Can I date someone who's not Catholic?

[Carlj1497]

So there’s this girl in my art class that I really like, and I know for a fact that she likes me. I wanted to ask her out, but the thing is she’s Mormon. Can we still date?

 

[UbiCaritas]

So there’s this girl in my art class that I really like, and I know for a fact that she likes me. I wanted to ask her out, but the thing is she’s Mormon. Can we still date?

You can. There’s nothing that says it’s a sin to date someone who is of another religion. (You mention “art class.” I’m assuming, of course, that you’re talking about a late-high-school or college class. If you’re younger than that, might I suggest not dating until you can foresee entering into marriage within a couple of years? This way, you can focus on school and preparing a career for yourself in your eventual role as a husband and father. It’s hard to focus on both. I dated my husband while I was in grad school, and I’m honestly amazed that we ended up married, judging by the amount of time I couldn’t spend with him due to other obligations. Thank God we did, of course, but it was also only one semester. If it had been longer, I’m not sure the relationship would have taken it. End long digression. )

The question you need to ask yourself is this: Am I willing to possibly enter into a mixed marriage in which my spouse does not help me raise my children in the Catholic Church? In order for you to be validly married to a non-Catholic, you would need to promise to raise any children Catholic and she would have to agree not to interfere.

Likewise, there are a lot of issues for Catholics that other faith traditions don’t have. The most obvious one in a marriage, the raising of children aside, is birth control. Catholics may use NFP in order to space children for good reasons, but they can’t use hormonal or barrier methods of contraception. People of other faiths, understandably, have a very hard time accepting this.

Mind you, I have known a few interfaith marriages that worked. I’ve also known a lot more that were total disasters, and usually over one or both of the points I listed above. If you look over a lot of topics on this board, you’ll see the NFP one come up again…and again…and again…and again. It’s a hard teaching–a true one, but very hard to live with in today’s world, and far more so if you don’t believe in it yourself.

Which is why I decided that for me, the best decision would be to not date someone who wasn’t a practicing Catholic who was on the same page as I was about NFP, birth control, raising kids, and so forth. You may decide differently, but before you do, I really suggest you read some of the threads on here in which one spouse is Catholic, the other isn’t, and the non-Catholic spouse is insisting on using birth control. They’re painful to read, but I think they are something that anyone who’s considering marriage should read and consider.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can* marry *her, if you get a dispensation, and you can date her without one.

Here is the question: Is that a good idea for either one of you? Not unless she accepts that the normal means by which Christ has elected to make himself and his redemptive work manifest in the world is in the Church and her sacraments. That is the truth, not a religious opinion. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, although I believe it is well-meaning and in earnest, is based on religious fallacy. Joseph Smith was in error, and the Mormons, although in earnest in their desire to serve God, are spreading Smith’s errors in their evangelization. There is no getting around that, and it would be very difficult to accommodate your appreciation of her position and her attitude towards yours (since of course there would not be any Latter-Day Saints if Joseph Smith did not believe the Catholic Church to be profoundly and fundamentally in error, as well).

If you are wise, you will get serious about your own faith and your practice of it, and meet a like-minded wife that way.

 

[manualman]

Yes.

You can smoke too if you like. Doesn’t make it a good idea for the long term though.

Mixed faith marriages can work, but the mixed faith aspect will ALWAYS make it much harder, not easier. As you may have noticed, marriage is hard enough these days. If you choose not to date women you really shouldn’t marry, you won’t fall in love with them. Once that happens, it’s REALLY hard to change course.

My advice is to set a wise course now, not try to turn back later.

 

[Carlj1497]

First off, yes, this is a college art class. Secondly, who said anything about marriage? I just wanted to go on some dates.

 

[Mary_Ellen]

Just going on some dates can lead to other things. Dating is the activity we use to search for a potential life-long partner, i.e…, a husband or wife. Dating **is **pre-engagement activity.

So you go on a few dates. What can happen? You can end up liking her more, dating more, liking and maybe loving her and wanting to marry her.

If your faith is important to you now, can you share that with her now? Will you be able to take her to mass with you? Share in the most life-giving moment of our faith, that is, the Eucharist? No, not now and you cannot predict the future. Is a mixed marriage something you’re willing to undertake? Maybe she’ll convert, maybe not, and if she does - will it be for you or because she finds that Christianity and the Catholic Church are truly the right way to go?

You asked if you can date her. Yes, you can, but there may be consequences and you should take them into consideration before doing so.

 

[UbiCaritas]

First off, yes, this is a college art class. Secondly, who said anything about marriage? I just wanted to go on some dates.

Well, here’s the thing. Obviously, there’s no way to tell if she’s Miss Right without dating her–no one’s arguing that! But starting and ending relationships is hard on people. Dating her without seeing marriage as a possibility at all at the end of the road isn’t really fair to either of you. In short, when you date, think of it as an action with a goal: you’re looking for a future spouse with whom to live out your vocation to marriage. Again, this doesn’t mean you need to rush into things, or that you need to know by date three if this is the woman for you! It does mean that, for example, dating someone with whom you have nothing in common except that you each think the other person’s cute is setting up a disaster of a relationship. (This last isn’t directed at you; I’m sure this girl has many good qualities! I just use that as an example.) It’s not fair to her, if she’s looking for a spouse, too, and it isn’t fair to you. Breaking up hurts, even when it needs to happen and two people just aren’t right for each other. If you can’t imagine marrying a person, dating them is nothing but setting yourself and the other person up for heartbreak in exchange for a brief fun time. Not really fair, is it?

When my now-husband and I started dating, we didn’t know, of course, that we’d end up married. What we did know, from date to date, is that we didn’t see any red flags that meant that the relationship shouldn’t move forward. I.e., I could see that he wasn’t an alcoholic and that he treated all women, not just the woman he was dating, with courtesy and respect. He could see that I love kids and babies. Etc. As well as subjects we both found interesting (books, music, movies, ideas…), we also talked about marriage and family life–not in the specific for us until we were nearly engaged, you understand, but in general as it came up through stories about our families or incidents we’d seen. We talked about our faith, and how it affected us. If he had mentioned at some point that he didn’t accept, say, the Church’s teaching on NFP, then if I couldn’t persuade him otherwise, I’d have broken up with him. He’d have done the same. Not because we didn’t care about each other, but because we did. It wouldn’t have been fair for me to get more involved with someone who I’d make unhappy because of differing beliefs on something so important, and it wouldn’t have been fair of him to do so, either. Our future marriages (well, it turned out to be “marriage” in the singular, but you known what I mean) were far too important to us for either of us to set ourselves up for failure by doing otherwise.

Does this make any sense?

I grant you it’s a different way of looking at dating than a lot of the world does, but I think it does help people not get hurt over and over again. I had a lot of friends who each dated a lot of guys. When those relationships didn’t work out, even though it was usually for the best, they were miserable. For that matter, I had some guy friends who had the same thing happen to them. Narrowing the field by not getting involved with someone with whom it would have been, at best, near-impossible to build a future, would have saved all of them a lot of unhappiness.

 

[EasterJoy]

First off, yes, this is a college art class. Secondly, who said anything about marriage? I just wanted to go on some dates.

If you want to be platonic friends, that is OK. You are allowed to have non-Catholic friends. It is worth being aware that the Mormons (unlike, say, the Jews) consider proselytizing to be one of their more compelling religious duties, and that you also have a duty to avoid being lead into heresy or apostasy. (The heresy of relativism poses the greatest danger in having non-Catholic friends on a contemporary college campus.) Having said that, when you are willing to interact with non-Catholics in an open and friendly way you also have the opportunity to extend the love of God by loving them as your neighbors, to witness the Catholic faith operating in your own life by your fidelity to your own core beliefs, and to correct misconceptions about the Catholic faith in particular and the truths of divine revelation in general when topics with religious significance come up. IOW, there are both dangers and opportunities when a Catholic has non-Catholics as close friends.

You said, though, that you wanted to ask her out, so I think we all presumed you would be open to the possibility of a relationship with more than a platonic aspect to it. If you are not resolved not to marry her, then by asking her out you’re taking on the possibility that the relationship will progress to the point that marriage is on the table. It is just the way the dating thing works, once you get to college. Otherwise, think of the alternative: at what point did you plan on telling this girl that you like that also likes you that while you enjoy her company specifically for being female company you don’t consider her “wife material”? If you’re not very up front that you only have a platonic relationship in mind, do not play with her affections by dating her when you are resolved not to marry her. You should not imply that falling in love with you is something she might allow herself to do without the certainty that she’ll be hurt when you don’t reciprocate. That isn’t a nice thing to do to someone you like.

 

[on_the_hill]

So there’s this girl in my art class that I really like, and I know for a fact that she likes me. I wanted to ask her out, but the thing is she’s Mormon. Can we still date?

Yes, as long as she’s not already married. Both the Church and LDS tend to frown on that.

 

[Rete]

I think marriage with a Mormon would be quite unworkable if both were serious about their faith. Protestants are one thing, but Mormons are a completely different set of problems.

For instance, how exactly do you plan to baptize the children? The Mormon baptism is not a valid baptism. Then are you going to send your kids to a Mormon temple or to your parish?

 

[robwar]

So there’s this girl in my art class that I really like, and I know for a fact that she likes me. I wanted to ask her out, but the thing is she’s Mormon. Can we still date?

looks like you are a new Catholic in RCIA? what is the purpose of dating? For most people, it is to find a spouse. Marriage is very challenging enough without issues of different religions and as a Catholic, you are obligated to marry in the Church with the promise of raising your children Catholic. So with those things in mind, it is unwise to date out of the faith, even though she is nice and attractive to you. It is much better to find someone that will share your commitment to your faith and its practice. If you go ahead and get involved, it is much harder to undo a relationship. Mormon may seem Christian but it isn’t and while it is hard to envision what is down the road, you should read the threads on CAF from those looking now for help because they married out of the faith and now have a holy war on their hands due to differences in religion and beliefs. Some of the advise here given is very concerning and you shouldn’t be encouraged to date out of the faith with someone that isn’t even really Christian.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think marriage with a Mormon would be quite unworkable if both were serious about their faith. Protestants are one thing, but Mormons are a completely different set of problems.

For instance, how exactly do you plan to baptize the children? The Mormon baptism is not a valid baptism. Then are you going to send your kids to a Mormon temple or to your parish?

This is the thing: Mormonism is not just a separated Christian sect. Their theology goes outside the boundaries of Christianity entirely, and their baptism is understood and administered in an entirely different way. Both the Mormons and the Vatican agree on this point, and neither recognizes the baptism of the other as valid.

Catholic Answers have some very helpful tracts on Mormonism:
catholic.com/tracts/distinctive-beliefs-of-the-mormon-church
catholic.com/tracts/mormon-stumpers
catholic.com/quickquestions/is-mormonism-polytheistic

EWTN has some, as well:
ewtn.com/library/answers/mormon.htm
ewtn.com/library/answers/camorm2.htm

There are more good resources out there. Be aware of this, though: just as with the Catholics, not all Mormons actually know what their church teaches, nor do all Mormons fit the ideals that others espouse. They aren’t all trying to get their friends and acquaintances to join their church. They don’t all have a year’s worth of food squirrelled away in their basement. While it is worthwhile to learn what the Church of Latter Day Saints really teaches, you can’t assume your friend in art class either knows all of it or cares about it a lot. Every person is different.

Still, it would also be unfair to assume that if this girl does not understand all the teachings of her church that she doesn’t plan on raising her children Mormon. One’s connection to the religion of one’s childhood can seem very tenuous, and then children come and that all changes to something far stronger. Don’t conclude that because she is not serious about her faith now that she won’t be serious when it comes to getting married and raising her family.

 

[Carlj1497]

I never said I though she wasn’t wife-material, I’m just not thinking about marriage right now. She’s also very curious about the Catholic Church, and she’s always asking me about practices, the origins of it, etc. She’s not the kind of person who thinks Catholics are evil, pagan, Babylonian homosexuals (that’s my dad’s view on the Church ).

 

[EasterJoy]

I never said I though she wasn’t wife-material, I’m just not thinking about marriage right now.

Our concern is that the two of you realize that you could be buying each other some real difficulties if you fall in love, difficulties you ought to have taken into consideration before you start dating.

She’s also very curious about the Catholic Church, and she’s always asking me about practices, the origins of it, etc. She’s not the kind of person who thinks Catholics are evil, pagan, Babylonian homosexuals (that’s my dad’s view on the Church ).

The Church has her detractors, perhaps more detractors than admirers, but the opponents who consider us “evil, pagan, Babylonian homosexuals” are on an extreme end of even that group! (There are fewer of those than even the number of people who think Muslims are suicidal terrorists who imagine they are destined to have 70 virgins to themselves for eternity if they take out enough infidels with them when they die.)

 

[cradlecatholic5]

Yes you can.

My husband was raised in the Mormon faith, he now attends non-demon services or Mass with me.

 

[Ridgerunner]

Yes you can.

My husband was raised in the Mormon faith, he now attends non-demon services or Mass with me.

There are various sub groups of Mormons. Among those I have been familiar with, your husband would be considered a “Jack-Mormon”; a renegade, simply by being married to you. Husbands are supposed to ensure that their wives provide “service” to the Mormon church in the form of cleaning, organizing things, doing assigned charitable work, and so on. If their wives are not Mormons, it doesn’t work, the man has failed in his duty. And most definitely going to any service other than Mormon, makes a person a “Jack-Mormon”, just totally out of the good auspices of the church and, among some, shunned.

 

[joshvanrad]

I’ve seen plenty of people come to conversion during dating. I say go for it! Dating is a the place to discern whether or not you belong with a certain person- you can’t know until you try. However, don’t just brush off the difference of religions. Confront the situation and determine if that is something you are both willing to deal with.

Joshua C.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

Jack-Morman? renegade?

Ridgerunner, you got it!

 

[PattiDay]

While there’s no rule that you can’t date someone outside your faith, it’s probably not a great idea for someone who is new to their faith. I would advise you to seek out Catholic friends, male and female, who can introduce you to Catholic culture. Is there a Newman Center at your college or a FOCUS group? It’s especially important for someone new to the faith to have a peer support group, and it will never be easier to make friends than right now. God bless.

 

[robwar]

I never said I though she wasn’t wife-material, I’m just not thinking about marriage right now. She’s also very curious about the Catholic Church, and she’s always asking me about practices, the origins of it, etc. She’s not the kind of person who thinks Catholics are evil, pagan, Babylonian homosexuals (that’s my dad’s view on the Church ).

You asked about going out or dating which does lead to engagement and marriage. If she is truly curious about the Catholic Church offer to have her attend with you in RCIA classes to see what it is all about. Since it looks like you yourself are a new Catholic or becoming one, it is wiser to date Catholics that share your faith or commitment to it. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends but you have to realize that even Protestant churches do not encourage their young people to date outside their respective traditions which Mormon is not considered Christian even though it may appear as such. All you have to do is go to either prayer request or family life here on CAF and look at the threads written by those who are now married to non-Catholic (Protestant, atheists etc) and the problems they now have on their hands in a marriage to a non-Catholic. One’s faith and their practice of it is core central to that person and when a couple shared in the same faith and commitment, that is your basis for a strong and happy marriage. There are enough challenges in marriage not to have to throw into it a difference in the practice of one’s faith.
The Catholic view of marriage is a sacramental one, which the couple not only are to work together to help each other out but likewise work together to raise the children in it. I am sure she is a very nice and sincere person otherwise you wouldn’t have been attracted to her but unless maybe she would attend RCIA classes with you, maybe you need to rethink this.