This could be a long post so I’ll keep it as succinct as possible
Born and raised devout Catholic.
Asked god for help during a terrible period of my life, and things after that got significantly worse.
Felt abandoned, so I delved into Catholicism: mass, adoration, retreats, rosaries, to get closer to my faith and heal.
Took a class on Asian Mythology. Was surprised at the complexity of it, and how there were unique, creative stories ‘explaining’ many parts of life. Was fascinated by the psychology of religion, and how and why religion spread, which I never really thought about till then. And these creation myths and the religion was believed! I realized that if I was critically looking at other faiths, I needed to critically look at my own; that to be a strong Catholic, I needed to be absolutely sure of what I was placing my trust in, and that if someone asked me, I needed to have a good answer to this conundrum. Besides, the likelihood of being born into the “correct” religion was not large, so to be a good Catholic, I needed to get rid of these concerns. Continued with research, Bible readings, and talking with others.
Realized I had significant qualms about major tenants of the faith, most glaring was that I strongly disagreed that faith should play such a large factor for gaining salvation. It made no sense to me. It repulsed me that good people could be sent to Hell simply because of lack of faculty for belief for something as similar as choosing a wrong answer on a vague test question.
I found that with my understanding of science, I could not read stories of the OT such as Noah, or Adam/Eve, and believe it actually happened. Other parts of the OT did not make sense to me, when considering God as omnimax, such as that God got angry – why would God get angry, or change his mind, when he knew what was going to happen? Why did god have to intervene so much, when God should have been able to make a perfectly self sustaining population? Why would a perfect God resort to stooping to such primitive, violent measures to get things done, which invoked massive suffering (I don’t accept the retort that that was the only way the people would understand)? I realized I had to look at a major part of the Bible as being allegory/cultural/linguistic/etc in order for it to make any sense. Then wondered that if I was taking a majority of the Bible as allegory, what was stopping the whole thing from being just a story? Other issues started to crop up such as the issue of omnipotence/free will. Visited a couple of boards of other religions, and the people of those faiths each had their reasons about why they were the correct religion – these were very devout people. Comparative religion is pretty interesting stuff. Started to see Catholicism as just as valid as Asian Mythology.
Got scared with that thought and tried to force myself back to full belief. Did more retreats, praying, adoration, reading, having others pray for me, etc. Would lie awake at night crying to God, hearing nothing.
Started reading both “sides” of debates, instead of just the Catholic side, to see if I could enhance my faith by seeing non-rational counters to Catholicism. Found that the atheist/agnostic side actually made a lot more sense to me.
Finally came to the understanding that faith is not an option, that I can not force myself into it. Also resigned myself to the fact that I could not continue to call myself Catholic, as that would be a lie.
A friend said it so simply to me, that I had problems with religion, not with god. This clarified things for me a great deal, and now, after over a decade of a crisis of faith, I consider myself agnostic. I do all I can to be a good and loving person… I grow further away from Catholicism with each passing day.