Can I "elope" and have a Catholic ceremony?

[Richard320]

Sounds like a PITA to me.

Unless you’re in a country that requires separate civil and religious ceremonies, it’s a waste of time. What you propose would be like paying for a drive-through carwash at the gas station and then taking the car to get a full wash and detail somewhere else!

A Catholic wedding need not be a huge public spectacle like the wedding scene in The Godfather. You could probably arrange it for some weeknight after work. The parish might not even charge you for the church, then! Once all the paperwork and prep is done, the actual ceremony could be done in half an hour. Bride, Groom, Priest, Two Witnesses.

 

[Joe_5859]

A Catholic wedding need not be a huge public spectacle like the wedding scene in The Godfather. You could probably arrange it for some weeknight after work. The parish might not even charge you for the church, then! Once all the paperwork and prep is done, the actual ceremony could be done in half an hour. Bride, Groom, Priest, Two Witnesses.

I’ve been to Catholic weddings like this. The Church’s requirements are very minimal. It is the larger society that hoists on us all these expectations of lavishness.

 

[Bran_Stark]

I don’t know whether the OP is from Mexico, but under Mexican law (and in many other countries as well), one must get married in a civil ceremony. The church wedding has no legal status. In the United States, a Catholic priest or deacon has the legal authority to witness a civil marriage, so two ceremonies are not necessary. Many of our Hispanic parishioners are not aware of American law on this subject, so they get married by the local judge and begin living together (in mortal sin) while saving for a lavish church wedding which often never happens. Putting one’s soul in danger of damnation is never a good idea.

I don’t understand… are you implying that in Mexico the Church considers it acceptable to live together after a civil marriage?

 

[DarkLight]

I don’t understand… are you implying that in Mexico the Church considers it acceptable to live together after a civil marriage?

Given that Cavaille said that they were “living in mortal sin”, I expect the answer is no. Rather it sounds like the concern is about people who think their church wedding has to be a big fancy affair, so rather than be married in the eyes of the church they choose to live together after a civil wedding, thinking they’ll get their “church wedding” when they can throw a big party.

It’s sort of sad how we’ve turned it into a big fancy affair that’s more about money than commitment.

 

[Richard320]

It’s sort of sad how we’ve turned it into a big fancy affair that’s more about money than commitment.

Agreed.

The Archdiocese of Los Angeles requires couples to attend Engaged Encounter. They gussy it all up with flowery language, but the actual purpose is to confront the couples with questions that need to be answered before it’s too late, and cause them to call the wedding off, or at least postpone it until the conflicts can be resolved. It’s much easier to stay out than to get out.

True stories: At my EE retreat we were given free time Saturday night. Some of the guys started a poker game. The next morning in the bathrooms I overheard a conversation. They had stayed up until 3 AM and one guy lost several hundred dollars. He couldn’t avoid gambling for two nights! When I went to collect my now-wife, the gambler’s fiance was waiting for him, and looked plenty upset. A co-worker went on his retreat. Told us he had a bottle stashed in the trunk; he couldn’t sleep without a few stiff belts. He was shocked that his fiance got upset at him. And then he told us about a couple that had a huge fight when discussing finances - groom-to-be flatly told the room that he wasn’t going to get a joint account because he didn;t trust her!

My pastor constantly emphasizes that “the wedding is only a day, the Marriage is for a lifetime -get your priorities straight.”

 

[Rence]

My fiance and I decided that having a traditional wedding was not working for us. We got lost in so much of the planning, budget, and details that it took us a while to realize that our wedding should be about us. We’re planning on getting married in another city (but same state). I guess we’re “eloping” in the sense that it we’re forgoing a traditional wedding day and just going to the courthouse (we are planning on only including our parents and our siblings).

Of course, we also do want to have a Catholic ceremony. My fiance is not Catholic but is totally supportive of us getting married in the Church, raising our kids Catholic, etc. That being said, the city we’re eloping to is not even within the diocese. We’re willing to go through the marriage prep, but will be allowed to have a ceremony? Even if it’s just the priest doing our vows. Any further information is greatly appreciated!

Thanks <3

My mom married her second husband at City Hall for the convenience of making it legal and changing her name, ID, etc. But then had a ceremony in Chuch with just family and a few friends. The reception was in the house of her husband’s oldest daugher, then had a breakfast catered at the same place the next morning. They already went through the pre-canna stuff, so that wasn’t a problem. That was pretty inexpensive.

 

[babochka]

Unless you are in another country (one which requires a civil ceremony to make the marriage legal), I just don’t see the point in having a courthouse wedding. I have known couples who have needed to do so for practical purposes, but have lived separately until the church wedding. Those circumstances are quite rare, however. The two examples I’m thinking of are cases in which one of the couple has been in the U.S on a fiancee visa, which required the couple to marry in a relatively short period of time, which did not allow them to complete the pre-cana requirements in order to have a church wedding.

 

[lizaanne]

I don’t know whether the OP is from Mexico, but under Mexican law (and in many other countries as well), one must get married in a civil ceremony. The church wedding has no legal status.

Ah yes - good point I had forgotten about. It is the same in the UK as well I believe - you need to have a civil “ceremony” and then you can have whatever religious ceremony you wish.

~Liza

 

[VivienneJ]

Ah yes - good point I had forgotten about. It is the same in the UK as well I believe - you need to have a civil “ceremony” and then you can have whatever religious ceremony you wish.

~Liza

Also in The Netherlands. And in South Africa only those clergy (of all denominations) that are authorised by the Department of Home Affairs to act as Marriage Officers can conduct a “legal” wedding. When I worked at the Anglican church there we only had 2 Marriage Officers and when one of the other priests conducted a wedding, one of the Marriage Officers also had to be present to make the marriage legal. My daughter was married in the Catholic Church and had the main priest of the parish been able to conduct her wedding the assistant priest would have attended the rehearsal and have signed the marriage certificate then. As it was Father was called to a meeting with the Bishop and the assistant conducted the wedding so both church and legal requirements were part of the same ceremony.

 

[Bran_Stark]

Given that Cavaille said that they were “living in mortal sin”, I expect the answer is no. Rather it sounds like the concern is about people who think their church wedding has to be a big fancy affair, so rather than be married in the eyes of the church they choose to live together after a civil wedding, thinking they’ll get their “church wedding” when they can throw a big party.

It’s sort of sad how we’ve turned it into a big fancy affair that’s more about money than commitment.

Yes, but wouldn’t this be equally true in both countries? I don’t understand how different civil marriage laws in the USA and Mexico should make a difference.

 

[DarkLight]

Yes, but wouldn’t this be equally true in both countries? I don’t understand how different civil marriage laws in the USA and Mexico should make a difference.

My impression is that, because they have to get a civil marriage anyway in Mexico, many people just go ahead and get one and then assume they’re married in all senses of the word. Whereas in the U.S., having only a church wedding is the norm. Not that it stops people from living together, but that’s another issue…

 

[jmcrae]

My fiance and I decided that having a traditional wedding was not working for us. We got lost in so much of the planning, budget, and details that it took us a while to realize that our wedding should be about us. We’re planning on getting married in another city (but same state). I guess we’re “eloping” in the sense that it we’re forgoing a traditional wedding day and just going to the courthouse (we are planning on only including our parents and our siblings).

Of course, we also do want to have a Catholic ceremony. My fiance is not Catholic but is totally supportive of us getting married in the Church, raising our kids Catholic, etc. That being said, the city we’re eloping to is not even within the diocese. We’re willing to go through the marriage prep, but will be allowed to have a ceremony? Even if it’s just the priest doing our vows. Any further information is greatly appreciated!

Thanks <3

Having not read the rest of the replies, yet, my first instinct is, get a quiet ceremony in Church with just your best man, bridesmaid, and parents, and skip the courthouse altogether. It’s still six months of marriage prep, but there wouldn’t be the stress of the reception, the dress, and all that frippery - it would just be you, your husband, and God.

And you have to do the marriage prep anyway, even if you go to the courthouse first, so there’s nothing gained or saved by going to the courthouse at all - just do it in Church. Simply mention to your pastor that you’re not doing a big wedding.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

The civil marriage is called an invalid attempt for a Catholic and you will, after it, not have a Catholic marriage (see Canon 1108), and cannot have conjugal activities without sin. Also your one and only marriage certificate will be signed by a judge instead of a priest and your Catholic marriage will then be a convalidation (see Canon 1160). You can get approval to have the Catholic marriage celebrated in another Catholic parish. Permission for mixed marriage is required, or if the fiance has not been baptised (validly or at all), then a dispensation is required. Also, all impediments must be cleared, and in some cases a couple cannot be married to each other due to them, or improper consent.Can. 1108
§1 Only those marriages are valid which are contracted in the presence of the local Ordinary or parish priest or of the priest or deacon delegated by either of them, who, in the presence of two witnesses, assists, in accordance however with the rules set out in the following canons, and without prejudice to the exceptions mentioned in cann. 144, 1112 §1, 1116 and 1127 §§2 - 3.
§2 Only that person who, being present, asks the contracting parties to manifest their consent and in the name of the Church receives it, is understood to assist at a marriage.

Can. 1160 For a marriage which is invalid because of defect of form to become valid, it must be contracted anew in the canonical form, without prejudice to the provisions of Can. 1127 §3.

CHAPTER VI : MIXED MARRIAGES

Can. 1127
§1 The provisions of can. 1108 are to be observed in regard to the form to be used in a mixed marriage. If, however, the catholic party contracts marriage with a non-catholic party of oriental rite, the canonical form of celebration is to be observed for lawfulness only; for validity, however, the intervention of a sacred minister is required, while observing the other requirements of law.
§2 If there are grave difficulties in the way of observing the canonical form, the local Ordinary of the catholic party has the right to dispense from it in individual cases, having however consulted the Ordinary of the place of the celebration of the marriage; for validity, however, some public form of celebration is required. It is for the Episcopal Conference to establish norms whereby this dispensation may be granted in a uniform manner.
§3 It is forbidden to have, either before or after the canonical celebration in accordance with §1, another religious celebration of the same marriage for the purpose of giving or renewing matrimonial consent. Likewise, there is not to be a religious celebration in which the catholic assistant and a non-catholic minister, each performing his own rite, ask for the consent of the parties.

Can. 1112
§1 Where there are no priests and deacons, the diocesan Bishop can delegate lay persons to assist at marriages, if the Episcopal Conference has given its prior approval and the permission of the Holy See has been obtained.

Can. 1116
§1 If one who, in accordance with the law, is competent to assist, cannot be present or be approached without grave inconvenience, those who intend to enter a true marriage can validly and lawfully contract in the presence of witnesses only: 1° in danger of death; 2° apart from danger of death, provided it is prudently foreseen that this state of affairs will continue for a month.
§2 In either case, if another priest or deacon is at hand who can be present, he must be called upon and, together with the witnesses, be present at the celebration of the marriage, without prejudice to the validity of the marriage in the presence of only the witnesses.

Can. 144
§1 In common error, whether of fact or of law, and in positive and probable doubt, whether of law or of fact, the Church supplies executive power of governance for both the external and the internal forum.
§2 The same norm applies to the faculties mentioned in cann. 883, 966, and 1111 §1.

The only exception is if there is a law that does not recognize church weddings as legally binding. Then you are permitted to have a civil wedding and a church wedding.

 

[dochawk]

Well, if you want a sacramental marriage, you must do it the way the Church has done it forever.

How did they put it in Princess Bride, “You keep using that word, but I don’t think you know what the word means” ?



OK, you only said “forever” once . . .

The requirement in the Western Church that a priest even be present is only about 700 years, and was in response not to civil weddings, but a problem with couples coming back and having different tales as to whether or not they had exchanged vows.

The reform was to require a priest to witness the vows.

This led to couples rushing into rectories and waking up the priest, quickly exchanging vows while the priest came to his senses . . .

The church, moving at it’s usual lightning pace, quickly closed this loophole in the 1970s . . .

Anyway, the point is that it hasn’t always been this way, although it is now. It’s a matter of discipline, not theology.

(The East, of course, is an entirely different story, with the priest conferring rather than witnessing).

hawk

 

[hwriggles4]

A few years ago, two friends of mine invited several of us to their wedding. They were married by a priest who knew both of them well during the Saturday evening Vigil Mass. The priest married them after he finished his homily. When that was done, he went on with the remainder of the Mass.

From a cost standpoint, this approach could work for the OP, and it would still be a local wedding. It might help eliminate some of the anxieties associated with planning a wedding too.

 

[Vico]

The only exception is if there is a law that does not recognize church weddings as legally binding. Then you are permitted to have a civil wedding and a church wedding.

Because a civil ceremony is not a religious ceremony, there is no conflict in canon law. The problem occurs when a Catholic has only a civil ceremony without the canonical Catholic form, of two religious celebrations. The civil marriage is an invalid attempt of matrimony, which may be required by the government.

A read an answer to a dubium submitted to the Holy See that states that two Catholics cannot be dispensed from canonical form for a normal marriage. (A radical sanation may do that however.)

 

[ilySHJ]

Yes! A couple I know “eloped” with the help of the priest. They planned the marriage a year ahead, went through the marriage prep, and didn’t tell their friends. They were married in a very beautiful church in a town several hours away.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I quite agree! When my husband and I got married, this is what we were told:

1. You had to do your premarital interviews in the parish where you were “domiciled” (live). (If you don’t regularly go to Mass, you can find out which church serves your geographical area and go there.) This applied REGARDLESS of whether you were getting married in that church or not.
2. If you were getting married in another diocese, the priest at the church where you did your interviews sends the paperwork to your diocesan bishop, who signs it, then sends it off to the bishop of the diocese where you’re getting married, who signs it and then sends it to the parish.
3. You have to attend marriage preparation. There are a number of methods for doing this. Some parishes have their own; our parish didn’t so we went to the diocesan marriage prep course. Usually, WHERE you do the marriage prep is not an issue, but you need the certificate saying you did it and you have to bring that to the priest.

It is certainly possible to have a small Catholic wedding. My great-grandparents were married in Ukraine, in 1932 (under the Stalinist regime - Catholicism was illegal). They were married secretly in the middle of the night, with only the priest and the witness present. Their only wedding reception was a little food that my great-great-grandmother had set out for them, as she had stayed up until they got back from the church.

Best of luck, and may God bless your marriage!

You seem a little confused on the sacrament of marriage. Talk to your priest.

What you propose is NOT appropriate.

What you can do instead (and I assume you are going through all the proper premarital preparation including permission to marry a non-Catholic):

1. Get married in your own church with the priest and a couple of witnesses. This is simple and requires the least amount of paperwork and planning.
2. Get married in this other town by a priest with your witnesses. This will require some permissions from your own priest and some planning on the other end as well finding a priest or deacon in the other town who will witness your marriage.