Can attraction really develop later?

[Kindness]

I think the advice you have is good. Have a platonic close friendship and see what happens. I have heard somewhere:

Men fall in love with those they are attracted to and women are attracted to those they fall in love with.

Bit simplistic and of course not always true, but the really great men come in many guises. And your looks are the one thing that you have least control/power over. Your values, character, work ethic etc. are what lasts. What about when you are pregnant, ill, overweight, exhausted etc. will you have a spouse who will love you no matter what?

On the other hand I do think you must be attracted to your spouse but also attraction can grow as someone’s true character comes out. I am also extrovert and always went for the cheeky, witty, charming guys - not the classically good-looking ones who I found boring. But my husband was quieter and more introverted. He does have a great sense of humor though and he said he felt totally comfortable with me from the start. However, he can be a total cheeseball and his chat-up lines were terrible! I don’t think he had a lot of confidence with women. However by being friends for a while I saw all his fabulous qualities that have made our marriage so happy, fun and interesting.

Unfortunately, if he’s not attractive to you and you find him passive and boring it doesn’t look too good! Confidence is attractive to both men and women. How did you connect with him on-line, do you have many interests and values in common?

I also found when I tried a couple of my tricks my husband held the line and made it quite clear that I would not be able to dominate him and he would not take any BS. Excuse that, but he showed he could handle my immaturity and make me behave myself! I would never push him too far because he has a strong sense of self and you need two equally matched individuals for a true partnership, you don’t want it to be lopsided.

 

[Kit15]

Summer came and went and we kept dating…one through college until the next summer. Then he had to go 6 miles away for a summer internship and would not see him for 6 weeks.

Whoa! 6 MILES?! I meant 6 HOURS! (Ack! No edit button! )

There I go posting while I’m sleep deprived again…

 

[matris_domi]

The physical is not the main problem though, i could overlook that but his personality is too passive. There’s no banter, he just laughs at everything I say and agrees with me in everything. It’s like he has no opinions. Like I said before he seems to be nervous so that could be the problem.

Maybe as friends he would be able to get more comfortable with you and express himself more.

But if he stays the way he is now, no opinions, always agrees with you, never expresses anything independently and only reacts to you… RUN. Weak men are a nightmare for the women they marry. If he wants to take the shortcut, never developing his own identity, just glomming onto you and claiming all of you as himself, that will never be healthy and you will never be happy. Each person in a relationship deserves the chance to relax and let the other take the lead for a while. It’s supposed to be reciprocal.

 

[Sina]

2 dates is too early to really know, but if you are really not attracted to him, then I doubt you will become more attracted later. I think you need to be at least a little bit attracted, not necessarily physically but inquisitively too.

I thought my DH was cute when I first met him, but I didn’t think he was drop dead gorgeous. 1st date after asking me out, I thought he was interesting, still kinda cute, but I wasn’t weak in the knees so to speak. On the 2nd date, I all of a sudden was blown away by how good looking he was. Maybe it was the jacket he was wearing or something that brought out his eyes or whatever, but I have been attracted to him ever since.

I have dated guys before that I didn’t necessarily think were “hot” but I was attracted to their personality or intelligence. I feel really blessed that I am attracted to everything about my DH.

So I dunno… we are all very different in what attracts us… so it is too hard to know right now. Give it a bit more time??

 

[Sina]

Well now I’m confused.

Are you supposed to feel all sparkly hot and bothered for someone after JUST 2 dates?? I don’t think I could ever muster that up unless it was Gordon Ramsey or something, and even then it would be a stretch for me. I can think a man is handsome, charming etc. right off the bat but attraction is a whole different thing. Entirely different.

I think you’ve been out on JUST TWO dates, outings, friendship excursions, whatever you want to call it. Give it some TIME. Get to know the PERSON.

You think Gordan Ramsey is hot?!?!? hahahaha. Sorry.

 

[shannyk]

You think Gordan Ramsey is hot?!?!? hahahaha. Sorry.

hahaha yes, I do. And I know it’s weird, but I find him attractive.:blush:

 

[Truly_Beloved]

hahaha yes, I do. And I know it’s weird, but I find him attractive.:blush:

shamefully emerges

You’re in good company. Mine!

I don’t usually find much older men attractive (I’m in my 20s), but he and Patrick Stewart are nice looking guys. Oh, and Pierce Brosnan, too.

 

[shannyk]

shamefully emerges

You’re in good company. Mine!

I don’t usually find much older men attractive (I’m in my 20s), but he and Patrick Stewart are nice looking guys. Oh, and Pierce Brosnan, too.

see, I knew you had good taste.

 

[Augusta_Sans]

that look you get in the eye when she walks in the room-that sparkle.
the feeling of lonliness when he is the only one you want to talk to…
and that feeling of being weak in the knees during your first dance, when you look across the dance floor, you see no one but him or her.

This paragraph literally made me start crying. I wish that I had feelings like these for my husband.

 

[MadameButterfly]

I have a really different view of “butterflies” and “chemistry”.

You can have butterflies with a guy who is tall, dark and handsome, and yet a complete loser.

You can have “chemistry” with a guy who is tall, dark and handsome, and that “chemistry” will blow up in your face.

As you can guess, the one and only time I felt those butterflies, and had “chemistry” with a guy, it turned out to be my worst nightmare come true. He was tall, dark & handsome … I felt those butterflies and felt that chemistry, but he turned out to be a loser with a big L!!

First, he harrassed me, then he sexually harrassed me, and then finally he drugged and raped me (3 yrs of therapy helped me realize that he had a personality disorder…that NPD thread was a bit too close for comfort ). After that, I distrusted those butterflies; I distrusted “chemistry”.

When I met my dh, I didn’t feel those butterflies, but I did feel a connection that was real. I decided with the logical side of my brain that we were a good fit. True, I felt a bit deprived that I never felt those butterflies, but I’d rather have real love than that ooshie gushie feeling that wasn’t real.

Okay, end of rant…

MadameButterfly

 

[chevalier]

Attraction can increase when you learn about things you’re attracted to but didn’t know about before (e.g. it didn’t show the person was intelligent or the haircut hid beautiful features or something of the kind). It can change if your taste changes and that sometimes happens. Other than that, it’s generally more front-loaded for men and more gradual for women, but you’re a woman, so you don’t have the problem (for guys it can be a bigger one). I say in general because I’ve experienced attraction fluctuating or my own feeling it more strongly as I was getting to care about a girl more - or simply devoting more and more attention, thus noticing more, but this is moot in your case anyway.

Plus, here it’s not so much insufficient attraction as some things that put you off and those are more of a problem. I agree with posters who suggest being friends - you’d have to avoid the appearances of dating but at the same time avoid hurting him by taking a step back. I don’t know how exactly to do that, but just be careful and considerate, that should be enough. Don’t force yourself and don’t force yourself just because a friend or some other person is suggesting something. Isolate peer pressure and learn to separate the merits of friends’ advise from desire to please them - sometimes it’s hard. Don’t guilt-trip yourself into not “rejecting” a good Catholic guy because of a “shallow” factor like not being attracted. Attraction is an important thing and to marry someone one isn’t attracted to or especially is repulsed by is a bad idea and something neither of the couple deserves. You don’t do that to a person. If you need to tell him you aren’t attracted, do that. You don’t have to say why, you can just say there’s no chemistry (which may sound silly) or even that you aren’t attracted (if you can say that respectfully, it’s better). If you can’t get yourself to do it, cutting contact is still better than head games. Head games (“subtle hints”) are not good at all.

 

[2HunnyBuns]

I didn’t feel much chemistry between me and my husband when we first started dating. He and I had been friends for about four years when we started dating. I thought he was a nice guy but he didn’t really do much for me chemistry wise. The more I got to know him the more attractive he became to me. So I think maybe you just need to give it a little more time. Given the way I feel about him now, I don’t know how I ever thought we had no chemistry.

 

[Rascalking]

This paragraph literally made me start crying. I wish that I had feelings like these for my husband.

I’m so sorry you don’t feel that wa!

I pray you feel those feelings for someone, preferbly your husband.

I guess, as a guy, I look at it differently.

 

[SeekingWisdom]

***The physical is not the main problem though, i could overlook that but his personality is too passive. There’s no banter, he just laughs at everything I say and agrees with me in everything. It’s like he has no opinions. Like I said before he seems to be nervous so that could be the problem. I have a strong personality and I don’t want to run over anyone and I feel like i could run all over him no problem. That is not attractive to me at all.
I’m going to tell him I want to be friends and see what happens. In the least i could become friends with him and he can introduce me to a friend that is more compatible
I will let him know that I want to be friends first and see where that goes

---

That was exactly how I felt about someone I dated. In the end, I couldn’t make it work for me. And I agree with chevalier about not being guilt tripped. Attraction is very important.

 

[kage_ar]

Two books to read this weekend

Matthew Kelly “Seven Levels of Intimacy”

Fr Dubay “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”

 

[stanncie]

I want to thank you all for your responses.
I’m going to be very busy for the next two weeks since I have family in town and have told this to this guy.

He wants to go out dancing and i think i will once my family leaves town because right now my days off are very full taking them around town. I think that will be a good test in whether we are compatible or not since he has told me he’s a pretty good dancer so he should be much more comfortable.

I hope I can see a different side of him but if not I will definitely tell him nicely how i’m feeling. Someone said not to play head games and I agree completely. I have been on the receiving end of that and it’s horrible especially because i’m pretty sure he really likes me .
Again thank you all

 

[ac_claire]

shamefully emerges

You’re in good company. Mine!

I don’t usually find much older men attractive (I’m in my 20s), but he and Patrick Stewart are nice looking guys. Oh, and Pierce Brosnan, too.

see, I knew you had good taste.

Yall see the common thread here right? You like the British accent thing these guys have going on lol

ETA: oh yeah, might as well respond to the OP.

I experienced something similar, stanncie. I wasn’t attracted to my fiance when we met, but I wasn’t not-attracted either. It was sort of like, I recognized that he was attractive, but I was at neutral. Very soon after we got to know eachother, and I realized we were on the same page on the non-negotiable issues, and what we want out of life, and our whole sense of humor and how we think about things…once our relationship in general started to solidify and take shape, my attraction grew.

There’s that old advice that a woman’s sexual attraction is tied in with her emotional attatchments. Wheras a guy’s is more related (initially) to his 5 senses. Your experience so far (and mine) would bear that out.

 

[WonderfulLife]

ULtimately you are going to have to decide what you find acceptable, but traditionally for me if there is ever going to be any interest later, I have to be at the least intrigued from the start. If he bores you intimately now, it will probably be worse later. No one wishes to be touched or kissed by someone they have zero sexual interest in and in a way, it’s unfair to both of you if you entered into a marriage feeling disinterested or even repulsed by him regarding intimacy.

A lot of people will say that interest in intimacy with a friend develops later, but for me that has never been the case. Friends are friends, the idea of being intimate with any of my friends even of twenty or more years would be stomach turning. If it were me, I would want some level of attraction to build on. My two cents.

 

[ac_claire]

ULtimately you are going to have to decide what you find acceptable, but traditionally for me if there is ever going to be any interest later, I have to be at the least intrigued from the start. If he bores you intimately now, it will probably be worse later. No one wishes to be touched or kissed by someone they have zero sexual interest in and in a way, it’s unfair to both of you if you entered into a marriage feeling disinterested or even repulsed by him regarding intimacy.

A lot of people will say that interest in intimacy with a friend develops later, but for me that has never been the case. Friends are friends, the idea of being intimate with any of my friends even of twenty or more years would be stomach turning. If it were me, I would want some level of attraction to build on. My two cents.

I don’t deny your own experience, but I think it’d be rash to think about ending the relationship now because there’s isn’t a “spark” yet. So many of the rest of us who’ve replied have proven that sometimes your attraction will build as your regard of the person/emotional attachment to him builds. I’ve seen it happen and not just with my fiance.

Just something to think about, because otherwise this guy does sound like a great potential possibility for marriage. Get to know him beyond the 2 dates and pray to God for guidance the whole time is my advice.

 

[stanncie]

Hi all

I want to thank everyone again for your advice. Yesterday was my last date with this guy. I told him in a nice way what i’ve told you all in the thread and he took it very well and appreciated my honesty. I don’t know if we’ll stay friends or not but either way the whole thing ended nicely and I hope not much harm was done.

Our last date pretty much proved that we were not compatible at least not on my end. At least I got to eat at this cool italian restaurant that reminded me of my trips to Italy since all the waiters were italian lol! When i was more interested in looking at the crazy waiters and everything else around me but my date it pretty much told me I had to end it. I guess it’s back to the drawing board for me