Calling to childfree married life?

[anilorak13ska]

My DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years. 4 years ago, we were diagnosed with severe male factor infertility. We spent the next 3.5 years trying to adopt, with 4 bmoms changing their minds, our foster daughter being reunited with mom after 10 months, and losing our funding one year into our international adoption process. We also inquired about many (~50?) older waiting kids in US foster care to no avail. It started to look like the Lord was leading us away from adoption. Perhaps His purpose of putting that desire on our hart was attained when we fostered our little VV. Last year, He brought us to a place of considering something we’ve never considered before - embryo adoption, which a priest friend of mine supports. We adopted 4 embryos, and suffered an early miscarriage with the first two in December. As we began to prepare to transfer the other two embryos, the door on adoption was definitively shut. (Of course, we’ve already made a commitment to these two embryos, and will transfer them as soon as we are able to, but if they follow in their siblings’ footsteps and go straight to heaven, then what?)

A few months ago, false accusations were made against DH, but we assumed that the law was on the side of the innocent. As it turns out, it is not, and Child Protective Services decided solely on the say-so of the accusing child (a relative of ours) that the case was “founded”. They did not proceed to press charges (clearly they also have doubts), but the damage is done. With a founded allegation like this, we will never pass another homestudy.

So between all our previous fall-throughs and now this, and our miscarriage, I’m starting to discern if God may be calling us to a childfree married life. Is this even a possibility in the context of Catholic married life? I always assumed that if we are called to married life, we are de facto called to family life. I’m not sure how to proceed.

Where can I find resources for this sort of lifestyle/calling? In high school, I considered the religious life, but my family was not supportive, and I wasn’t skilled enough to complete the discernment process. I sort of ended up married, although after several years of courtship and engagement. Only recently have I started to actively discern which way God wants me to go.

I know He doesn’t want me to leave my marriage and join a convent. That I know! So how do I reconcile being married and childfree? Dh seems to be OK either way, and I’m trying to as well, but I have my doubts. I still feel as though we should continue to try to find a way to have a family. We’re not doing it “at all costs” - we’re trying to do the right thing in the process.

Are there any resources anyone could direct me to for childfree married couples? What is one’s identity and mission in that context? How is it different from a calling to the single laity life? Or is it not different? If no, then what exactly does that (single laity) entail?

Thanks for any help on this discernment.

 

[Castello]

The term “childfree” can be misleading in Catholic circles. It is associated with those who reject children.

You, on the other hand, carry the cross of infertility. Find ways to devote yourselves to acts of service and mercy to the Church. Your parish family needs you

 

[EasterJoy]

A few months ago, false accusations were made against DH, but we assumed that the law was on the side of the innocent. As it turns out, it is not, and Child Protective Services decided solely on the say-so of the accusing child (a relative of ours) that the case was “founded”. They did not proceed to press charges (clearly they also have doubts), but the damage is done. With a founded allegation like this, we will never pass another homestudy.

Having this false accusation as a permanent part of your DH’s record would concern me greatly. Ask a family law attorney about this, and make certain that you are correct about this being an unerasable mark against him.

Let us say that it is, or that for whatever reason you are resigned that in spite of your best efforts, your home will always remain childless. Were I in your shoes, I think I would ask myself if I’ve grieved the loss of the children I so wanted to mother. Just as parents go through a grieving process when their child dies, I think there is a grieving process when would-be parents come to terms with the likelihood of childlessness. You loved the children you wanted so much that you sought them with all your might, for years and years and years. Those are children loved and lost, just as surely as if they had lived with you for all those years, and therefore children that whose loss you will grieve.

Once I felt I had come to accept the loss in realizing that our childlessness was probably inevitable (it is true that you just never know), then I would ask “OK, where now? What do you want us to do, Lord?” For just as St. Paul pointed out that marriage provides a distraction from serving the Lord compared to being single, so children consume the love and time and effort of Catholic couples with generous hearts and lots of love and time and effort to give. I mean to say that if you were not given the gift of children, the gift of your joined life and generous hearts still has its destiny. God has a plan for you and your marriage.

 

[1ke]

Last year, He brought us to a place of considering something we’ve never considered before - embryo adoption, which a priest friend of mine supports.

The Church does not approve embryo adoption. See Dignitas Personae. I’m sorry your priest led you in that direction.

So between all our previous fall-throughs and now this, and our miscarriage, I’m starting to discern if God may be calling us to a childfree married life.

Childfree is a derogatory term used by anti-life individuals. I wouldn’t use that term.

What you are called to is to embrace the cross of intertility and that the result may be that you do not have children, natural or adopted. Married couples are not “called” to be “childfree” but may end up not having children for a variety of reasons.

From the Catechism:

2374 Couples who discover that they are sterile suffer greatly. “What will you give me,” asks Abraham of God, "for I continue childless?"163 and Rachel cries to her husband Jacob, “Give me children, or I shall die!”

2379 The Gospel shows that physical sterility is not an absolute evil. Spouses who still suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord’s Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity. They can give expression to their generosity by adopting abandoned children or performing demanding services for others.

(emphasis mine). You may be called to another form of service.

Is this even a possibility in the context of Catholic married life? I always assumed that if we are called to married life, we are de facto called to family life. I’m not sure how to proceed.

No. Childfree is not a term the Church would ever use.

It is possible that in not having children you can serve God and the community in other ways.

Where can I find resources for this sort of lifestyle/calling?

It’s not a calling. However, you might be called to service for which you are particularly suited and due to your childless situation you may have the time and resources to undertake.

I know He doesn’t want me to leave my marriage and join a convent. That I know! So how do I reconcile being married and childfree?

I think it would help if you stopped referring to yourself as childfree.

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

My DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years. 4 years ago, we were diagnosed with severe male factor infertility. We spent the next 3.5 years trying to adopt, with 4 bmoms changing their minds, our foster daughter being reunited with mom after 10 months, and losing our funding one year into our international adoption process. We also inquired about many (~50?) older waiting kids in US foster care to no avail. It started to look like the Lord was leading us away from adoption. Perhaps His purpose of putting that desire on our hart was attained when we fostered our little VV. Last year, He brought us to a place of considering something we’ve never considered before - embryo adoption, which a priest friend of mine supports. We adopted 4 embryos, and suffered an early miscarriage with the first two in December. As we began to prepare to transfer the other two embryos, the door on adoption was definitively shut. (Of course, we’ve already made a commitment to these two embryos, and will transfer them as soon as we are able to, but if they follow in their siblings’ footsteps and go straight to heaven, then what?)

A few months ago, false accusations were made against DH, but we assumed that the law was on the side of the innocent. As it turns out, it is not, and Child Protective Services decided solely on the say-so of the accusing child (a relative of ours) that the case was “founded”. They did not proceed to press charges (clearly they also have doubts), but the damage is done. With a founded allegation like this, we will never pass another homestudy.

So between all our previous fall-throughs and now this, and our miscarriage, I’m starting to discern if God may be calling us to a childfree married life. Is this even a possibility in the context of Catholic married life? I always assumed that if we are called to married life, we are de facto called to family life. I’m not sure how to proceed.

Where can I find resources for this sort of lifestyle/calling? In high school, I considered the religious life, but my family was not supportive, and I wasn’t skilled enough to complete the discernment process. I sort of ended up married, although after several years of courtship and engagement. Only recently have I started to actively discern which way God wants me to go.

I know He doesn’t want me to leave my marriage and join a convent. That I know! So how do I reconcile being married and childfree? Dh seems to be OK either way, and I’m trying to as well, but I have my doubts. I still feel as though we should continue to try to find a way to have a family. We’re not doing it “at all costs” - we’re trying to do the right thing in the process.

Are there any resources anyone could direct me to for childfree married couples? What is one’s identity and mission in that context? How is it different from a calling to the single laity life? Or is it not different? If no, then what exactly does that (single laity) entail?

Thanks for any help on this discernment.

My kids are gone to University and working.
I am going to retire soon. I dedicate my time creating Projects what are needed in society. I have created already 4 Projects.
But another work of mine is to help girls in foster care (do you call that?). They are girls who have no family or have a dysfunctional family and they need a father figure, so I go there and help them.
I offered myself to a similar House for boys but they did not call me.
I offered myself to go to prison, but there was not need for it.

 

[robwar]

I am very sorry about your situation. My husband and I weren’t able to have children on our own but we did end up adopting internationally. That is an option if the domestic doesn’t work out. we have 3 children now. Hopefully you can go to a lawyer to correct your husband’s record since charges were not filed. In the 2 countries we went to they needed a local police clearance in order to adopt. I don’t think you should give up if you desire children. There are example of Catholic couples that did devote themselves to the church in working even though they did not have children. Theresa Tomeo of Ave Maria Radio is a good example.
Her husband Dominic and herself have no children yet they have dedicated to serving the Church. They live out their calling in serving the Church. I am sure you and your husband have a special calling too. Again don’t give up and look at international adoption, that might be the option for you. After adopting 3 internationally, I think it even a bigger miracle than domestic and was worth all the work!
I will keep you in my prayers!

 

[Musician]

If you are feeling that call, it is probably from God…it seems as though you have tried everything else for a family, with heartbreaking results. While we are called to be open to life, that certainly doesn’t mean that everyone will be a biological parent.
Perhaps God has something else in mind for you. Since you and your DH are without children, you could perhaps take up a ministry that you feel called to do.
I will pray for you.

 

[SonCatcher]

The Church does not approve embryo adoption. See Dignitas Personae. I’m sorry your priest led you in that direction.

I had not previously known there was a definite statement on adopting embryos otherwise would be destroyed. However, there it is:

The proposal that these embryos could be put at the disposal of infertile couples as a treatment for infertility is not ethically acceptable for the same reasons which make artificial heterologous procreation illicit as well as any form of surrogate motherhood; this practice would also lead to other problems of a medical, psychological and legal nature.

It has also been proposed, solely in order to allow human beings to be born who are otherwise condemned to destruction, that there could be a form of “prenatal adoption”. This proposal, praiseworthy with regard to the intention of respecting and defending human life, presents however various problems not dissimilar to those mentioned above.

All things considered, it needs to be recognized that the thousands of abandoned embryos represent a situation of injustice which in fact cannot be resolved. Therefore John Paul II made an “appeal to the conscience of the world’s scientific authorities and in particular to doctors, that the production of human embryos be halted, taking into account that there seems to be no morally licit solution regarding the human destiny of the thousands and thousands of ‘frozen’ embryos which are and remain the subjects of essential rights and should therefore be protected by law as human persons”.

 

[Elisabeth51]

You haven’t rejected having children…and there are couples that simply cannot have kids. My sister did not marry until she was 50—unless a miracle happens to reverse the “change of life” she’s not going to have kids at now age 58, they have been open to kids, but also have used their state to serve in the church, help those in need, they’ve been “parents” to the youth and kids in their neighbourhood that don’t have good parents as far as advice and getting them to church goes. There was a couple in the church I grew up in, they were never able to have kids, but they totally gave their lives to loving service in the church.

As a single woman, I have the feeling sometimes that I’m considered “less” because I don’t have kids (then help me get mr. right???) or I’m not married, I think it’s just my perception at times though. It is hard though to go to church and see families with kids and not be a part of that—so I can understand your feelings, really!

So, yes, I think God can definitely use people that are married but don’t have children in a very special way.

 

[agapewolf]

I need to chime in here about the church’s stance on embryo adoption.

Last year I attended the week long class “Catholic sexual ethics” at the Theology of the Body Institute. We studied in depth on embryo adoption, using the quoted document here.

The answer completely surprised me so I can guarantee that I paid close attention to what was being said, and did not get this wrong, I promise:

This is the conclusion given by the President of the National Catholic Biotheics Center, Dr. John Haas during the class:

Even after diving into the exact wording this document gives, so far, the church is still examining the issue, it is NOT outright forbidden, yet. The quoted paragraphs do NOT make a definitive statement. It may appear as such, but when discussing the nuances of the wording and examining the motivations of couples, it is still not definite. This however, does not give cart blanche permission for couples to pursue this route either.

This surprised me. Dr. Haas also was leaning towards the side that it the church will eventually define it as something that can’t be done. This, along with gamete intrafallopian transfer are 2 items that still are “in the works” by the church.

This discussion took quite a bit of time isolating each action associated with the different processes…I cannot possibly explain the nuances and the difference, so please don’t argue…if you doubt me, call the center.

Just wanted to make that correction.

 

[manualman]

I have little practical help to offer (besides the obvious sympathy and my prayers).

But I do want to second the observation that in modern culture, the word “childfree” is one used by the culture of death crowd who take the philosophical position that each new human being created is an additional burden on the earth and a cause of further pollution. To these people, procreation is something deliberately to avoid. Those who engage in it are to be pitied and/or scorned.

It’s a term carefully crafted to make it sound like a positive condition. Perhaps it has some appeal to select a word that doesn’t remind you of your grief and frustration, but be aware that most people in the larger culture using the word, aren’t doing so for that reason. Even if it sounds more depressing, I recommend ‘childless’ as an alternative term.

 

[tafan]

I need to chime in here about the church’s stance on embryo adoption.

Last year I attended the week long class “Catholic sexual ethics” at the Theology of the Body Institute. We studied in depth on embryo adoption, using the quoted document here.

The answer completely surprised me so I can guarantee that I paid close attention to what was being said, and did not get this wrong, I promise:

This is the conclusion given by the President of the National Catholic Biotheics Center, Dr. John Haas during the class:

Even after diving into the exact wording this document gives, so far, the church is still examining the issue, it is NOT outright forbidden, yet. The quoted paragraphs do NOT make a definitive statement. It may appear as such, but when discussing the nuances of the wording and examining the motivations of couples, it is still not definite. This however, does not give cart blanche permission for couples to pursue this route either.

This surprised me. Dr. Haas also was leaning towards the side that it the church will eventually define it as something that can’t be done. This, along with gamete intrafallopian transfer are 2 items that still are “in the works” by the church.

This discussion took quite a bit of time isolating each action associated with the different processes…I cannot possibly explain the nuances and the difference, so please don’t argue…if you doubt me, call the center.

Just wanted to make that correction.

Thank you, this is also my understanding; the issue is still being debated by moral theologians in the Church .

 

[plinko]

I had not previously known there was a definite statement on adopting embryos otherwise would be destroyed. However, there it is:

The proposal that these embryos could be put at the disposal of infertile couples as a treatment for infertility is not ethically acceptable for the same reasons which make artificial heterologous procreation illicit as well as any form of surrogate motherhood; this practice would also lead to other problems of a medical, psychological and legal nature.

It has also been proposed, solely in order to allow human beings to be born who are otherwise condemned to destruction, that there could be a form of “prenatal adoption”. This proposal, praiseworthy with regard to the intention of respecting and defending human life, presents however various problems not dissimilar to those mentioned above.

All things considered, it needs to be recognized that the thousands of abandoned embryos represent a situation of injustice which in fact cannot be resolved. Therefore John Paul II made an “appeal to the conscience of the world’s scientific authorities and in particular to doctors, that the production of human embryos be halted, taking into account that there seems to be no morally licit solution regarding the human destiny of the thousands and thousands of ‘frozen’ embryos which are and remain the subjects of essential rights and should therefore be protected by law as human persons”.

I don’t find that to be a definitive statement though. “Not dissimilar”? If we take out the double negative, we’re left with “similar”. While it is a *similar *situation, it’s not the same. That paragraph up there reads like one big shrug to me, like they’re saying “I don’t know what to do about this”.

Not everyone is against your prenatal adoption, OP.

 

[mamaslo]

If you are feeling that call, it is probably from God…it seems as though you have tried everything else for a family, with heartbreaking results. While we are called to be open to life, that certainly doesn’t mean that everyone will be a biological parent.
Perhaps God has something else in mind for you. Since you and your DH are without children, you could perhaps take up a ministry that you feel called to do.
I will pray for you.

This brings up the earlier suggestion to try to get your husband’s name cleared. Ministries fingerprint and that research would bring up the claim that he did something.

 

[PaulGH]

I am very sorry to hear about your problems with fertility and with adoption. It must be heartbreaking to be ready to be a parent, and not to receive the blessing of a child.

But I have a suggestion of something that perhaps you might be called to. First, some background:

Several years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our second child, and our first child was about a year and a half old, we began a very difficult couple of years. My wife was very sick during the pregnancy, and then after the baby was born, she was very stressed and frazzled from being a new mom staying at home all day with a newborn and a two-year-old. I too was very stressed.

The situation wouldn’t have been so bad if my parents or my wife’s parents had been nearby, but at the time, we were living far from any of our extended family. Our parish wasn’t much help either, as it was a very large parish, and we didn’t know very many people there. Essentially, we felt that we had no support at all. I remember praying fervently to God, begging him to send someone into our lives to help us, as we got to the point where we felt that we were at our wits’ end with the hard work of parenting two small children.

Sure, we could have hired a babysitter from time to time, and we actually did that during the pregnancy, as my wife had a month or longer when she was so sick that she could barely get out of bed for half the day. But babysitting costs add up, and there is only so much a babysitter can do with a nursing baby.

(In retrospect, it is hard to understand what was so difficult about caring for two kids, but at the time we had little experience as parents, and we were extremely stressed trying to keep up with caring for the kids, working, doing housework, etc.)

So here is my idea:

I am thinking that somewhere near you, there is probably a married couple in a situation similar to our situation from a few years ago. Maybe you can find that couple (possibly through your parish), and become an “angel” to them for a little while. You can offer to bring meals to them from time to time, watch their kids from time to time, or whatever they need in order to give them a break now and then, to help restore their sanity. Of course you should be careful to make sure that they aren’t taking advantage of your generosity, but if you can find a couple in that type of situation, you might literally be an answer to their prayers.

I don’t know if this is what you are called to do or not, but it is something that you might consider and pray about.

 

[UnlikelyHomeDad]

The term “childfree” can be misleading in Catholic circles. It is associated with those who reject children.

You, on the other hand, carry the cross of infertility. Find ways to devote yourselves to acts of service and mercy to the Church. Your parish family needs you

lI agree. If you can’t adopt then volunteer to teach CCD. Heaven knows we could use good catechists. Get involved with Special Olympics. There’s another good work.

My heart goes out to you. I once dealt with the reality that my wife would only have the one child nearly 7 years older than his next sibling and 10 years older than the youngest. But in the end, her Protestant faith conscience aloud her to sterilize without my approval.

 

[anilorak13ska]

Thank you to those of you who offered suggestions and prayers.

To others, I have to say that telling me in one breath that there’s no such thing as a calling to living without children in the context of marriage (is that better than “childfree”?) but at the same time telling me that the option I feel led to is also no good is not helpful.

Someone did pick up on the reason I choose the term “childfree”. I do not intend to go through the rest of my life using a term that reminds me of my childlessness. It’s bad enough to have to live it. There is a different term for the people some of you alluded to: “childfree by choice”. I do not add the “by choice”, therefore it’s simply an assumption you make based on the fact I’m not using terms that would bring me down. That’s like telling a person who hasn’t found their mate that they should use the term “unmarried” instead of “single”, bc “single” has a connotation meaning a desire for independence or something. But I don’t care to get into a debate on that, bc that’s not why I posted.

As for the embryo adoption, I’m glad someone who discerns what they hear and doesn’t just repeat it chimed in. I did my research before pursuing this route, and no where did I find a clear “no”. There’s definitely arguments on both sides, but I have to live with my conscience. To say that’s too bad there’s all these embryos in suspended animation, but our hands are tied is like prohibiting people from adopting children who were conceived as a result from rape. We don’t condone rape, it’s a horrible crime. Therefore, we want nothing to do with the children that result from it. Too bad people get raped, but there’s nothing we can do to help those children. I’m glad my conscience is more discerning than that.

In all honesty, I think the answer that I got from the responses as a whole is “no, you cannot be called to being married but not having children”. And if that’s the case, this leads me to believe that I should continue to pursue what I’ve already discerned and continue to discern as legitimate ways to become a mother.

Thank you for chiming in. I think I got the answer I was looking for.

 

[Leegal]

I would see an attorney on this – but I suggest a criminal defense attorney on ways to get the record of CPS and any other law enforcement involvement expunged.

We have done this in other cases, but a criminal defense attorney is the way to go. Though you husband was not charged, a criminal defense attorney can negotiate the system better. I would not just assume that nothing can be done about this being on your husband’s record. This is imperative.

I’m sorry to hear about your trials and will pray for you. Stay active in your parish and I pray that you find peace. God Bless.

 

[Luvz2travel]

My DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years. 4 years ago, we were diagnosed with severe male factor infertility. We spent the next 3.5 years trying to adopt, with 4 bmoms changing their minds, our foster daughter being reunited with mom after 10 months, and losing our funding one year into our international adoption process. We also inquired about many (~50?) older waiting kids in US foster care to no avail. It started to look like the Lord was leading us away from adoption. Perhaps His purpose of putting that desire on our hart was attained when we fostered our little VV. Last year, He brought us to a place of considering something we’ve never considered before - embryo adoption, which a priest friend of mine supports. We adopted 4 embryos, and suffered an early miscarriage with the first two in December. As we began to prepare to transfer the other two embryos, the door on adoption was definitively shut. (Of course, we’ve already made a commitment to these two embryos, and will transfer them as soon as we are able to, but if they follow in their siblings’ footsteps and go straight to heaven, then what?)

A few months ago, false accusations were made against DH, but we assumed that the law was on the side of the innocent. As it turns out, it is not, and Child Protective Services decided solely on the say-so of the accusing child (a relative of ours) that the case was “founded”. They did not proceed to press charges (clearly they also have doubts), but the damage is done. With a founded allegation like this, we will never pass another homestudy.

So between all our previous fall-throughs and now this, and our miscarriage, I’m starting to discern if God may be calling us to a childfree married life. Is this even a possibility in the context of Catholic married life? I always assumed that if we are called to married life, we are de facto called to family life. I’m not sure how to proceed.

Where can I find resources for this sort of lifestyle/calling? In high school, I considered the religious life, but my family was not supportive, and I wasn’t skilled enough to complete the discernment process. I sort of ended up married, although after several years of courtship and engagement. Only recently have I started to actively discern which way God wants me to go.

I know He doesn’t want me to leave my marriage and join a convent. That I know! So how do I reconcile being married and childfree? Dh seems to be OK either way, and I’m trying to as well, but I have my doubts. I still feel as though we should continue to try to find a way to have a family. We’re not doing it “at all costs” - we’re trying to do the right thing in the process.

Are there any resources anyone could direct me to for childfree married couples? What is one’s identity and mission in that context? How is it different from a calling to the single laity life? Or is it not different? If no, then what exactly does that (single laity) entail?

Thanks for any help on this discernment.

Well on the bright side you found a spouse and hopefully a loving marriage on the downside you may not have children. One out of two isn’t bad I’d say. Sometimes we just have to accept what we don’t have control over as much as the world says we do have complete control we don’t really. Believe me I know from personal experience.

 

[anilorak13ska]

Thanks. The charges were almost filed, but they decided to wait on the appeals process, which is ongoing. Yesterday Praise God we found out that the child recanted the story, but that doesn’t mean the authorities will reverse the finding. We shall see.

I wanted to clarify a frustration I had in my previous post. God is said to equip the called, right? So if He calls us to something, He makes a way for us to be able to do it, right? So how can He be calling me to motherhood yet not provide me with a way to become a mother? That doesn’t make any sense.