Can I give my blessing to this marriage?

[JadensMom]

I’ll phrase my question as a hypothetical.

One of my male relatives, a practicing Catholic, is engaged to be married. The young woman was raised, baptized, and confirmed in the Catholic Church, but doesn’t practice. (She’s joked that she got confirmed because it made it easier to share the house with her parents.) I can’t tell if she has any religious convictions at all. I recently went to dinner at her home, and they didn’t say grace before the meal, or anything.

But when I gave the two of them my blessings for their wedding and hopes for a big, healthy family, they took me aside and informed me in confidence that they wouldn’t be having any children. The bride-to-be has a medical condition that could (not would be, but COULD be) worsened by childbearing, so she had herself sterilized several years ago “as a health measure.” My relative knew this when he proposed to her, but he says it’s their personal business and has asked me to keep it a secret.

I’m not sure WHAT to make of this. Can they even be married in the Church? I’m not sure if our parish priest can or will marry them if they refuse to have children, but when I posed this concern to them, my relative said that he doesn’t see how it’s anyone’s business but their own. He said if the Church refuses them, they’ll be married in an Episcopalian ceremony, but it was implied that they just aren’t going to mention this to the priest at all.

As a Catholic in good standing, can I even attend such a wedding?

What would any of you do in this situation? I’m at a loss. :ehh:

~Jaden(name removed by moderator)

 

[Katie1723]

None of this is any of your business. As far as attending the wedding, that is entirely up to you and what you feel is right for you.
Kathy

 

[Leopard]

Sterility is not an impediment to marriage. This could include a hypothetical case of a person who underwent surgical sterilization, then later repented, confessed and received absolution for this act. As what another person may have confessed is no one else’s business (as is speculating about another’s religious convictions), I would agree that the matter of this sterilization is not your business and you should respect their request for privacy.

 

[puzzleannie]

I’ll confidence that they wouldn’t be having any children. The bride-to-be has a medical condition that could (not would be, but COULD be) worsened by childbearing, so she had herself sterilized several years ago “as a health measure.” My relative knew this when he proposed to her, but he says it’s their personal business and has asked me to keep it a secret.

I’m not sure WHAT to make of this. m

you don’t make anything of it. NOYB. there is nothing in this story that would necessarily invalidate a marriage, and in any case, that is a matter for the couple to discuss with the priest, and if you are not their pastor, it does not affect or concern you.

 

[JRKH]

I don’t see that it is up to you to “Bless” this marriage. It is up to them and the pastor and ultimately God.

Based on everything you’ve written, I would say that you wish them all the health and happiness in the world.
Treat them with love and pray for her reversion.

James

 

[RWMorris]

Agree with other posters. Her sterilization is really none of your business. However, her seeming lack of faith does concern me a little. Again, that is nobody’s business.
I would just go to the wedding and pray for them.

 

[jrabs]

I can’t tell if she has any religious convictions at all. I recently went to dinner at her home, and they didn’t say grace before the meal, or anything.

First off, failure to say grace at meal time does not indicate one’s religious convictions or determine faithfulness. Perhaps you say grace at mealtime, and that is wonderful. Not all folks do - and I’d reckon most do not.

I grew up in a staunchly Catholic family and we NEVER said grace at mealtime. Yet we went to confession monthly. No indicator at all.

Let me ask you, is there a reason you have to bless the wedding? Is it a family custom or tradition? If not, then let it be.
You can opt out of attending if your feelings are strong.

 

[beckers]

Sterility is not an impediment to marriage. This could include a hypothetical case of a person who underwent surgical sterilization, then later repented, confessed and received absolution for this act.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

:twocents: Unless you are the family matriarch and this is a part of your ethnic pattern, if it were me, I’d just keep my big mouth shut and wish them well. You are of course free to pray for them.

BTW- We do ONE grace a day in our house for all the food, in the morning. The girls were getting carried away with grace before cookie (singular).

 

[stbruno]

Granted, they can’t physically bear any children, but they should still be open to the possibility of life…in the respect of foster or adopted children. Remind them of that great gift.

 

[JadensMom]

It’s simply very hard for me to approve of this match, is what I’m saying.

It’s one thing to space your children because the mother’s health isn’t perfect, but it’s another thing to go out and get a tubal ligation as a single woman because you’re afraid you MIGHT suffer some health problems in pregnancy. That’s not openness to children – that’s deliberate frustration of it.

And the groom is his mother’s only son and was raised in a very Catholic family. We didn’t say grace over every cookie, but we ALWAYS said grace at family dinners, when we were all together as a family. Oftentimes it was the only family meal we all shared together.

And I doubt that this young lady has been to confession about her tubal, or that she repents it. She’s made a statement to the effect that she only went through the motions of confirmation because her parents insisted on it, and doesn’t consider herself to be Catholic.

I’m not going to create a scandal in the family or betray their confidence or anything, but I simply can’t believe this. I couldn’t have imagined that this young man would do something like this. He was an altar boy for literally YEARS, and even considered joining the seminary at one point.

He does want to be married in the church, and his bride has consented to that, but won’t such a marriage be invalid? I’m just afraid he’s making a big mistake.

 

[jrabs]

He does want to be married in the church, and his bride has consented to that, but won’t such a marriage be invalid? I’m just afraid he’s making a big mistake.

Once again, as another poster cited, sterilization does not preclude you from having a valid marriage. CCC 1084

Problem is that you do not approve. And I understand how hard that can be when you love your relative. But it is out of your hands and not your business so you may want to bite your tongue or not attend.

Try not to judge her soul.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

No, the marriage won’t be invalid. Nobody is hiding it from the groom. He knows!

People get married who are not able to bear children all the time. People of a “certain age” marry, even though they know there wil be no children, as the dear lady has reached menopause some time ago. Dr. Ray Guarendi and his Mrs. have ten kids, but they adopted. On a lesser note, my very dear friend and her husband became first-time parents via adoption at 47 and 49.

Somewhere down the line, perhaps the young lady will receive better news, repent of this, and perhaps even have surgery to reverse it. Perhaps she already has repented. You don’t know, and you can’t know. Only God knows. You do not know what the doctor told this young woman, or how the whole thing was put to her. In the same way abortionists have been known to lie, perhaps the doctor frightened her sufficiently to scare her into doing this.

Truth of the matter is, you don’t know for sure what’s in her heart. You don’t know what’s in his heart. Only God knows that. They are of more than legal age, and they can marry each other if they choose. What happens if, God forbid, these young people end up at the tribunal, is again up to them, God and the tribunal.

Whether or not she realizes it, the bride is entering into a wonderful situation, if she is entereing into the type of Catholic family who is so Catholic that her new aunts and uncles will pray for her- hopefully. Hopefully, it is such a Catholic family that extended relatives will let this young man make his choice and wish him and his bride a beautiful life.

 

[buffalo]

The bottom line question is are they open to children if medical issues could be resolved? If they are not open then you cannot support it. It is a question of motive and intent.

 

[JRKH]

It’s simply very hard for me to approve of this match, is what I’m saying.

May I ask why your blessing is needed?

It’s one thing to space your children because the mother’s health isn’t perfect, but it’s another thing to go out and get a tubal ligation as a single woman because you’re afraid you MIGHT suffer some health problems in pregnancy. That’s not openness to children – that’s deliberate frustration of it.

Her past, and her motives are not yours to judge.

And the groom is his mother’s only son and was raised in a very Catholic family. We didn’t say grace over every cookie, but we ALWAYS said grace at family dinners, when we were all together as a family. Oftentimes it was the only family meal we all shared together.

How does his mother feel about the match?

And I doubt that this young lady has been to confession about her tubal, or that she repents it. She’s made a statement to the effect that she only went through the motions of confirmation because her parents insisted on it, and doesn’t consider herself to be Catholic.

Again. It is not your place to judge her.

I’m not going to create a scandal in the family or betray their confidence or anything, but I simply can’t believe this. I couldn’t have imagined that this young man would do something like this. He was an altar boy for literally YEARS, and even considered joining the seminary at one point.

He does want to be married in the church, and his bride has consented to that, but won’t such a marriage be invalid? I’m just afraid he’s making a big mistake.

I must advise in the storngest way for you to stay out of it. It sounds as though he is a good person, with a strong ethical background and upbringing. You must trust that. If you interfere, even in a passive way (being sullen etc.) you will do more harm than good.
Be a good and loving family member. support them in their new life. Pray and be there for them. That is WJWD.

Peace

James

 

[JadensMom]

May I ask why your blessing is needed?

It is generally good to have the approval of a man’s family when you’re marrying into it, don’t you think? I’ve known him since he was a baby, and she’s known him for two years, after all. They are both in their twenties and of age to be married, and neither has been married before, so there’s no impediment there.

Her past, and her motives are not yours to judge.

I’m not judging her. I said she seemed nice enough at first. She does seem to care about him and she treats him well. BUT, I’m concerned as to what will happen to him if he marries her. In all likelihood, he’ll never be a father now if he makes her his wife.

I’m not sure if he really understands what that will be like, especially when all of his cousins and siblings are bringing their babies to the church to be baptized, and going to school plays, open houses, welcoming grandchildren, etc. It doesn’t make sense to me that he could have had the upbringing he did, and choose a childless life.

How does his mother feel about the match?

She seems a little lukewarm on the girl, as I know she was expecting him to choose a Catholic girl. She’s happy that he’s chosen a woman with a job and a college degree who seems to love her son, of course, but I doubt if she knows about the tubal. His mother has borne seven children, five living, and is a VERY staunch lifelong Catholic. A friend of hers had a tubal after four children some years back, and she tried hard to talk her out of it. And that was just a friend!

I’m not being sullen or rude to them, and I don’t intend to betray their confidences. But that young man is the apple of his mother’s eye and always has been, and it breaks my heart that he will NEVER know the joy of holding his own children. He’s very idealistic, and I’m thinking that maybe he likes the idea of playing white knight to this woman. (Plus, he hasn’t dated much and she’s pretty, which I think that might have a lot to do with it!)

But I’m afraid that he’s about to commit an irrevocable mistake by marrying a woman who doesn’t share his faith and who doesn’t appear to want children or be open to children. I’m honestly surprised that he would even go on the first date with a woman who has no faith, let alone propose to her. Either condition of not being Catholic or not wanting children would be a dealbreaker for me!

I’m just having a really hard time with this. It’s really preying on my mind since they told me. If I don’t go to the wedding, EVERYONE will notice and comment on it, but if I do, it’s going to be excruciating to watch him make his vows knowing this.

I really don’t know what to do.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

No, I don’t think he needs his extended family’s approval on this girl. If his mother is lukewarm, let her talk for herself. Your sister is a big girl who has an adult kid getting married, after all. It is not your place to announce this piece of information to your sister.

You do know what to do. It’s just hard to do. One more time: In my opinion, do nothing but pray. Pray for their marriage. Offer some daily Masses for them during this rough time of engagement. Offer up keeping quiet on the subject as a sacrifice for their marriage. Give them a decade of the rosary a day. Pray that if God meant them to be together, He will do what He can, and if not, then He will make the separation gentle on both of them.

If it succeeds, they’ll never forget that you intervened. You’ll be known as the Aunt Who Predicted Our Downfall. If it fails, you’ll be known as the Aunt Who Jinxed The Marriage. Do you really want that on your head for the next forty or fifty years or whatever time you have on this earth?

 

[JFonseka]

If she is the mother of the groom how can anyone say ‘it’s not your business’

sterility because of health issues is fine, after all it’s for health issues not because she doesn’t want to have children, that’s not against the church teachings.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

If she is the mother of the groom how can anyone say ‘it’s not your business’

sterility because of health issues is fine, after all it’s for health issues not because she doesn’t want to have children, that’s not against the church teachings.

Because she’s the **aunt **of the groom, not his mother.

And you are right about Church teaching, and it has been pointed out that it is not against Church teaching, good old double-effect, that people who can’t possibly hope to have children get married in the Church all the time (like older people and those who have a natural sterility). Even if this young woman did so purposely never to have a child at the time, the OP, the groom’s aunt, does not know her heart, or even all the circumstances surrounding it. So no, she doesn’t need to approve, bless or do anyhting about this marriage, other than mind her own business and pray for these two young people who are about to enter married life.

 

[JadensMom]

The bottom line question is are they open to children if medical issues could be resolved? If they are not open then you cannot support it. It is a question of motive and intent.

That’s the thing – the medical issues can’t be resolved because it’s a chronic condition that can’t be cured, though it can be controlled with medication (insulin and such). She said she was afraid of passing it on to children and of her health worsening if she had children. She’s apparently had this condition since she was a little girl.

BUT, I know for a fact that there are lots of women out there with the same condition who deal with it and who still have children. I myself think she just doesn’t want to have children. She’s never been especially warm with my five-year-old son, for example.

And sorry for the confusion, as I’m not trying to reveal too many personal details because this is a public forum and all, but I’m not the groom’s aunt or his mother – I’m his older sister. I REALLY don’t think our mother knows about this, or she would be heartbroken. Right now she just seems a little worried because he’s marrying someone who’s fallen away from the Church, but I don’t think she knows to what EXTENT her future daughter-in-law has distanced herself from the Church.

I just think he’s making a mistake, is all. But right now he is just “IN LOVE” in all caps, so I don’t think he’s thinking straight about what he’s doing to himself and our family.