Can I Attend This Wedding?

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My first cousin is getting married to a man who’s once had a civil divorce. He has two daughters and has full custody of them. I know nothing about his previous marriage or whether it was valid or invalid. I wouldn’t want to offend my entire family (including extended family) by declaring their marriage to be invalid and adulterous since I don’t have that authority. On the other hand I don’t want to attend if the relationship is adulterous. Neither of them are, to my knowledge, practicing Christians. Can I or should I, as a practicing Catholic, attend this wedding?

Thanks in advance.
 
I’m not exactly in a position to say what you should do as a Catholic, but as someone who believes in the importance of family, I think you should go. This is an important day for your cousin. Please don’t make her have to put a caveat to that.
 
My sister is marrying a divorced man. Neither of them are Catholic, so they don’t have a Catholic understanding of marriage. Still, though, I know his prior marriage is presumed valid until proven otherwise, and the chance that it would ever be examined by a tribunal is miniscule.

That said, I know the rift it would cause if I did not attend, so I am and will be using that opportunity to pray for my sister.

If it were a more distant relative, though, I would just decline and not give a reason (you’re not obliged to go just because you are invited, and you aren’t required to offer more than regrets that you can’t attend.)
 
OP, are either of them Catholic? You mentioned that you are, and that they aren’t practicing Christianity, but not if they were ever Catholic.

However, you are correct, you have no way of knowing whether their marriages were valid or not. No need to ask them. As others have said, attend if you want for the sake of your family, and pray for them.
 
Moneyball said:
My first cousin is getting married to a man who’s once had a civil divorce. He has two daughters and has full custody of them. I know nothing about his previous marriage or whether it was valid or invalid. I wouldn’t want to offend my entire family (including extended family) by declaring their marriage to be invalid and adulterous since I don’t have that authority. On the other hand I don’t want to attend if the relationship is adulterous. Neither of them are, to my knowledge, practicing Christians. Can I or should I, as a practicing Catholic, attend this wedding?

Thanks in advance.
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Yes. You can go.
 
Thank you all for the responses.

@Irishmom2 My cousin was baptized Catholic and got her sacraments… she hasn’t been practicing since her youth though, she’s now approaching her late 30’s.

@pensmama87 The family is not distant, we’re actually quite close. I know it would cause some friction if my wife and I did not attend… I know because just a year ago we didn’t attend a same-sex ceremony from another member of the same family… there were tears and heated arguments as a result.

@Catholic1954 I guess I should clarify. Technically Canon Law does not prohibit Catholics from attending any given ceremony, including same sex ceremonies (to my knowledge anyway). I guess I’m just looking for feedback from other practicing Catholics as to whether or not it would be scandalous for us to attend such an event. For example, how many of you would decline attending a same-sex ceremony but would consider going to a wedding involving a divorced groom?
 
OP, you do not say if they are getting married in a Catholic Church or not, or if they have a dispensation to marry in a non-Catholic form, or if the groom got a declaration of nullity. It may be that you do not know any of those things. That being said, you may charitably assume that the marriage is valid. There is no scandal for you to attend. There is also no reason to feel bullied to attend any wedding that you do not want to. You can just have other plans that day. Be an adult. There can be no “heated arguments” if you refuse to engage in such behavior.
 
The way I see these situations is that your non-attendance isn’t going to stop the wedding but will cause a rift.
 
Moneyball said:
Thank you all for the responses.

@Irishmom2 My cousin was baptized Catholic and got her sacraments… she hasn’t been practicing since her youth though, she’s now approaching her late 30’s.

@pensmama87 The family is not distant, we’re actually quite close. I know it would cause some friction if my wife and I did not attend… I know because just a year ago we didn’t attend a same-sex ceremony from another member of the same family… there were tears and heated arguments as a result.

@Catholic1954 I guess I should clarify. Technically Canon Law does not prohibit Catholics from attending any given ceremony, including same sex ceremonies (to my knowledge anyway). I guess I’m just looking for feedback from other practicing Catholics as to whether or not it would be scandalous for us to attend such an event. For example, how many of you would decline attending a same-sex ceremony but would consider going to a wedding involving a divorced groom?
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there’s a difference.

a same-sex wedding can never be valid, under any circumstance

a wedding with a divorced groom at least has the potential to be valid and may well be, but like you said, we know nothing of his previous marriage

I know it’s an awkward situation to be in. if you don’t want to go, just decline but if you foresee major issues then just go. you can also discuss with a priest, if you want to be sure
 
Dear Money,
I think it’s really up to you if you go or not. It’s one of those things you can ask your priest for advice about and go from there. I’d pray about and go with you gut.
 
Moneyball said:
Thank you all for the responses.

@Irishmom2 My cousin was baptized Catholic and got her sacraments… she hasn’t been practicing since her youth though, she’s now approaching her late 30’s.

@pensmama87 The family is not distant, we’re actually quite close. I know it would cause some friction if my wife and I did not attend… I know because just a year ago we didn’t attend a same-sex ceremony from another member of the same family… there were tears and heated arguments as a result.

@Catholic1954 I guess I should clarify. Technically Canon Law does not prohibit Catholics from attending any given ceremony, including same sex ceremonies (to my knowledge anyway). I guess I’m just looking for feedback from other practicing Catholics as to whether or not it would be scandalous for us to attend such an event. For example, how many of you would decline attending a same-sex ceremony but would consider going to a wedding involving a divorced groom?
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There was NO such thing as “same sex marriage” until recently so Canon Law didn’t have to deal with it, and YES it is wrong to attend such a thing for a Catholic. NO technically about it!!! I was also told by a very Holy Priest that I could not attend Catholics marrying out of the Church as it would be condoning a sinful act that separates them even further from their faith. Just because someone does something sinful, doesn’t mean I have to go along with it. If they were robbing a bank, I wouldn’t “go along” with that either, or get an abortion, etc. If someone chooses to do wrong, we do NOT have to go along to get along just for families sake. It is wrong for family or anyone to expect us to go against our faith. I have many family members, nieces and nephews, that have ‘married’ out of the Church and I have never attended any of them. They don’t even expect me to! God Bless, Memaw
 
angell1 said:
there’s a difference.

a same-sex wedding can never be valid, under any circumstance

a wedding with a divorced groom at least has the potential to be valid and may well be, but like you said, we know nothing of his previous marriage

I know it’s an awkward situation to be in. if you don’t want to go, just decline but if you foresee major issues then just go. you can also discuss with a priest, if you want to be sure
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This.
I hope you find peace.
 
I just recently saw this article and thought you might find some help in reading it. Here is a brief excerpt:
“… I cannot attend any ceremony where I believe I will be disrespecting God by witnessing something of which He would unequivocally disapprove. Thus, I will do my best to compassionately and lovingly inform you, in an effort to guide you back onto the right path. Ultimately, doing so is the greatest form of love I can express toward you, and the highest form of charity. But if I do not succeed, and you pursue a path away from Christ and His Church, I will nonetheless still love you, pray for you, and still even lay down my life for you. I do not have to like your choices to love you dearly and unconditionally. But neither should you have to like mine to love me.”
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And here is a link to the full article:

I Cannot Attend Your Wedding, Because Of Love
 
Personally, I would never attend a same sex marriage because it’s wrong and that will never change in the eyes of the church.

I have though attended heterosexual weddings of non-catholics, my understanding is there is no problem with attending that type.
 
Thanks again for all your replies and prayers, I appreciate it.

@PaulfromIowa sorry, it seemed clear in my head that when I said they are not practicing Christians that the Church wasn’t involved in the process at all. So no, they are not getting married in the Church and I highly doubt they even thought about looking into getting a declaration of nullity.

I know how to be an adult, thank you. I’m not being bullied to do anything, I’m simply looking for clarification.

@ConfusedLucy right, but then again the same could be said for a same sex ceremony. Sometimes doing the right thing comes at a price.

@angell1 I completely agree, I was wondering if that distinction was a sufficient reason for a practicing Catholic to attend one event but not the other (other being the SSM).

@Memaw So to be clear, are you saying that if you were in my position that you probably wouldn’t attend? If so, could you please elaborate on this?

I fully understand that one should do the right thing even in the face of family/peer pressure, but the whole point of this topic is for me to try and figure out whether it would be inherently wrong for us to go in the first place.

@pianistclare, AveOTheotokos, and JanetF Thank you.
 
Moneyball said:
Thanks again for all your replies and prayers, I appreciate it.

@PaulfromIowa sorry, it seemed clear in my head that when I said they are not practicing Christians that the Church wasn’t involved in the process at all. So no, they are not getting married in the Church and I highly doubt they even thought about looking into getting a declaration of nullity.

I know how to be an adult, thank you. I’m not being bullied to do anything, I’m simply looking for clarification.

@ConfusedLucy right, but then again the same could be said for a same sex ceremony. Sometimes doing the right thing comes at a price.

@angell1 I completely agree, I was wondering if that distinction was a sufficient reason for a practicing Catholic to attend one event but not the other (other being the SSM).

@Memaw So to be clear, are you saying that if you were in my position that you probably wouldn’t attend? If so, could you please elaborate on this?

I fully understand that one should do the right thing even in the face of family/peer pressure, but the whole point of this topic is for me to try and figure out whether it would be inherently wrong for us to go in the first place.

@pianistclare, AveOTheotokos, and JanetF Thank you.
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That’s right, I would not attend. I had talked to a very Holy priest and he advised me not to risk my Faith because someone else is willing to risk theirs. He asked me if I would celebrate a “successful” bank robbery by them. Would I celebrate with them?? Or give them a gift?? No I would NOT. Many of my nieces and nephews were not married in the Catholic Church as they married non-Catholics. I told the first few why I was not able to attend and most even stopped asking me. They just knew I couldn’t. Now-a-days, the great nieces and nephews do not even bother to get married in any way. Most have several children with different fathers or mothers. It’s hard to believe things have gone so far downhill in the past 60 years. When the opportunity comes up, I try to explain but it mostly falls on deaf ears. God Bless, Memaw
 
ConfusedLucy said:
The way I see these situations is that your non-attendance isn’t going to stop the wedding but will cause a rift.
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Christ said that following Him could cause rifts in one’s family, so those rifts should just be considered a “cost of discipleship”.
 
Norseman82 said:
Christ said that following Him could cause rifts in one’s family, so those rifts should just be considered a “cost of discipleship”.
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I’m always surprised by this. I’m not particularly close to my extended family, but my husband is to his. We get invitations to things on both sides all the time and we don’t always attend. Nobody’s offended that we don’t come, and nobody’s offended that other people don’t come. We just politely decline and go about our lives. 🤷

Invitations are not supposed to be “you better show up or else.” They are an invitation, and one is free to decline or accept for their own reasons.
 
pensmama87 said:
I’m always surprised by this. I’m not particularly close to my extended family, but my husband is to his. We get invitations to things on both sides all the time and we don’t always attend. Nobody’s offended that we don’t come, and nobody’s offended that other people don’t come. We just politely decline and go about our lives. 🤷

Invitations are not supposed to be “you better show up or else.” They are an invitation, and one is free to decline or accept for their own reasons.
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Right, it’s an invitation not a summons. You can decline, without explanation, or attend in good conscience.
 
I did not attend my sisters civil wedding (invalid because she and the groom are baptized Catholics). She was told why, and did not make an issue of it. However, two of my aunts rang me and tried to encouraged me to go. They were told that I could not witness her doing something that was wrong.

I sent her a text on the day saying something like wishing you both every happiness. I have also made it clear that I love her in other ways.

She and my aunts are still talking to me. I think that that is because none of them doubt that I love her but obviously cannot be sure, my family may simply be more understanding of my beliefs than yours.
 
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