Can I attend my mother's wedding?

[AdriannaJean]

Hi,

My parents divorced 9 years ago, sought an annulment and weren’t granted one. Since then both have been dating. My dad has re-married and been divorced again since then.

My mom is dating, living with, and having a child with her boyfriend who is currently separated from his (ex?) wife and they are going through the divorce process. My mom and her boyfriend plan to be married civilly as soon as he is divorced.

I don’t know if I can attend her wedding. I know that it won’t be recognized by the church unless both my dad and her boyfriend’s (ex?) wife dies, which definitely will not happen any time soon and may not happen at all while my mom and her boyfriend are still alive. A few years ago I attended my dad’s second wedding, which was equally invalid, but I didn’t really understand all the finer details of the Church’s standpoint on divorce and remarriage.

It would hurt my mom terribly if I didn’t attend, but at the same time how can I bear witness to a union that I know is null and void from the beginning. How do I “honor my mother” and stay true to the Church at the same time? And how can I say “well I went to Dad’s but not yours”?

 

[nodito]

"Mom, I love you very much and I have to tell you something that’s been weighing on my mind.

You’ve always encouraged me to seek the truth and stand up for what I think is right. You also raised me to be Catholic. Since becoming an adult and learning more Catholicism, I’ve come to respect and believe in the Church’s teachings, especially about marriage. The Church teaches that marriage is for life. Since you were validly married to dad, I can’t support your attempting marriage with your boyfriend. It would be dishonest for me to attend your wedding, I hope you’ll understand."

 

[Seatuck]

"Mom, I love you very much and I have to tell you something that’s been weighing on my mind.

You’ve always encouraged me to seek the truth and stand up for what I think is right. You also raised me to be Catholic. Since becoming an adult and learning more Catholicism, I’ve come to respect and believe in the Church’s teachings, especially about marriage. The Church teaches that marriage is for life. Since you were validly married to dad, I can’t support your attempting marriage with your boyfriend. It would be dishonest for me to attend your wedding, I hope you’ll understand."

You could also add your regret that you didn’t know any better at the time of your Dad’s “wedding”.

 

[AdriannaJean]

Would an acceptable compromise be to not attend the ceremony, but the reception? Would that be immoral?

 

[kage_ar]

As a mom, while I might choose to commit a grave sin, to thumb my nose at the Church - while doing this, the last thing I would do is expect my daughter or son to come along for the ride and celebrate that sin. Your mom loves you, and surely she would not think so little of your faith to expect you to attend any of this?

 

[nodito]

Would an acceptable compromise be to not attend the ceremony, but the reception?

I probably wouldn’t. The reception is a celebration of what just happened during the wedding ceremony. It’s a chance for friends and families to show their support for the bride and groom and rejoice with them as they begin their life together. Since your mom is a married woman, this reception will be celebration of her and her boyfriend’s public decision to commit adultery.

Divorce and remarriage are so common nowadays that this position might seem extreme. But the fact remains that your mom is doing something seriously wrong, something that imperils her soul and causes scandal to those who learn about the situation. It is not loving to encourage or support her by being present at a party that makes a mockery of her marriage to your dad.

I’m sorry that you’re in this position. I think it’s terrible that the people we love most sometimes make decisions that force us to choose between being a witness to the truth and keeping the peace. I know you’ll need a great deal of grace and courage in the upcoming months, however you decide to handle the situation.

God bless.