Can I attend my son's invalid marriage ceremony?

[masuwerte]

The secondary qualm is that he’s not marrying according to the laws he has promised to abide by. Smaller perhaps, especially considering that he may have been poorly catechized before asking to be received into the Church (which he did do), but hardly nothing!

I think the poor instruction is a big deal. He didn’t ask to be part of Catholicism, he asked to be part of what he had been told (by a priest, no less) Catholicism was. He was a victim of a bait and switch. His conversion was based on falsehoods, yet he’s expected to obey canon law for the rest of his life.

OP, if your son was Methodist, would you attend his wedding?

 

[EasterJoy]

I think the poor instruction is a big deal. He didn’t ask to be part of Catholicism, he asked to be part of what he had been told (by a priest, no less) Catholicism was. He was a victim of a bait and switch. His conversion was based on falsehoods, yet he’s expected to obey canon law for the rest of his life.

OP, if your son was Methodist, would you attend his wedding?

He did ask to be a part of Catholicism. Besides, if he was the victim of a childhood bait and switch, it is hard to believe he would have been planning to return to the Church as an adult. People change their minds; that is not evidence that they had been mislead into holding their first position. It isn’t even evidence that their first position was wrong.

Having said that, even his mother has been the victim of misinformation and misunderstanding of her own marital situation in the past.

I think if it were me, if my Catholic son were not practicing the faith and was living with his girlfriend and then decided to marry her in a Lutheran ceremony, then unless I knew her first marriage to be valid (and therefore the impending marriage to be polygamy), I’d probably consider the marriage to be less scandalous than the current situation, and consent to go in the hopes that a convalidation might follow. I would not quarrel with anyone in the same situation who decided she could not do that because she believed her son was marrying someone whom she knew was already married. She has to decide which course of action has the best chance of helping her son to a change of heart.

 

[jebojora]

I think the poor instruction is a big deal. He didn’t ask to be part of Catholicism, he asked to be part of what he had been told (by a priest, no less) Catholicism was. He was a victim of a bait and switch. His conversion was based on falsehoods, yet he’s expected to obey canon law for the rest of his life.

OP, if your son was Methodist, would you attend his wedding?

Yes. I would. Because he could receive a dispensation from the bishop to marry outside the Church. Or he could “formally renounce” Catholicism. This isn’t just about a Protestant service. She is divorced. She promised another man, in front of God, that she would love, honor and cherish him until death. So, it’s okay to just say “ooops sorry God” and start again? Jesus said that no man can divide what God has joined. How can that be rectified?

He did ask to be a part of Catholicism, however he was poorly catechized, as was I. When we were looking for a Church, we tried the Methodist, and a Baptist, but when we went to the Catholic Church, it was my son who said “Mom, this is the right religion.” He was involved in Life Teen, and went on retreats, he even considered becoming a priest at one time, wondering if he was called.

I’m not sure what you mean about bait and switch. His conversion wasn’t based on falsehoods…what are your referring to?

Also, just for all those who have posted, this isn’t about accepting my child, or not accepting him. I will accept him always. I will welcome him, and his wife in my home and my heart every day of my life. I’m not sure where all the offensive assumptions about being judgmental and self righteous come from.

My worry is if it is a sin to attend. I cannot knowingly sin just to make someone feel good or accepted. St. Paul says we cannot do an evil in order to bring about a good. My post was meant to ask for Catholic insight, relevant to Church teaching regarding this situation.

Most of you have given me your opinions, which is fine, but not relevant to Catholic teaching. I have an opinion too…if I decided based solely on my own emotions, motherly love, etc. I’d never have posted this in the first place. I’d be at his wedding with bells on. However, I am a Catholic, I believe that Christ is the head of the Church, and it matters. My faith influences how I live my life.

Easter Joy, I truly do appreciate your answers. They are helpful without being judgmental.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes. I would. Because he could receive a dispensation from the bishop to marry outside the Church. Or he could “formally renounce” Catholicism. This isn’t just about a Protestant service. She is divorced. She promised another man, in front of God, that she would love, honor and cherish him until death. So, it’s okay to just say “ooops sorry God” and start again? Jesus said that no man can divide what God has joined. How can that be rectified?

He did ask to be a part of Catholicism, however he was poorly catechized, as was I. When we were looking for a Church, we tried the Methodist, and a Baptist, but when we went to the Catholic Church, it was my son who said “Mom, this is the right religion.” He was involved in Life Teen, and went on retreats, he even considered becoming a priest at one time, wondering if he was called.

I’m not sure what you mean about bait and switch. His conversion wasn’t based on falsehoods…what are your referring to?

Also, just for all those who have posted, this isn’t about accepting my child, or not accepting him. I will accept him always. I will welcome him, and his wife in my home and my heart every day of my life. I’m not sure where all the offensive assumptions about being judgmental and self righteous come from.

My worry is if it is a sin to attend. I cannot knowingly sin just to make someone feel good or accepted. St. Paul says we cannot do an evil in order to bring about a good. My post was meant to ask for Catholic insight, relevant to Church teaching regarding this situation.

Most of you have given me your opinions, which is fine, but not relevant to Catholic teaching. I have an opinion too…if I decided based solely on my own emotions, motherly love, etc. I’d never have posted this in the first place. I’d be at his wedding with bells on. However, I am a Catholic, I believe that Christ is the head of the Church, and it matters. My faith influences how I live my life.

Easter Joy, I truly do appreciate your answers. They are helpful without being judgmental.

Marriage enjoys the presumption of validity, but your son’s fiancé is not in a tradition that requires a tribunal to investigate validity before re-marriage. The Lutherans handle it differently, but by and large they do not believe in no-fault divorce or that remarriage after divorce is an automatic OK. They do take marriage vows seriously, although as a divided denomination, there a range of opinions concerning what that means. (Here is one: lutheranreformission.blogspot.com/2011/12/divorce-remarriage.html)

Do you think you could arrange to talk to her Lutheran pastor and have him explain to you why he believes remarriage is permissible in her case? That might make this easier for you to decide whether you can witness their vows. At least it might show your son that you are trying to find a way to attend in good conscience–that is, it is not your concern that she is Lutheran, but that until you have reason to see otherwise, you are being forced to consider her married until the first attempt is shown to have been invalid. If you find that her marriage broke up for reasons that a Catholic tribunal would normally find grounds for a decree of nullity, then talk to your pastor about that. He might agree that it would be OK to go to the wedding, under the circumstances. I mean that they have decided to live together outside of marriage in spite of your disapproval of that. That shows that it doesn’t make any difference to them whether you approve or not.

 

[gh4]

I’m not a biggie on ceremony. However, if your son WANTS you to be there when he gets married, if I were you I would be there come heck or high water.

If you don’t go and he’s hurt, you may have injured your relationship with him for many years if not forever.
Go and support your son and let him know you love him.

 

[jebojora]

Marriage enjoys the presumption of validity, but your son’s fiancé is not in a tradition that requires a tribunal to investigate validity before re-marriage. The Lutherans handle it differently, but by and large they do not believe in no-fault divorce or that remarriage after divorce is an automatic OK. They do take marriage vows seriously, although as a divided denomination, there a range of opinions concerning what that means. (Here is one: lutheranreformission.blogspot.com/2011/12/divorce-remarriage.html)

Do you think you could arrange to talk to her Lutheran pastor and have him explain to you why he believes remarriage is permissible in her case? That might make this easier for you to decide whether you can witness their vows. At least it might show your son that you are trying to find a way to attend in good conscience–that is, it is not your concern that she is Lutheran, but that until you have reason to see otherwise, you are being forced to consider her married until the first attempt is shown to have been invalid. If you find that her marriage broke up for reasons that a Catholic tribunal would normally find grounds for a decree of nullity, then talk to your pastor about that. He might agree that it would be OK to go to the wedding, under the circumstances. I mean that they have decided to live together outside of marriage in spite of your disapproval of that. That shows that it doesn’t make any difference to them whether you approve or not.

Thank you.

I hadn’t considered talking to her Lutheran pastor. That’s something I may be able to do, just to get an understanding of their position.

I’ve been researching and reading all that I can. I have come to be hopeful that after a discussion with my son I will be able to attend. I will be talking with my priest next week.

 

[Colorad007]

Thank you everyone.

The thing is you get all sorts of answers from priests too.

A priest I know who is very traditional, which I agree with, said I should not attend. He originally posted a Facebook post about not attending an invalid wedding. I read it and emailed him . He said this:

If your son was baptized Catholic and goes through a “ceremony” at the Lutheran congregation, the only thing that will have change will be his civil legal status. Not only will he still be unmarried before God and the Church, he will also be committing the sins of scandal (ccc 2284-2285) and sacrilege (i.e. simulation of a sacrament). If you attend the wedding the knowing that it is wrong, then you will be committing the sin of scandal. If you attend figuring that you can go to Confession latter, then you are committing the sin of presumption (sinning knowing that God will forgive you anyway). This is a hard teaching. but Jesus says in Matthew 10:37 “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;”

I am so distressed about this. It comes to being completely submissive to Christ and having faith in God, or putting my son first.

While I can go “priest shopping” and find one to give me permission, is that the right thing to do? I love my son, obviously, and want to be at his wedding.

The thing I wonder is if I make sure my son and his fiancé know where the Church stands on their relationship. Why marriage is a sacrament, why theirs will not be one, and that ultimately I love them so much I want nothing less than heaven for them. Would that be enough to allow me to attend?

I think of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son. Am I able to go there?

Listen to the priest. His answer was very, very good.

Your attendance at that wedding is a scandal. Period. Your son needs to know how much you love him, how much you want him to be happy, and how much you want him to near our Lord. You aren’t being unloving to your son by not attending. You are showing him love by demonstrating to him that the only way to be truly happy in this life and the next is by serving God obediently.

You can’t follow your son around through your life as he makes an absolute mess of his. Be there for him. Walk with him. But don’t follow him into catastrophes like this. Welcome his fiancé, spend time with them, be open to them. But don’t attend a sacrilegious wedding.

 

[Colorad007]

If you don’t go, you will probably lose your son for good. And honestly…if you can’t accept him and love him for who he is, then maybe his life will be less painful without the constant reminder that his family rejects him. I am sorry for your son. I am sorry he doesn’t have the acceptance that he should have.

With all due respect, that is absurd. Nobody is being rejected, except, perhaps, Christ, which is the most pernicious rejection of all. It is entirely possible to be fully accepting of a person without participating in the scandal of a wedding that isn’t really a wedding. Our job it first of all to witness to our faith in Christ–what does it say about her faith to attend a wedding that very clearly trounces upon the majesty of Matrimony? Our kids are amazingly important, but they aren’t gods, and they shouldn’t be treated as such, where we would even subject ourselves to scandal out of “love” for them.

 

[jebojora]

Listen to the priest. His answer was very, very good.

Your attendance at that wedding is a scandal. Period. Your son needs to know how much you love him, how much you want him to be happy, and how much you want him to near our Lord. You aren’t being unloving to your son by not attending. You are showing him love by demonstrating to him that the only way to be truly happy in this life and the next is by serving God obediently.

You can’t follow your son around through your life as he makes an absolute mess of his. Be there for him. Walk with him. But don’t follow him into catastrophes like this. Welcome his fiancé, spend time with them, be open to them. But don’t attend a sacrilegious wedding.

Thank you for understanding the true issue here.

I’ve been doing a lot of research. My interest is in doing what is right in the eyes of God, and I’m hopeful, at this point, that I may be able to attend. I have an appointment to talk to my parish priest next week, and hopefully can get the guidance I need.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

With all due respect, that is absurd. Nobody is being rejected, except, perhaps, Christ, which is the most pernicious rejection of all. It is entirely possible to be fully accepting of a person without participating in the scandal of a wedding that isn’t really a wedding. Our job it first of all to witness to our faith in Christ–what does it say about her faith to attend a wedding that very clearly trounces upon the majesty of Matrimony? Our kids are amazingly important, but they aren’t gods, and they shouldn’t be treated as such, where we would even subject ourselves to scandal out of “love” for them.

While you’re entitled to that opinion, Et Cetera is correct that this could very seriously damage or even destroy the relationship the OP has with her son.

I can tell you that if my mom or my husband’s mother had refused to attend our wedding, and made it clear that they didn’t believe our marriage was real, they would not be a close part of our lives today. And a relationship with our children would be extremely limited. Let’s face it, if you say to me “Your marriage is not real, you’re just living in sin, and I refuse to support you starting a family”, then I won’t allow you to be alone with or influence my child. I would see you as undermining my family.

 

[Colorad007]

While you’re entitled to that opinion, Et Cetera is correct that this could very seriously damage or even destroy the relationship the OP has with her son.

I can tell you that if my mom or my husband’s mother had refused to attend our wedding, and made it clear that they didn’t believe our marriage was real, they would not be a close part of our lives today. And a relationship with our children would be extremely limited. Let’s face it, if you say to me “Your marriage is not real, you’re just living in sin, and I refuse to support you starting a family”, then I won’t allow you to be alone with or influence my child. I would see you as undermining my family.

And there are a lot of people who will reject loved ones for becoming Catholics. If her son choose to do this, it is incredibly sad, tragic, awful, and heartbreaking. But at Catholics are dedication to God first and only then our families. None of us can possibly know what this person’s relationship with her son is like. Maybe it is wonderful and will easily survive. Or maybe it is already on the ropes. The point is that our focus is on the cross and not on ourselves or our children.

As a new father, I can’t even fathom what having a child cut me off would be like. Horrible. I would do whatever possible to avoid that. Except one thing–offend our Lord who is truly more precious than life itself.

 

[Bonnie]

I can tell you that if my mom or my husband’s mother had refused to attend our wedding, and made it clear that they didn’t believe our marriage was real, they would not be a close part of our lives today. And a relationship with our children would be extremely limited.

Same here. Both my parents had been raised with the belief that Catholics were not really Christian. In spite of that, they not only attended our Catholic wedding, but Mom knocked herself out with the decorations & food. It was their first-ever Mass. Neither said anything negative, unless you count my Dad’s comment about the priest “washing the dishes!”

It was somewhat hurtful a few years later when they didn’t attend our son’s baptism, but they just didn’t see it as important. They did, however, attend the First Communion Masses for both children. I think by then they were realizing that one can be Catholic and Christian.

And that’s why we attended our daughter’s non-Catholic, non-Christian marriage ceremony. We knew she’d be hurt if we didn’t, and that would harm our relationship. And she knows we want her back in the Church. We haven’t been reticent about that!

 

[masuwerte]

Do you think you could arrange to talk to her Lutheran pastor and have him explain to you why he believes remarriage is permissible in her case? That might make this easier for you to decide whether you can witness their vows. At least it might show your son that you are trying to find a way to attend in good conscience–that is, it is not your concern that she is Lutheran, but that until you have reason to see otherwise, you are being forced to consider her married until the first attempt is shown to have been invalid. If you find that her marriage broke up for reasons that a Catholic tribunal would normally find grounds for a decree of nullity, then talk to your pastor about that. He might agree that it would be OK to go to the wedding, under the circumstances. I mean that they have decided to live together outside of marriage in spite of your disapproval of that. That shows that it doesn’t make any difference to them whether you approve or not.

This is a really good idea, IMHO.

 

[masuwerte]

Or he could “formally renounce” Catholicism.

That’s no longer an option, the Catholic Church stopped accepting defections a few years ago. Just saying.

 

[Et_Cetera]

With all due respect, that is absurd. Nobody is being rejected, except, perhaps, Christ, which is the most pernicious rejection of all. It is entirely possible to be fully accepting of a person without participating in the scandal of a wedding that isn’t really a wedding. Our job it first of all to witness to our faith in Christ–what does it say about her faith to attend a wedding that very clearly trounces upon the majesty of Matrimony? Our kids are amazingly important, but they aren’t gods, and they shouldn’t be treated as such, where we would even subject ourselves to scandal out of “love” for them.

Wow, with all due respect, I’m really glad you’re not my parent. In fact, your post makes me want to give my own parents a hug right now, but I’d have to make a flight for that. Your post also makes me glad that I don’t believe in the kind of God who would punish me for attending my son’s wedding because it didn’t fit some little rule, which in my knowledge of Catholicism isn’t even a rule. I thought that religion wasn’t supposed to be about control and fear?

OP, if you don’t want to go, then don’t. But when your son later tries to cut ties with you and says that you really hurt his feelings, then don’t think that you’ll have much recourse. How do you think that will look when the rest of the wedding guests ask where the groom’s mother is? “Oh, we aren’t Catholic, so she wouldn’t attend.”

If you really believe that you’ll be punished with some eternal hell for going to a wedding ceremony, then I think you need to take a look at how you’re going through life and realize that it’s possible to get so caught up in tiny laws that you cause actual harm. How do you think that would make your son feel? Really? Do you think that hurting someone’s feelings is okay? People have common sense for a reason. This is one of the most important days that your son will ever have, and if you believe that there is a God who would be offended that you would share it with him, then I’m sorry…I’m just sorry for you. I’m sorry for your son as well. I hope that the other guests will be positive and loving towards him and his new wife and that they will be able to look past negative and disapproving relatives on their day.

 

[Bookcat]

I do not attend a wedding that is going to be invalid…how can I “celebrate” such?

Nor do I give a gift etc. For that too is celebrating and showing approval.

I love them and remain friends or family etc but I do not attend.

In all things let us keep the following in mind:

Catechism of the Catholic Church:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

• by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
• by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
• by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
• by protecting evil-doers.

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V

All our actions are to be “truth with love” and “love with truth”.

See below for articles from CA Staff that address the question of attending an invalid wedding ceremony. They address the question at length in different ways.

 

[Bookcat]

Lots from Catholic Answers from different Staff Apologists on this question:

catholic.com/search/content/WEDDING%20ATTENDANCE

 

[Kelt]

Wow, with all due respect, I’m really glad you’re not my parent. In fact, your post makes me want to give my own parents a hug right now, but I’d have to make a flight for that. Your post also makes me glad that I don’t believe in the kind of God who would punish me for attending my son’s wedding because it didn’t fit some little rule, which in my knowledge of Catholicism isn’t even a rule. I thought that religion wasn’t supposed to be about control and fear?

OP, if you don’t want to go, then don’t. But when your son later tries to cut ties with you and says that you really hurt his feelings, then don’t think that you’ll have much recourse. How do you think that will look when the rest of the wedding guests ask where the groom’s mother is? “Oh, we aren’t Catholic, so she wouldn’t attend.”

If you really believe that you’ll be punished with some eternal hell for going to a wedding ceremony, then I think you need to take a look at how you’re going through life and realize that it’s possible to get so caught up in tiny laws that you cause actual harm. How do you think that would make your son feel? Really? Do you think that hurting someone’s feelings is okay? People have common sense for a reason. This is one of the most important days that your son will ever have, and if you believe that there is a God who would be offended that you would share it with him, then I’m sorry…I’m just sorry for you. I’m sorry for your son as well. I hope that the other guests will be positive and loving towards him and his new wife and that they will be able to look past negative and disapproving relatives on their day.

I do so agree with you. If the lady wants her son to see Catholicism in a positive light then it’s making her reject him and his wife on their wedding day is absolutely NOT the way to do it!
Is God this cruel, rule obsessed ogre? And there’s me thinking God is Love!
There’s too much hate in the world…I think the priest is very very wrong…I’d go so far as saying wicked to cause so much anguish.

 

[gh4]

Wow, with all due respect, I’m really glad you’re not my parent. In fact, your post makes me want to give my own parents a hug right now, but I’d have to make a flight for that. Your post also makes me glad that I don’t believe in the kind of God who would punish me for attending my son’s wedding because it didn’t fit some little rule, which in my knowledge of Catholicism isn’t even a rule. I thought that religion wasn’t supposed to be about control and fear?

OP, if you don’t want to go, then don’t. But when your son later tries to cut ties with you and says that you really hurt his feelings, then don’t think that you’ll have much recourse. How do you think that will look when the rest of the wedding guests ask where the groom’s mother is? “Oh, we aren’t Catholic, so she wouldn’t attend.”

If you really believe that you’ll be punished with some eternal hell for going to a wedding ceremony, then I think you need to take a look at how you’re going through life and realize that it’s possible to get so caught up in tiny laws that you cause actual harm. How do you think that would make your son feel? Really? Do you think that hurting someone’s feelings is okay? People have common sense for a reason. This is one of the most important days that your son will ever have, and if you believe that there is a God who would be offended that you would share it with him, then I’m sorry…I’m just sorry for you. I’m sorry for your son as well. I hope that the other guests will be positive and loving towards him and his new wife and that they will be able to look past negative and disapproving relatives on their day.

I agree with you 100%.

 

[jebojora]

I am so disappointed in the majority of the responses I received to this very personal and difficult question.

Most of you, not all, accused me of being cold, rejecting, and judgmental. I find it interesting that the very things you accuse me of, you are doing to me. Is that how it goes?

I realize that when you post your personal life in a public forum, that you open yourself up to all kinds of people and opinions. I would have expected these hurtful answers in a non-religious forum, but I certainly did not expect it in a Catholic forum. A valuable lesson learned.

I’m glad I gave so many of you an opportunity to feel superior and self-righteous. To judge me, my love for my son, and my Catholic faith.

I’m a Catholic. You can’t be Catholic and ignore God, or Church teaching. So many of the responses never mentioned this. Never even considered that the Church has authority. I don’t know who is Catholic and who is not, but if you are Catholic and just ignore whatever Church teachings don’t fit your personal opinions, you’re in serious trouble.

I love my son. I love him so much I’m willing to sacrifice for him. I never said I wasn’t going to attend, I was only looking for honest, Catholic understanding and advice. I got very little of that.

If your child was drinking too much would you say something? If your child was making choices that put his physical life in danger would you try to stop him? If you do are you being judgmental? Cold? If you care for his physical life why don’t you care for his eternal life?

This idea that we know God and God is just like us, is a dangerous notion. Amazing how many of you feel that you know the mind of God. Or that any religion that would even suggest that you not attend your son’s wedding, is unchristian. Wow…it boggles the mind that so many professed Christians and Catholics tell God what he can and cannot do.

Jesus says that divorce is wrong. That to remarry is to commit adultery and to cause the new spouse to commit adultery. But your recommendation is to ignore Christ, his words means nothing when faced with the possible loss of a family relationship. I worry about all of you.

I do not yet know if I will attend. I do know I will talk to my son. I love him there is nothing judgmental in this at all. I want the best for him, I want salvation for him. So many of you have lost your way. I assume you don’t even believe in Hell, because it doesn’t fit your “ideal” of God.

If in deed, I do attend he will understand that his marriage is invalid. That’s not my judgment, or even the judgment of the Church. That is Christ himself who said so. I don’t care how many people on this forum say otherwise, Jesus’ words are more important to me than yours.

I will not be reading any more of your responses. I am done with you. Thank you to the very few people who actually tried to help. Your responses mean a lot, and I will most certainly take them into consideration. To the others, I will pray for you.