Can a broken family be fixed?

[sdegutis]

Brother, do not give up hope! Jesus died for you to give you hope, by his resurrection he conquered death! Do you truly believe that God who conquered death can’t conquer whatever problems you have in your life? Trust in Jesus, and his grace, he is merciful and will heal your family sooner or later. Just never give up hope! For nothing is impossible for God.

Jesus died for us so that we may have eternal life, not so that we can have a cushy time in this life. God said nothing about helping us with our worldly problems. So we just have to suffer through this and die every day from the pain of this life, until we’re dead at finally can be in Heaven.

 

[pianistclare]

Never mind. Please just drop it. There’s no hope for us. I don’t mean in the theological sense, because there’s always hope for everyone. But my wife and kids and I are all doomed to have miserable lives in this lifetime. So just drop it.

Well, we can drop it. But you cannot. your vocation is as husband and father.
Get some counseling, see the priest (it’s free) and get the kids in public school.
Make time for yourselves. A date at the state park is a relatively free (they might charge a parking fee) is refreshing for you and your wife.
But you can’t just throw in the towel.
No one has that luxury. Give thanks for your life, your health, your children, your wife. Try to see the joy and you will begin to feel the joy.
Listen, we’re almost broke. My husband and 2 daughters are unemployed. We have no savings. But God is with us, God loves us, and I have enough gratitude for what I do have to not give up on life or the Lord. The Lord is with you. Maybe none of us have the answers, but giving up is definitely not something any good Catholic can condone. You’re depressed now, we can see that. You are in our prayers. I promise. Try one or two of the suggestions, and see how it goes. In the meantime, pray to the Holy Family and to Anna & Joachim, and wait and see what the Lord can do.
Peace.

 

[Xantippe]

Kindly stop suggesting public school. It’s not going to happen, we are 100% certain on this. They may not have the best life in the world, but we won’t put them through public school.

You’ve just described a chaotic home full of squabbling and whining where both parents are exhausted and overwhelmed by the children and mom definitely isn’t up to homeschooling. How much worse could public school be than your home as it is today? If you guys send the big kids to school, you’ll all get a break from each other and a little bit more definition to your day. You’ll be happy to see your kids when they come home, and they’ll be happy to see you.

Don’t homeschool out of fear. Go visit the local school at the beginning of the year–it’s probably quite decent.

I went to public school and it wasn’t an amazing educational experience (33% dropout rate–woohoo!) but it was OK. I had some good teachers, some so-so teachers, and some lousy teachers, but the average was at least a B-. Our oldest did one year of public pre-K in Washington DC. Washington, DC!–that is a city famed for terrible public schools, and yet our daughter’s pre-K was more than adequate. We moved south and we now send ours to private school, but if it had to be public, we could make that work, too.

 

[sdegutis]

This conversation is over.

 

[SuS33]

Everything about the Bible is about God saying he would help us in our worldly problems if we TRUST IN HIM!! If we completely give our will and trust to him, life (even through our daily problems) will be much easier to bare. Didn’t Jesus say "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For MY YOKE IS EASY AND MY BURDEN IS LIGH” Matthew (11:28-30)

And as Saint Catherine of Siena said “The path to heaven lies through heaven, and all the way to heaven is heaven.” Because HE IS THE WAY TO HEAVEN.

I truly hope things will be made better for you. And for your hope to be restored.

 

[EasterJoy]

This conversation is over.

Thanks for trying. Pardon us if we have said anything that offended you.
We all wish the best for you and hope your family’s future works out well!

We do believe that with the help of God, you can do it!

 

[Jon_S_1]

My wife and I both grew up in very low-class families. We experienced lots of yelling and fighting, we saw bad things, we picked up tons of bad habits, never really learned the right way of doing basically anything.

Then we got together and started a family 10 years ago. Needless to say, there was lots of yelling and fighting, we taught our kids bad habits, we said bad things, we never taught them how to do things properly.

Fast forward 10 years, now we’re Catholic and trying to do everything the proper way. But we have all these bad habits and so do all our children. Every day is still yelling and arguing. The house is never clean, and it’s a struggle to get our kids to do any simple responsibilities. They complain and whine over the smallest thing.

My wife is out of steam at about 9am every day. (We homeschool them, and I work from home in my office.) We haven’t brought this up with anyone else because my wife was brought up that your family problems stay in the family, never let them out.

Is it possible, 10 years into this for our kids, 30 years into this for us, that our bad habits can change, and we can actually get the kids to never misbehave, get the kids to do responsibilities, get them to do it without arguing, get them to stop being mean to each other, and actually have a clean, safe house on a daily basis? I can’t imagine that it’s possible, but has anyone done this?

For most of the past few years my hope in this happening has gotten smaller and smaller, now it’s almost gone. It seems like we just have to keep them alive until they move out, and that’s the best we can hope for.

Take a step back…breathe…don’t think you will fix this over night. Just worry about now, tomorrow. Get through tomorrow as a good catholic. It will take many years if adjustment.

Also carve out some out of the house time for you and the wife. You sound burned out.

 

[SoulSolace]

I put the in earlier because I know others who are going through a lot of the same dilemma.
The suggestions here are great.

Maybe starting a thread in the prayer requests would be helpful.
Some of these kind folks here prayed for me, and I did see improvement, and where I didn’t see improvement, I found the ability to accept, and to have some hope.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

God bless.

 

[Miserissima]

Jesus died for us so that we may have eternal life, not so that we can have a cushy time in this life. God said nothing about helping us with our worldly problems. So we just have to suffer through this and die every day from the pain of this life, until we’re dead at finally can be in Heaven.

First, start with your perspective. Think of Lilo & Stitch, that your family is “Ohana, it is little and broken but still good.”

Sit your family down and go over that things are going to be different. Explain at an age appropriate level that what has been done is not working for everyone.

This week, get the kids to contribute to a “change chart.” Each person contributes two ideas that needs to change, and what the consequences are.

Continue the family meetings weekly to gauge progress as a family. Follow the family meeting with movie night or pizza night. Learn how to give the kids a voice within boundaries.

You will most likely not get a clean house and a fresh slate. It’s a process that everyone gets to be and stays responsible.

It will not be easy. This type of change is a painful process, like lancing a boil. The parents are also likely to have consequences.

You’ve spent years as if you were a toy on a baby’s mobile. When one toy wants to move, the whole thing gets off balance until it’s realigned. But you have to make sure it’s not realigned the same way it was.

It’s like a alcoholic who wants to stop drinking: what new habits can replace years of a dysfunctional lifestyle?

Next month, reevaluate the “new rules charter” and start a chore chart that hands out tokens for jobs well dive. Ten tokens gets an iced cream.

The month after, the meetings will change from “how to do address this crisis” to “how to maintain our progress”

Remember, King David had to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. No one plucked him out of it. He may have had to cross rivers and light his own fires, but he made it!

You can, too. You just need a practical solution and consistency.

Oh, and the whining? Don’t validate it. If you must, come up with a family motto to use in response. Or say, “Mom and Dad are doing their choirs. Everyone needs you to help.” At a family meeting, after progress review, you can bring up the topic on how to talk to each other respectfully. Explain that you’d like to engage more but that if the kids have to talk to you with a concern, there is a more appropriate way to do it.

It’s one step at a time. Whatever you do, be consistent.

 

[mommy_k]

It is always nice to come home to a house that is peaceful after dealing with the stress that is out there in the world. Sometimes home life adds another layer to this stress, instead of helping to diffuse it.

Peace at home has nothing to do with class or income or anything like this. What many saints have taught us is that we can be peaceful and loving no matter what is going on around us externally. I have the pleasure of knowing people like this, and I strive for this everyday.

Don’t look down at yourself and family becuse of the past. These are habits and habits take 30 days to break. Just pick one and work on it, and everyday is a new day to start if there are slip ups.

There are retreats that will help both yourself and your wife to become calm in the face of trials, and everyday stressors. You can go together, or seperate too. Your children will start to mirror this too.

I’ll say a prayer that Jesus touches your family with His peace, and leads you.

 

[St_Francis]

I went to my first homeschool meeting around 18 years ago. I was very curious to meet mothers who were actually doing what I had always wanted to do

I asked the mothers what thet thought of their own school experiences. The answers fell into one of two camps: I loved school, my parents were supportive and everything went smoothly. Or: I hated school, my parents were not supportive, and I really messed up in my life.

Since then I have met a lot of parents! And what I have learned is that theethod of education is not really important. What is important is the relationship between the family members. I have seen hs kids with “unsupportive” mothers and everyone was miserable, and I have seen schoolkids with great relationships with their parents who were happy and all as well.

Now, I am not saying send your children to school. Hey, where I live, the school is not an option, so I understand that.

But the thing is, your family needs your help. They need your help because **you are the spiritual leader of the family. **That does *not *mean that you get to have everything your way and they have to do what you tell them to do! What it means is that **you have the reaponsibility to guide your family to Heaven. **Any lack of trying on your part is going to be held against you on Judgement Day. If through your giving up one of your family’s souls is lost, that will fall on you.

So this is actually a really urgent matter for you!!! You need to be paying attention! You need to persevere and not give up, because it’s not the results which matter, it’s that we do what God wills for us.

Having also read your other post, I ask myself, when’s the last time your family had a family vacation? It can be great to just get away from one’s life for a week or two, and just going camping in a National Park can provide a lot of rejuvenation!

If you have ever hung out on hsing forums, you would know that the foundation of homeschooling is discipline. You and your wife need to have a plan, and you need to aply it consistently. It ain’t easy, but it is doable. And it is totally worth it.

The one thing I learned is to make the punishment, oh, excuse me, *consequence, *relatively small. Why? So you will not hesitate to impose it as soon as misbehavior begins. Got that? The *very first whine *gets the small punishment imposed. The punishment could be a small fine, push-ups, lines (Write: “I will not whine.” 10 times, or whatever is age-appropriate). This would of course be after it had been explained that whining would get a punishment.

The best thing you can do for your children is to generate in them a love for Christ. Then they will have a basis for *wanting *to behave, as well as a better understanding of *why. *

I hope that you and your wife will be able to talk honestly, perhaps with a third party to help, and create a plan to increase the holiness of *all *your family members. Then you will all also be happier as well.

 

[Cat]

Too many suggestions! Overwhelming!

Sorry, everyone, I agree with so much of what you say, but it’s all too much for the OP! Too many suggestions can be as bad as too few suggestions. It’s hard to know where to start, so the OP and his wife are backing away and saying, “No! We can never do this!”

The problem here is that the OP says that he and his wife do not know how to be Christians because they weren’t raised Christians.

The answer is “role models” who can SHOW THEM, not tell them, how to be Christians in a family setting.

I suggest that the OP and his wife find a “mentoring family”, preferably an older couple who are still very much in love who has finished raising their children and done a good job of it. In other words, this Mentoring Family/Couple should have many years of experience being Christians, and be capable of demonstrating this life to others.

When you think about it, ALL Christian married couples are supposed to be “pictures” to the world of Jesus and His Church. So this shouldn’t be an impossible search. They’re out there. My husband and I would qualify (except for any money issues–we’re spendthrifts).

This should be the OP’s entire focus–finding their “Mentor Family/Couple.” They should not start any of the other suggestions until they have finished THIS suggestion. It will take some time, and probably a little detective work to locate a family in their parish who has the requirements.

Once they have found this couple and received the word from this couple that “yes, we are willing to mentor and help you and your family,” the OP’s family should begin meeting regularly with the Mentor Family/Couple and learning from them.

This shouldn’t just be a meeting in a restaurant somewhere, or in a parish meeting room. This should be back and forth meetings and even overnights in each other’s homes and life should be lived–dinner prepped together, chores done together, recreation done together, etc. The younger couple should LEARN from the older couple.

It’s likely that the Mentor Wife will meet separately with the OP’s wife, and the Mentor Husband will meet separately with the OP to help teach and train them in “Christian living.”

In case this all sounds familiar, check out the Bible, especially Titus 2. Older couples teaching younger couples–it’s all in there. Just do it.

I hope this post is helpful to the OP.

**OP, if you truly feel that there is no hope for your family and you refuse to try my suggestion or anyone else’s suggestion, then I hope with all my heart that you will give up your children to a family that WILL teach them how to be holy and live as Christians, following Jesus Christ and His Church. STOP the CYCLE of despair NOW–please don’t pass this on to your children. Give them a chance to grow up as Christians. **

 

[TriciaF]

Too many suggestions! Overwhelming!

Sorry, everyone, I agree with so much of what you say, but it’s all too much for the OP! Too many suggestions can be as bad as too few suggestions. It’s hard to know where to start, so the OP and his wife are backing away and saying, “No! We can never do this!”

The problem here is that the OP says that he and his wife do not know how to be Christians because they weren’t raised Christians.

The answer is “role models” who can SHOW THEM, not tell them, how to be Christians in a family setting.

I suggest that the OP and his wife find a “mentoring family”, preferably an older couple who are still very much in love who has finished raising their children and done a good job of it. In other words, this Mentoring Family/Couple should have many years of experience being Christians, and be capable of demonstrating this life to others.

When you think about it, ALL Christian married couples are supposed to be “pictures” to the world of Jesus and His Church. So this shouldn’t be an impossible search. They’re out there. My husband and I would qualify (except for any money issues–we’re spendthrifts).

This should be the OP’s entire focus–finding their “Mentor Family/Couple.” They should not start any of the other suggestions until they have finished THIS suggestion. It will take some time, and probably a little detective work to locate a family in their parish who has the requirements.

Once they have found this couple and received the word from this couple that “yes, we are willing to mentor and help you and your family,” the OP’s family should begin meeting regularly with the Mentor Family/Couple and learning from them.

This shouldn’t just be a meeting in a restaurant somewhere, or in a parish meeting room. This should be back and forth meetings and even overnights in each other’s homes and life should be lived–dinner prepped together, chores done together, recreation done together, etc. The younger couple should LEARN from the older couple.

It’s likely that the Mentor Wife will meet separately with the OP’s wife, and the Mentor Husband will meet separately with the OP to help teach and train them in “Christian living.”

In case this all sounds familiar, check out the Bible, especially Titus 2. Older couples teaching younger couples–it’s all in there. Just do it.

I hope this post is helpful to the OP.

**OP, if you truly feel that there is no hope for your family and you refuse to try my suggestion or anyone else’s suggestion, then I hope with all my heart that you will give up your children to a family that WILL teach them how to be holy and live as Christians, following Jesus Christ and His Church. STOP the CYCLE of despair NOW–please don’t pass this on to your children. Give them a chance to grow up as Christians. **

So another suggestion!

It’s a theoretical solution that could be far harder to realize than to suggest. Finding good mentors, in any case, can be very difficult. If there are no family couples or close friends, who offer insights already, then where does one find any. Who’s gong to walk up to a couple and ask them to mentor! It’s hard to overcome childhood modeling but it seem the OP is aware and is trying.

Even if the couple was willing to open their problems to a couple near them, other problems could arise. Even in good families there are sometimes issues

A seemingly ideal couple taken into confidence and given any power or sway in the marriage could soon become a nightmare as you don’t really know other people’s marriages and even perfect-seeming relationships can have problems or bring problems to the mix. All individuals and marriages have flaws, and introducing another couple into the mix could cause many problems, including jealousies, bias, interference…even if you could find a couple.

The OP is trying to find a way. And he did ask for this thread to be discontinued. God grant whatever is needed for the couple and their family.

 

[sdegutis]

I realize I was exaggerating. Things are not perfect in our house, but we haven’t had a really bad argument since early last year. Things are getting better here. I thought it wasn’t a sin to despair about earthly things, but it isn’t helping me and it’s actually doing harm, so I should avoid despairing of any kind anyway.

So I open my Bible and figure “why not, might as well take a quick read”. The first page I randomly flip to is the title page of the New Testament, which is about 3/4 through my Bible. So I flip again and find Luke 11:5 and start reading until Luke 11:14. And it made more sense than usual this time!

This is pretty funny. God obviously answers prayers. But last night I prayed specifically asking if God does give us good things in this lifetime. Sure enough, all I had to do was keep an open mind and open my Bible, and He answered me. Wow, right? I mean, sure, it could have been a coincidence. But it might have not been one too.

 

[bitterhope]

Praying for you and your family. Things can and do get better, usually after you give up and let God take over. Homeschooling is hard work, I only homeschool a few of my kids but I’m considering keeping then all home next year. I’ve noticed how much more peaceful the kids I do homeschool are. My other kids all go to public school and I have to say that not all public schools are created equal. The ones here are not made for anybody in my opinion. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Mine range from 1-15 so I might be able to give some age specific ideas if I knew their ages. One thing we find helps is having a family motto. When the kids are getting really out if sorts we will ask them to recite the family motto and it pulls them back together. Another thing is chore charts. We assign each child an area/chore for two weeks at a time. They earn privileges or lose them depending on how well they did their chore during that time. For school time we do lots of hands on and outdoor learning. We find local field trips for history lessons or science class. Most of the activities are free and the kids learn better from being out side and moving around. Their favorite seems to be the Civil War battle grounds/reenactments for history and state parks for science. They also look forward to library day

It’s important to realize that often as parents we have unrealistic ideas of what families really are. I’ve had people tell me that my family is peaceful and well mannered when I see us as messy, unorganized and bickering all the time. We are way too hard on ourselves sometimes. I have a feeling that your family is doing better than you think it is. My kids struggle with family prayer a lot until they are older so if your kids are younger than 8 years old I wouldn’t think it’s that unusual to have problems. Mine all do well with praying before meals stating very little (about 12-18 months or younger for some) but anything beyond that it is hit or miss for a long time.

Just hang in there. It’s all for the glory of God.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

I know exactly the kind of Family you have, I once had friends,Garry & narelle ,
5. Kids, house and yard were constantly like it was placed on a rubbish dump…
Garry Swore and cursed all day long, Narelle screamed all day long,
Kids had Turtles in the Barth tub till they all drowned, kids often running around naked,
The house was totally out of control, I tried to talk about their situation,no one listened ,
Just Blaming one another, that Family was broken from day one, they divorced ,
Kids never talk to there parents any more,
Now to you,
If you both talk to one another,and you both recognise the problem…
And you both want to improve the situation, then you both need to work together,
Family Counselling is step one, moving to another house , a new environment ,
A new Neighbourhood , that’s a good move, a wardrobe revolution,
Family activity ,beach,park walks, camping in tents, where they look after themselves,
Anything that get you as a family group to interact in a new setting,
What do you think ? Am I close to the mark ?

 

[pianistclare]

I realize I was exaggerating. Things are not perfect in our house, but we haven’t had a really bad argument since early last year. Things are getting better here. I thought it wasn’t a sin to despair about earthly things, but it isn’t helping me and it’s actually doing harm, so I should avoid despairing of any kind anyway.

So I open my Bible and figure “why not, might as well take a quick read”. The first page I randomly flip to is the title page of the New Testament, which is about 3/4 through my Bible. So I flip again and find Luke 11:5 and start reading until Luke 11:14. And it made more sense than usual this time!

This is pretty funny. God obviously answers prayers. But last night I prayed specifically asking if God does give us good things in this lifetime. Sure enough, all I had to do was keep an open mind and open my Bible, and He answered me. Wow, right? I mean, sure, it could have been a coincidence. But it might have not been one too.

You’re on to something dear one.
Small steps, in the right direction, will help you get through.
Peace.