Can I be forgiven? What do I do?

  • Thread starter Thread starter snowbunny343
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

snowbunny343

Guest
Let me start off by saying that I have never been to a Catholic Church nor have I in the house I live in had the opportunity to really go to any Church or engage in any religion - I do however believe in God, though my knowledge of Him is limited. I know this would be my fault as we live in the age of computers and surely I could locate some bible online. Anyway, I suppose I will try to organize everything I am feeling in a way that makes sense.

Please note that I am by no means justifying/saying anything I’m typing is right/okay/normal - in fact, it is quite the opposite. I realize how horrible everything I’ve done has been and how terrible of a person I’ve been. I REALIZE MY ACTIONS HAVE BEEN WRONG/INCREDIBLY STUPID. I am a seventeen year old female, this sequence of events starts when I was fifteen or perhaps a little before the age of fifteen. At the age of fifteen I was just getting out of a two year relationship with a man (I say man because the individual was eighteen years of age.) whom I should have never been speaking with/talking to. We will call him R.

(Before I continue, I must point out the fact that I did not understand at all at the time the things I was doing - I know this makes it no better and it isn’t an excuse, I just need to point this out for things I am going to type later to make sense.) R was obviously above my majority level or at least had more understanding than I did - R was a grown-man and as many grown men do had “needs” of the sexual nature. I was thirteen-fifteen throughout my time with R and incredibly uncomfortable with ANYTHING sexual.

Talking about/thinking about/hearing about sex made me literally nauseous, I wanted nothing to do with it and quite honestly, did not understand it or have any desire for anything sexual. What I did have a desire for was attention and love. Because of my desire for a companion and for someone to care for me I made several stupid decisions - to make a long story short, I took photographs in my bra and in tight-fitting shirts with cleavage. I had not thought to take them initially, R had suggested I take them for him and I foolishly wanting to win them over, did.

As I grew older throughout that year I realized how manipulative R was, and when he said “You realize we’re not actually together right?” I had, had enough and with a guilty heart swore to never talk to him again, made sure I didn’t have the opportunity to come in contact with him again. (I should probably mention now that I had met this person online . . . in case I forgot to mention this.) The whole jist I am trying to get out of this is that after this incident it took me pretty much up 'till a few months ago to forgive myself and believe that God could forgive me for the sins I had committed.

Going on, not long after I had met someone who we will call G. G and I’s life stories were nearly identical. We both suffered emotionally abusive/neglectful parents, many of the same traumas/fears, and we nearly emotionally identical. Throughout the course of two years we had gotten to know each other more and more and fell in love. (And yes . . . I know I have made the same mistakes again here - G is five years older than me and lives miles away.) I stupidly agreed to take pictures for G, honestly thinking I was going to marry this man someday.

This time however it was much worse - I have taken literally hundreds of naked pictures for this man in the nude and also, as ashamed as I am to admit it, masturbated on webcam for him. I felt very guilty for taking this pictures/doing these things at first, but I assured myself that since I loved him that it was okay and eventually I had come to almost enjoy it, mostly because it made him happy and seemed the only way to feel closer when we were so far apart. Recently our relationship is taking a tumble - I do not make him happy anymore, though he will not admit as much, it is very clear. Though I do not want to be with any other person and certainly have no desire to date anyone, I can no longer see us ending up happy together - though I can’t imagine myself being happy with anyone else, and really am just wishing I could be alone with God very often now.

Now I realize how terrible these sins I have committed are. I’m not sure what advice I am looking for or what I am looking to hear through all this - I will be eighteen soon and am going through all these huge turning points in my life and I am hating myself at the moment. I hate myself for all the things I’ve done. I feel like such a terrible, filthy, useless creature that doesn’t deserve anyone, let alone God’s love or forgiveness. Even if I was able to be forgiven, I feel like it does not erase the horrible person I have become or the horrible things I’ve done - I just want to be someone else. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost.
 
You are a very courageous young lady to open up the way that you did. All I can say is that Jesus Christ picked His twelve apostles and one denied Him and one betrayed Him. There are no sins that are too big for God to forgive. If a sin were too big for God then that sin becomes a god and that is never the case. There is only one God and He is infinintely bigger than any sin we can commit. Jesus died your all of our sins and all we have to do is repent of those sins and ask for God’s forgiveness. You mentioned that you are not Catholic so the Sacrament of Reconciliation may not be available to you but that does not prohibit God’s forgiveness.

You must realize that what you did was wrong and you expressed that in your post. You must tell God that you plan on never doing those kinds of things again with a sincere and contrite heart. God created you out of love and He is love so you cannot ever have Him stop loving you. When we sin it is us that turns away from the grace of God in our lives. God never leaves. We do. God is ALWAYS there waiting with open arms for us to return to Him.

So, can you be forgiven? Absolutely!! What do you do? You should seek spiritual direction from a pastor or preferably from a Catholic priest and confess your sins. If you are not Catholic the priest cannot absolve your sins but he can definitely guide you towards the peace that you are seeking.

I will pray for you. We all sin and make mistakes. No one is perfect and God sent His only Son to take upon Himself our sins and nail them to the cross. God bless you and continue in your journey towards God. You are doing well by coming here. Do not become depressed because the love of God surpasses anything that we could ever do.

God bless you now and always… teachccd 🙂
 
You were a minor when you were doing these things–one who was used by adult men for their sexual pleasure and then dumped. They are guilty of CRIMES by accepting such pictures from you and should be in JAIL!

Yes, your actions were sinful, but theirs were worse. Jesus told us what should happen to people who cause children to sin:

Matt.18[6] but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Have you talked to any adult person you can trust, such as a parent, minister, teacher or counselor? You should–immediately. S/he would tell you the same thing–you had crimes committed against you and you were abused by these men. Seek competent help right now because you need it.

Don’t go online to find relationships. There are many predators like these men just waiting for hurting, vulnerable young girls like you to abuse for their own amusement. What happened to you was wrong, and these men are to blame far more than you are.
 
God’s Mercy is greater than our sins… read the gospel and you will see how much He wants to forgive us if we repent.
 
As long as you can breathe, forgiveness is possible.

Whatever you may have done, someone out in the square mileage has done much worse.

ICXC NIKA
 
snowbunny343 said:
Let me start off by saying that I have never been to a Catholic Church nor have I in the house I live in had the opportunity to really go to any Church or engage in any religion - I do however believe in God, though my knowledge of Him is limited. I know this would be my fault as we live in the age of computers and surely I could locate some bible online. Anyway, I suppose I will try to organize everything I am feeling in a way that makes sense.

Please note that I am by no means justifying/saying anything I’m typing is right/okay/normal - in fact, it is quite the opposite. I realize how horrible everything I’ve done has been and how terrible of a person I’ve been. I REALIZE MY ACTIONS HAVE BEEN WRONG/INCREDIBLY STUPID. I am a seventeen year old female, this sequence of events starts when I was fifteen or perhaps a little before the age of fifteen. At the age of fifteen I was just getting out of a two year relationship with a man (I say man because the individual was eighteen years of age.) whom I should have never been speaking with/talking to. We will call him R.

(Before I continue, I must point out the fact that I did not understand at all at the time the things I was doing - I know this makes it no better and it isn’t an excuse, I just need to point this out for things I am going to type later to make sense.) R was obviously above my majority level or at least had more understanding than I did - R was a grown-man and as many grown men do had “needs” of the sexual nature. I was thirteen-fifteen throughout my time with R and incredibly uncomfortable with ANYTHING sexual.

Talking about/thinking about/hearing about sex made me literally nauseous, I wanted nothing to do with it and quite honestly, did not understand it or have any desire for anything sexual. What I did have a desire for was attention and love. Because of my desire for a companion and for someone to care for me I made several stupid decisions - to make a long story short, I took photographs in my bra and in tight-fitting shirts with cleavage. I had not thought to take them initially, R had suggested I take them for him and I foolishly wanting to win them over, did.

As I grew older throughout that year I realized how manipulative R was, and when he said “You realize we’re not actually together right?” I had, had enough and with a guilty heart swore to never talk to him again, made sure I didn’t have the opportunity to come in contact with him again. (I should probably mention now that I had met this person online . . . in case I forgot to mention this.) The whole jist I am trying to get out of this is that after this incident it took me pretty much up 'till a few months ago to forgive myself and believe that God could forgive me for the sins I had committed.

Going on, not long after I had met someone who we will call G. G and I’s life stories were nearly identical. We both suffered emotionally abusive/neglectful parents, many of the same traumas/fears, and we nearly emotionally identical. Throughout the course of two years we had gotten to know each other more and more and fell in love. (And yes . . . I know I have made the same mistakes again here - G is five years older than me and lives miles away.) I stupidly agreed to take pictures for G, honestly thinking I was going to marry this man someday.

This time however it was much worse - I have taken literally hundreds of naked pictures for this man in the nude and also, as ashamed as I am to admit it, masturbated on webcam for him. I felt very guilty for taking this pictures/doing these things at first, but I assured myself that since I loved him that it was okay and eventually I had come to almost enjoy it, mostly because it made him happy and seemed the only way to feel closer when we were so far apart. Recently our relationship is taking a tumble - I do not make him happy anymore, though he will not admit as much, it is very clear. Though I do not want to be with any other person and certainly have no desire to date anyone, I can no longer see us ending up happy together - though I can’t imagine myself being happy with anyone else, and really am just wishing I could be alone with God very often now.

Now I realize how terrible these sins I have committed are. I’m not sure what advice I am looking for or what I am looking to hear through all this - I will be eighteen soon and am going through all these huge turning points in my life and I am hating myself at the moment. I hate myself for all the things I’ve done. I feel like such a terrible, filthy, useless creature that doesn’t deserve anyone, let alone God’s love or forgiveness. Even if I was able to be forgiven, I feel like it does not erase the horrible person I have become or the horrible things I’ve done - I just want to be someone else. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost.
Click to expand...
maybe checkout the message of St. Faustina’s diary and the Divine Mercy, very powerful! Just do a google search and there will be many results. 🙂
 
teachccd said:
.
Click to expand...
Thank you a million teachccd for responding (And everyone else I haven’t gotten the chance to read so far). teachccd, Your response quite honestly made me tear up. I feel deep in my heart and believe all the things you say of God. I at the moment have no hopes of seeking any pastor/priest (My Father was raised Catholic and over the years has grown a general distaste for religion/Catholicism/ and anything Christian really. My Mother is agnostic.) however once I have the opportunity to, I intend to. Thank you for your prayers and kind words. I really, really appreciate it. God bless you as well.
 
Its always hard to know if God forgives you if rely on just a “feeling” of being forgiven. But if you can’t go to a priest, try to attend a church service. Any sort of service as long as its traditional. There is usually in such services a penitential act. The benefit is that you will hear the priest say that you are forgiven even if you haven’t detailed all your sins. From a Catholic perspective, this is insufficient for mortal sins. But if your not a Catholic, that’s not an issue. 😉

Failing that, try just saying the words when you feel pressured by sin. Here is a penitential act from the Book of Common Prayer.
Almighty and most merciful Father,
we have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep,
we have followed too much the devices and desires of our
own hearts,
we have offended against thy holy laws,
we have left undone those things which we ought
to have done.
and we have done those things which we ought not
to have done.
But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us,
spare thou those who confess their faults,
restore thou those who are penitent,
according to thy promises declared unto mankind
in Christ Jesus our Lord;
and grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake,
that we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life,
to the glory of thy holy Name. Amen.
Click to expand...
Maybe you’ll also find these Bible quotes (also from the BCP service) comforting

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us; but if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8,9

Seeing that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:14,16

May God go with you

Peter
 
Della said:
You were a minor when you were doing these things–one who was used by adult men for their sexual pleasure and then dumped. They are guilty of CRIMES by accepting such pictures from you and should be in JAIL!

Yes, your actions were sinful, but theirs were worse. Jesus told us what should happen to people who cause children to sin:

Matt.18[6] but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Have you talked to any adult person you can trust, such as a parent, minister, teacher or counselor? You should–immediately. S/he would tell you the same thing–you had crimes committed against you and you were abused by these men. Seek competent help right now because you need it.

Don’t go online to find relationships. There are many predators like these men just waiting for hurting, vulnerable young girls like you to abuse for their own amusement. What happened to you was wrong, and these men are to blame far more than you are.
Click to expand...
During my first relationship I do agree that it was not entirely my fault and the other party was also to blame as I was nearly just a child then and manipulated during a time I couldn’t understand I was being manipulated, but in the second one, I am not so sure. Throughout the second one which has been from the latter half of being 15 to 17 I have been a minor, but a child? I am not saying I’m a full-fledged adult by any means, but I feel my sins must be at least equal to the other half’s as I have not been innocent and unaware as a child might be.

To answer your question, my Mother knows about the relationship at least. No one else besides a few friends. But the photos, no one knows about. In my house we tend to keep things quiet. My Father is a bit emotionally unstable (He has various issues - mental problems from the stroke he had, PTSD, anger issues, bi-polar disorder, ect.) and I would like not to put him under a lot of stress, especially when I’ll be eighteen in less than a year and my brother and sister already cause so much (Smoking weed, cigarettes, drinking, lying, ect.)
 
Of course God forgives you, but now you must forgive yourself! Everyone makes stupid, regretful choices during their lifetime, but you cannot define yourself by the mistakes you make. By now I’m sure you know that letting someone talk you into something you feel uncomfortable in doing is not the way to go and ANYthing that goes on the internet will stay there, somewhere, forever. It’s not too late to change, remember, you are made in the image and likeness of God and he will love you for eternity, no matter what. 🙂
 
You are 18 years of age, you do not need to ask your parents for permission to go to church. Go to a Catholic Church that has an Adoration Chapel. There you will find Jesus, in the Eucharist. Kneel or sit in front of Him, and pour out your heart to Him (silently of course!). Tell Him all of your sins and ask for His forgiveness. Spend as much time as you can in front of Jesus. What happens next will be through His and the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

You have already been forgiven. But do not EVER post or send photos like that again. God gave you your body so that you can honor Him with it, and that is not honoring God, as you well know. Technology has made it possible for horrible things to take place in the privacy of our own homes. Please, never do that again. I hope that you have not given out your address or personal details to these men, either. That is so dangerous.
 
snowbunny343 said:
Thank you a million teachccd for responding (And everyone else I haven’t gotten the chance to read so far). teachccd, Your response quite honestly made me tear up. I feel deep in my heart and believe all the things you say of God. I at the moment have no hopes of seeking any pastor/priest (My Father was raised Catholic and over the years has grown a general distaste for religion/Catholicism/ and anything Christian really. My Mother is agnostic.) however once I have the opportunity to, I intend to. Thank you for your prayers and kind words. I really, really appreciate it. God bless you as well.
Click to expand...
You are welcome. Things will be good as you are on the right path. A previous poster was right in saying that as a minor you were exploited and those men should be held accountable. But that doesn’t necessarily ease your pain in recognizing what you did and the guilt that you hold. I can tell you that you were taken advantage of and that is indeed the case but that is not particularly how you view it. So keep your head up and continue on your journey with God and all things will be good. God loves you sooo much and NOTHING can ever change that. You take your time and seek counseling when you think that the time is right. Healing takes time and God is with you every second of the way. God bless…teachccd
 
oldschoolguy, GEddie, and ChibiViolet thank you for your words of consol. They really do mean a lot. And TomD123, I will Google them the moment I get the chance! Thank you for the suggestion.

And thank you a million, Peter. The penitential act and the Bible quotes are incredibly comforting and amazingly beautiful. I will surely try reciting those words when I feel pressured by sin. And I will try to attend a church service sometime soon - it is difficult in my house and due to my circumstances, but I will certainly try.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You are 18 years of age, you do not need to ask your parents for permission to go to church. Go to a Catholic Church that has an Adoration Chapel. There you will find Jesus, in the Eucharist. Kneel or sit in front of Him, and pour out your heart to Him (silently of course!). Tell Him all of your sins and ask for His forgiveness. Spend as much time as you can in front of Jesus. What happens next will be through His and the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

You have already been forgiven. But do not EVER post or send photos like that again. God gave you your body so that you can honor Him with it, and that is not honoring God, as you well know. Technology has made it possible for horrible things to take place in the privacy of our own homes. Please, never do that again. I hope that you have not given out your address or personal details to these men, either. That is so dangerous.
Click to expand...
I am seventeen years of age, not eighteen I am afraid. And thank you for your response, I agree with you completely of course.
 
Catholic1954 said:
Of course God forgives you, but now you must forgive yourself! Everyone makes stupid, regretful choices during their lifetime, but you cannot define yourself by the mistakes you make. By now I’m sure you know that letting someone talk you into something you feel uncomfortable in doing is not the way to go and ANYthing that goes on the internet will stay there, somewhere, forever. It’s not too late to change, remember, you are made in the image and likeness of God and he will love you for eternity, no matter what. 🙂
Click to expand...
I just wanted to say thank you, and thank you to you all. Everyone who posted here. It really means so, so much to me. There is not much I can say because you all have said enough and are completely right. Just thank you. I must be going now. God bless you all.
 
SnowBunny343

God has loved you since before you were born and loves you now.

He knows you are repentant.

There are non so pure as the purified:

Since you are not a Catholic I cannot suggest confession to you, but God knows your heart.

Try and move on and don’t look back.👍
 
snowbunny343 said:
I just wanted to say thank you, and thank you to you all. Everyone who posted here. It really means so, so much to me. There is not much I can say because you all have said enough and are completely right. Just thank you. I must be going now. God bless you all.
Click to expand...
Ok. Peace be with you.
 
snowbunny343 said:
Let me start off by saying that I have never been to a Catholic Church nor have I in the house I live in had the opportunity to really go to any Church or engage in any religion - I do however believe in God, though my knowledge of Him is limited…
Click to expand...
Would I be correct in inferring that you have not yet been baptized? If that is the case, then when you are baptized, all sin will be removed from your soul at that time (assuming the Trinitarian formula in a tradition that is compatible with Catholic belief). When you reach age of majority, you will be able to choose for yourself to seek baptism. Have you actually asked your parents whether they would support your pursuit of religion? Even though they are not interested for themselves, they may be willing to accommodate your own inquiry.

After you are baptized, the normative way of forgiveness for later sins is through Confession/Reconciliation. However, that is only binding on Catholics. If you don’t enter the Catholic Church, ask whomever your pastor would be on how to deal with them.
 
If you have not been baptized, that option is open for you. Go to a local priest and he can get you started on the path towards it.

If you have been baptized, go to confession, tell the priest all of your sins and you should be forgiven.

It is quite clear from your post that you are repentant for all you have done. From the last line of your post, it almost sounds like you are on the brink of despair, so I’ll tell you something a priest once told me: When God made you, He knew everything you ever would do with your life, every good thing and every single sin you would ever commit. Even though He knew that you would masturbate, even though He knew every single sin you will ever commit in future, He still loved you so much that He saw fit to create you and still loves you more than you or I can possibly comprehend.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top