Calling the kelttle black?

[lauraella]

hi all…i am having some trouble in my marriage lately…and i feel it is my fault.
Before i was married i lived a crazy life and a sinful one…i was an exotic dancer and i was “fun” (what my husbadn says)
now i have had a child and i have changed my life…completely…i started to follow my faith more and i really am happy i changed my life. HOWEVER, my husband is not so happy. There is a bar function with porn stars coming up and i dont want him going…at all…i feel it is direspectful and not what i am about or into.He does not seem to understand how much i have changed. I feel that he should not be going…period!!!
And the other day i saw on his computer swinger club web sites for couples… im not sure how to handle this situation because when ever i try he responds with “ow boring i have become and that im not fun anymore and just because i am a mom does not me i have to be a saint…”
what can i do…it has been over a year and a half…its not like this change has just happened…im so so so so confused…do i let him go …and just ignore it…???

.

 

[LSK]

would he be open to going to therapy?

 

[nova147]

Praise God that you have found your way back to the faith! I pray that you continue to find strength in the Lord.

Parenthood changes many people, but it is often difficult for those close to us to accept those changes. It sounds as though you have gone through a dramatic transformation in the past year or two and your husband is understandably having trouble accepting that change. My first suggestion is prayer - pray that his heart be softened so that he can love and respect you as you are now. Second, arrange a time for the two of you to really talk. Get a babysitter and go somewhere where you won’t be interrupted. Make sure he knows ahead of time that this isn’t supposed to be a date - this is a time for the two of you to discuss an important part of your marriage. Then be as open and honest as you can about your faith, how it affects your thinking on certain issues, and how important it is to you that he respects the changes you have made.

This may be a situation that requires some help from a good therapist. I encourage you to find a therapist who at the least respects religion, better still if they are Catholic. But I think it is important that you make an effort to throughly dicuss this first (if you haven’t already). Men are notorious for not liking the idea of therapy anyway, but may be more open to it if you have tried to talk it out first.

I will pray for you and your family.

MJ

 

[kage_ar]

Remember, practicing Catholics can be FUN, in fact, I am usually the life of the party

Sometimes when we have had a “colorful” past, it is easy to go overboard the other way. You do not have to go hang out with porn stars to have fun of course.

Make popcorn and watch movies. Get a sitter and go to the theatre.

You can put the baby to bed early, make a romantic dinner, open a bottle of wine, put on some great music and dance together in the living room on a Tuesday evening.

You can invite some couples from the Parish over to watch the game - make chili and nachos…

Go for long drives, explore your town together Sunday.

Be fun again - when you leave Mass make it a point to be shining from ear to ear -

Prayers for you!!

 

[sevenmansions]

Now that you have tasted how sweet is life lived in faith, I trust you won’t turn back. God is good (see my signature)!
I have to agree with nova147’s very sound advice. Pray, pray, pray! Try reciting a Chaplet of Divine Mercy once a day for your husband (EWTN.org offers a great explanation of what it is and how to do it) or say a rosary for him-or do both! Prayer is by far the most important action to take. I also agree that you should openly and honestly communicate with him and share with him why you’ve changed and the effect it’s had on you. He may not understand it, but he should at least respect your sincerity (it might even get him to thinking…).
If it’s any consolation, I was a very different person when I married my husband. By the grace of God I had an epiphany (sounds dramatic, I know, but it really was very abrupt) after we’d been married for almost a year and a half and our daughter was nine months old. At first, my secular-minded, European university-educated husband was downright hostile. He berated me and complained that I was becoming a “fanatic”. I was sad and lonely and angry (and sometimes I let my temper take over as my self-defense). But most of all, I wanted for him what I’d finally accepted for myself. I wanted him to “have life and have it to the fullest” and I wanted our children to grow up in a home that helped lead them toward that life. I felt that he was cheating himself and it worried me a great deal (I don’t do that anymore-worry, I mean-about un-believing loved ones. I pray, try to set a good example, talk to them about matters of faith when the opportunity presents itself, and I leave the rest to God).
Anyway (after not too long), something started to change in my husband. He began attending church with me (back then, I had not yet reverted to the Catholic Church of my childhood and was attending an Episcopalian church-my husband was also raised Catholic and we were married in the Church, though it was more of a visceral thing for me and he basically conceded to keep me and the relatives happy) and when I went out of town for work, he’d go on his own, taking our daughter. He began going into the (Catholic) churches around the center of our town and reflecting and praying. He came to accept (or appreciate) my walk in faith and agreed that it was important for our children (we now have two with another due in May). About two years ago, we joined a local Catholic parish and started attending mass on Sundays. He was glad when we went back to the RCC-had the nerve to breathe a sigh of relief (lol)!!! Lately, he’s been bringing fish home to eat on Fridays, something his very Catholic grandmother used to do when he was a boy-I, guess he associates that with a more devout life (in the past year, he’s looked on, fascinated, as I fasted on bread and water on Fridays-it must have rubbed off a bit).
He still struggles with some of the Church’s teaching and doesn’t seem to be sure how “devout” he should be, but he’s come a long way. When I think about the polemics and the disdain he had toward my beliefs at the beginning, I can only thank the Lord! And I really believe that my husban’s journey will continue. You, too, will see that all things are possible through God. So, pray and don’t despair! Jesus and the the Blessed Mother love your family!!!

 

[dammo14]

My dear, the first thing you need to do, is give your husband to God. He is the only one who can speak to his heart. I will pray for you, remember you need to stay strong and faithful.

Lord Jesus, I ask that you bless this husband and wife. They are having a rough time right now. Lord, you have brought this man and woman together, and they need you to bring them back together. You said that when a man and woman marry, they are no longer two people, but ONE. Give Laura the strength and love to show her husband that together they are one, and should share that mindset. Lord Jesus, on behalf of Laura, I give her husband to you. There is no greater counsellor than you, Lord. I ask that you whisper to her husband as he sleeps and touch his heart, and let him realize that he has a wonderful wife, who only wants the very best for her husband. Lord Jesus, bring them back together as ONE. Lord, give Laura the strength to endure this trying time. Give her the compassion and love she needs. Let her husband see you in his wife. Let him know that his wife is there for him. Bless their home, cover it with your Precious Blood and I bind anything that is not of you Jesus from entering their home. Surround them with your angels. Bring the Peace and Harmony back into their lives. I ask that you bless and keep the child safe and let her know that she is loved so much by her parents. Let her husband look at her with a renewed love and hope. Thank you Jesus for keeping them in your Loving Care. Praise you Jesus, AMEN AND AMEN. God Bless you.
DeeDee

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Sounds like it is time for your husband to step out of the “fantasy” world and into the real world. As you know the pornography world is a fake, fantasy world full of lies and deception. Time for him to step up, be a man, a husband and a father in his family.

 

[LittleRose]

Sounds like it is time for your husband to step out of the “fantasy” world and into the real world. As you know the pornography world is a fake, fantasy world full of lies and deception. Time for him to step up, be a man, a husband and a father in his family.

Yep. It’s not your fault. You are discovering what marriage really ought to be, while your husband’s head is still stuck in our pornified secular culture that objectifies women and treats them as little more than toys for the amusement of men. It’s terrible that women have to compete with these unrealistic images that are thrown at men, some of whom start to think that life should be just like what they see in these false images.

Virtue isn’t boring. It’s beautiful.

He may need time to learn to see this.

It may help you to talk to a priest about this. Spiritual direction can be helpful when dealing with problems like this.

Just remember that you are not the problem here!

 

[LittleRose]

\im so so so so confused…do i let him go …and just ignore it…???

.

This stuff is serious sin, not to mention a violation of your marriage vows. He made a vow to be faithful to you. All of this business of going to porn events and looking into swinger’s clubs is not being faithful. It’s ok to make your disapproval clear when he is doing something that is objectively wrong and also damaging to your marriage. This kind of behavior is damaging to him too, though he may not understand that.

Remember, he is going to be the first example of manhood your child sees.

 

[Spirithound]

hi all…i am having some trouble in my marriage lately…
Before i was married i lived a crazy life and a sinful one…i was “fun” (what my husbadn says)
now i have had a child and i have changed my life…completely…i started to follow my faith more and i really am happy i changed my life. HOWEVER, my husband is not so happy. There is a bar function with porn stars coming up and i dont want him going…at all…i feel it is direspectful and not what i am about or into.He does not seem to understand how much i have changed. I feel that he should not be going…period!!!
im not sure how to handle this situation because when ever i try he responds with “ow boring i have become and that im not fun anymore and just because i am a mom does not me i have to be a saint…”
what can i do…it has been over a year and a half…its not like this change has just happened…im so so so so confused…do i let him go …and just ignore it…???

Hi Laura,
First, Welcome Home! My advice is simple: pray for your husband!
It’s going to be very difficult. The sexual addictions are the hardest to break, especially when the addict doesn’t want to give it up, because they’re the most “fun”, as your husband is well aware. You need to persevere and continually show him that you are serious about God; your reputation will be a hard one to shake. But stay strong, go to church every week, participate in the sacraments, read the Bible, and your seed will not be the one that falls in the shallow soil with no root.
You can’t actually prevent him from living that kind of life, but you can serve as a Christ-like example for him.
You don’t “have” to be a saint, but God IS calling you to be a Saint. You are in my prayers.
Spirithound

 

[lauraella]

Hi Laura,
your reputation will be a hard one to shake. But stay strong, Spirithound

no worries there…i have cut off all ties with any one i was “friends” with or had contact with while in that stage of my life…
but i do know what you mean…only too well… i keep thinking of Mary Magdalene and how easily she was forgiven…

Thank you all for your prayers and advice and thoughts!! Its great to have this forum where i can ask and get some GREAT answers!!!