Busy Husband, Tired Wife

[Elizabeth_Jamie]

She is screaming for help too. Do you think your sole responsibility is to provide the roof over the heads? No. It is just one of many. There are a lot more responsibilities when you are a husband and a father. Raising children is a tireless, never-ending job. It is a job that most men do not share. Most times, the women are left to deal with what it takes to make the house you provide a home. Help her out. Free up her time and energy to want to put a little more effort into you. One good turn deserves another.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Thanks to everyone who responded, especially for your prayers, advice and support.

To answer the question several people asked, yes, my husband is quite well aware of how I feel about some of his volunteering. This problem is nothing new. The rest of his volunteering is within reason, but coaching takes an extraordinary amount of his time–usually at the same time when his work is also very busy. I think he has been too busy to realize that his wife felt both neglected and pushed to her limits.

After posting on Saturday, I took my children to the park. I read a good book while they played. It felt good just to get out of the house. By the time we got back, my husband was home. It took a little effort, but I talked him into taking me out on a date. He also bought the part to fix the broken thing in our home that was bothering me the most and got it back into working order. (I told you he could fix almost anything.) At my request, he also read through this thread and we had a chance to talk more about things. He didn’t get any office work done this weekend, but his wife is happier.

My husband will be gone again next weekend to a family event on his side of the family. I’m invited too, but between my pregnancy, my general exhaustion and an assortment of other things, I prefer to stay home. Posting this thread helped me recognize the pattern that extended visits with in-laws usually occur when my tolerance level is low because I’m already tired. I might enjoy those visits with my husband’s parents more if other things with my husband were different, but at this point, I’m not up for an extended visit with my in-laws.

Being married twenty years, there’s more history than I can neatly condense into one post. While I let my husband know how I feel, it doesn’t always affect or change what he does. For example, he knows I don’t want to go next weekend but that won’t stop him from going, and I’m not sure if I would *want *him to stay home with me if he really wants to be somewhere else. He knows how I feel about his volunteer coaching, yet somehow he’s doing that again this year. And if our children are going to play sports, they need a coach so I’m torn over that too…So on and so on.

In any case, things aren’t perfect but we have a good life. Amidst the busy-ness of life, we need to pay more attention to each other and our marriage than we do. Thanks for letting me vent here to sort through these matters. And thanks especially for the prayers.

Have you guys tried counseling? Sometimes if you both speak with a priest together maybe that could help point things out to your husband that he might not understand without someone else pointing things out…??? Sometimes they listen better when someone else is informing them about things… I mean it would be worth a shot…

I understand you saying that you have a wonderful life together and yes I agree it seems like it is and anyone would be blessed with a great family like that especially after 20 years and still going strong that’s awesome! BUT with 8 babies, man, it would be nice for mommy to get daddy a little more involved with mommy, eh?

God bless and hope things get better for ya!

 

[Galnextdoor]

Scott Hahn and his wife say it is important to have a scheduled date night that everything else is planned around. This is very important. If I were in your situation, I make that part of my routine and put it in stone. Since your husband read this thread, maybe he will make more time for you.
If your husband is unwilling to do this, I would suggest a talk with a priest or going on a retreat together.

I’ll say a prayer for both of you.

 

[Joseph629]

Dear GardensWithKids

It seems mostly mothers (if not all) have been responding to you. Let me, a husband/father, share a bit. Married 27 yrs. My wife and my children are the most important thing to me. Job comes 2nd futher down, and way down the list comes volunteer work, sports, hobbies and anything else that may come along. Actually children come before my wife, -only in the sense that they have so many more needs as they are **TOTALLY **dependant on their parents-. When I took my vows, I made a commitment, -sickness/health, better/worse, etc. I made a covenant, a promise, to love. Didn’t alwas ‘feel’ love, but made a promise never-the-less. And in many ways that’s a sacrifice. A sacrifice of my personal pleasures for my family.

There are many things that I wish, would like to have gotten involved in. But in my promise before God, I put myself and my needs last. Or, as Servant of God Catherine Doherty used to say: " I am third". Which is: God first, others (family) 2nd, me third. If I am to serve God fully, then I MUST be last.

Sometimes we try too hard to make the perfect family, perfect schedule, perfect whatever. As a Christian/Catholic husband and father, I have an absolute responsibility to the total needs of my family first, before anything else. I’ve had to drop volunteer stuff. But the question I asked myself is: 'What do I love more, my hobbies, OR, my wife and children. Having family and 8 children means sacrifice. As somebody mentioned here that couldn’t have children -(and I know similar couples), what they wouldn’t GIVE to have a family. Is your husband willing to GIVE for his family? I don’t know how you make him see this, but I sure hope to ‘heaven’ that he gets it before the children are grown and gone. Give me a living room with my kids over outside volunteer work anytime. My 2 eldest are in their 20s now, and as much time that I spent at home with them (a lot), I wish it could have been more. Will pray for you.

 

[7armyrugrats]

I completely understand how you feel. I am the mother of 7 (so far) and my husband is deployed (again) to Iraq. We have been married for 17 years and have spent less than half of our marriage together. This is not uncommon to military families, and probably why so many end up divorcing. This latest deployment has really taken it’s toll on me and the kids and we also are feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, my husband is as well. He missed our oldest child’s confirmation, but thankfully got to take his 2 week R&R for #3’s first communion. During R&R it was also our anniversary, and it hit my husband really hard because it was the first time we have EVER been together for our anniversary. We didn’t know what to do, so we took the kids to the chinese buffet just outside post for dinner. Then we watched The Notebook, or part of it because I always fall asleep watching movies, or anytime I sit down for longer than 15 minutes–doctor offices, dentist chair, high school band concerts, Mass…

Any way, he is career military, not by choice but by neccesity. With 7 children and his current rank, we are making a decent, not great, living right now. Out side of the army he would never be able to support us. Neither of us has much college education and only qualify for factory jobs at best. We actually left factory jobs and the Army Reserves for active duty because we could no longer afford to support our children. Now we are very glad we did. Our factory has been closed. And I am finally able to be a hosewife like I prayed to be for so long. And yes, usually I am so happy, but there are days that honestly, I wish that this is one prayer that God had said no to.

I do not want sympathy for the life I live. It is difficult at times but I am so proud of my husband. Not because he is a soldier, that is just his job. It is no different than being a business man or a doctor. I am proud because he not only supports his family but KNOWS his children. He can tell you more about his kids than most fathers that are home every night with their children. He makes DVD’s of himself (thanks in part to the USO) reading bed time stories to the kids, and then sends the DVD and book home for them to keep. He sends emails, pictures, letters, gifts and calls as often as possible. Many times he skips a meal or stays up late or gets up early just to make the time to call. He draws pictures for the kids to color and then mail back to him, and the kids draw pictures for him to color and mail back to them. Every phone call or email I get revolves around the kids–what do they like now, who are their friends, are they adjusting to the deployment, how are their grades, etc. I wish every child could have a father as caring and interested as he is. I think this world would be a much better place if that could happen.

As a husband he tries, but due to the size of our family and his career, I am often the neglected one. I try not to let it get me down, but it does. I’ve thought about leaving him more than once or twice, but I quickly decided that was not ever going ot happen. How could I leave a man simply because he was never home? Would that make him be home more often? No, he would not be home ever again! And how would I explain to the kids that I love their father, he was always faithful, loving and respectful, he has always been a terrific father to them and never drank or was gone for unneccesary things, but I had to leave because he was gone too much serving our country? I really have nothing to complain about. I know so many people who’s spouses are home every night, but they are abusive, or alcoholics, or unfaithful, or uninvolved/uninterested, and mine is none of those things. He’s simply just gone due to military obligations.

I have the “perfect Catholic husband” in so many ways. He is very involved with our children’s faith formation. We have 3 altar servers and one asking to serve next year as soon as she makes her 1st communion. I know many parishes start servers in 5ht grade, but here it is as soon as they receive communion. I should really count my blessings instead of being so selfish, but I often wonder when it is going to be my turn? He knows his kids, but does he know me any more? I sometimes wonder if he WANTS to know me any more, but I know he really doesn’t mean to neglect me. He talks about what we will do when we grow old and no longer have little ones to care for, all the things he wants to do with me by his side. I am just tired of being patient and waiting in line for my turn. Am I evil for feeling this way? I don’t know, but it is really nice to see I am not the only one who does sometimes. We are truely blessed and God has this all figured out for us

 

[Perceptive]

Do not feel that you whine, whine, whine too much. You may need peers to lift you up and support you at this important time in your life. You may need to consider what you can take on while you are pregnant. Some women can do more than others. Some may even feel they have more strength than usual while others feel the need for more rest. Nevertheless, it is common and partly natural for a husband to dominate in certain areas of family life. You just want to make sure he isn’t the one dominating all the fun activities. Activities that permit you to have fellowship with friends and community that might bring you a sense of ‘connection’ with others. Moms also need to feel a sense of belonging but you need to be aware of the proper timing in the needs of your children. They come first. Do not feel as though your complaints are too insignificant to warrant introspection and compassion from others. Devout women do not want to be stereotyped as the ‘nagging wife’ but oftentimes we need eachother to lift one another up.