Can I attend my mother's wedding?

[Michaelina27]

My mother recently got engage to her live-in boyfriend. I have objected to her living with him multiple times and it has put a great strain on our relationship. Now she wants to know if I will be a part of/attend her wedding. She has not had an annulment for her 22-year marriage to my father and has no intention of getting one. She has stopped going to Church because of the teaching on annulments and remarriage. What do I do? I don’t particularly want to go to the wedding on the grounds that she has repeatedly told my sisters and I that our opinions don’t matter about her boyfriend and he is more important. That being said, would I be morally complicit if I attended the wedding and thereby showed my support?

 

[1ke]

We should not participate as a bride/groom attendant, nor do readings, or in any other way support an invalid attempt at marriage.

While attendance is not explicitly prohibited I think there is enough in Catholic teaching that to pretend it is “fine” is disengenous. But, you will receive advice from both perspectives on this forum, some very adamant that their priest/deacon/whoever said it was Ok.

Talk to your pastor about whether or not you should attend, perhaps he can talk to your mom.

 

[nodito]

Michaelina27, welcome to CAF! I hope you enjoy your time here.

Because your mom has not received a declaration of nullity for her marriage to your father, she is presumed to still be married to him and her attempt at remarriage to her current boyfriend will be invalid. Although the Church has not expressly forbid attending weddings that will result in an invalid marriage (and many on here will likely suggest you go “to support the person” or “because you love her”), I tend to feel that in most cases, the best way to love a person is by refusing to celebrate their bad choices. In this case, by declining to attend, you would be witnessing to your understanding of the permanence of marriage (i.e., the permanence of her marriage to your father) and that by this action she is jeopardizing her soul. That said, I always recommend finding an orthodox priest to discuss the particulars of your own situation, since there may be times in which it is more prudent to attend.

See “Should I Attend the Wedding or Not?”
“To Attend, or Not to Attend”

Good luck.

 

[EasterJoy]

My mother recently got engage to her live-in boyfriend. I have objected to her living with him multiple times and it has put a great strain on our relationship. Now she wants to know if I will be a part of/attend her wedding. She has not had an annulment for her 22-year marriage to my father and has no intention of getting one. She has stopped going to Church because of the teaching on annulments and remarriage. What do I do? I don’t particularly want to go to the wedding on the grounds that she has repeatedly told my sisters and I that our opinions don’t matter about her boyfriend and he is more important. That being said, would I be morally complicit if I attended the wedding and thereby showed my support?

Show your support? Why would you support this? You don’t like the boyfriend or his morals, nor his effect on your mother’s, your mother values her relationship with him over her relationship with you, and as far as you are concerned this marriage is bigamy. I’d stay home. I certainly wouldn’t have thing one to do with participating in the ceremony directly.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

We see some consequences of when our action do not sync with our morals in the Chenny sister conflict. m.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2013/09/02/cheney-sisters-spar-over-gay-marriage-why-now/ Regardless if it’s a same-sex marriage, fallen away christains, polygamy, or other weird married arrangements … When we attend we are witness to the sacrament and are validating the sacrament.

Seems that we suffer from the “Boiled Frog” syndrome. God says all wrong-doings are hurtful. However, as we boil longer, we look for more outrageous signs before we feel we should stand for God’s rights toward good. It’s in small steps this we sometimes make great progress for His Glory.

However, I know Jesus would balance judgement and mercy … Which is challenging for us t do when we encounter wrong-doings against marriage. Mother Teresa of cacutta always challenged us to phrase negative in positive ways … So maybe you can offer your mother your prayers on the rosary that day; and let her know. I’m not skilled at this yet, so, hanging out with Jesus will give you better results.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

John the Baptist — stood for God against a King who married weird.

I heard this in a sermon. I guess in the OT they believed that if they saw perpetual sin they would goto Hell unless they got the sin to stop. This is why John the Baptist annoyed the King by yelling “Repent” night and day outside the kings dwelling. So, how many time can we stead fast ask for repentance when we see wrong doings?

I guess in the NT this evolved to when we see wrongdoings we are to first goto that person and tell them they are doing wrong (sounds like you already did this). If they will not listen we are to goto the Church and have them advise of wrongdoings. IDK if you could get Mom to meet with a Priest/Deacon with you over lunch, ask for repentance, maybe decline wedding if no repentance. I know seeing a priest is scary for fallen away Catholics, and you can be like a Saint there to intercede for Mom, and she may soften. I believe if I heard the homily correctly, we are not sentenced to Hell if they do not repent. Wish I remembered the Gospel reading for that day, but I don’t ( sorry )

John the Baptist, Pray for us.

 

[PhiloMed]

The question isn’t so much “can” you attend, but “should” you attend.

Of course you can. But the question of should is different and probably comes down to how much you want to preserve your relationship with your mother.

If you don’t go to the wedding she will likely be very hurt and any further attempts you may make (if this is even an option) at getting her to return to the church and have an annulment will certainly fall on deaf ears.

It’s amazing to me how much of the world is very black and white to people on CAF. This is your mother, not some casual acquaintance of yours.

 

[aidanbradypop]

I like your comment.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My mother recently got engage to her live-in boyfriend. I have objected to her living with him multiple times and it has put a great strain on our relationship. Now she wants to know if I will be a part of/attend her wedding. She has not had an annulment for her 22-year marriage to my father and has no intention of getting one. She has stopped going to Church because of the teaching on annulments and remarriage. What do I do? I don’t particularly want to go to the wedding on the grounds that she has repeatedly told my sisters and I that our opinions don’t matter about her boyfriend and he is more important. That being said, would I be morally complicit if I attended the wedding and thereby showed my support?

This is your mother. If you don’t go, there will be irreparable harm to the relationship. You need to keep that in mind when making your choice.

As far as can you? Yes Catholics can attend invalid marriages. Over half of the people in attendance at my (invalid) wedding were Catholic, and several people spoke to their priests about it in advance. No one was told that they could not or should not come. One of our groomsmen was Catholic, and he spoke to his priest about being in the wedding before accepting the position, and was given permission to be a part of the wedding.

If you and your sisters are adults, than your opinions about her relationship really do not matter, just like (if you are adults) her opinions on your relationships don’t matter.

 

[aidanbradypop]

This is your mother. If you don’t go, there will be irreparable harm to the relationship. You need to keep that in mind when making your choice.

As far as can you? Yes Catholics can attend invalid marriages. Over half of the people in attendance at my (invalid) wedding were Catholic, and several people spoke to their priests about it in advance. No one was told that they could not or should not come. One of our groomsmen was Catholic, and he spoke to his priest about being in the wedding before accepting the position, and was given permission to be a part of the wedding.

If you and your sisters are adults, than your opinions about her relationship really do not matter, just like (if you are adults) her opinions on your relationships don’t matter.

another great one

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

I’m sorry for your broken heart in seeing your families hurts. It must have been heartbreaking to experience the divorce. It’s probably heartbreaking to see a new man in your moms life. Having to ask for repentance is probably straining too. God will heal all wounds and might be asking you to act as his spiritual physician here and now. I pray your wounds too get well. ((((Hugs)))))

I have not read this book ( I can barely read food labels with a 2&1 year olds) “healing families” by Fr Yosef may help you… healingoffamilies.com

 

[EasterJoy]

This is your mother. If you don’t go, there will be irreparable harm to the relationship. You need to keep that in mind when making your choice.

As far as can you? Yes Catholics can attend invalid marriages. Over half of the people in attendance at my (invalid) wedding were Catholic, and several people spoke to their priests about it in advance. No one was told that they could not or should not come. One of our groomsmen was Catholic, and he spoke to his priest about being in the wedding before accepting the position, and was given permission to be a part of the wedding.

If you and your sisters are adults, than your opinions about her relationship really do not matter, just like (if you are adults) her opinions on your relationships don’t matter.

Will there be irreparable harm? There could be, but it may be that the mother who invited her children to be in her wedding is not so inflexible as some are. If the mother feels that she ought to be able to and actually has to live her life in spite of what her children think, it may be that she’ll be open-minded enough to accept her daughter’s sincere regrets, as well. Those who take control of their own lives have been know to let others have control of theirs, to not cut off contact over these differences. They could talk about it, and the OP would have a better idea of where her mother stands.

Remember, after all, that the person to whom the mother is presumably still married is the OPs father. This wedding puts her in a difficult spot, because the OP is the issue of the marriage that is at issue. It may be that the mother will be willing to take this into account, put herself in her daughter’s shoes and give her the choice to honor her own lights and not attend. Maybe Mom will be sad about it, but will choose not to be angry about it. It is possible. The daughter knows her mother; she ought to consider whether such a conversation might be helpful to both parties or not.

If someone had told you with regret that they felt they could not attend your wedding out of religious conscience, after all, would you really have cut them off for that? I would hope not. I know there are people who believe that everyone who can physically attend a wedding are duty-bound to do it or else have hell to pay, but that seems to give other people far too little room to do what they feel they need to do.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If someone had told you with regret that they felt they could not attend your wedding out of religious conscience, after all, would you really have cut them off for that? I would hope not. I know there are people who believe that everyone who can physically attend a wedding are duty-bound to do it or else have hell to pay, but that seems to give other people far too little room to do what they feel they need to do.

(Bolding Mine) No, of course not. But the number of conversations that my husband and I had, and the number of conversations that we had with his mother about this very issue beforehand are not insignificant. I don’t want to derail the thread, so I’ll keep this brief, but there actually is a lot to say on the issue. While we would not have cut someone out for that, it would have changed things dramatically between us. How dramatically? Well that would depend on who this person was, how they’ve treated us prior to this, how they treated us after, what their attitude and tone was like when they told us they weren’t going, etc.

As far as thinking that people are duty bound to go? No, we didn’t much care. People who went out of our way to tell us they weren’t going and that it was because we were making an “invalid” attempt at being married…that’s a different story. (Well, it would have been. Fortunately, it didn’t happen.)

But, this is the OP’s mom. The people I’m talking about are extended family. I know that if my own mother, or my MIL told us that they would not be at our wedding because even the act of going would be immoral, it would have been different. If it had been my mom, I would have been crushed, since we’ve always been so close. Our relationship would never be the same again. Not out of anger, but out of hurt. If she refused to go to my wedding, then exactly how am I supposed to let her be a doting grandmother? Those children came from the marriage she abhors. I would just never feel a real sense of closeness, caring, or intimacy again if she rejected my marriage like that. Call me petulant if you will, but I suspect that my reaction falls well within the norm.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

The question isn’t so much “can” you attend, but “should” you attend.

Of course you can. But the question of should is different and probably comes down to how much you want to preserve your relationship with your mother.

If you don’t go to the wedding she will likely be very hurt and any further attempts you may make (if this is even an option) at getting her to return to the church and have an annulment will certainly fall on deaf ears.

It’s amazing to me how much of the world is very black and white to people on CAF. This is your mother, not some casual acquaintance of yours.

Black and white? Right or wrong? I usually defer to the teachings of Holy Mother church in all things. That keeps it pretty simple and clears up an “grey” areas.

 

[EasterJoy]

(Bolding Mine) No, of course not. But the number of conversations that my husband and I had, and the number of conversations that we had with his mother about this very issue beforehand are not insignificant. I don’t want to derail the thread, so I’ll keep this brief, but there actually is a lot to say on the issue. While we would not have cut someone out for that, it would have changed things dramatically between us. How dramatically? Well that would depend on who this person was, how they’ve treated us prior to this, how they treated us after, what their attitude and tone was like when they told us they weren’t going, etc.

As far as thinking that people are duty bound to go? No, we didn’t much care. People who went out of our way to tell us they weren’t going and that it was because we were making an “invalid” attempt at being married…that’s a different story. (Well, it would have been. Fortunately, it didn’t happen.)

But, this is the OP’s mom. The people I’m talking about are extended family. I know that if my own mother, or my MIL told us that they would not be at our wedding because even the act of going would be immoral, it would have been different. If it had been my mom, I would have been crushed, since we’ve always been so close. Our relationship would never be the same again. Not out of anger, but out of hurt. If she refused to go to my wedding, then exactly how am I supposed to let her be a doting grandmother? Those children came from the marriage she abhors. I would just never feel a real sense of closeness, caring, or intimacy again if she rejected my marriage like that. Call me petulant if you will, but I suspect that my reaction falls well within the norm.

There you are…it is worth considering whether a conversation could remove this problem. I would definitely count the likely cost before leaping into this. A reality check is in order concerning what her mother is really like, as opposed to what the OP might wish she were.
I think your reaction falls well within the norm, but it is a reaction, not a response. Life is a lot better when the effort is made to meet people where they are. Also, I think that seeing your mother in the act of doting would have done a lot to put a balm on the old wound. Nevertheless, if the OP believes that nothing good would come of a conversation, I’d take her word on that. She is the one who will gain or lose with that gamble, and it is a gamble.

If the OP decides she is going no matter what her mother says, then the conversation doesn’t have to happen, in any event. I would not bring this up if I were not resolved to turn down the invitation. If someone is going to react with hurt, just the possibility of considering turning down the invitation will plant the seed of resentment. If the OP decides she is going but not comfortable in accepting the honor of participating, then she needs to have a talk acknowledging the honor of the invitation but also regretfully acknowledging the discomfort of her conscience about it. If her conscience or sentiments don’t allow going at all, she at least needs to acknowledge that she is turning down what was offered with the intention that it be an honor. I would really lean hard on how much I regret doing something that my mother might find painful, no matter how brave she was being about it. She needs to know that causing her pain is the farthest thing from the OPs mind.

 

[PhiloMed]

Black and white? Right or wrong? I usually defer to the teachings of Holy Mother church in all things. That keeps it pretty simple and clears up an “grey” areas.

Then you are blessed to live in such an uncomplicated world.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There you are…it is worth considering whether a conversation could remove this problem. I would definitely count the likely cost before leaping into this. A reality check is in order concerning what her mother is really like, as opposed to what the OP might wish she were.
I think your reaction falls well within the norm, but it is a reaction, not a response. Life is a lot better when the effort is made to meet people where they are. Also, I think that seeing your mother in the act of doting would have done a lot to put a balm on the old wound. Nevertheless, if the OP believes that nothing good would come of a conversation, I’d take her word on that. She is the one who will gain or lose with that gamble, and it is a gamble.

If the OP decides she is going no matter what her mother says, then the conversation doesn’t have to happen, in any event. I would not bring this up if I were not resolved to turn down the invitation. If someone is going to react with hurt, just the possibility of considering turning down the invitation will plant the seed of resentment. If the OP decides she is going but not comfortable in accepting the honor of participating, then she needs to have a talk acknowledging the honor of the invitation but also regretfully acknowledging the discomfort of her conscience about it. If her conscience or sentiments don’t allow going at all, she at least needs to acknowledge that she is turning down what was offered with the intention that it be an honor. I would really lean hard on how much I regret doing something that my mother might find painful, no matter how brave she was being about it. She needs to know that causing her pain is the farthest thing from the OPs mind.

I also think that a lot of this depends on the relationship between the OP and her mother. I know some people who would have responded with annoyance or slight hurt if their mother refused to go to their wedding. For me, it would have been much worse. But, my mom and I are and have always been really close. It would have felt like devastating abandonment if she pushed away my marriage like that.

I think that the closer they are, the more likely it is to be a huge deal. The feelings of rejection are stronger.

 

[EasterJoy]

I also think that a lot of this depends on the relationship between the OP and her mother. I know some people who would have responded with annoyance or slight hurt if their mother refused to go to their wedding. For me, it would have been much worse. But, my mom and I are and have always been really close. It would have felt like devastating abandonment if she pushed away my marriage like that.

I think that the closer they are, the more likely it is to be a huge deal. The feelings of rejection are stronger.

It also depends upon the terms of the relationship. Sometimes a truce is set up over deep differences of opinion, and there is acceptance that this will impose some absences that everyone would rather avoid, but that the two decide are worth it for the sake of honoring each other’s integrity. It is possible to say to yourself on your wedding day, “I wish my parents could be here, but I understand why they aren’t. At least they are only refusing to be a witness to the ceremony, but aren’t refusing to have anything to do with us.”

That can happen, but the OP really has to consult with her sister and have a good guess about what their options realistically are with their mother. If the OP feels certain her mother would go ballistic if such a talk ever took place, she does not have to run the experiment to satisfy me. I would believe her. She is the one who will have to live with the consequences of guessing on this one, and so she ought to go with her own best guess. That’s all anyone can ever do.