Can Catholics initiate divorce procedings?

[camero2010]

I’m Roman Catholic and my wife is a non-practicing Buddhist. We were married in a Catholic church ten years ago and moved to the US five years ago when she was posted here for work. For various reasons I’d rather not get into here, she has been the sole breadwinner since we moved and I’m basically financially dependent on her.

Last June she dropped a bomb on me and said she wanted a divorce. She also recently admitted to me that she has had a affair with a married man for a year. She is adamant that she will never reconcile with me and wants to move out of our home soon. Perhaps because it will make her feel less guilty that she still sees the guy almost everyday despite me knowing what is going on.

I’ve posted at various forums and consensus is that I should file instead of waiting for her to do so because of my financial dependance and because of her on going affair. So my question is can I actually file for divorce?

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, if a sufficiently serious reason exists, a Catholic may initiate divorce proceedings, even if the Catholic does not believe the marriage is invalid. Civil divorce is permissible even when a valid bond of marriage remains, if doing so is necessary to achieve a just division of assets when the common conjugal life cannot be maintained (or, as in your case, when the innocent party, having the right, elects not to readmit the offending spouse guilty of infidelity to the common conjugal life).

Talk to your pastor about your particular situation, though. You ought not abandon the common conjugal life on your own authority, unless it is to remove someone in the household from danger, let alone initiate a divorce. Be sure you are on good ground. Besides, you will feel better if you have some reassurance and can disclose all the particulars of what you’re going through, I’m thinking.

 

[phil19034]

I’m Roman Catholic and my wife is a non-practicing Buddhist. We were married in a Catholic church ten years ago and moved to the US five years ago when she was posted here for work. For various reasons I’d rather not get into here, she has been the sole breadwinner since we moved and I’m basically financially dependent on her.

Last June she dropped a bomb on me and said she wanted a divorce. She also recently admitted to me that she has had a affair with a married man for a year. She is adamant that she will never reconcile with me and wants to move out of our home soon. Perhaps because it will make her feel less guilty that she still sees the guy almost everyday despite me knowing what is going on.

I’ve posted at various forums and consensus is that I should file instead of waiting for her to do so because of my financial dependance and because of her on going affair. So my question is can I actually file for divorce?

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. As the last poster mentioned, please talk to priest about this.

I would also recommend contacting catholiccounselors.com/ and/or a Catholic Counselor in your diocese.

If you do end in divorce, I would suggest that you start the annulment process right away, don’t wait to start it after you meet someone new (again if you get divorced, which I hope doesn’t happen).

Good luck and God Bless

 

[camero2010]

Thanks so much for your advice.

There is a Catholic welfare service near my area and I will see what they say.

God bless

 

[robwar]

I’m Roman Catholic and my wife is a non-practicing Buddhist. We were married in a Catholic church ten years ago and moved to the US five years ago when she was posted here for work. For various reasons I’d rather not get into here, she has been the sole breadwinner since we moved and I’m basically financially dependent on her.

Last June she dropped a bomb on me and said she wanted a divorce. She also recently admitted to me that she has had a affair with a married man for a year. She is adamant that she will never reconcile with me and wants to move out of our home soon. Perhaps because it will make her feel less guilty that she still sees the guy almost everyday despite me knowing what is going on.

I’ve posted at various forums and consensus is that I should file instead of waiting for her to do so because of my financial dependance and because of her on going affair. So my question is can I actually file for divorce?

You should talk to a lawyer first about to legal advantages or not in filing first for a divorce. Check with you local bar association because there are some free advice services for people in your situation. Most of us here are not lawyers and since you are asking a legal question, you need to go to a lawyer for legal advice.

 

[EasterJoy]

You should talk to a lawyer first about to legal advantages or not in filing first for a divorce. Check with you local bar association because there are some free advice services for people in your situation. Most of us here are not lawyers and since you are asking a legal question, you need to go to a lawyer for legal advice.

Yes. There are two questions here, and both deserve to be considered only with the help of the most qualified counselor.

The OP’s pastor is the person to consult with regards to whether divorce is morally permissible in his case (although there may also be other persons authorized by the bishop to give him that kind of counsel), and an experienced divorce attorney is the person to consult with concerning the legal options and the advisability of each in the case where division of property by legal means is morally permissible. It may be that something like a negotiated agreement prior to filing will be the least expensive and the least contentious for everyone.

 

[robwar]

Yes. There are two questions here, and both deserve to be considered only with the help of the most qualified counselor.

The OP’s pastor is the person to consult with regards to whether divorce is morally permissible in his case (although there may also be other persons authorized by the bishop to give him that kind of counsel), and an experienced divorce attorney is the person to consult with concerning the legal options and the advisability of each in the case where division of property by legal means is morally permissible. It may be that something like a negotiated agreement prior to filing will be the least expensive and the least contentious for everyone.

Yes, I think we both agree. I focused on the lawyer end because that had not been mentioned yet. There is a common idea out there that there is an advantage to file for divorce first. That isn’t always true and only a lawyer could guide OP here into what is in his best interests.

 

[camero2010]

Thank you for your replies. I will get with a lawyer next week and I also have a meeting with a Catholic Welfare counselor.

 

[camero2010]

I just had a 1 on 1 discussion with my pastor where I explained presented the facts about my marriage situation so far. I was somewhat surprised when he said that because of what the W and the alienator have done and the continual lack of remorse shown by the W, it would be ok (as far as the church was concerned) for me to file for the D on my wife.

I would still rather not have this happen, but I can’t ignore the advice, signs, facts etc. any longer and baring an act of God, I will indeed file on her and be at peace doing it.

 

[EasterJoy]

I just had a 1 on 1 discussion with my pastor where I explained presented the facts about my marriage situation so far. I was somewhat surprised when he said that because of what the W and the alienator have done and the continual lack of remorse shown by the W, it would be ok (as far as the church was concerned) for me to file for the D on my wife.

I would still rather not have this happen, but I can’t ignore the advice, signs, facts etc. any longer and baring an act of God, I will indeed file on her and be at peace doing it.

This may help you; it is a section of canon law. You can’t really reconcile with someone who refuses to repent. You can forgive them, but the Church doesn’t require you to return someone to a place of trust when your trust was violated without remorse. It takes two to make a peaceful house, even if the bond is valid.

*Art. 2.

SEPARATION WITH THE BOND REMAINING

Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery…*

 

[manualman]

She told you in JUNE, but has done nothing about the paperwork for 7 months thereafter?

Does she explain this oddity? Is it possible she was desperately trying to shock you into some action? Have you been depressed and withdrawn in the relationship?

Something seems off somehow.

 

[camero2010]

Thanks for the quote. This is so true.

This may help you; it is a section of canon law. You can’t really reconcile with someone who refuses to repent. You can forgive them, but the Church doesn’t require you to return someone to a place of trust when your trust was violated without remorse. It takes two to make a peaceful house, even if the bond is valid.

*Art. 2.

SEPARATION WITH THE BOND REMAINING

Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery…*

 

[camero2010]

Yup, so far nothing has been done on her part about filing.

Not a month and a half ago, she was still determined to move out into her own apartment, but so far she doesn’t seem to have done much in the way of searching. She MAY be trying to shock me, but I doubt so. I’m beginning to suspect that she has become comfortable with the current state of our relationship. She gets to come home to a hot dinner, she gets her clothes washed, doesn’t have to do much housework etc (I do most of it). Or perhaps she is finding out the this other guy wasn’t what she expected. But honestly, this is all conjecture on my part.

When it first hit, I did become depressed and moped a lot, but during the last month or so (after I got my schit together) I have been doing pretty good! Been hitting the gym (lost 10 lbs), going to mass every day/saying the Rosary, looking upbeat, spruced up my look etc. Now it is her that looks old, unfit and tired!

She told you in JUNE, but has done nothing about the paperwork for 7 months thereafter?

Does she explain this oddity? Is it possible she was desperately trying to shock you into some action? Have you been depressed and withdrawn in the relationship?

Something seems off somehow.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yup, so far nothing has been done on her part about filing.

Not a month and a half ago, she was still determined to move out into her own apartment, but so far she doesn’t seem to have done much in the way of searching. She MAY be trying to shock me, but I doubt so. I’m beginning to suspect that she has become comfortable with the current state of our relationship. She gets to come home to a hot dinner, she gets her clothes washed, doesn’t have to do much housework etc (I do most of it). Or perhaps she is finding out the this other guy wasn’t what she expected. But honestly, this is all conjecture on my part.

When it first hit, I did become depressed and moped a lot, but during the last month or so (after I got my schit together) I have been doing pretty good! Been hitting the gym (lost 10 lbs), going to mass every day/saying the Rosary, looking upbeat, spruced up my look etc. Now it is her that looks old, unfit and tired!

Yeah, I’d get my own lawyer and do what he or she says to do. Why your wife does or does not act on the matter is impossible to say, but an attorney is going to know the things she could do to keep you from a justice settlement. Besides, your wife may not even know why she has done nothing, she may not have a reason for having done nothing except lack motivation to do something else, and it is unlikely that what she isn’t telling you would change anything if you knew, because what you do know has put the contraption into motion. It would change nothing if you could literally read her mind, because nothing she keeps secret is going to change the course of things, but only positive things she would do very openly and forthrightly.