Can a person really overcome sex addiction?

[topsaulez]

Dear Forum-mates:

I asked this question purely from an objective point of view? It is not meant to be an offensive or negative question to the other fellow Catholics, Church, etc.

The reason I asked this question is because I am a living example of how hard it is to fight the good fight. I started to have issues, mostly masturbation, as a teenager. My father would keep adult magazines by his bed side in our tiny apartment, so it was easily “accessible” by me and my older brother. I became sensitized to sex and my body since that age. It became an outlet of frustration and also a dark secretive resort for me to “rest” and get comfort.

Many years later, after getting married, having my own children, and other life events, I am still struggling with this evil in my life. There were good times and bad times, but it has become part of my life. My sexual sins have extended to illicit sexual acts with real ladies. Like many other fellow sex addicts, I would go to confession regularly but only to find myself all again not long afterwards.

I’ve tried different ways to fight back but the cycle just repeats itself. I could be doing well for a week, but then one morning when I wake up, something changes in my mind/body and the physiological changes would slowly take control of myself. I maybe able to fight it for one day or a few days through prayers and other strategies, but slowly I would lose the battle again.

I’ve seen many suggestions on this Forum about how to fight sexual temptations, and I really appreciate everybody’s suggestions, time and good intentions. I am not trying to minimize them. I am only describing what I 've been going through personally. And deep down in my heart, I also have confidence in Jesus, especially after my confessions.

But I still would like to ask this question openly - whether somebody has actually and truthfully been able to get rid of this addiction for an extended period of time (except maybe for very occasion relapses). If you have, please share your experiences. I may not be able to copy your strategies or methods of overcoming your addiction, but it would at least give me a real life example of another person having won the war. And I believe such a knowledge would be very helpful to me.

Again, please don’t take this message negatively in any ways.

 

[Trident_H]

K here’s a thing. I’ve never had a sex addiction. But I don’t think it’s too far from the drug/alcohol addiction I have. I mean they’re doing the same things for you. Both are replacing the hard with the easy. Both are giving an easy out from stress. And both give a guy a buzz for the effort.

So all I can tell you is that the only way I’ve gotten forward in this is to stay busy. Busy. Busy. I mean on the move.

At first it meant I had to move my digs at least several times a year. To break bad habits and routines. Then I had to drop everything that reminded me of what I wanted. So this meant ditching a lot of physical links. Then I got rid of my phone. Because my contacts needed to be harder to reach.

Then I gave up my privacy. I even took my door off its hinges for a while. I gave up my pride too. Because I knew this thing was bigger than I was. So I groveled a bit in front of God. And got my humility level adjusted back to high.

But the most key thing I ever did was to keep a journal. A self-accusatory account of my whole life to that point. So that every time I had the smallest craving I could go back and read it through. To remind me where my choices led me. To remind me exactly who I’d hurt on the way down. To remember the choices that had made the biggest impact.

I mean the journal was as open and frank as I could make it. A really balanced view. The first time I started writing it I just wrote straight for days. But now it’s more of a thing that I review. That I refine a bit. And that I share sometimes. Because it was one thing to write it. To have that all to myself. But an entirely different thing to share it with someone else. To know that they knew exactly what I was like on the inside.

And of course sometimes that backfired. Sometimes I was rejected for that effort. But sometimes too I was able to bridge a gap there. To make a connection with someone suffering in a different way. And somehow together we were able to help each other move through one more day. Or week. Or whatever.

The main thing is that it’s kept me honest. Because in not being able to keep this to myself alone I found that the craving lost a bit of power over me. It was no longer my dark secret. Festering in some back corner of my soul. But instead it was sitting there in the spotlight. Out in the open. Exposed and in a clear place for discussion. So that I couldn’t really be those two different people every day. I couldn’t just put effort into some superficial fiction that I’d show everyone else. Only to turn a different color as soon as the door was closed. Instead I am just 1 person. One face showing. So it keeps things clear about where I’m standing. I can put my efforts into staying consistent now. Instead of just being devious.

But I’m not gonna recommend you open up completely with your closest people first. I’d really push for you to use that up on people on the periphery. People you can handle losing. Because there’s something to be learned in the delivery of this information too. And it takes some time to angle just right. To learn the cues that makes sharing this sort of stuff acceptable.

So I’d recommend:

1. Stay very active. I mean not a dull moment. For as long as it takes.
2. Change your setting. Don’t visit your same haunts where the bad habits lie dormant. Get rid of all physical reminders. Or cues. Change rooms. Change houses. Change whatever you need to change.
3. Keep some different cues handy. Like pictures of wounded or disfigured people who might need your prayers. Then pray for those people instead of doing other things. Train your moods to have a positive spin-off.
4. Make a written account of what you’ve done and how it’s affected the people in your life. Hold yourself accountable to that. Don’t be proud in any part of this. Be broken. Make it personal. Make it break your own heart with what you’ve done. Then read it often. At least once a day at first. Keep it fresh. Help it crowd out the cravings with remorse.
5. Work on merging the inner you with the outer. So that there’s a consistency instead of a mental divide.
6. Work on being honest in all things. Big and small. Both to those around you. But especially with yourself. No more compromises. No more justifying. I mean call a spade a spade. And then use it only to dig.
7. Get a buddy who can work through your stuff with you. To hold yourself to account you need to share your progress with someone. Someone who won’t let you slide. But who’ll also be willing to meet you where you’re at.
8. Don’t screw up. Not one more time. No sipping wine just during the holidays. Or on your birthday. Or anytime.
9. And remember. You’re never cured. You’ve just learned how to manage things. That’s it. You’re not hot stuff because of that either. You’re still the same guy. You never move past that. But you don’t despair in it either. You don’t wallow in self-pity there. You can’t afford that.
10. Pray like crazy. In an honest and humble way.
11. Help someone else with a different addiction. Because it’s hard to get greedy when you’re busy sharing all the time.

PM me whenever you need. I’m here for you for anything you need.

Peace topsaulez. Fight this good fight. And fight it to win.

-Trident

 

[1990Domer]

Wow, Trident, you are a strong man! Can I add a suggestion to keep busy? Go to church and pray. If there is a church that has Adoration, pray in front of our Lord and offer your weaknesses to him.

Also, therapy may not be a bad idea.

 

[JerryZ]

How many of us have had to struggle with that particular vice. The culture keeps telling us “c’mon it’s not a big deal!” “It really is not a sin” my favourite lie “It’s a human function, not a biggie, perfectly normal!” NOT!

I can attest that my cure came from our Mother in Heaven coupled with an extensive and prolonged retreat. Lot’s of prayer, the rosary is a powerful weapon.

Am I cured? Well no human being this side of Heaven is free of temptation. And therefore constant prayer is a must if we wish to vanquish this evil. Make constant use of the Sacrament of reconciliation, go to mass and partake of our Lord’s Body so that we increase our grace, and petition our Mother in Heaven to help you conquer your vice. Whatever this might be. GOD bless!

…

 

[TK421]

I first saw pornography when I around 12 or 13 years old at a friend’s house. There was then a long silence for several years until it reintroduced itself again briefly, and then I watched it for a few years streaming from the internet. In 2014 I set up a software blocker, and it was no more. It happened dramatically.

Masturbation in itself was a much more turbulent struggle.

I look at the interior person as being very similar to how you would look at a world. There are vast expanses of oceans, and countries with borders, with trade & commerce happening between these countries. For a man engrossed in sexual sin, you would look on the map, and you would find a powerful empire on the map in black. If the sin isn’t even being fought at all, the borders of this country would be slowly creeping forward as well as projecting their influence elsewhere. You can attempt to reclaim this territory by fighting it head on, but this by itself is very difficult, especially for one who is so deeply embedded in it through years upon years of vice. All virtues and vices are interconnected. Suppose you also decide to develop the other countries in the world. You make efforts to increase your volunteerism, your patience, your spiritual study, even your laughter, which is edifying if done for the right reasons. By building up all of these things, you are likewise strangling the vice of sexual sin, even if you aren’t doing it directly.

It is insufficient in God’s sight for us to fight a sin simply in order to be rid of sin. If we ask him simply, “Give me freedom from this,” he will say, “In order to do what?” What if pride or complacency moves into the vacuum? What if one evil is thrown down, only for a greater one to rise up? We have to crave for light & virtue, and sin will take care of itself.

That’s my metaphor. God bless.

 

[esieffe]

I had a close friend who was a sex addict. For him, the best way forward was to put the addiction on the same level as alcoholism, or, better yet, a food disorder. We have to eat food in order to survive so managing a food addiction is especially challenging.

Humans, mammals really, have the God given gift of procreation. Built in urges, hormones and all the rest. Drug addicts get their fix from pills, bottles, needles and the pipe. Sex addicts get their dopamine fix the old fashioned way. It’s all the same. It all crushes the soul and leads us away from God, taking innocent victims along the way.

For this reason inner and outer treatment is in order. 12 step meetings, counseling, avoidance of triggers [near occasion of sin] and most importantly prayer and the sacraments.

Prayer of the "no fooling around variety. This means never giving in to shame and going full throttle. Guilt and shame are chief in the armaments of the adversary. This means, when you fall, resolve then and there to continue the battle, even if you feel like a hypocrite, and you will. That doesn’t matter. Mary, the queen of Heaven will support us no matter how many times we fall.

It’s a heavy cross to bear, especially when everyone around us tell us that this is all within our control. It isn’t or we would have stopped long ago. What IS in our control is the daily, hourly and sometimes minute to minute treatment I have already described. This isn’t some shrouded mystery, you just can’t give up, even when you want too.

There are addicts of all varieties that have years of sobriety. That didn’t happen by accident. All have fallen over and over, they just did not give up, and they have not stopped their daily treatment. You can do this too. Just don’t give up and trust that the Lord and our Mother will not give up on us. We must however, do our part.

:knight1:

 

[Trident_H]

Wow, Trident, you are a strong man! Can I add a suggestion to keep busy? Go to church and pray. If there is a church that has Adoration, pray in front of our Lord and offer your weaknesses to him.

Also, therapy may not be a bad idea.

Those are good adds Domer.

And hey. You’re pretty strong yourself.

Peace my friend.

-Trident

 

[alphawoman]

Trident gives fabulous advice. Take him up on his offer for help-- his perspective is spot on, and he knows how to deliver a message in a personalized way that resonates for the person he’s helping.

Trident, I’ve said it before, you are a serious asset to this forum!

 

[alphawoman]

As to overcoming sexual sin, YES you can! While my own experience didn’t reach the level of addiction, it was habitual. For me, it involved a careful consideration of the harm I was causing to myself and others (including God), and an invocation of those thoughts of harm at near occasions of sin. You need to be able to be honest enough with yourself to sincerely despise what you are doing. Are you there yet? My hunch from the kid-glove language you use in describing your activities is that you’re still enjoying the illicit activities and are sorry to let them go, at least subconsciously.

Praying the rosary daily was instrumental in my overcoming habitual sin. It’s a small commitment for such an abundant outpouring of grace.

 

[Sugabee43]

OP, I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice you’ve received so far. I’m not an addict, but I’m married to one. Thank you for being willing to battle this terrible vice, and I encourage you to do so- for your soul’s sake as well as the sake of your wife and especially your children. As you well know from your own experience, the children will find it or find out about it and the cycle will repeat itself. If for no other reason (and there are lots of important ones here), battle for your children!!

:knight1: Prayers for you, and put on the armor of God!!!

 

[topsaulez]

Dear Trident:

Thank you so much for your response. I take it that you have recovered from drug/alcohol addiction and is living a normal life. Although our addictions are of different nature, I believe the physiological changes and cycles are probably very similar. So I would definitely take your advice very seriously.

I agree with some other posters that your sharing is very personal and unique. Rather than offering some generic advice, you were able to share your personal struggles and unique experiences with us. I can use a few of your tips.

About writing a journal, I’ve started one, but I don’t think I am writing enough. I should really pick it up again. I agree with what you said about it - it lays down all the facts logically and the causes and effects too. It is definitely helpful and I need to pick it up again.

Keep busy is also something that I try to do. But I have another issue. I get very tense mentally if I allow myself overwork. I get stressed out easily from work and also from some social situations. And if I get stressed, I tend to seek out sexual pleasures as an outlet too. So I have to strike the right balance here.

About telling somebody about it… this is something that I would like to do but I am not ready to do it yet. I can’t find that right person that I can confide my deepest secrets with yet. People outside of church probably don’t see this as such as big problem. So they won’t be able to help me that much.

For the church friends, we are quite close and it would be difficult for me to break such a “inconceivable thing” to them (it goes back to your saying of how addicts have two personalities, two worlds, two versions, etc.) I am no Bill Clinton, but such a news would be quick shocking to my circle of friends. So I am not ready to do it yet. Or at least I haven’t found the right person to share it with, and who will keep it confidential.

If you don’t mind, I will take up your offer of PMing you. Having somebody who will hold me accountable will be extremely helpful to me.

Thanks,
Top

 

[topsaulez]

Wow, Trident, you are a strong man! Can I add a suggestion to keep busy? Go to church and pray. If there is a church that has Adoration, pray in front of our Lord and offer your weaknesses to him.

Also, therapy may not be a bad idea.

Thank you. Yes, I agree that therapy is a good idea. But finding good, right, and accessible therapy is not easy. I believe and hope that the Catholic Church will face this issue (sexual sins within and outside of the church) and devote resources to make therapy and other form of help more accessible.

 

[topsaulez]

How many of us have had to struggle with that particular vice. The culture keeps telling us “c’mon it’s not a big deal!” “It really is not a sin” my favourite lie “It’s a human function, not a biggie, perfectly normal!” NOT!

I can attest that my cure came from our Mother in Heaven coupled with an extensive and prolonged retreat. Lot’s of prayer, the rosary is a powerful weapon.

Am I cured? Well no human being this side of Heaven is free of temptation. And therefore constant prayer is a must if we wish to vanquish this evil. Make constant use of the Sacrament of reconciliation, go to mass and partake of our Lord’s Body so that we increase our grace, and petition our Mother in Heaven to help you conquer your vice. Whatever this might be. GOD bless!

…

Thank you Jerry. Last year I devoted one year to say the St. Bridget’s Prayers. This year I will focus on the Rosary and ask the Mother of the Church for help.

It is not just the culture. I think I am naturally born to be easily attracted to the opposite sex. I don’t know how to explain it, but some people’s nature are more sexual than others. As far as I can remember, I always find myself liking some girls or ladies. When I was a child, I would “fall in love” with teachers, a pretty neighbor, etc. It is just part of who I am. I wish my natural tendency is to like and be good at singing, then I can devote my voice to glorify the Lord. Instead, it has to be about the opposite sex. I am not saying that it is the right thing to do. Please don’t get me wrong. I am just confessing who I am.

 

[topsaulez]

Trident gives fabulous advice. Take him up on his offer for help-- his perspective is spot on, and he knows how to deliver a message in a personalized way that resonates for the person he’s helping.

Trident, I’ve said it before, you are a serious asset to this forum!

Thanks Alpha- I will try to follow Trident’s advice!

 

[topsaulez]

As to overcoming sexual sin, YES you can! While my own experience didn’t reach the level of addiction, it was habitual. For me, it involved a careful consideration of the harm I was causing to myself and others (including God), and an invocation of those thoughts of harm at near occasions of sin. You need to be able to be honest enough with yourself to sincerely despise what you are doing. Are you there yet? My hunch from the kid-glove language you use in describing your activities is that you’re still enjoying the illicit activities and are sorry to let them go, at least subconsciously.

Praying the rosary daily was instrumental in my overcoming habitual sin. It’s a small commitment for such an abundant outpouring of grace.

" that you’re still enjoying the illicit activities and are sorry to let them go, at least subconsciously." - You are spot on, I think it is something that has offered me shelter for so long that my body or subconsciousness may not be ready to give it up. Also, I don’t want to be too graphic here, but when I get close to another person I don’t just get involved physically but also emotionally. As explained previously, I am attracted to the opposite sex easily and long for the emotional connection or just the sharing of some experiences or other things such as poetry, etc. Again, I know this is wrong. But it is also my vary nature. That’s why it’s so hard to fight it.

 

[topsaulez]

As to overcoming sexual sin, YES you can! While my own experience didn’t reach the level of addiction, it was habitual. For me, it involved a careful consideration of the harm I was causing to myself and others (including God), and an invocation of those thoughts of harm at near occasions of sin. You need to be able to be honest enough with yourself to sincerely despise what you are doing. Are you there yet? My hunch from the kid-glove language you use in describing your activities is that you’re still enjoying the illicit activities and are sorry to let them go, at least subconsciously.

Praying the rosary daily was instrumental in my overcoming habitual sin. It’s a small commitment for such an abundant outpouring of grace.

" that you’re still enjoying the illicit activities and are sorry to let them go, at least subconsciously." - You are spot on, I think it is something that has offered me shelter for so long that my body or subconsciousness may not be ready to give it up. Also, I don’t want to be too graphic here, but when I get close to another person there are both the physical and emotional aspects. As explained previously, I am attracted to the opposite sex easily and long for the emotional connection or just the sharing of some experiences or other things such as poetry, etc. I am attracted to ladies who are pretty but more to those who have good personalities, who are intelligent, special, driven, etc. I am just hopelessly romantic. Again, I know this is wrong. That’s why it’s so hard to fight it.

 

[topsaulez]

I first saw pornography when I around 12 or 13 years old at a friend’s house. There was then a long silence for several years until it reintroduced itself again briefly, and then I watched it for a few years streaming from the internet. In 2014 I set up a software blocker, and it was no more. It happened dramatically.

Masturbation in itself was a much more turbulent struggle.

I look at the interior person as being very similar to how you would look at a world. There are vast expanses of oceans, and countries with borders, with trade & commerce happening between these countries. For a man engrossed in sexual sin, you would look on the map, and you would find a powerful empire on the map in black. If the sin isn’t even being fought at all, the borders of this country would be slowly creeping forward as well as projecting their influence elsewhere. You can attempt to reclaim this territory by fighting it head on, but this by itself is very difficult, especially for one who is so deeply embedded in it through years upon years of vice. All virtues and vices are interconnected. Suppose you also decide to develop the other countries in the world. You make efforts to increase your volunteerism, your patience, your spiritual study, even your laughter, which is edifying if done for the right reasons. By building up all of these things, you are likewise strangling the vice of sexual sin, even if you aren’t doing it directly.

It is insufficient in God’s sight for us to fight a sin simply in order to be rid of sin. If we ask him simply, “Give me freedom from this,” he will say, “In order to do what?” What if pride or complacency moves into the vacuum? What if one evil is thrown down, only for a greater one to rise up? We have to crave for light & virtue, and sin will take care of itself.

That’s my metaphor. God bless.

Thanks for the advice, although I am not completely following the metaphor. Good bless you too!

 

[topsaulez]

OP, I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice you’ve received so far. I’m not an addict, but I’m married to one. Thank you for being willing to battle this terrible vice, and I encourage you to do so- for your soul’s sake as well as the sake of your wife and especially your children. As you well know from your own experience, the children will find it or find out about it and the cycle will repeat itself. If for no other reason (and there are lots of important ones here), battle for your children!!

:knight1: Prayers for you, and put on the armor of God!!!

Yes, I will remember it - to fight for my children!

 

[TK421]

Thanks for the advice, although I am not completely following the metaphor. Good bless you too!

I think it’s safe to say that it’s a weird analogy that is helpful for me but probably not very many other people. I’m a sucker for strategy games so that is how I tend to think. I won’t be offended if you find other people’s insights more meaningful to you

I guess the message I’m getting across is: don’t make your spirituality all about “overcoming sexual sin”. Make it “falling in love with God and being a light to the world”. If you follow through with general ways to be a holier person that serves others, your slavery to sexual sin will weaken along with it.

 

[alphawoman]

topsaulez:

As explained previously, I am attracted to the opposite sex easily and ** long for the emotional connection or just the sharing of some experiences or other things such as poetry, etc**. Again, I know this is wrong. But it is also my vary nature. That’s why it’s so hard to fight it.

This is an informative comment that provides a lot of insight into your thought process in relatively few words. A few thoughts from an Internet random, to take or leave as you see fit:

Basically, it sums up to: what are you getting out of your current behaviour that keeps drawing you back?

1. The Actionable

Reflect on past instances of impropriety and sin to really understand exactly what value you are deriving from your behaviours. Even maladaptive behaviours are meeting an underlying need, albeit in an undesirable way. If you can identify the REAL need that is driving your behaviour, then you can attack the problem from both ends, stopping the sin and seeking out healthy and moral behaviours to meet the underlying need.

In the bolded section above, you mention longing for emotional connection and sharing experiences as two motivations for illcit activity. Those are legitimate needs! What you need to do as heavy lifting is be honest with yourself to determine why those needs are pressing. How do your behaviours serve as a proxy for meeting those needs? How does your behaviour align with the degree of love, attention, and attachment you experienced in your formative years? To what degree are the initial perceived needs placeholders for a deeper, I unacknowledged need?

1. The Theological

I’m going to call you on your locus of control here. In your earlier post, you refer to attraction to the opposite sex as being in your nature, with the unwritten implication that it is largely outside your locus of control. To that I’ll say this: you have to change your internal narrative.

Yes, you are a human, designed by God to enjoy sex. Remember why God gave you (and all humanity) that gift-- to love your spouse, and only your spouse, and procreate monogamously within the context of sacramental marriage. So yes, that part is your nature, and it’s gorgeous!

But what isn’t in your nature is adultery and sexual sin. That behaviour is main lined from
Satan and his entourage of hate. They despise you for your humanity and seek to ruin you by conflating legitimate needs and perversions of needs. It is not only in your control to acknowledge that truth, but it is your duty to do so.

Your new mantra needs to acknowledge your call to chastity appropriate to your state in life, and your ability to detect and overcome diabolical temptation. If you can create a mental visual depiction of who is tempting you, you will find it easier to say no because you have personified your adversary. Go into this fight with your eyes wide ope, and don’t be afraid to let God be the heavyweight in your corner. All grace comes from Him!