Can a priest and woman be good friends?

[AdamP88]

Am I understanding you correctly? You are saying that in most cases male-female friendships inevitably become fraught with romantic tension?

That has been the case with 0% of my friendships with women. I had a close female friend visit me for a weekend and she slept in my spare room. This happened while she was dating. There was no tension whatsoever. As I said, speak for yourself.

Ok…number one I’m not saying romantic involvement is always an outcome - but specific emotional attachment is always a possibility and as another poster said the consideration should be on the vocation of the priest.

The other big flaw I see with your argument is that no matter what you say there will always be some type of attraction between a male & female…It’s natural.

Just because you allow a woman to sleep in your spare room is not proof that there is no attraction. It is most likely a situation to avoid - for any catholic male or female.

This is just common sense really (this coming from a pre-seminarian) and if that can’t be seen then there isn’t much I can do to convince you.

 

[Baelor]

Ok…number one I’m not saying romantic involvement is always an outcome - but specific emotional attachment is always a possibility and as another poster said the consideration should be on the vocation of the priest.

Correct. But either the emotional attachment is platonic, in which case, if that is problematic, then the priest should avoid all private meetings regardless of the gender of the other person, or it is romantic, in which the you are saying that the involvement is, in fact, romantic.

The other big flaw I see with your argument is that no matter what you say there will always be some type of attraction between a male & female…It’s natural.

No, it is not. That is the fundamental problem with your own position. Not every male-female relationship ends in attraction. I know because I maintain friendships with plenty of females, none of which involve any attraction whatsoever.

Just because you allow a woman to sleep in your spare room is not proof that there is no attraction. It is most likely a situation to avoid - for any catholic male or female.

Yes, yes. Very good. Please tell me what I feel. You, after all, certainly know better than I do what my thoughts are.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m going to bow out here because I’ve prettymuch said said all the important stuff…Everything I said is basically what a vocations director or SD would advise someone trying to live a celibate life.

I can’t really say anything else that I haven’t said without repeating myself…

 

[InLight247]

I’m going to bow out here because I’ve prettymuch said said all the important stuff…Everything I said is basically what a vocations director or SD would advise someone trying to live a celibate life.

I can’t really say anything else that I haven’t said without repeating myself…

I agree with you. I will get out of this thread also. It seems that people who want to believe nothing wrong to dine out with a priest alone, or simply “want to” dine out with a priest alone, are looking for agreement to support their own desires.

Actually, I have decided not even to open this thread again. This is only responsible for good use of my precious time.

 

[agapewolf]

The other big flaw I see with your argument is that no matter what you say there will always be some type of attraction between a male & female…It’s natural.

.

No.

Just, no. I have several male friends that there is NO kind of attraction you are getting at here. NONE.

 

[Bix]

What if the priest was dining with another man? Going by what I’ve read here, many would indicate yes, it’s okay. However, as another poster pointed out earlier… Not all men are attracted to women.

I believe we should all be prudent, but also we shouldn’t make assumptions and jump to conclusions. Men and women can be friends with one another regardless of sexual preferences. Sometimes a friend is simply a friend.

 

[flower_lady]

Unless they are working together for the church, NO, NO, NOOOOO!!! The Devil is toooo busy as it is. The less temptation the better. Why tempt yourself? We have enough scandal in the church already. It’s sad but true.

 

[Midtown_Mike]

…but also we shouldn’t make assumptions and jump to conclusions.

This is the main focus of my feelings in this matter; aside from what’s truly in the participant’s hearts.

Mike

 

[agapewolf]

Unless they are working together for the church, NO, NO, NOOOOO!!! The Devil is toooo busy as it is. The less temptation the better. Why tempt yourself? We have enough scandal in the church already. It’s sad but true.

It’s not tempting. There is no temptation.

 

[AdamP88]

It’s not tempting. There is no temptation.

Kidding yourself…

 

[southri]

I agree with everyone who says it’s not a good idea. I found out first hand that it can all seem innocent to you and him and then people talk. It’s too bad that two people can’t be there for each other. I think a priest having a female friend is helpful to him to understand other females, as he has no way to really understand without being married. Also, you can be equally yoked- it’s extremely hard sometimes in life to find someone who is equally yoked - but none of that matters - unfortunately, in an imperfect world like ours, it is all about perception. I lost my best friend this way.

 

[teresadeavila]

I agree with everyone who says it’s not a good idea. I found out first hand that it can all seem innocent to you and him and then people talk. It’s too bad that two people can’t be there for each other. I think a priest having a female friend is helpful to him to understand other females, as he has no way to really understand without being married. Also, you can be equally yoked- it’s extremely hard sometimes in life to find someone who is equally yoked - but none of that matters - unfortunately, in an imperfect world like ours, it is all about perception. I lost my best friend this way.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, but I have to ask, what do you mean by “yoked?” Isn’t that some obscure Biblical reference? And I wonder how you lost your best friend “that way?”

My hubby and I set some ground rules - no movies together, only lunches, and no dinners (happened once and hubby was supposed to be with me but couldn’t make it due to work last minute, and I felt bad cancelling). We will also include the family more in our get togethers, ie dinner at our house - I do not want to give anyone the wrong impression, and that was the reason/concern for my original post. Interesting how many people read this thread though…I do think it’s important we cut our priests some slack and let them live their lives and enjoy themselves once in a while. They’re human, not emotionless robots programmed to do what parishioners want them to do - I’ve seen too much of how demanding and judgmental parishioners can be, and it makes me sad.

 

[southri]

No it’s not an obscure Biblical reference - what it means is that you are at the same place spiritually. I think as we age and grow we may outgrow many others in our lives. My priest and I were evenly yoked. In that way,he was my best friend.

 

[teresadeavila]

No it’s not an obscure Biblical reference - what it means is that you are at the same place spiritually. I think as we age and grow we may outgrow many others in our lives. My priest and I were evenly yoked. In that way,he was my best friend.

Oh okay, I’ve just never heard that before. Thanks for the clarification. I am not in the same place spiritually as he is, but I’m trying to learn more. I’d love to take theology classes but no time for now - I just love finally talking to someone who is just as fascinated by human nature and spirituality as I am.

 

[southri]

Also, it’s not good because if you have that much in common, you are probably heading in a wrong direction. One of you could fall for the other, or both for each other. That’s not good.

 

[teresadeavila]

Also, it’s not good because if you have that much in common, you are probably heading in a wrong direction. One of you could fall for the other, or both for each other. That’s not good.

I have a lot in common with many friends, male & female, no romantic feelings there either. My hubby is my best friend, who’s been there for me through thick and thin. No one else even comes close, even with our problems, arguments, and selfishness.

I will definitely maintain distance though - for the sake of both our vocations.

 

[Cricket17]

Sorry for coming a bit late to the party. As spiritual God-mother to a seminarian 30 years my junior I have some thoughts on the subject. I do believe a priest can have friendships with women. It’s healthy & good. But certain caveats apply:

• Always, always the friendship must have a “vertical dimension,” i.e., it must point all parties in the direction of Jesus Christ & enhance spiritual lives. Each must will only the good of the other. (Like others in this post I recommend the book, “Spiritual Friendship,” by St. Aelred.)
• Respect for mutual vocational states must be of paramount importance. If anyone is made to feel uncomfortable in any way–back off.
• There’s no room whatsoever for anything resembling exclusivity or possessiveness. The friendship must be open to others.
• I’ve known many priests over the years. Most were mediocre, some downright bad. A rare holy few appeared to be bound straight for Heaven, sanctifying everyone along the way. WITHOUT EXCEPTION these very good priests had learned to purify their relationships with women, mastering themselves at the same time. They see women as SOULS. Just as Jesus sees them!

 

[teresadeavila]

Sorry for coming a bit late to the party. As spiritual God-mother to a seminarian 30 years my junior I have some thoughts on the subject. I do believe a priest can have friendships with women. It’s healthy & good. But certain caveats apply:

• Always, always the friendship must have a “vertical dimension,” i.e., it must point all parties in the direction of Jesus Christ & enhance spiritual lives. Each must will only the good of the other. (Like others in this post I recommend the book, “Spiritual Friendship,” by St. Aelred.)
• Respect for mutual vocational states must be of paramount importance. If anyone is made to feel uncomfortable in any way–back off.
• There’s no room whatsoever for anything resembling exclusivity or possessiveness. The friendship must be open to others.
• I’ve known many priests over the years. Most were mediocre, some downright bad. A rare holy few appeared to be bound straight for Heaven, sanctifying everyone along the way. WITHOUT EXCEPTION these very good priests had learned to purify their relationships with women, mastering themselves at the same time. They see women as SOULS. Just as Jesus sees them!

I’ve often viewed our friendship as a special spiritual friendship and nothing more - we have the utmost respect for our mutual vocations, and definitely, our friendship is not exclusive or possessive. In fact, I’m trying to introduce him to my friends, he knows my entire immediate family, and he has his own “family” of parishioners and friends all over town and his close friends from seminary school. I’ve had close friends for years and a very wide social circle of friends. He’s never made me feel uncomfortable either, and I’ve earned his trust and vice versa. He’s really helped me grow closer to God by suggesting reading books, movies that inspire, etc. I see him as a spiritual advisor and of course, priest that belongs to God and his church. I’ll have to check that book out! Thanks.

 

[g_ncl]

It is entirely inappropriate for a woman and a priest to be dating, which is what lunches and movies are.

I am sorry but I deeply disagree with this. I go to lunch and movies with my brother, with woman friends, with male friends and it is not dating. Dating is when two people use a series of meetings to discern the possibility of a relationship, for the purpose of forming a family together. Lunches and movies can happen between friends (even of opposite sexes) without it constituting “dating”.

 

[AdamP88]

I am sorry but I deeply disagree with this. I go to lunch and movies with my brother, with woman friends, with male friends and it is not dating. Dating is when two people use a series of meetings to discern the possibility of a relationship, for the purpose of forming a family together. Lunches and movies can happen between friends (even of opposite sexes) without it constituting “dating”.

It is inappropriate for a seminarian, priest or religious to be in certain situations with a woman that may be construed as “dating”. The intention may not to be actually date but it may be interpreted as such.

Also, as many posters have said the most consideration of the priest should be the woman’s spiritual and moral well-being and both parties should consider their vocational states.