Can anyone relate re:Catholic school?

[1990Domer]

Hi Everyone!

Can anybody else relate to the situation I found myself in with DH? From those who remember me as 90Domer, my son was diagnosed at age 3 on the autism spectrum. His prognosis at the time was not great. However, with prayer, sacrifice and therapy, my son was able to be mainstreamed in school. We finally achieved our dream of sending him to parish Catholic school.

Going into the situation, the school seemed supportive of him and accepting of the fact that he had some learning differences and was quirky. While fifth grade wasn’t too bad, this past year was horrible. The school combined the two fifth grades into one sixth grade. It was a disaster, as many of these kids attended school with each other since first grade. Not one kid from his class would befriend my son. The teasing/unkindness/isolation was horrible. Kids in the eighth grade saw what was going on and tried to make things tolerable. Since it was a sacramental year (Confirmation), I wanted DS to stick out the school year. He did, and we are cyber schooling him until high school. We believe we have found a non-diocesan high school that will suit his disability.

We tried working so hard with the staff to help our son. Sadly, I think the parents of most of his classmates were none too happy that I was making waves. Honestly, many of the kids in his class were spoiled brats who wanted nothing to do with the Catholic faith. One classmate started a rumor that my DS was gay because he was discerning a vocation!



Has anyone else here seen or heard of this experience? I am so sad and disappointed. This was the first time I really started to doubt my faith.

Thank you and God bless.

90Domer

 

[Catholic1954]

Sounds like my experience of Catholic school, many, many years ago. These things happen and thank you for removing your child from that school. Nothing would be gained from sending him back for another year of misery. You can only pray that someday these kids will grow up and realize how badly they treated their classmate and seek some kind of reconciliation.

 

[1990Domer]

@Catholic1954, through tears I also told my son that his classmates missed out on getting to know a pretty special boy. Sadly, the kids from his public school (when he needed more services) have always been kind and accepting of him. I pray for his former sixth grade classmates, as I fear they will not grow up to be kind people.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am terribly sorry for all the pain your son went through. However, I find it curious that it is making you doubt your faith ! It is a well known fact that bullying goes on in school and it starts to get bad as kid reach puberty. I am sure a lot of the other kids were bullied as well you simply did not hear about it.

 

[Saber_Mom]

Middle school kids are mean, but there is absolutely no excuse for those kids to bully your son like that especially in a Catholic school.

 

[lax16]

Hi Everyone!

Can anybody else relate to the situation I found myself in with DH? From those who remember me as 90Domer, my son was diagnosed at age 3 on the autism spectrum. His prognosis at the time was not great. However, with prayer, sacrifice and therapy, my son was able to be mainstreamed in school. We finally achieved our dream of sending him to parish Catholic school.

Going into the situation, the school seemed supportive of him and accepting of the fact that he had some learning differences and was quirky. While fifth grade wasn’t too bad, this past year was horrible. The school combined the two fifth grades into one sixth grade. It was a disaster, as many of these kids attended school with each other since first grade. Not one kid from his class would befriend my son. The teasing/unkindness/isolation was horrible. Kids in the eighth grade saw what was going on and tried to make things tolerable. Since it was a sacramental year (Confirmation), I wanted DS to stick out the school year. He did, and we are cyber schooling him until high school. We believe we have found a non-diocesan high school that will suit his disability.

We tried working so hard with the staff to help our son. Sadly, I think the parents of most of his classmates were none too happy that I was making waves. Honestly, many of the kids in his class were spoiled brats who wanted nothing to do with the Catholic faith. One classmate started a rumor that my DS was gay because he was discerning a vocation!



Has anyone else here seen or heard of this experience? I am so sad and disappointed. This was the first time I really started to doubt my faith.

Thank you and God bless.

90Domer

I am so sorry to hear this has happened to your family!

This situation is very similar to what happened to another family I know. The mother moved the son around to a different school every year until settling on a very, very small Christian school.

The down side of this story is the family is no longer Catholic. The up side is the young man is now going to be a junior and is doing really well.

The problem is, as you stated, many families in Catholic schools are not practicing the faith. I would consider looking for a Catholic home school group in your area or see if there are activities where your son might meet friends outside of school. Fencing works well for some kids who don’t want to participate in team sports.

Please remember, we are not Catholic because of people, but because it is the church started by Jesus Christ. As a mother of four, I have had to remind myself ( and my husband) of this numerous times. I know this is heartbreaking and I pray you find a solution.

 

[1990Domer]

I am terribly sorry for all the pain your son went through. However, I find it curious that it is making you doubt your faith ! It is a well known fact that bullying goes on in school and it starts to get bad as kid reach puberty. I am sure a lot of the other kids were bullied as well you simply did not hear about it.

I agree, but, by school law, I wasn’t allowed to hear about it. My son is in a protected legal class since he is on the autism spectrum. There are legal right afforded to him, which includes going to school is a protected environment.

My faith came into doubt when nasty rumors were running rampant around the school about my son without anyone acting to squash the rumors. All, one of the teachers referred to my son as one of “those kids.”

My son would be considered one of “the least of us.” I guess what I should have said that I doubt my faith in the Catholic education system, save for a scant few non-parish schools.

Personally, just because other kids were also bullied does not make the action any easier to take. It means the school has lost disciplinary control…and is wrong across the board.

 

[1990Domer]

I am so sorry to hear this has happened to your family!

This situation is very similar to what happened to another family I know. The mother moved the son around to a different school every year until settling on a very, very small Christian school.

The down side of this story is the family is no longer Catholic. The up side is the young man is now going to be a junior and is doing really well.

The problem is, as you stated, many families in Catholic schools are not practicing the faith. I would consider looking for a Catholic home school group in your area or see if there are activities where your son might meet friends outside of school. Fencing works well for some kids who don’t want to participate in team sports.

Please remember, we are not Catholic because of people, but because it is the church started by Jesus Christ. As a mother of four, I have had to remind myself ( and my husband) of this numerous times. I know this is heartbreaking and I pray you find a solution.

You are absolutely correct. Thank you for keeping me grounded. God bless.

 

[Antegin]

Firstly, you were incredibly brave for trying to mainstream your child in a Catholic school.

Secondly, middle school kids are just evil. High school kids just a little less so. In my experience, Catholic children not being supervised by their parents can be more evil than public school children (except for the school shooters who always seem to be public school. )

Finally, I was not disabled but when I graduated from Catholic grade school and went to public school, I flourished. Catholic school is great if you are average. If you are disabled or talented and gifted, the small size of most schools preclude getting the extremes the extra attention they need.

 

[Viki63]

I’m sorry you went through this. We had a somewhat similar situation: my two youngest kids, who were adopted, attended Catholic school. My son was asked to leave because of his ADD and learning disability, because the school felt he could get better services in a public school. It did not turn out well; he never finished high school.
My daughter became a bully and began stealing; we took her out of the school. (She didn’t learn those behaviors at home!). She finally finished eighth grade in a Lutheran school, and did well there.
Kids go through all kinds of difficulties growing up, and classmates can often hinder more than help. Being in a Catholic school is no cureall. Teachers are only human and not all teachers in Catholic schools are dedicated Catholics, sadly.
As Antegin says, small schools with limited funds can’t really supply the attention that the gifted or disabled kids need.

.

 

[Regina7]

I can relate. There are three Catholic grade schools in a 20- mile radius. The first, which my kids attended for 3 years, has dedicated Catholic teachers. However, there is serious money at that school and a lot of entitlement (e.g. Parent who bought the school a $300 K playground said her bully kid should not be getting a detention). The second school, where we lasted a year, was in a poor school district so most families were simply looking for a good education, not Catholic teaching. The school attached to our parish is also in a poor school system. Most of these teachers are fresh out of college and are only interested in gaining experience to move on.

As I’ve talked with more people, I’ve found that many Catholic schools are a host of the above problems.

OP, have you thought of homeschooling? My special ed son is finally getting the education he deserves (and it’s Catholic!). I never thought I could homeschool but it’s been the best thing for me and my kids.

God bless!

 

[1990Domer]

I can relate. There are three Catholic grade schools in a 20- mile radius. The first, which my kids attended for 3 years, has dedicated Catholic teachers. However, there is serious money at that school and a lot of entitlement (e.g. Parent who bought the school a $300 K playground said her bully kid should not be getting a detention). The second school, where we lasted a year, was in a poor school district so most families were simply looking for a good education, not Catholic teaching. The school attached to our parish is also in a poor school system. Most of these teachers are fresh out of college and are only interested in gaining experience to move on.

As I’ve talked with more people, I’ve found that many Catholic schools are a host of the above problems.

OP, have you thought of homeschooling? My special ed son is finally getting the education he deserves (and it’s Catholic!). I never thought I could homeschool but it’s been the best thing for me and my kids.

God bless!

@Regina7 Yes, we are homeschooling. Actually, it is cyber schooling because I need the structure of a teaching lesson. Plus, since we will be re-enrolled in our district, my son can participate in any of the district clubs (band) or sports (track) that they offer. I know those two he’s interested in. He is a bright kid, so I know he will get his assignments completed much more quickly than if he was in a brick and mortar school.

We will supplement his religious Ed (since he made his Confirmation, there is no more formal religious Ed unless he attends Catholic school). This will also make it more flexible for him to see his social skills therapist.

I think this will work best for him for seventh and eighth grade. Our hopes are to send him to an all boys Catholic HS that has a program for kids with learning differences. It is a large Christian brothers school with a great reputation for helping kids like mine.

God bless!

 

[Xantippe]

Hi Everyone!

Can anybody else relate to the situation I found myself in with DH? From those who remember me as 90Domer, my son was diagnosed at age 3 on the autism spectrum. His prognosis at the time was not great. However, with prayer, sacrifice and therapy, my son was able to be mainstreamed in school. We finally achieved our dream of sending him to parish Catholic school.

Going into the situation, the school seemed supportive of him and accepting of the fact that he had some learning differences and was quirky. While fifth grade wasn’t too bad, this past year was horrible. The school combined the two fifth grades into one sixth grade. It was a disaster, as many of these kids attended school with each other since first grade. Not one kid from his class would befriend my son. The teasing/unkindness/isolation was horrible. Kids in the eighth grade saw what was going on and tried to make things tolerable. Since it was a sacramental year (Confirmation), I wanted DS to stick out the school year. He did, and we are cyber schooling him until high school. We believe we have found a non-diocesan high school that will suit his disability.

We tried working so hard with the staff to help our son. Sadly, I think the parents of most of his classmates were none too happy that I was making waves. Honestly, many of the kids in his class were spoiled brats who wanted nothing to do with the Catholic faith. One classmate started a rumor that my DS was gay because he was discerning a vocation!



Has anyone else here seen or heard of this experience? I am so sad and disappointed. This was the first time I really started to doubt my faith.

Thank you and God bless.

90Domer

That’s really too bad. I think that just the size alone of the six grade class was probably very bad. I don’t know if you’ve ever read Temple Grandin’s memoir “Emergence,” which talks about her childhood in detail, but one thing that jumped out at me from the book is that her success at school was closely correlated with the size of the school setting. She went to a small private elementary school and was successful, to a large private middle school and it was a disaster, and then finally to a very small private boarding high school with horses and woodshop and it was very successful. I would suggest skimming through the book to get some inspiration on what sort of school setting would work best with your son. It might be, for instance, that public middle school and high school will be just too big for him. There also might be a case to be made for homeschooling the middle school years (with lots of activities, of course) and then jumping back into a high school when the kids are less mean and hormonal. (My parents skipped me out of 8th grade. I so didn’t miss it.)

My daughter has an Asperger’s diagnosis and while we had some rough spots with her at a small Protestant school in 1st and 2nd grade (REALLY rough spots), she’s done very well from then on. I really appreciated having her in a small (29 kid) 7th grade (they frequently split up into smaller groups). I keep asking her about social stuff, and it sounds like things are just fine–very different from what I remember of life as a 7th grader. It’s really too bad your school dropped the ball after quite a number of good years.

 

[1990Domer]

Thank you Monicad. I always love your posts. Sadly, I have talked to the pastor and principal on numerous occasions about teaching fellow classmates about invisible disabilities. Instead of seeking my (name removed by moderator)ut, the principal chose a program offered by our county’s Intermediate Unit that was totally inappropriate for the situation. This was after I offered services of my son’s therapist to speak to the school.

I agree that I felt the students missed out on an opportunity to grow in their faith, but so did the school. They were not teaching that message. Few were interested in learning about Aspergers. Sadly, a second child in my son’s school with the same diagnosis is leaving due to bullying. His mom told me that the best thing that ever happened to him was when my DS arrived (in fifth grade). He got picked on less.

Xantippe, we moved our son to our parish school in fifth grade when he tested out of his supports. Truth be told, he still needs some, but the public school had limited resources, so the kids lower on the spectrum received the available services (always budget cuts). DS was in a smaller 5th grade class of 17, and it worked well. He had 28 kids in sixth, many who were unruly.

I would honestly like to try offering my help, but there are a few reasons I am holding back: 1) I am cyber schooling my son for 7th and 8th grade. He needs quite a bit of emotional support. 2) I fear the school is not open to my message because they are in huge debt and losing more and more students. I fear it will merge with another school. 3) Our dear friend’s husband–a family that stood by us when DS was lonely or just needing a pal in school (this was his public school years) needs our support because the dad has terminal cancer. He’s been given a year.

Thank you all for your responses and God bless you. I am enjoying seeing my son happier again!

 

[1990Domer]

Monicad,

I wanted to add that, at our old parish when my son was in religious Ed, I tried to start a special needs program for kiddos like mine. I went the the director, who blew me off. I wrote to the pastor who forwarded my letter to the director, and that really teed her off. Finally, after my husband’s layoff, we joined our home parish. We had remained in the parish we registered in when we first moved here and were in temp housing.

In any event, we won’t quit trying.

 

[Xantippe]

Xantippe, we moved our son to our parish school in fifth grade when he tested out of his supports. Truth be told, he still needs some, but the public school had limited resources, so the kids lower on the spectrum received the available services (always budget cuts). DS was in a smaller 5th grade class of 17, and it worked well. He had 28 kids in sixth, many who were unruly.

**Bummer. That’s a tough time to jump in and a big (for him) class to jump into.

My daughter (Asperger’s diagnosis since 1st grade–now rising 8th grader) has done very well at a small private Protestant school, but it’s been the same one the whole time, and we’ve done a yearly meeting with all of her teachers every year since about 2nd grade.**

I would honestly like to try offering my help, but there are a few reasons I am holding back: 1) I am cyber schooling my son for 7th and 8th grade. He needs quite a bit of emotional support. 2) I fear the school is not open to my message because they are in huge debt and losing more and more students. I fear it will merge with another school. 3) Our dear friend’s husband–a family that stood by us when DS was lonely or just needing a pal in school (this was his public school years) needs our support because the dad has terminal cancer. He’s been given a year.

**I think cyberschooling for 7th and 8th grade is a very reasonable choice, especially if accompanied by a strong effort to put him into extracurriculars and keep him socializing. Appropriate summer camps and classes could also be very good–ever since a really disastrous summer between kindergarten and first grade where our daughter sort of de-socialized in a very dramatic way, I’ve prioritized summer stuff.

Best wishes!
**

 

[1990Domer]

Thank you everyone for all the kind words. Monicad, your last post was especially moving, and I whole-heartedly agree. I remember being asked if I would subject my DS to a blood test in order to try to determine genes that might trigger autism (he was much more profoundly affected than he is now…I can only describe it as a miracle). I declined saying that I would not want it on my soul that I somehow, in some small way, may have contributed to a future pre-natal blood test that screens for autism. My thought-- those children would be aborted.

We have decided to volunteer in our Life Teen Ministry, and we are regular adorers at our church. I chose the cyber school route so my son can fully participate in extra-curriculars of his choice at our local middle school and to also attend weekly adoration with me. I am very wary of social skills camps that lump kids together. The last one I sent my son to 2 years ago was horrible. I pulled him immediately. His private therapist has put together a hand-picked group to work on social situations, and he’s attending golf camp as well.

Right now, much of our life is devoted to prayer and setting the example of a good Christian family. Since we are attending the WMOF (we live close to Philly), we plan on taking in the wonderful speakers who are featured.

Once again, thank you for your prayers. If you can, please include our close friends. They too are truly wonderful and accepting people. God bless you all.

 

[Xantippe]

We have decided to volunteer in our Life Teen Ministry, and we are regular adorers at our church. I chose the cyber school route so my son can fully participate in extra-curriculars of his choice at our local middle school and to also attend weekly adoration with me.

**That’s really good.
**
I am very wary of social skills camps that lump kids together. The last one I sent my son to 2 years ago was horrible. I pulled him immediately. His private therapist has put together a hand-picked group to work on social situations, and he’s attending golf camp as well.

**That’s too bad about the social skills camp. Back 5-6 years ago, our daughter benefited a lot from an after-school social skills circle (run by a local college) that was 100% autism spectrum kids, but I can see how an actual camp might be different. **

**The hand-picked group and the golf camp sound great. I feel strongly that just about everything has the potential to be therapeutic, because a lot of mainstream activities have some combination of sensory, fine motor, gross motor, academic or social benefits. **

 

[1990Domer]

Xantippe:
The social skills group my son was in 2 years ago was run by a non-profit that services spectrum children. I believe they were supposed to be kids with Aspergers. However, the range of behaviors was enormous, and my kid was taunted by another kid and aggressively pushed during recess. Another girl in the class would randomly call out that she was being raped. So, that was a fail! As I mentioned, this group is hand-picked for my son. It’s worth the money we’re paying to have him attend.

Trumpet lessons and golf round out his activities. Those can carry over to the school year. Thanks Xantippe. I know you get it!

 

[Xantippe]

The social skills group my son was in 2 years ago was run by a non-profit that services spectrum children. I believe they were supposed to be kids with Aspergers. However, the range of behaviors was enormous, and my kid was taunted by another kid and aggressively pushed during recess. Another girl in the class would randomly call out that she was being raped. So, that was a fail!

Ay yay yay!

As I mentioned, this group is hand-picked for my son. It’s worth the money we’re paying to have him attend.

Trumpet lessons and golf round out his activities. Those can carry over to the school year.

Very good! We just finished our first year of music lessons for our daughter, and it’s been very good at keeping her busy.

Thanks Xantippe. I know you get it!

Sure thing! PM me any time!