Club Fed).
It isn’t less common in the least. I hear it every day.
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Tis_Bearself
Patron
I did mention it is all about “what their expectations are of a spouse”.
There are spouses out there who expect the other spouse to be home for dinner every night at 6 pm so everybody can eat around the table together, and if the other spouse is working late or out of town, this is a problem.
There are other spouses out there who think it is more important that someone keep their job or do traveling work that they enjoy, rather than be home for dinner every night at 6. There are even spouses out there who hate the idea of “family dinner” for reasons having nothing to do with their spouse that go way way back.
If you are on the same page with the other person, then it’s fine. If you are not on the same page with them, it becomes a problem.
There are spouses out there who expect the other spouse to be home for dinner every night at 6 pm so everybody can eat around the table together, and if the other spouse is working late or out of town, this is a problem.
There are other spouses out there who think it is more important that someone keep their job or do traveling work that they enjoy, rather than be home for dinner every night at 6. There are even spouses out there who hate the idea of “family dinner” for reasons having nothing to do with their spouse that go way way back.
If you are on the same page with the other person, then it’s fine. If you are not on the same page with them, it becomes a problem.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
Guest
Every other separation for work only differs from other jobs in that in the military separations are often to war-zone PSTD causing places.
My husband travels for work sometimes. We don’t know if it will be 2 days or 2 months. his company is reasonable.
But in this day and age, one should never expect a spouse to never have to travel. It’s just not practical. Especially in high positions. My friend’s spouse was hardly ever home in his corporate position until he took a job with international travel. He was then home most weekends, and often had a completely free day each week.
Spouses do need to work together, but ESPECIALLY if the sole-breadwinner is saying “I should do this” the other needs to figure out how they are going to make it work.
The OP was mostly concerned with the God-for-money gambit, which can be overcome.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
Guest
Sounds like you have some really good candidates for the Dependas club.PetraG:
You’d be amazed at the number of women (and husbands, for that matter) that think the number of deployments - no matter how small - are unreasonable. I promise you - this population is no different from the rest of the world.
I’ve heard pilot’s wives gripe at two week deployments every nine months, while the enlisted cop’s wife - whose husband has been gone at least six of the last nine months with another four months coming up in a few weeks - just chugs along. And I’ve heard it the other way around as well: the commander’s wife whose husband is gone a year to a remote in the desert in Afghanistan living in a tent at a forward operating base we call Mortarsville (for reason) who is just getting on with her life while some finance sergeant has a wife griping about a two month stint in Dubai (which is practically Club Fed).
It isn’t less common in the least. I hear it every day.
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