Feelings of bisexual and homosexual tendencies are usually preceded by feelings of inadequacy. It is not necessary that one actually be rejected by someone else, only that they feel inadequate in some way. The feelings of sexual identity follow.
Our sense of self-determination and identity is informed just as the human person is being formed. On the occasion that a child experiences a change in relationship with some parent, and this can come about through “mere perception” and not by an actual event, one must keep in mind that the single most important sense of a child is the feeling of acceptance, and that sense is incontainable. It is so that the self will seek identification by whatever means available, and when perceived rejection occurs in one place, perceived acceptance will occur in some other place. Without a sense of purpose or meaning in life, the ways in which this occur are innumerable.
As for the existence of God, ask yourself, what would it take to “be” God?
And following those answers, ask also, what purpose is there for God? If God pre-exists humans because God is incontainable by time time or space, then it follows that God’s existence, in himself, is not solely for our sake. But what else? What else is equally transcendent of both time and space? I can only think of one thing not contained by time or space, Love.
Of course, the Bible says that God is Love, but if you’re not a believer, then should that convince you? I am only saying that logically speaking, only God and Love transcend time and space. And I add that the Bible says they are the same.
But if God is Love, then for many people what necessarily follows is the question and problem of pain. Why, if God is Love, does pain exist? Why evil?
Can God, if he is God, deny himself? No. Not logically anyways. Why should he defeat himself? Why should he even attempt to?
So, how do we reconcile God and pain? Well, for most people, the only conclusion they can come to, is the logical one, that some purpose must exist for pain.
What could that be? How could it be for our benefit? It could only be for our benefit if we were worth to God a far greater love than any we have experienced or even imagined.
But how, if we have this sense of rejection or inadequacy could we realize this great love which is supposed to be so unfailing?
We cannot until we make the conscious decision not to allow our feelings to turn us inward on ourselves. But realize that when we open ourselves to the kind of God which this supposed God supposedly intends for us. Then and only then can love be free to come into to us, and fulfill us. We must assent to donate ourselves, whole body and whole mind, to that kind of love which God intends for us.
In the same way that “other” groups try to ask us to be “open-minded” to their view, why not be open minded and open hearted to that one eternal gift which leads us into his eternal presence? If we call ourselves enlightened and scientific, then doesn’t God deserve that equal opportunity? For the sake of scientific pursuit?
I’d say that he does. But there is a condition to this pursuit: there is no half-assing it. It has to be complete.
The promise is this: that a) without God you will never feel whole or adequate, and thus, you will never find in love that which you were meant to find, and b) with God, all things are fulfilled, you will be as whole and complete with the smallest gestures of kindness as with the greatest acts of sacrifice. Your love will be magnified more than it is possible to imagine!!
So all I’m saying is try it. You’re 16, there is time for this. And while you are giving God a chance, I think it would be wise to seek out a priest who can counsel you at the same time. You’ve obviously had certain formative experiences which are preventing you from being completely open to God and these are having a psychological effect, but that can be overcome. Have confidence in that!
You are not who you are. You are who you will. And I’m guessing that since you’ve taken the effort already to write out your thoughts here, that you are a good person, and a person capable of great love!
You came here, you’re on a great path!
Godspeed
Definitely not.
