Can a person become immune to emotionally abusive behavior? - Covey's 7 Habits

[mommamaree]

Hi all,
One of the books I am slowly working through right now to improve my wellbeing since beginning my “sabbatical” from contact with my mother (who has some kind of personality disorder, maybe ASD, maybe something else) is Stephen Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. I am just working on reading through Habit #1: Be Proactive. One of his extraordinary claims is that highly self-aware people can become immune to the maltreatment or even abuse/torture of others. He uses Victor Frankl as an example. He insists in his book that people who realize they have the freedom to choose will never be limited/affected by the behavior or treatment of others.

I must admit that his book is really getting my hopes up here. I have been through so much pain in my relationship with my mother (with my whole family really) and I feel sometimes like anything that causes the smallest glimmer of hope of being able to reconcile attracts all my emotional attention. I know I have a lot of internal work and healing to get through before such a reconciliation will be possible, but what I want to know is, is it even possible at all?

If someone persistently acts in egregious ways, and seems to have no remorse or shame or empathy, and furthermore seems to believe the problem lies with me and not with them, is any relationship or even any contact possible? Also, I have young children, and live clear across country from my mother. So visits would be intense and phone conversations could be challenging.

I have given many details of my personal family troubles here in the Family Life forum before, so if anyone who wants to respond is curious to get a bigger picture, feel free to look at my previous posts, or just ask for whatever details are needed. People here at CAF have been so helpful to me with this challenge, and I really appreciate all the wisdom and advice. My only request is please not to treat me harshly without knowing the details of the situation. I have gotten some condemnation for things that are out of my control a few times, and that hurts, so please be kind.

 

[maltmom]

I won’t call it being immune to the abuse. When growing up in a verbally/emotionally abusive home we tend to normalize the treatment b/c that is all we know. It still hurts though. There is always hope b/c God can heal these wounds.

God Bless!

 

[EasterJoy]

Keep reading. He talks about concentrating on those things and people within your “Circle of Influence”. You can, by building what he calls an “Emotional Bank Account”, increase your influence with others. I thought he made it clear that the banking way of looking at this is only an analogy; he’s clear that people are not things and things are not people.

Having said that, you have to ask to what extent it is realistic that you and your mother will influence each other positively by your allowing contact right now. As he would say: The Main Thing is to Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing. Having any kind of relationship with your mom is not the main thing. Attending well to relationships that you can attend to in a mutually-beneficial way is. So keep that in mind.

 

[mommamaree]

Keep reading. He talks about concentrating on those things and people within your “Circle of Influence”. You can, by building what he calls an “Emotional Bank Account”, increase your influence with others. I thought he made it clear that the banking way of looking at this is only an analogy; he’s clear that people are not things and things are not people.

Having said that, you have to ask to what extent it is realistic that you and your mother will influence each other positively by your allowing contact right now. As he would say: The Main Thing is to Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing. Having any kind of relationship with your mom is not the main thing. Attending well to relationships that you can attend to in a mutually-beneficial way is. So keep that in mind.

Okay, thanks, EasterJoy. I am still working on reading through Habit#1, and haven’t even read about a circle of influence or emotional bank account yet. I can only read about 5-10 minutes at a time, before having to race off to attend to the kiddos.
But what you are saying makes sense to me. And I know I need to be emotionally healthy before even attempting to allow contact with my mother. So my question was more for down-the-line, months or even years from now.
I am glad you are already so familiar with this book. I have had total strangers congratulate me for reading the book, just because they happened to see me holding it in public. Makes me even more excited to wade through the process.
Still, it is so hard not to condemn or question myself for “taking a break” because so many people view estrangement as the fault of the adult child, not just as something with which the adult child struggles painfully as they try to heal. I try really hard to let that go, so I can focus on what is within my power to change and improve…namely, my relationships with my husband, kids, friends, etc.

 

[MaryT777]

God can use any MEANS to help us so I hope there’s lots of valuable advice in the book that helps you see what might be/ not be possible with your relationship with your mother.
God bless you for trying to understand the situation and do what you can to repair what is repairable withing reason of the situation between you.
Peace in Christ,
Mary.

 

[St_Francis]

It’s been a while since I read the book, but what I think Covey and Frankl are talking about is not allowing hurtful comments to get inside us where they hurt. For example, as a mother if my child were to say that he hates me, I would not take it personally because it is just an expression of anger rather than a statement of how he feels. In yoour case, for example, you might be able to say that since your mother has a mental illness or at least deficiency, that what she says or does is more an expression of her illness than it is of how she feels about you.

I would say that this is much harder to do when the person is someone close, like a parent, spouse, or child, than with Nazi concentration camp guards or people in one’s working environment.

 

[Litcrit]

I haven’t read the book, but I’m not sure one can easily differentiate between being “immune” from abuse and just being numb and so defended you’re dead to all emotions. I’ve done the latter all my life.

I can take anything from anyone. I’m still in contact with my father. Nothing he does or says impacts me.

I also defend myself from love and closeness and intimacy with anyone. It’s life-in-death, sometimes.

Better to be vulnerable to people you can trust and stay away from people you can’t.

 

[mommamaree]

I haven’t read the book, but I’m not sure one can easily differentiate between being “immune” from abuse and just being numb and so defended you’re dead to all emotions. I’ve done the latter all my life.

I can take anything from anyone. I’m still in contact with my father. Nothing he does or says impacts me.

I also defend myself from love and closeness and intimacy with anyone. It’s life-in-death, sometimes.

Better to be vulnerable to people you can trust and stay away from people you can’t.

Thanks, Litcrit. I value your thoughts very much. What you say here is very important for me to remember always, no matter how my sadness waxes and wanes. I treasure my relationships where I can be vulnerable and trusting. I don’t want to lose that ability, ever, and I have also experienced deadness or numbness inside in the past, and I don’t want to go back to that place ever again. I also have to keep reminding myself how much I have made myself forget in order to have any contact with either of my parents. I would rather honestly remember and learn to forgive and love them from a distance, than to repress and try to deny what is still happening and have contact that continues to harm. sigh

Thanks again. I will keep plugging away at this, doing the work to prepare myself for the kind of healing that the Lord wants to bring about in my heart.

 

[Lady_Love]

Maybe not immune but you can stop taking it personally. You can step out of the situation mentally and emotionally and observe that their problems are theirs and are not about you. Abusive people really just hate themselves and lack maturity and discipline. If you view them as children acting out and trying to manipulate then you can take them less personally and not be hurt by their actions or behavior. Often we let ourselves be hurt because we hold expectations of them higher than they are capable of. See past the behavior to the hurt within them causing them to act this way.

 

[EasterJoy]

Still, it is so hard not to condemn or question myself for “taking a break” because so many people view estrangement as the fault of the adult child, not just as something with which the adult child struggles painfully as they try to heal. I try really hard to let that go, so I can focus on what is within my power to change and improve…namely, my relationships with my husband, kids, friends, etc.

You are a conscientious person, so of course you are going to mentally re-visit such a hard decision from time to time: did I do enough to make it work, was there something I didn’t try, was it so bad, and so on. This is entirely natural in someone with a working conscience.

I will tell you what I do when I start second-guessing healthy behavior on my part that other people try to punish me for: I remind myself of how I would counsel myself if I were a good friend of mine, and not me. In that same situation, what would I tell her to do when she was criticized by those know-it-alls?

“Love your neighbor as yourself”–well, would you send someone in for another round of the emotional abuse and gas lighting you were getting, and call that love? Would you counsel her to deal with her guilt feelings by doing what other people think is loving when your friend knows in her heart of hearts that it is not going to work? I could go on, but you get the picture. It is like someone being physically abused. They think all their friends are going to judge them for leaving their abuser, while anyone with emotional intelligence who has ever seen the relationship in action are actually wondering what they can do to convince the victim to get out of harm’s way!

As for guilt feelings: they are a smoke alarm, not a fire. Check for a fire when you hear them, but if there is no reason to call the fire department, then you can turn it off. Even if there is a fire, there is no need for that thing to keep blaring. As soon as the warning has been heeded, you can turn them off. It is OK.