Can a priest deny us the sacrament of marriage because we are pregnant?

[im1234]

I have a question. My fiance and I have been engaged for 3 yrs and planned to get married this november but had to push the wedding back to spring because of financial difficulties. We have struggled with being chaste throughout our engagement and it is something that we go to confession for and really do try to avoid. However, we recently found out that we are pregnant. The first thing that came to our minds was “lets move our wedding date back to November and get married as soon as possible” not “lets get an abortion and make this go away”. In todays society, a young financially unsound couple would be told to take the morning after pill and forget about it. This is something we would never do! We contacted our home parish to see if we could move our date back to november because we had decided that we should get married sooner rather than later. Our pastor said that the date was still open and that he would even work with us on the church fees given our current financial problems. We felt so blessed. Then one week later we get a call from his assistant saying the pastor wanted to know why we needed to get married all of a sudden so quickly and asked if a pregnancy was involved. Wanting to do the Christian thing and tell the truth, my fiance answered honestly and said yes. His assistant then told us that “given the new circumstances” the pastor has said they were not totally sure if they will be able to marry us because they dont want “couples marrying for the wrong reasons” I feel crushed. If there was any religion that I felt would be OPEN TO LIFE it would be the Catholic failth. How is this child that we want to raise in the church “the wrong reason” to get married? Can they really deny us the sacrament because of this? I just feel so upset and disillusioned with the church right now. I dont this this is something Jesus would have said to us. It is just ironic because had we lied or had we just had an abortion we wouldnt be dealing with our pastor threatening us with the sacrament in this way. I just feel like this is encouraging young couples to act against the faith and encouraging bad behavior. any thoughts would be appreciated. thank you

 

[ValPal]

I just feel like this is encouraging young couples to act against the faith and encouraging bad behavior. any thoughts would be appreciated. thank you

Fact is, many young people rush into marriage once a pregnancy is involved. The pregnancy becomes the sole focus, and the other marital requirements go right out the window. Unfortunately down the road it results in a high number of divorces. In my own generation, I cannot think of a single couple that was married under these circumstances and is still married (though I know some married in the mid-1960s and prior that are).

My own wife is such an example. She was previously married at 17 and later divorced. The marriage was rushed, and part of the reason she was able to receive the annulment was due to her age and the pregnancy.

 

[SMHW]

I realize this is a difficult time.

I don’t know what will happen in your particular case but please understand that if the pastor decides that he will not allow you to marry at this time it is not because of the pregnancy per se. It is because he wants you to be able to validly marry (and stay married).

A pastor is not supposed to marry a couple if he thinks there may be an impediment to either of you giving full freely given consent to this marriage. Today pregnancy is seen as an impediment to the ability to freely give consent. The fact that the marriage was moved previously due to financial concerns might be seen as another problem. Statistics show that marriages are less likely to last if there are financial problems or if the marriage was due to pregnancy. The Church does not want you to marry and then divorce.

Prayers that you and your pastor make the best decision for yourselves and your unborn child.

 

[im1234]

Fact is, many young people rush into marriage once a pregnancy is involved. The pregnancy becomes the sole focus, and the other marital requirements go right out the window. Unfortunately down the road it results in a high number of divorces. In my own generation, I cannot think of a single couple that was married under these circumstances and is still married (though I know some married in the mid-1960s and prior that are).

My own wife is such an example. She was previously married at 17 and later divorced. The marriage was rushed, and part of the reason she was able to receive the annulment was due to her age and the pregnancy.

The success of a marriage is directly linked to the couples commitment to each other and the vow that they made. The marriage and its success it between the couple and God. How can the priest determine if our reasons to marry are purley because of the pregnancy and therefore will not be a successful marriage. He cannot possible make this decision. How can denying us the sacrament and forcing us to get married at a courthouse making our start to our Christian marriage any better? When my fiance told his parents that we are pregnant they told us that Mark (my fiance) was actually also concieved out of wedlock and they have been in a loving catholic marriage for 30 years! I guess the only thing they did different is they didnt tell their priest.

 

[Chris_Etzel]

I have a question. My fiance and I have been engaged for 3 yrs and planned to get married this november but had to push the wedding back to spring because of financial difficulties. We have struggled with being chaste throughout our engagement and it is something that we go to confession for and really do try to avoid. However, we recently found out that we are pregnant. The first thing that came to our minds was “lets move our wedding date back to November and get married as soon as possible” not “lets get an abortion and make this go away”. In todays society, a young financially unsound couple would be told to take the morning after pill and forget about it. This is something we would never do! We contacted our home parish to see if we could move our date back to november because we had decided that we should get married sooner rather than later. Our pastor said that the date was still open and that he would even work with us on the church fees given our current financial problems. We felt so blessed. Then one week later we get a call from his assistant saying the pastor wanted to know why we needed to get married all of a sudden so quickly and asked if a pregnancy was involved. Wanting to do the Christian thing and tell the truth, my fiance answered honestly and said yes. His assistant then told us that “given the new circumstances” the pastor has said they were not totally sure if they will be able to marry us because they dont want “couples marrying for the wrong reasons” I feel crushed. If there was any religion that I felt would be OPEN TO LIFE it would be the Catholic failth. How is this child that we want to raise in the church “the wrong reason” to get married? Can they really deny us the sacrament because of this? I just feel so upset and disillusioned with the church right now. I dont this this is something Jesus would have said to us. It is just ironic because had we lied or had we just had an abortion we wouldnt be dealing with our pastor threatening us with the sacrament in this way. I just feel like this is encouraging young couples to act against the faith and encouraging bad behavior. any thoughts would be appreciated. thank you

Don’t panic! Set an appointment to go over it with your pastor. He is most likely trying to protect you two as well as the child. A newborn adds a huge new dynamic to a young marriage. Your child is not what the priest considers a ‘wrong reason’ to get married. Rushing to get married for any extenuating circumstance is dangerous. As ValPal said, it more often than not leads to divorce. We (and your priest) would never want that for you!

As somebody that has been faithfully married for 15 years with two beautiful children, I encourage you to relax , get with your priest and realize that your child is a wonderful and special gift. Your marriage should be wonderful and special, too but both in their due time.

I will say some prayers for all three of you! Congratulations on the new life you carry!

 

[SMHW]

How can denying us the sacrament and forcing us to get married at a courthouse making our start to our Christian marriage any better?

This may be part of the problem.

The Church does not consider getting married in a courthouse to be an option for you. She would consider you both remaining unmarried and caring for this child as single people until such time as she deems you ready to validly marry for life to be your only moral option.

 

[clem456]

Whatever happens, make sure you take care of job #1, having a healthy child. A child should be occasion for joy in any circumstance and not a burden. Try not to let the marriage issues detract from that, difficult as it may be. The wedding will sort itself out. Communicate with the priest, or more than one priest.

When my wife and I were married 23 years ago, I had a one year old daughter out of wedlock with different woman. A very messy and contentious situation. I don’t know how the priest saw fit to marry us. I really don’t. He gave us one session of counseling. I don’t think he knew what to say. All I can say is I thank God every day that it happened, the marriage started a domino effect of conversion for several people, my wife and I, family members. That daughter is now a good young Christian woman, and we have a son also.
The birth of child is a powerful and grace-filled experience, I can testify to that.

Out of the most difficult circumstances come the most beautiful graces, according to God’s will. Your prime example being the unwed virgin of Nazareth, Mary Our Mother. Unwed with child, married “on the quick”, going homeless, on the run from civil authorities and murderers, giving birth to Grace itself!

Trust. Be patient, it will turn out according to God’s will.

 

[robwar]

The success of a marriage is directly linked to the couples commitment to each other and the vow that they made. The marriage and its success it between the couple and God. How can the priest determine if our reasons to marry are purley because of the pregnancy and therefore will not be a successful marriage. He cannot possible make this decision. How can denying us the sacrament and forcing us to get married at a courthouse making our start to our Christian marriage any better? When my fiance told his parents that we are pregnant they told us that Mark (my fiance) was actually also concieved out of wedlock and they have been in a loving catholic marriage for 30 years! I guess the only thing they did different is they didnt tell their priest.

I am not sure when you first contacted the church to get married but there is a 6 month wait from when you first approach the priest to be married and even though you have been engaged for 3 years, the 6 month waiting does start when you contact the church to set a date to get married. Another things is that one of the biggest detriments to a successful marriage is premarital sex and the statistics for couples that live together and have sex is not good even if you know those who are successful. The priest does feel responsible to those he will marry and have it be successful lasting marriage and he probably sees the fact that both of you have had sex and now expecting a baby and now want to “move the date up” as an indicator that this marriage might not last. While getting married for the both of you would seem like the best, I am not sure why there has been a 3 years engagement and maybe the priest is considering that too. I have had priests tell me that when they have couples come to them to be married and they have been together, in order for the priest to marry they ask the couple to live apart 6 months, go to confession and try to live and succeed at having a chaste relationship before getting married. Maybe you need to talk again with this priest and discuss with him his reasoning and ask for his help to make it right in order to get married even if it is at a later date.

 

[ValPal]

The success of a marriage is directly linked to the couples commitment to each other and the vow that they made. The marriage and its success it between the couple and God. How can the priest determine if our reasons to marry are purley because of the pregnancy and therefore will not be a successful marriage. He cannot possible make this decision.

And the priest is not making that decision. The priest is simply being cautious because of the circumstances, and he should be. If you are serious about your commitment, you eventually will be allowed to be married in the Church, though maybe not on your timeline.

How can denying us the sacrament and forcing us to get married at a courthouse making our start to our Christian marriage any better?

As noted earlier, he is not denying marriage, unless he specifically stated that he will not marry you under any circumstances and to leave. He is also no forcing you to marry; outside of the Church, that’s your choice. And if you say something like this to the priest, the priest will likely seriously question your commitment to a Catholic marriage.

When my fiance told his parents that we are pregnant they told us that Mark (my fiance) was actually also concieved out of wedlock and they have been in a loving catholic marriage for 30 years! I guess the only thing they did different is they didnt tell their priest.

The Church doesn’t base their decisions on anecdotes. There is a high failure rate in rushed marriages in these situations.

FWIW, I’m not be harsh, I’m just stating facts. Marriage is taken very seriously by the Church. If you are seriously committed, your marriage will absolutely occur, though possibly not on your timeline. I recommend simply following the advice of your priest.

Please don’t go off and get married outside the Church. People like myself have done that, and it is a pain in the neck dealing with the consequences when we decide to come back to our faith.

 

[Corki]

The success of a marriage is directly linked to the couples commitment to each other and the vow that they made. The marriage and its success it between the couple and God. How can the priest determine if our reasons to marry are purley because of the pregnancy and therefore will not be a successful marriage. He cannot possible make this decision. How can denying us the sacrament and forcing us to get married at a courthouse making our start to our Christian marriage any better? When my fiance told his parents that we are pregnant they told us that Mark (my fiance) was actually also concieved out of wedlock and they have been in a loving catholic marriage for 30 years! I guess the only thing they did different is they didnt tell their priest.

The priest would not be denying the Sacrament to you – only delaying it. There are a few pieces of information missing from your posts.

The most important being you said you have been engaged for 3 years but don’t mention if you have already completed all of the pre-cana classes and counseling. If you haven’t then planning a wedding in the Church with only two months time is shorter than most priests are comfortable with even without a complication such as pregnancy. Most parishes have a 6 month required preparation time or even longer.

The fact that you would consider your second plan to go to a court house rather than simply wait for the Church wedding is a bit of a red flag - at least from the impersonal view of an internet posting. Not to mention that you have thrown out the consideration of abortion. Your priest is doing his job which is to make sure that you are properly prepared, that you truly understand what the Sacrament of Matrimony means and that you are not getting married due to any pressures that might be influencing your decision.

 

[robwar]

And the priest is not making that decision. The priest is simply being cautious because of the circumstances, and he should be. If you are serious about your commitment, you eventually will be allowed to be married in the Church, though maybe not on your timeline.

As noted earlier, he is not denying marriage, unless he specifically stated that he will not marry you under any circumstances and to leave. He is also no forcing you to marry; outside of the Church, that’s your choice. And if you say something like this to the priest, the priest will likely seriously question your commitment to a Catholic marriage.

The Church doesn’t base their decisions on anecdotes. There is a high failure rate in rushed marriages in these situations.

FWIW, I’m not be harsh, I’m just stating facts. Marriage is taken very seriously by the Church. If you are seriously committed, your marriage will absolutely occur, though possibly not on your timeline. I recommend simply following the advice of your priest.

Please don’t go off and get married outside the Church. People like myself have done that, and it is a pain in the neck dealing with the consequences when we decide to come back to our faith.

you are not harsh at all and I agree with you 100%.

 

[im1234]

The priest would not be denying the Sacrament to you – only delaying it. There are a few pieces of information missing from your posts.

The most important being you said you have been engaged for 3 years but don’t mention if you have already completed all of the pre-cana classes and counseling.
The fact that you would consider your second plan to go to a court house rather than simply wait for the Church wedding is a bit of a red flag - at least from the impersonal view of an internet posting. Not to mention that you have thrown out the consideration of abortion. QUOTE]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for taking the time to give your advice. I see many valid points and I suppose i didnt give some background. Where we are getting married the diocese has a 9 month preparation period. We have completed ALL of our pre marital preparation classes and meetings. We know this pastor personally, I worked in this church office. I took RCIA at this church . My fiance and his family painted the murals in this church. This pastor knows we are fully committed to each other and that we had all plans of getting marreid before the pregnancy. He had no objections to our motives to married before this. I DO NOT want to marry at a courthouse. I was simply saying that if the pastor is speaking on behalf of the Catholic Church saying that we are not allowed to get married at this time because of the pregnancy what other method is there other than to get married at a church of a different religion or a courthouse? Im not saying that is what I am going to do, but those are the other options. Who knows, maybe we can got to a different parish and the priest there might think we are fit to get married now. And I dont understand how some people on here expect us to wait to be married until the priest decides we are ready. How are we supposed to start a family with this child without being married and still live a catholic life and still recieve communion?. Am I to have this baby and live separately from the father so that we are not having sex or living as husband and wife until we are told it is ok to marry? How does that make any sense?
Also, I didnt throw out there that i considered abortion. In fact i said the exact opposite. I said that abortion is not and will never be an option to us. I was pointing out the fact that todays society views a baby as a “problem” or “Inconvenience” we would be told to just abort this baby and go on planning our dream wedding and bypass all this grief we are getting from the church.
I would LOVE to talk to the pastor about this personally and explain myself to him and hear him tell me his reasons for not wanting us to get married right now. However, he wont call us. we have gone through his assistant for all information. We had a call scheduled to speak with him this morning but he had his assistant call us instead to tell us this news. She told us she doesnt know when he will be available to speak with us. I understand that the priest is trying to be cautious because of statistics. But we are not a couple that got engaged a year ago and got pregnant is rushing to get married. The Catholic faith isnt about collectivism, from my understanding it is all about individual responsibilty. My fiance and I are individuals, our situation is unique, we dont fit in to a pie chart or graph and I dont appreciate the pastor treating us that way and not even having the time to speak to us personally.

 

[ValPal]

The long and short of it is that you’ll have to speak to your pastor about this. Since all marriage prep has been done, and given the length of your relationship, there hopefully won’t be undue delay.

I’d recommend giving the pastor a few days to get back to you. They’re often very busy.

 

[Lancer]

First, I think that you should change your mind and heart about the pastor or the Church being hard or uncaring… "denying sacramental marriage to you"…or … a conclusion like…*** “How is this child that we want to raise in the church “the wrong reason” to get married?”*** …its wrong headed and wrong hearted…because the Church/Bishops explicitly state (based on years and years of case experience in these situations…and most importantly deep pastoral concern for you and your potential spouse and child)…work with him…don’t be afraid or angry…cooperate with him in God’s graces.

While it is generally better for the children in a cohabiting household**** or a child to be born to a cohabiting couple to be raised in a stable marriage, this is not by itself sufficient reason for the marriage.**** While family and friends are often right to encourage marriage for a cohabiting couple, a marriage made under such pressure is problematic unless the couple chooses it for more substantial reasons
usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/marriage-preparation/cohabiting.cfm.

Second, here is what Canon Law states:

Code of Canon Law
CHAPTER I.
PASTORAL CARE AND THOSE THINGS WHICH MUST PRECEDE THE CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE

Can. 1067 The conference of bishops is to establish norms about the examination of spouses and about the marriage banns or other opportune means to accomplish the investigations necessary before marriage. After these norms have been diligently observed, the pastor can proceed to assist at the marriage.

Can. 1069 All the faithful are obliged to reveal any impediments they know about to the pastor or local ordinary before the celebration of the marriage.
vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P3W.HTM

Third, here is what** USCCB** guidelines state:

**Marriage Preparation And Cohabiting Couples

An Information Report on New Realities and Pastoral Practices**

Cohabitors can allow themselves to marry because of pressure from family and others and because of pressure to provide a stable home for children.** While it is generally better for the children in a cohabiting household or a child to be born to a cohabiting couple to be raised in a stable marriage, this is not by itself sufficient reason for the marriage**. While family and friends are often right to encourage marriage for a cohabiting couple, a marriage made under such pressure** is problematic unless the couple chooses it for more substantial reasons**. (Barber & Axinn, 1998; Wu, 1995; Mahler, 1996; Manning & Smock 1995; Teachman & Polanko, 1990)

Part Two
Pastoral Issues with Cohabiting Couples in Marriage Preparation

Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage, #45 ). For cohabiting couples, a specific goal may be added: To encourage the couple to reflect on their situation and why they decided to cohabit and to provide insights into possible consequences, factors that may present special challenges to them or put them at risk for later marital disruption. (See, for example, marriage preparation policies in the Dioceses of Rockford (1992), Sioux Falls (1988), and Peoria (1997), among others). To accomplish this second goal, the pastoral minister invites the couple to reflect on their experience of living together and its implications for sacramental marriage. The following questions (or appropriate variations), drawn from a newly developed section in FOCCUS, can be discussed:

3. What are your reasons for wanting to marry at this time? Is there any reluctance to marry? Is pressure from family or around children a major reason for marriage now?
​

​

Lastly, you really owe it to yourselves to go to the USCCB link provided and read it carefully…meet with your pastor and cooperate with him to walk through all the issues raised by your specific situation…he is on your side…let him do his ministry…trust him…more importantly trust the Church…most importantly…Trust in the Lord Jesus Christ…its His Church…not the bishop’'s nor the priest’s nor yours…and surely not mine.

Thank God that you have a priest that is genuinely concerned for you/your future spouse and child…and is trying to perform his ministries in light of obedience to the wisdom and teachings of the Church and his bishop.

God bless you for choosing life…and I pray God will bless you and your family abundantly in your future marriage.

Pax Christi

 

[SMHW]

im1234, I can’t say this this is happening in your case but it may very well be that your pastor CAN’T licitly marry you unless he has the permission of the bishop. It is possible your diocese has a policy that couples who are expecting a child cannot be married until sometime after the baby is born.

It may be that your pastor himself is not clear on the whole matter. He may not wish to speak to you until he has clear information to offer to you. I urge you to be patient.

 

[ValPal]

Second, here is what Canon Law states:

Third, here is what** USCCB** guidelines state:

It should be noted your references deal with cohabitating couples. The OP mentioned nothing of this.

 

[im1234]

im1234, I can’t say this this is happening in your case but it may very well be that your pastor CAN’T licitly marry you unless he has the permission of the bishop. It is possible your diocese has a policy that couples who are expecting a child cannot be married until sometime after the baby is born.

It may be that your pastor himself is not clear on the whole matter. He may not wish to speak to you until he has clear information to offer to you. I urge you to be patient.

you are right, I just found about this today. I will wait til I hear more detail from the pastor.

 

[Holly3278]

To me, it does not sound like they are denying you the Sacrament of Matrimony because of your pregnancy. To me, it just sounds like the priest wants to be certain that you and your fiance are getting married for the right reasons. I would schedule an appointment with him and discuss this with him.

 

[Godfollower]

To me, it does not sound like they are denying you the Sacrament of Matrimony because of your pregnancy. To me, it just sounds like the priest wants to be certain that you and your fiance are getting married for the right reasons. I would schedule an appointment with him and discuss this with him.

This.

When I read the OP, I didn’t take it to mean that the pastor was refusing to marry you; I took it to mean that he had questions based on the date being accelerated because of a pregnancy.

It’s very true: you should not get married for the wrong reasons. No one should get married for the wrong reasons. I have no problem with a pastor wanting to learn more to make sure that the marriage is happening for the right reasons rather than for the wrong ones.

It sounds to me like an appointment with the pastor is in order.

 

[Denimguy]

I hate to say this but this is a recipie for folks leaving the church. If the pastor needs to consult the bishop for dispensation to marry this couple it might be a good idea to let the couple know that is the case. I am sure that they would understand much more than the reply that was given them ( if the original post is accurate).
Being straight up with the priest shows a great deal of maturity by itself.
I realize that the priest is acting responsible for both his soul and that of his parishoners but this is just the thing that can cause “small” practical issues to turn into “big” doctrinal issues.