Can attraction really develop later?

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stanncie

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Well here’s the situation. I’ve gone on two dates with a wonderful catholic man. On paper, he’s perfect. He has a good job, seems very caring and sweet, very devout to the faith and can hold a good conversation. Also, he seems to really like me since the get go. He’s also very respectful and polite. Now you say what’s the problem?
I’m not attracted to him in the least! There’s no butterflies,no spark, no nothing. I really can’t see myself as anything more than friends with him. My friends say to dump him because the relationship is doomed from the start. I tend to agree because I’ve been down this road before and the results have been disastrous.

Should i continue to date him to see if i begin to be attracted to him? If so how much longer? I don’t want to lead this poor man on. At the same time I don’t want to let go of him so quick if there’s any chance this could possibly work? I’m so confused! please help.
 
Stop calling it dating.

It’s a friendship. Sometimes friends can become more. You actually have to know someone to love them. You can’t know them after 2 dates. I know happily married people where one keenly disliked the other when they first met…

I am suspicious of people who fall in love and have butterflies on the first date. I learned long ago that those butterflies are evil. They’ll hide a lot of garbage behind their gossamer little wingies.

Those butterflies persuade sane people to fall in love with a fantasy. They hover around for a while and then they all fly off and leave people looking at a virtual stranger and wondering where the magic went.

You are seeing this man clearly. Get to know him. Do him the favor of at least getting to know him better (not just on paper) before rejecting him.

Stop letting your friends tell you what to do. Be honest with him and tell him you move slowly. And then spend time with him with no promises, no strings attached. Try to get to know him. HE may decide he doesn’t want to pursue it with YOU eventually.

But making big decisions based on very subjective emotional feelings…bad idea. Ignore those crazy butterflies and find out what’s really there.

Seriously. Butterflies are nuts. Have you watched one recently? Never sticks with one thing. Flies from one bright flower to the next. As soon as you think you caught it… off it goes. Don’t plan your future around butterflies… 😉
 
. You need to feel that little spark-that jolt of electricty when you two kiss-those butterflies when you see him, and most importantly-that sadness when you can’t.

Obviosuly many people disagree with me, but sorry. I sort of feel you need it a priori.
 
I’ll be honest… my DH turns my knees to jelly regularly, but it wasn’t that way at first. I didn’t think he was all that good looking at first. I mostly went out with him because he pestered me for so long. :o

It took me a few weeks to start feeling any kind of heat for him. Once I did though… hoo boy, it was off to the races and never look back. Our sexual chemistry is still strong after 12 years of marriage and a 4 year engagement (college). So, 16 years later, we’re still all over each other.

It can happen. Just go slow and see if it does. Make no promises, no commitments, unless and until you do feel it.
 
Here’s a post of mine from earlier today. 😃
Truly_Beloved said:
…] Although I must say, my husband was physically attracted to me the very first time we met. It took us (me) 2 years of friendship before we moved on to dating and looking at marriage, though.

I’ll never forget, one night before going to sleep, my sister asked me from the top bunk, “So, Truly, why are you marrying Mr. Beloved?” My answer was, “Well, we make sense together. We both want the same things out of life, we share a love of God, we have the same morals… We just make a lot of sense. We’re a good match.”

She was so mad, and said, “But don’t you LOVE him??? Geez!!! Don’t you have BUTTERFLIES??? You’re being too practical and logical. This is marriage we’re talking about!!!”

I was like, “Well, yeah, I love him. But no, I don’t have ‘butterflies.’ There’s nothing wrong with actively deciding that a guy rationally fits with you, and marrying him because you have everything important in common.” I’ve been married for almost 6 years, and am strongly attracted to my husband now more than ever. We’ve changed a lot since we met 13 years ago, but we’ve changed together, moving in the same direction. 😃
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I’m totally with Liberano (I see a pattern here 😉 ) – I don’t trust butterflies at all.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Stop calling it dating.

But making big decisions based on very subjective emotional feelings…bad idea. Ignore those crazy butterflies and find out what’s really there.

Seriously. Butterflies are nuts. Have you watched one recently? Never sticks with one thing. Flies from one bright flower to the next. As soon as you think you caught it… off it goes. Don’t plan your future around butterflies… 😉
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Holy Moly that’s some wise stuff there. I never really thought about things like that…

Now if you could just tell that to the young woman I’m currently in love with… 😛
 
Fireworks when you kiss - that came to be expected thanks to the Brady Bunch.

Commitment and trust and shared faith.

Leave the fireworks for TV.
 
kage_ar said:
Fireworks when you kiss - that came to be expected thanks to the Brady Bunch.

Commitment and trust and shared faith.

Leave the fireworks for TV.
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No.

Commitment, trust, shared faith and values ARE very, very important.

AS IS

that look you get in the eye when she walks in the room-that sparkle.
the feeling of lonliness when he is the only one you want to talk to…
and that feeling of being weak in the knees during your first dance, when you look across the dance floor, you see no one but him or her.

Sorry, a romantic can be a Catholic!
 
Well I’d say yes!! I met my current boyfriend through co-ed sports, I was dating someone else at the time I met him though, so all that happened was we just talked, and I never thought of him as someone I’d date. Then I broke up with my ex, and he found out and started asking me on dates. I went on a few, and as my Mom keeps loving to remind me, I told her that I wasn’t sure he was my type. But the more we went out, the more I got to know him and see what a truly wonderful person he is and we’ve been dating for about a year and a half now and things are great. So I’m not saying this is what would happen in all situations, just that it CAN happen 😃
 
Give the guy a chance…as someone else earlier told you, treat it as a beautiful friendship, but tell the guy this…be honest with him and let time do the rest…after a suitable time you will make the decision as to whether you love him or not…don’t forget “love” is a decision!!..not a funny feeling in your belly…when you decide to love,then and only then will the funny feeling appear…he’s a pupa at the moment,let him mature into a beautiful butterfly (shucks I should have been a poet!!)…by the way, I’m a guy…hope you don’t mind…have a nice life young lady and God Bless you.
 
Yes! It can. I know women who were not the least bit attracted to a guy at first and later the sparks grew. In a couple of cases it was after the guy did something extra kind and thoughtful for them. I read a story about a woman who was not attracted to the guy she was dating for two months. They then went on a skiing trip and suddenly she was attracted to him. They ended up getting married. You definitely need to be attracted to the guy before the relationship can get serious, but you’re not at that point yet.

I’d stay with this guy for a while longer. Good Catholic single men with the qualifications you describe are very, very hard to find. Believe me, I know. I also know what it’s like to not feel anything at first. Give it a chance.
 
Thank you all for your responses!

I called it dating because we met through a dating website lol. I will take your advice and continue to see him but I think I will stop letting him pay for me because that makes me fell a little awkward. I guess I’ve just never experienced attraction that grew over time. All other times I’ve dated men that I already found very attractive and had a strong chemistry with. I also think he’s not very experienced at the dating thing seems he seems a bit nervous when we are out. He tries to hide it but I could tell. I would like to see how he is when he is a bit more comfortable. Thank you all again 👍
 
*Í don’t know if anyone can tell YOU how to feel. If you aren’t into him, you aren’t into him…’’‘like that.’’ I think it’s very endearing that you don’t want to keep ‘‘dating’’ him, as it might lead him to think you feel the same way. My husband and I hit it off right away, but we were friends for a little while before dating exclusively. And when we did, I just knew…but only through prayer. I prayed to God to send me the right man to marry…I didn’t think He would give me that so quickly. lol :o So, I say, only you know. I also don’t believe in marrying someone you have zilch chemistry with…

Marriage is about sacrifice, love, but read the Song of Solomon. There was chemistry, even back then. I know what others are saying…we shouldn’t look at soap operas or the movies, and think that is what love is. But, we shouldn’t dismiss chemistry, if there isn’t any. I’m somewhere between kage and Rascalking in this thread, this time. 😛

Just my two cents…I hope you reach the right conclusion on this for yourself. :)*
 
My husband was my closest friend (platonic of course) for years all through high school and beyond…then all of a sudden he saw something in me and asked if I like to…elevate the relationship a little.

I told him no. I apologized profusely for hurting his feelings (though he claimed to be perfectly fine) and I felt like a jerk afterwards since he got the nerve to ask and I shot him down…but the fact remained was that I was not attracted to him enough to seek a relationship. He never brought it up again. He just acted like he never asked.

About 3 months later, at my mother’s suggestion, I turned around and agreed to go on a number of dates with him over the summer before we separated again for college. I still wasn’t attracted to him THAT way…it was more to lay the “What-if” to rest.

Summer came and went and we kept dating…one through college until the next summer. Then he had to go 6 miles away for a summer internship and would not see him for 6 weeks. That was when I realized just how much he meant to me. 😊 And I was thinking “When did this happen?”

I can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint the day I started to be attracted to him…I know the moment when I knew I could marry him. But the attraction part kinda snuck up on me. It felt an awful lot like our already existing close friendship…only with kissing…and being apart hurt a lot more…
 
Hubby and I had a long distance relationship for 4 years. Hubs was in love with me from the first time we met, but it took me much, much longer. Even while we were engaged, though I loved him, and was certain that he was the one God intended for me, I still was not ‘in love’ with him until we were married. It’s as if I gave myself permission that day, and the flood gates opened… now its like I’m addicted to him- we can’t stand to be separated, even for very short periods. I can’t even imagine feeling this way about anybody else.
 
Why aren’t you attracted to him? Is he out of shape? Just generally unattractive?

It’s possible for people to grow on you, I’ve met men I wasn’t attracted to at all at the beginning, but once I got to know them they became physically attractive to me. Of course there has to be something to work with…

Maybe give it more time, see if you develop an attraction, if not then leave. Relationships should have that component, or it will be like being married to a friend or a brother.
 
little_flower said:
Hubby and I had a long distance relationship for 4 years. Hubs was in love with me from the first time we met, but it took me much, much longer. Even while we were engaged, though I loved him, and was certain that he was the one God intended for me, I still was not ‘in love’ with him until we were married. It’s as if I gave myself permission that day, and the flood gates opened… now its like I’m addicted to him- we can’t stand to be separated, even for very short periods. I can’t even imagine feeling this way about anybody else.
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This hit home with me. The guy i am dating has been a friend for many years. He decided he wanted to date and i wasn’t sure so i rejected him. He waited and when i was ready we started dating. I tell everyone it was my guardian angel hitting me over the head. He was like :“you keep asking God for this wonderful catholic man and i put one in front of you and you reject him…no no that is not going to work so open your eyes silly girl”. I did and i realized how much we have in common, how wonderful he is as a person, how beautiful his soul is etc. I sometimes wonder how am i so lucky that he is still around for me to have found?

But with that said i sitll feel like i have to hold back and haven’t opened myself up 100% to him because we aren’t engaged and haven’t walked down the isle so there is apart of me holding back from allowing myself to love him competely because i want to share those parts with my future spouse. I hope and pray it is him but my heart belongs to God. I can’t give it away fully until there is a committment in front of God. Does that make sense???

To the OP: Tell him how you feel. Say i want to take things slow and become friends first. Don’t lead him on but don’t give up just because you don’t have those butterfiles. I didn’t have them with my BF but they appear now after dating because i know him. The imagination can be a great thing but it can also lead you to expect too much. Be realistic in what you want. I don’t mean you should settle for any catholic man but know what you want in your future spouse. Look for those quailites instead of the butterfiles. And don’t move into the kissing phase unless your ready! Once you cross that boundry it is VERY VERY HARD to go back to being friends and you may ruin a chance at a great thing.
 
Well now I’m confused.

Are you supposed to feel all sparkly hot and bothered for someone after JUST 2 dates?? I don’t think I could ever muster that up unless it was Gordon Ramsey or something, and even then it would be a stretch for me. I can think a man is handsome, charming etc. right off the bat but attraction is a whole different thing. Entirely different.

I think you’ve been out on JUST TWO dates, outings, friendship excursions, whatever you want to call it. Give it some TIME. Get to know the PERSON.
 
flyingfish said:
Why aren’t you attracted to him? Is he out of shape? Just generally unattractive?

It’s possible for people to grow on you, I’ve met men I wasn’t attracted to at all at the beginning, but once I got to know them they became physically attractive to me. Of course there has to be something to work with…

Maybe give it more time, see if you develop an attraction, if not then leave. Relationships should have that component, or it will be like being married to a friend or a brother.
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He is out of shape although he says he likes to run :confused: He is also bald which I’ve never liked 😦
The physical is not the main problem though, i could overlook that but his personality is too passive. There’s no banter, he just laughs at everything I say and agrees with me in everything. It’s like he has no opinions. Like I said before he seems to be nervous so that could be the problem. I have a strong personality and I don’t want to run over anyone and I feel like i could run all over him no problem. That is not attractive to me at all.
I’m going to tell him I want to be friends and see what happens. In the least i could become friends with him and he can introduce me to a friend that is more compatible
I will let him know that I want to be friends first and see where that goes
 
stanncie said:
He is out of shape although he says he likes to run :confused: He is also bald which I’ve never liked 😦
The physical is not the main problem though, i could overlook that but his personality is too passive. There’s no banter, he just laughs at everything I say and agrees with me in everything. It’s like he has no opinions. Like I said before he seems to be nervous so that could be the problem. I have a strong personality and I don’t want to run over anyone and I feel like i could run all over him no problem. That is not attractive to me at all.
I’m going to tell him I want to be friends and see what happens. In the least i could become friends with him and he can introduce me to a friend that is more compatible
I will let him know that I want to be friends first and see where that goes
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*Women are often stimulated, for lack of a better word, by words, wit, humor, cleverness, charm, charisma, etc. I don’t believe in forcing a square peg, into a round hole…if it ain’t there, it ain’t there. Doesn’t mean it could never happen, but sounds like his personality, demeanor, etc just isn’t what you’re looking for. Good luck with this situation, stancie. *
 
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