Can anyone help me on the existence of "God", and my bisexuality? I want to know the truth

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I’m 16 years old, and I would classify myself as bisexual. I have more of an emotional and romantic attraction towards guys and I have more of a sexual attraction towards girls. I was home schooled my whole life all the way until last year. I’m in AP classes, and to be honest, it’s just too easy. I’m never happy anymore. I’m failing almost every class now because I don’t have any self-motivation anymore. I wish I was home schooled again. I was so happy when I was home schooled. Last year, most of my teachers treated me like I was uneducated and misguided because I was home schooled. I proved them wrong. I absolutely hate being in school. They don’t even offer AP Latin or AP Japanese-- or anything that’s actually interesting. I used to be a devout and practicing Catholic, but I left the Church and converted to Atheism. I now honestly see religion as self-belief to give someone a reason to live. It feels like I have no reason to live anymore. Overall, I believe I’ve missed 8 days and school just started in August. I can’t stand it anymore. Does “God” truly exist? Is Theism real in general? I now just play video games, watch anime, read manga, (in Japanese, of course), and pretend that life doesn’t exist. I’m also convinced that I’m bipolar and that I have Multiple Personality Disorder because of how my mood changes so much. Even though I’m more attracted to females, I sort of want to be in a relationship with a male. Although I’m an Atheist, I’m trying to save my virginity for marriage-- so my first time will be more special. Please help me… I’m truly starting to wonder about monotheism and theism in general. I know what I’m typing is very long, but please, help me. I’m also very introverted and I have Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD).

Do I have good punctuation and capitalization? I’m trying. For what some English teachers have said about my capitalization and punctuation, I hear it’s very good. I’m not very self-conscious, I just like writing to be very formal. I don’t like informal writing. I’m very OCD when it comes to typing; I have to try my best to type perfectly. I can’t abbreviate whatsoever. My spelling is perfect though.
 
Can anyone that used to be an Atheist give me advice and explain why you converted to Catholicism?
 
i_need_helpp said:
Can anyone that used to be an Atheist give me advice and explain why you converted to Catholicism?
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No, I can’t help you. Always been a Catholic and never an atheist.

I’d like to understand why a 16 yr. old is dealing with such heavy stuff. Why don’t you concentrate on some fun things like your driver’s license, getting a car, going on a trip to Europe, etc. Yes, you’ve been home schooled and maybe that has hampered your ability to develop social skills. It isn’t easy going from home school into a public school. You have some catching up to do but it appears you latched onto “I’m a bisexual” AND “I’m an atheist.” Don’t make things more difficult than they already are. Teen years are tough enough. You are giving yourself an identity which is not acceptable and sinful and will not be easily erased.

Promise yourself you WILL pick a sport and be good at it (running, tennis, swimming), learn about the popular sports so you can at least understand the game (basketball, football, baseball), continue with your Latin and/or Japanese, plan a trip abroad for when you are 18, smile, develop a sense of humor, work at being kind, and get a date for the junior prom.
 
Hello there,

I’ll be praying for you in your time of distress.

As a former atheist who progressed by degrees toward Catholicism (first to agnosticism, then to deism, finally to Catholicism), I don’t have a special conversion story. I was simply convinced by the logical arguments for God’s existence, and thereby the logical arguments for the divinity of Christ, and thereby the logical arguments for the ecclesiastical authority of the Church.

Bear in mind that statements like “life has no meaning” are propositions: they either have truth value or they don’t, and your subjective opinions have no bearing on that fact. So the best place to begin (as it was for me) is to convince yourself rationally of the truth or falseness of God’s existence, and then let the feelings of conviction follow later.

A good place to begin (I recommend this book constantly) is Edward Feser’s The Last Superstition. The superstition to which he is referring is modern atheism and his arguments against it are rigidly rational and syllogistic; he’s a bit polemical but you shouldn’t let that color your perceptions of his arguments. Simply put, there are good reasons to believe God exists, and the only way to arrive at the conclusion that He doesn’t is to embrace nonsensical premises (i.e., nominalism). Read it. Near the end of the book, Feser includes a few references to other works that may guide you toward Catholicism, having been convinced of theism in general; read those, too.
 
While I have no doubt that you suffer from OCD and likely have some social anxiety disorder (and trust me here) – it is very unlikely you have multiple personality disorder as well. I sincerely doubt it; it’s so rare. But, that you have come up with this is the OCD speaking. MPD is not moodiness; it’s not even close.

You are ruminating (very much a part of OCD). I agree with the poster who said focus on getting out, finding an activity and becoming good at it. Look forward to the future and those upcoming events and milestones that come with growing up.

You are too inwardly focused on creating labels for yourself. The Church teaches that you cannot reduce people to labels, so even if you no longer believe in the Church, you are still trying, through this rumination process, to reduce yourself by labeling yourself.

This is not a condemnation, but ask yourself when this began or when it became worse?

By the way, OCD is controllable by thought process. You can will yourself not to repeat behaviors. It’s a matter of confronting one manifestation and refusing to give in. I used to check locks. At some point you say to yourself, "I am going to the door, and I am locking it (say it to yourself) and refuse to get up and check again because you have told yourself that the door is locked. Same for homework or a paper. You have written the paper, you have checked and edited. At some reasonable point, you tell yourself what you have done and refuse to continue to examine it. These are only intended as examples. You pick one obsessive behavior and talk to yourself as you complete it. Convince yourself it is done. It’s matter of reeducating yourself and your thinking.

And don’t be so hard on yourself. Your typing, capitilization and punctuation are better than mine.
 
Just to tell you i care and i’m praying for you. God loves you too much. Peace.
Don’t make any decision just yet just know that even though you don’t believe in him, he is in control.
 
Your in my prayers, I could say based upon my experience going through those times when I went through that stage in my life, which wasn’t easy, is don’t “think” too much. Don’t let your mind take over your soul, start to look beyond your intellect and your senses, there is more. The fact of existence of God is there is no sceintific fact there isn’t a God. Also, keep in mind billions people in this world do "beleive " in a higher being, in our case as a Catholic, we beleive in God and Jesus our savior so we can go to the next “true” world, which is heaven. Hang in there, try to go to a Catholic church where you can sit front of the tarbunacal silently, see if you get some peace there, also would recommend to see a priest in one of the churches in your area, there just as good as a psychologist and can’t share anything with anyone, see if he can give you some direction.
God is there and loves you, just seek him out
 
Yes, I can relate perfectly. I was not home-schooled, but also found high-school way too easy. I also left Christianity in my teens and became an atheist, and I also had/have bisexual attractions. I understand the thing about social anxieties, and the thing about being OCD about spelling/typing/etc. I’d love to help, because I know that it’s not as simple as focusing on superficial junk until you’re “old enough” to deal with the deep issues. I tried that one, and it was a one-way trip to severe depression and self-destruction. Truth is, sometimes people who are sixteen just have this stuff dumped on them, and you have to deal with it because otherwise it will kill you.
You’ve got so many things that you’re asking about, and I could probably write a book in response…actually, have written a book 🙂 (Sexual Authenticity, from OSV Press, if you’re interested), but I’d really like to know what the most pressing things are because I’ve been where you’re hanging, and I know that it’s hard.
Hang in there love,

Melinda
 
Leegal said:
While I have no doubt that you suffer from OCD and likely have some social anxiety disorder (and trust me here) – it is very unlikely you have multiple personality disorder as well. I sincerely doubt it; it’s so rare. But, that you have come up with this is the OCD speaking. MPD is not moodiness; it’s not even close.

You are ruminating (very much a part of OCD). I agree with the poster who said focus on getting out, finding an activity and becoming good at it. Look forward to the future and those upcoming events and milestones that come with growing up.

You are too inwardly focused on creating labels for yourself. The Church teaches that you cannot reduce people to labels, so even if you no longer believe in the Church, you are still trying, through this rumination process, to reduce yourself by labeling yourself.

This is not a condemnation, but ask yourself when this began or when it became worse?

By the way, OCD is controllable by thought process. You can will yourself not to repeat behaviors. It’s a matter of confronting one manifestation and refusing to give in. I used to check locks. At some point you say to yourself, "I am going to the door, and I am locking it (say it to yourself) and refuse to get up and check again because you have told yourself that the door is locked. Same for homework or a paper. You have written the paper, you have checked and edited. At some reasonable point, you tell yourself what you have done and refuse to continue to examine it. These are only intended as examples. You pick one obsessive behavior and talk to yourself as you complete it. Convince yourself it is done. It’s matter of reeducating yourself and your thinking.

And don’t be so hard on yourself. Your typing, capitilization and punctuation are better than mine.
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When I said “moods,” I meant personalities. Sorry. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t, honestly. Some days, I’m a destructive narcissist, believe that I can conquer all, etc. I don’t know. I just know that my dad has MPD, and so does my mom, I believe. My parents are also divorced and my dad wants nothing to do with me.
 
aicirt said:
No, I can’t help you. Always been a Catholic and never an atheist.

I’d like to understand why a 16 yr. old is dealing with such heavy stuff. Why don’t you concentrate on some fun things like your driver’s license, getting a car, going on a trip to Europe, etc. Yes, you’ve been home schooled and maybe that has hampered your ability to develop social skills. It isn’t easy going from home school into a public school. You have some catching up to do but it appears you latched onto “I’m a bisexual” AND “I’m an atheist.” Don’t make things more difficult than they already are. Teen years are tough enough. You are giving yourself an identity which is not acceptable and sinful and will not be easily erased.

Promise yourself you WILL pick a sport and be good at it (running, tennis, swimming), learn about the popular sports so you can at least understand the game (basketball, football, baseball), continue with your Latin and/or Japanese, plan a trip abroad for when you are 18, smile, develop a sense of humor, work at being kind, and get a date for the junior prom.
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You see, I’m losing attraction towards most girls, to be honest. I’m not socially handicapped – in fact, I know how to socialize, it’s just that I’m a very introverted person. I’m really not into sports anymore. It’s not like I was confined into a dungeon for all of my life and this is the first time I’ve ever seen pubescent humans – or humanity in general. 😛 Just messing with you.
 
It seems you are thinking about a great many things! I will pray for you.

Do you think perhaps you would be comfortable talking to a priest about these things? You say you are introverted, so I know that might seem like a tall order, but I think that a priest would be in a better position to offer you useful advice than most of us anonymous internet posters. It’s something to consider in any case. I’d say “talk to your parents about it”, which is good advice, but I know the kind of reaction I would have had to such an idea at your age. (“Thanks, but are you crazy?!” :o)

Looking back, I think 16 was one of the hardest years of my life. My childhood was pretty insulated. Not that my parents actively sheltered me. They didn’t. But nothing that bad really happened and I was sort of oblivious to anything bad in the world around me. When I was 16, that all began to change. It was the proverbial scales falling from my eyes. Where before I saw fields of pure white snow, I now only saw gray, dirt-encrusted slush on the side of the road. I never went so far as abandoning faith in God altogether, but it did initiate a period of strong doubt in Jesus’ divinity and the Catholic Church.

I know that, when I was your age, it drove me crazy when people (like my English teacher) would make comments like, “Kids your age only think about trivial things like school dances and driver’s licenses – unlike us older people who occasionally ponder the questions of the ages.” It struck me as condescending and really pushed me deeper into my introverted thought bubble thinking that adults really have no idea what they are talking about. There’s nothing wrong with being a deep thinker. But there are pitfalls to watch out for (just as there are pitfalls in being a shallow thinker ;)).

One of the things that really helped me was changing my perspective towards other people. I had come to be quite cynical in seeing sin and evil everywhere I looked and in every action. One day, it just hit me that I was better off giving people the benefit of the doubt rather than the doubt of their benefit.

As condescending as it sounds, “Lighten up” is actually really good advice. It took me years to learn that life lesson that people put on bumper stickers and inside fortune cookies. It was a lesson in humility to realize that what I had dismissed as “too easy” was actually the best answer all along.

One of the great lies of the present age is that only what is serious and depressing could possibly be true. I see this in academia all the time. Optimists are shunned as ignorant or hopelessly naïve. But that’s just the opposite end of the pendulum swing. Just because our Catholic faith offers us hope and joy does not mean that it isn’t true.

Yes, there are many evils and ills in the world. Yes, there are many serious problems everywhere. But we should never take ourselves that seriously. The great saints were people that knew how to laugh. We don’t need to whitewash the bad things of this world. We don’t need to ignore the horrors we encounter everyday. But to lose our sense of humor is to surrender all control of our life to those things. There’s no happiness down that road.

I don’t know if any of this resonates with you or not. If not, then just disregard. It does get better, though. The high school years can be brutal, especially for introverts.

If you’re looking for an explanation as to why anyone with even an average IQ would actually take this God stuff seriously, I recommend Dr. Peter Kreekt’s book Yes or No?: Straight Answers to Tough Questions about Christianity. I’m sure it doesn’t have the same effect on everybody, but that’s the book that really helped me settle many of my burning questions. Of course, this only came after I encountered a strong, vibrant community of faith-filled, intelligent Catholics. As difficult as it is for us introverts, the communal aspect of the Church is important. No man is an island.

God bless!
 
Melinda_Selmys said:
Yes, I can relate perfectly. I was not home-schooled, but also found high-school way too easy. I also left Christianity in my teens and became an atheist, and I also had/have bisexual attractions. I understand the thing about social anxieties, and the thing about being OCD about spelling/typing/etc. I’d love to help, because I know that it’s not as simple as focusing on superficial junk until you’re “old enough” to deal with the deep issues. I tried that one, and it was a one-way trip to severe depression and self-destruction. Truth is, sometimes people who are sixteen just have this stuff dumped on them, and you have to deal with it because otherwise it will kill you.
You’ve got so many things that you’re asking about, and I could probably write a book in response…actually, have written a book 🙂 (Sexual Authenticity, from OSV Press, if you’re interested), but I’d really like to know what the most pressing things are because I’ve been where you’re hanging, and I know that it’s hard.
Hang in there love,

Melinda
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What made you denounce your atheistic beliefs and renounce yourself in the Catholic Church?
 
i_need_helpp said:
You see, I’m losing attraction towards most girls, to be honest. I’m not socially handicapped – in fact, I know how to socialize, it’s just that I’m a very introverted person. I’m really not into sports anymore. It’s not like I was confined into a dungeon for all of my life and this is the first time I’ve ever seen pubescent humans – or humanity in general. 😛 Just messing with you.
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Ah…messing with me…shows sense of humor. Chortling over picture of you emerging from the dungeon…ever chortle? glad to see you’re working on my list. Keep it up. :ballspin: (I can’t do that…can you?)
 
Joe_5859 said:
It seems you are thinking about a great many things! I will pray for you.

Do you think perhaps you would be comfortable talking to a priest about these things? You say you are introverted, so I know that might seem like a tall order, but I think that a priest would be in a better position to offer you useful advice than most of us anonymous internet posters. It’s something to consider in any case. I’d say “talk to your parents about it”, which is good advice, but I know the kind of reaction I would have had to such an idea at your age. (“Thanks, but are you crazy?!” :o)

Looking back, I think 16 was one of the hardest years of my life. My childhood was pretty insulated. Not that my parents actively sheltered me. They didn’t. But nothing that bad really happened and I was sort of oblivious to anything bad in the world around me. When I was 16, that all began to change. It was the proverbial scales falling from my eyes. Where before I saw fields of pure white snow, I now only saw gray, dirt-encrusted slush on the side of the road. I never went so far as abandoning faith in God altogether, but it did initiate a period of strong doubt in Jesus’ divinity and the Catholic Church.

I know that, when I was your age, it drove me crazy when people (like my English teacher) would make comments like, “Kids your age only think about trivial things like school dances and driver’s licenses – unlike us older people who occasionally ponder the questions of the ages.” It struck me as condescending and really pushed me deeper into my introverted thought bubble thinking that adults really have no idea what they are talking about. There’s nothing wrong with being a deep thinker. But there are pitfalls to watch out for (just as there are pitfalls in being a shallow thinker ;)).

One of the things that really helped me was changing my perspective towards other people. I had come to be quite cynical in seeing sin and evil everywhere I looked and in every action. One day, it just hit me that I was better off giving people the benefit of the doubt rather than the doubt of their benefit.

As condescending as it sounds, “Lighten up” is actually really good advice. It took me years to learn that life lesson that people put on bumper stickers and inside fortune cookies. It was a lesson in humility to realize that what I had dismissed as “too easy” was actually the best answer all along.

One of the great lies of the present age is that only what is serious and depressing could possibly be true. I see this in academia all the time. Optimists are shunned as ignorant or hopelessly naïve. But that’s just the opposite end of the pendulum swing. Just because our Catholic faith offers us hope and joy does not mean that it isn’t true.

Yes, there are many evils and ills in the world. Yes, there are many serious problems everywhere. But we should never take ourselves that seriously. The great saints were people that knew how to laugh. We don’t need to whitewash the bad things of this world. We don’t need to ignore the horrors we encounter everyday. But to lose our sense of humor is to surrender all control of our life to those things. There’s no happiness down that road.

I don’t know if any of this resonates with you or not. If not, then just disregard. It does get better, though. The high school years can be brutal, especially for introverts.

If you’re looking for an explanation as to why anyone with even an average IQ would actually take this God stuff seriously, I recommend Dr. Peter Kreekt’s book Yes or No?: Straight Answers to Tough Questions about Christianity. I’m sure it doesn’t have the same effect on everybody, but that’s the book that really helped me settle many of my burning questions. Of course, this only came after I encountered a strong, vibrant community of faith-filled, intelligent Catholics. As difficult as it is for us introverts, the communal aspect of the Church is important. No man is an island.

God bless!
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I honestly don’t see introversion as a bad thing, it’s kept me out of trouble. 😛 I don’t like being really social. There’s only girl I truly love – and she’s in Canada at the moment. What should I do? We’re exactly alike. She’s literally my female counterpart. We have so much in common, it’s unreal. We’ve helped each other a lot. I’d love to be in Canada with her, but I can’t be there at the moment. She’s the only girl that actually makes me nervous. XD It’s weird.

it’s like I’m losing attraction to most girls in general. Honestly, I would love to be on an island… just me, and no one else. I do love her though. She’s about to be 18, and I’m about to turn 17. She’s the only girl that has never mistreated me. I’ll admit-- I’m 16-- never kissed a girl, and still a virgin. But I think of it as a good thing. Why does she have to be in Canada at the moment? Why? We used to Skype for a good 10 hours a day every day. 🙂 She talked me out of killing myself, actually, but those feelings are back once again… I’m still skeptical about “God” though. If “God” does exist, did he put this person in my life? She’s literally identical to me… I get along with her so well, it’s unreal. She’s actually the only girl that’s actually ever got me attention, and she’s the only girl I’ve ever met that plays video games as much as me. 🙂 I love it! She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, and I care deeply for her.

Also, the reason why I want to go into homeschooling again is because I want to get my diploma faster. I used to do my classwork 7 days a week and when I started public schooling, my mom NEVER SPOKE ABOUT MY TRANSCRIPT and they pushed me back. I want to go into the military as soon as I can because I also hate being at home.
 
Hello! Here are two articles you should read before you decide important questions about your sexuality.

catholiceducation.org/articles/homosexuality/ho0087.html

catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/ho0039.html

I was a Protestant, agnostic, atheist in that order. I finally realized that the notion that the universe made itself is absurd. Catholicism is a logical belief system; Protestantism is not. All the great religions of the world are man-made; Protestantism is man-made. The Catholic religion is God-made.
 
It’d be silly to deny that religion has utility in life. People regularly organize themselves around one particular faith or another, and consider their lives better spent for it.

That said, one concern I have are your self-professed psychological issues. If these are more than just the typical teenage angst, then I would have my doubts that adherence to faith will be helpful to you. Another concern is your sexual orientation, which by the sound of it, seems to be somewhat in flux. Some people find ways to manage being a believing Christian while being gay or bi, but others live in the face of an inner conflict between the standards set by their faith and their nature as human beings. Without knowing you, it’s impossible to tell how you would handle it, but it’s worth considering, IMO.
 
i_need_helpp said:
I honestly don’t see introversion as a bad thing, it’s kept me out of trouble. 😛 I don’t like being really social. There’s only girl I truly love – and she’s in Canada at the moment. What should I do? We’re exactly alike. She’s literally my female counterpart. We have so much in common, it’s unreal. We’ve helped each other a lot. I’d love to be in Canada with her, but I can’t be there at the moment. She’s the only girl that actually makes me nervous. XD It’s weird.

it’s like I’m losing attraction to most girls in general. Honestly, I would love to be on an island… just me, and no one else. I do love her though. She’s about to be 18, and I’m about to turn 17. She’s the only girl that has never mistreated me. I’ll admit-- I’m 16-- never kissed a girl, and still a virgin. But I think of it as a good thing. Why does she have to be in Canada at the moment? Why? We used to Skype for a good 10 hours a day every day. 🙂 She talked me out of killing myself, actually, but those feelings are back once again… I’m still skeptical about “God” though. If “God” does exist, did he put this person in my life? She’s literally identical to me… I get along with her so well, it’s unreal. She’s actually the only girl that’s actually ever got me attention, and she’s the only girl I’ve ever met that plays video games as much as me. 🙂 I love it! She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, and I care deeply for her.

Also, the reason why I want to go into homeschooling again is because I want to get my diploma faster. I used to do my classwork 7 days a week and when I started public schooling, my mom NEVER SPOKE ABOUT MY TRANSCRIPT and they pushed me back. I want to go into the military as soon as I can because I also hate being at home.
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I didn’t mean to imply that introversion is a bad thing. I’m an introvert, too. Like any other personality trait, it comes with its own set of advantages and challenges.

So there is a girl in the picture? 😉 I don’t think I can really give you relationship advice. 😛 Don’t be afraid to be patient, though. Time passes more slowly for the young, but you’ll be in your 20s before you know it. I feel like I was 16 going on 17 just yesterday, but now I’m twice that. :o
 
Take it one day at a time. I can tell you I found my soul mate when I was 14 seven years later we were married. For my teen years I truly was not interested in other boys. My best friend was the same and we hung out together. People even asked our mothers if they were worried about our disinterest in boys and our friendship with one another.
It is now almost 44 years later and I am still only attracted to my husband. I truly believe that human beings have been designed and blessed by GOD to find the right mate. One man and one woman for life. Just don’t rush it.
 
Also, please be aware that this is not the place to be asking for medical or psychiatric advice – none of us (to my knowledge) are qualified to give it. You should consult a physician or psychiatrist.
 
i need helpp,

Pawn some video games and get on a bus to Canada – it’s nicer up here anyways 🙂
Don’t worry about the bisexuality thing, or dwindling attractions to girls generally, if you’ve found the one, you’ve found her. Let neither Hell nor high water get in the way. I was in very much the same position albeit reversed, i.e. not attracted to men generally, and increasingly less attracted to them over time, but then there was this one guy who I felt totally different about. We used to literally fall asleep on the phone talking to each other through the night, and we could talk about anything. We’ve been married 11 years now, and it’s still like that – I can even talk to him about being gender-confused and he doesn’t mind :o The point is, I realize that the part you’re going through now where you’re lonely and separated and too young to have complete control over your destiny is really intensely, and sometimes suicidally frustrating, but it does eventually come to an end.

Okay, w/r/t the whole atheism thing… The actual way that I got over it was to read Kierkegard’s Fear and Trembling, Dostoyevski’s Brother’s Karamazov, and Thomas Merton’s Seven Story Mountain, all of them fascinating and beautiful books. I also had a Druid sorcerer pose a Zen koan for me that was really eye-opening, which isn’t a part of your typical conversion story…
I’ll try to synthesize down what I got out of all of that. Basically, you have the fact of a marvelously ordered, bizarre, improbable, wildly beautiful universe. You have the experience of it seeming to be replete with meanings, the sense that there’s a sort of electrified field of significance humming away beneath all of the banal surfaces, and that if you peeled it all back you would find something incomparable and mind-blowing. I could never get away from that, no matter how hard I tried to be an atheist. The overwhelming testimony of the beautiful kept making me think “This has to be the product of something, of an intentional mind, of someone who really cares enough to bother painting the backs of individual beatles, someone who takes the time to paint and repaint the skyscape every morning so that every conceivable variation gets played out. This has to be someone’s magnum opus.” That in and of itself wasn’t enough, but it was certainly always there, playing in the background.
The second theme was that of faith. I realized at some point that the foundational starting point for any kind of belief is faith. A system cannot prove itself from within itself, it always has to refer to something outside of the system in order to obtain its own validation. So, for example, you can reasonably prove that it is reasonable to think and behave reasonably, but you can’t reasonably prove it without relying on the presumption that rational proofs have some sort of persuasive force in the first place. You can show experimental evidence for the validity of science, but you can’t prove experimentally that experimental evidence is valid. At the bottom of every knowledge system there’s an aporia, a hole in the reasoning where it turns back in and becomes self-referential. The only way to get out of this is by transcending the systems, by getting outside, by escaping from reason, sense, language, out into the darkness. By taking a leap of faith. Only through faith is knowledge or purpose of any kind possible. The options are absolute darkness, without anything on the other side of it, or else a willful decision to believe in things like Beauty, Truth, Goodness, Meaning, etc. As soon as I realized this I realized that the decision was one between total nihilism (a philosophy which I’d tried, and which drove me towards suicide), or some sort of transcendent and absolute foundation for Being. A transcendent Being, outside of all systems, which vouchsafed the existence of Goodness, Beauty and Truth…that sounded to me like God. Moreover, I realized that there’s just no reason to reject the proposition. If the “truth” is that truth is irrelevant, that goodness doesn’t exist, that beauty is just taste, and that human life is a meaningless accident, then the best thing to do, if you want to ensure your psychological survival, is to escape into a fantasy world where God exists and life has meaning. If God does exist, then the best thing to do is to know, love and serve Him. Either way, faith in God is a win-win proposition.
Finally there was the fact that when I tried to make that leap of faith, out into the darkness, I found someone waiting there. God isn’t just a proposition, He’s a person, so you can meet Him, and get to know Him, and experience Him. For me, this took three months of praying every day, two or three times a day, for God to reveal Himself. In retrospect, I can see that He showed Himself to me a lot earlier than I noticed: it’s not so much that He was tardy in answering my prayer, as that I was a little slow on the uptake. But His presence is something that I keep returning to. He’s so beautiful, and so much more than anything that I could have imagined Him being. It’s like the ocean or the stars, something that just goes on and on, with depths that you could never hope to plumb. Only He’s the one who made the ocean and the stars, so in comparison to Him those things are finite and totally contained.
Hope that helps. Please ask about anything that doesn’t make sense 🙂
 
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