Can I give my blessing to this marriage?

[Galandriel]

The fact that they confided in you means they trust you. Encourage them to seek out counsel from the priest. And pray for them. Personally, I would probably double check with a priest about their situation, maybe not say names, but that way, I can give my brother all the options so he makes an informed decision on his and his wife’s soul. Why risk hell? Just tell him that your helping him as an older sister and you’d like to see him in heaven.

And if you’ve grown up devoutly Catholic, saying grace before meals etc, and then you observe them NOT saying grace is a HUGE red flag. Not all families are the same. Especially in different cultures. Grace is a huge deal in my family. No one wants to see a family member fall away from the Church and every Catholic family is different.

And adoption? Remember, keep encouraging them, praying for them and helping them with love and charity. But I would definitely talk with a priest. It doesn’t even have to be the priest who marries them. That way, you’ve done all you can and you’ve helped your brother know everything that will surely affect his soul. The rest is up to him. We can only love them and pray for them to make the right decision.

Personally, I might tell my mother. Nothing is more powerful than a mother’s prayers.

Prayers for you as well. I will pray for you and your family.

 

[Norseman82]

Well, hopefully, these issues are being resolved with the priest they are dooing their marriage preparation with, so that should be less stress on you.

:The girls were getting carried away with grace before cookie (singular).

I’ll one up you on that…I once had a roommate who would pray every time he got a glass of water from the faucet!

 

[JRKH]

Well, hopefully, these issues are being resolved with the priest they are dooing their marriage preparation with, so that should be less stress on you.

Quote Originally Posted by OutinChgoburbs
:The girls were getting carried away with grace before cookie (singular). Unquote

I’ll one up you on that…I once had a roommate who would pray every time he got a glass of water from the faucet!

Well I say, better to overdo it than underdo it.

Praise God always

James

 

[stbruno]

foryourmarriage.org/sitemap/default.aspx

This is a wonderful new website for newly engaged, newlyweds and even couples who are contemplating or have been married for a long time. Perhaps if you explore this, as well as include your nephew in the information, it will allow him to make a good decision about marrying at this time.

And with all things…pray on it.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

I want to apologize for not being more helpful, but I want to let you know that I understand where you’re coming from, JM.

My little sister is getting married in May. I have strong reservations about the marriage, because I do not feel comfortable with the man she has chosen for a spouse and she doesn’t seem to be getting married for very good reasons (“I’m getting too old” or “I want a baby while I’m young; I’m running out of time” and she’s only 23 years old ). To be fair, she didn’t think I was getting married for good reasons, either (“What??? You don’t believe in soul mates?” or “You’re being too logical and practical – What about true love???”), so I guess we’re even.

I have voiced those reservations to my husband and my mom, but that’s it. When I talk to my sister about her relationship (she brings up topics, not me), she gets very angry when I stress the importance of solving the issue prior to the wedding. Now, if she starts complaining about her relationship, I simply acknowledge her feelings and try to change the subject. I’m probably not handling the situation well, but I just don’t know what else to do.

If I felt there was some kind of real danger that might befall her, like abuse or something, I would tell her in a heartbeat. I don’t think she’s making very wise decisions, but I could be wrong. I just have to support her now, and if things get bad, support her later. This may be the wrong approach, but I really don’t know where the line is between Mind My Own Business and Get Involved.

 

[puzzleannie]

still trying to figure out why anybody else, other than the bride and groom themselves, are in possession of the bride’s medical history and prognosis?

 

[JRKH]

still trying to figure out why anybody else, other than the bride and groom themselves, are in possession of the bride’s medical history and prognosis?

In this case it is because the bride and groom told his sister, in confidence, about it. Now she feels a crisis of conscience.

James

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Well, hopefully, these issues are being resolved with the priest they are dooing their marriage preparation with, so that should be less stress on you.

Quote Originally Posted by OutinChgoburbs
:The girls were getting carried away with grace before cookie (singular). Unquote

I’ll one up you on that…I once had a roommate who would pray every time he got a glass of water from the faucet!

Lol, hey what’s wrong with thanking God for cookies and water?

 

[KCtheMommy]

Hey Jaden’(name removed by moderator),

My two cents: if you don’t give your blessing then people in your family will ask what your “problem” is. Leaving you to either tell what you now or hint that you know something that is not some sort of terrible indictment to NOT get married. BUT, not telling will definitely make it seem worse than it really is. That’s not fair, and as someone mentioned you might become “The Aunt Who Jinxed Our Marriage.”

But really outside of that obvious, you keep arguing certain aspects about what the girl has done in her past to become sterile. You are right: some women DO have babies AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE with diabetes. However, they put their life in danger every time they get pregnant. Their babies are typically large and have to be delivered by c-section, which as a diabetic puts her at more risk of death in childbirth, or the results thereof (diabetics have hard times healing) than it would a healthy woman. Furthermore, if it came down to an increased chance of her life vs. proverbial baby’s, and she knew it, and wasn’t so desperate to become a mother in the first place: well then she made a choice that was the best for her at the time.

You said she’s not warm with your 5 year old. Don’t let that be an indicator. Maybe she is sad in her heart at not having children and therefor distances herself. Or maybe she simply does not care for children – in which case maybe it’s best she is not going to be a mother. I don’t care too much for other people’s children, and I am on my fourth. I LOVE and ADORE my own children, but it’s rare for me to go crazy over anyone else’s. I am not saying I am not nice, I am just indifferent.

As for her “being confirmed to keep peace in her family” I just want to tell you how many times I have seen this very scenario alienate wonderful young ladies from our church. (Stepping on soap box here) I have met quite a few young ladies who upon learning of my faith have confided that they are alienated from the church because their mother’s FORCED them to take their confirmation. As the church teaches confirmation to be OUR CHOICE, they felt robbed of choice and not quite ready to make that commitment. Yet were forced to. So they won’t go to church. They don’t want anything to do with it. Not necessarrily to shun God but to rebel against their mother’s and their forced religion. People can argue up and down that if a child is raised in a loving Catholic home they will in turn be ready for confirmation and secure in their beliefs. However, there are many families who force their children to confirm out of ritual and expectations while NOT living a very Catholic home life. Teens are especially sensitive to hippocracy, and they SEE this, knowing full well that it’s nto really because mom wants them to be a good Catholic, but so that mom doesn’t look bad that her child is not confirming into the faith at the appropriate time. I like the idea of children not confirming until 17 or 18, and even later if that’s what the child needs to do. Too soon and they are making a choice they are not yet mature enough to make, or in some instances are FORCED into making and it’s not from the pureness of their heart and the love for GOD.

My whole point of that long schpiel was to say that I understand where your soon-to-be neice-in-law is coming from. She didn’t say anything bad, but confided to you that her choice was not her own. Be patient, with your family so involved in church she’ll hopefully come around. Especially with the good influence of her new husband! So like everyone else, pray for her reintroduction to our faith, and that it be in love and in her own soul’s want, the call of God, and not just pressure to do so.

I am wondering still why you are having such a hard time with all of this. Was it the confirmation statement that got you off on a bad foot? Or the fact you wont have great nieces and nephews? Your nephew is making the choice of love for this woman over a future of children. This is HIS choice, and he can always be a wonderful uncle, cousin, brother, volunteer, etc. You need to give him that for now. You said he’s a wonderful boy: so trust that he’s making another sound choice.

I pray your heart finds some peace in this situation. I hope you find it in your heart to accept these two love each other. It’s not YOUR life, it’s their’s together, and for that, having done nothing wrong, they should have your blessing.

Much love to you momma…

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

OT- Actually, the Church teaches that the Holy Spirit seals the person confirmed through the imposition of the hands of the bishop and chrismation- but that anybody who has reached the age of reason must be prepared. It is (one more time) not the time when the confimrand confirms his or her faith. Babies are confirmed in the Eastern Catholic Rites, along with receiving their First Communions, and they are still very much confirmed, and still very much Catholic.

That said, I still see no reason to go blabbing this confidence to Mom, esp. now that it is the older sister! If what was said would make an aunt look bad, imagine what it would do to a sister, esp. an older one. It would be either “His Sister Spoiled Our Marriage” or “His Sister Predicted We Would Never Make It”. It looks too much like a tattle-tale moment, even if a grown woman with her own husband and child does it. It could also appear, even at your age, that you want to be the “good” child.

The right doctor can frighten anybody, even if the situation is JD. A young woman with JD can get frightened watching Steel Magnolias.

He’s grown up. Please let him do this himself, if and when he chooses to do so. it’s still not your place to “bless” or approve.

And my advice still holds. Be quiet, pray, offer Masses and sacrifices, but it is your brother’s to tell.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Lol, hey what’s wrong with thanking God for cookies and water?

OT- It was getting a bit scrupulous in the cookie department. One would demand the other did it, and then they were concerned about the format of the prayer (“Bless Us O Lord” or “God is great”), and then there was less thanksgiving for Oreos over animal crackers…

 

[Sr_Sally]

I have a dear friend who has JD. Her health is very ‘brittle’ and her sugar levels fluctuate easily. Her dh (also a dear friend of ours) has all he can handle taking care of her. They married hoping that she could have children, but her health has never been good enough. They are not Catholic so I do not know what they do about birth control. This young woman could have been very easily scared by her Dr, or even had a very bad health scare that precipitated her decision. Please show them charity and love and pray for them. They may decide to adopt, or they may share their lives in other ways. Continue to pray and to support your db in living the good Catholic life he is used to. Hopefully with your positive example she will grow closer to the Church and Christ.

 

[JadensMom]

I have always been told that if a woman goes into a Catholic marriage with NO intention of having children, i.e. NO openness to life, then the marriage is invalid. I’ve been researching it and the apologist in this thread even says such a marriage isn’t valid:

[forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=504001#post504001]If a couple is not open to children is their marriage invalid?]()

Plus our Holy Father said that sterilization is forbidden, period! There’s no loophole in there for diabetics, or women with medical conditions. Yes, I understand it’s a potentially life-threatening condition, but she takes medications that control it. She doesn’t seem sickly in any way. She even plays sports and goes jogging and generally seems a lot healthier than a lot of non-diabetics I know.

Plus my health isn’t perfect either. I was on medication for depression when I was in college but I can’t take those when I’m pregnant, and I had to stop taking it when I got pregnant with my son. I’m on it again now, but if I was to get pregnant again, I’d have to stop.

I’m NOT trying to judge this girl. If she’s not Catholic, then she’s not obligated by Catholic rules, I know that. Maybe she did the right thing for herself by getting sterilized, if children would potentially be harmful to her and she’s kind of indifferent to them. I’m not saying that I want her to sacrifice herself in childbirth or anything. That was her choice to make and she made it.

But she’s decided to marry a Catholic man in a Catholic ceremony. (Never mind that Catholic man is our mother’s only son and would make a great father, and it’ll break his entire family’s hearts if he never has any children of his own.) I’m not saying that she should go out and become a nun or never marry or whatever, but there are plenty of non-Catholic men who don’t want children out there for whom this wouldn’t be an impediment. She’s a pretty girl with a good education, so I doubt she’s hurting for choice.

So yes, I’m less than thrilled that my only brother wants to join himself for life to a sterile atheist who doesn’t like kids, who doesn’t share our faith, and who seems to think that the only thing that matters is her big crush on my brother. It doesn’t seem to matter to her that she’s going to cause him to enter into an invalid marriage and become a Catholic not in good standing. I mean, how can she do that to someone she supposedly loves? Can he even take Communion if he’s shacked up with someone in an invalid marriage? I’ve read that any man who has relations with a woman who is sterilized or contracepting, even if she’s his wife, then he’s committing the mortal sin of adultery every time they do!

I just don’t want him risking hell and his immortal soul, is all…!!!

 

[JRKH]

I have always been told that if a woman goes into a Catholic marriage with NO intention of having children, i.e. NO openness to life, then the marriage is invalid. I’ve been researching it and the apologist in this thread even says such a marriage isn’t valid:

[forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=504001#post504001]If a couple is not open to children is their marriage invalid?]()

I wouldn’t read too much into that thread. It doesn’t really address your brother’s situation directly. This woman had a surgical procedure before her relationship with your brother.

Plus our Holy Father said that sterilization is forbidden, period! There’s no loophole in there for diabetics, or women with medical conditions. Yes, I understand it’s a potentially life-threatening condition, but she takes medications that control it. She doesn’t seem sickly in any way. She even plays sports and goes jogging and generally seems a lot healthier than a lot of non-diabetics I know.

Again I must say that you are looking at this as though she were a cradle catholic who went out and did this. She was not.

Plus my health isn’t perfect either. I was on medication for depression when I was in college but I can’t take those when I’m pregnant, and I had to stop taking it when I got pregnant with my son. I’m on it again now, but if I was to get pregnant again, I’d have to stop.

I’m NOT trying to judge this girl. If she’s not Catholic, then she’s not obligated by Catholic rules, I know that. Maybe she did the right thing for herself by getting sterilized, if children would potentially be harmful to her and she’s kind of indifferent to them. I’m not saying that I want her to sacrifice herself in childbirth or anything. That was her choice to make and she made it.

But she’s decided to marry a Catholic man in a Catholic ceremony. (Never mind that Catholic man is our mother’s only son and would make a great father, and it’ll break his entire family’s hearts if he never has any children of his own.) I’m not saying that she should go out and become a nun or never marry or whatever, but there are plenty of non-Catholic men who don’t want children out there for whom this wouldn’t be an impediment. She’s a pretty girl with a good education, so I doubt she’s hurting for choice.

So yes, I’m less than thrilled that my only brother wants to join himself for life to a sterile atheist who doesn’t like kids, who doesn’t share our faith, and who seems to think that the only thing that matters is her big crush on my brother. It doesn’t seem to matter to her that she’s going to cause him to enter into an invalid marriage and become a Catholic not in good standing. I mean, how can she do that to someone she supposedly loves? Can he even take Communion if he’s shacked up with someone in an invalid marriage? I’ve read that any man who has relations with a woman who is sterilized or contracepting, even if she’s his wife, then he’s committing the mortal sin of adultery every time they do!

I just don’t want him risking hell and his immortal soul, is all…!!!

I am sorry that the responses here seem to have been of little help.
You must do what your heart tells you.
You obviously love your brother very much. Do you love him enough to give him his freedom and wish him happiness? That is the most difficult.
I assume that the couple will/is/has undergone the usual pre-nup counselling with a priest. If they are approved there then it really needs to be left in God’s hands.
We cannot know what God has intended for these people or what they feel in their hearts. We can know that if you attempt to meddle too much the result will be hurt feelings.

Perhaps you really need to get this off your chest.
Perhaps you really need to sit down and write these things out. That way you can change things if they don’t sound right.
Express to them how distressed you are; That you don’t want to interfere; but you need to get a couple of things straight in your mind.
Word it in such a way as to keep all the doors open and avoid hard feelings. Then either give it to your brother with an offer to talk and/or your best wishes for their future happiness together.

Peace
James

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

1.) The Church would consider your brother’s marriage valid, unless later on, his future wife or he approached a tribunal and asked for a decree of nullity. Then and only then would the tribunal be qualified to render a decision.
2.) It is simply not up to you.
3.) For your own sanity, before you do something you regret for the rest of your life, go talk to the priest who is supposed to officiate at their wedding, or another priest whom you trust, privately. If he feels you have cause to protest the banns, he will tell you. If he tells you to keep your mouth shut, he will tell you.
4.) Quit researching the situation. It is causing you anguish. You seem to be running to the Internet and latching onto every web site that you think supports your argument. And that “Ask An Apologist” does NOT apply to your brother and his fiancee.

You don’t sound to me as if you are concerned about your brother’s future happiness or his soul at all. You sound as if you are in anguish because he will not biologically reproduce- as if it is your choice who your brother marries! You sound more to me like an older sister under the age of 18 who thinks she can tell her brother what to do, and who wants to run to Mommy to “tell” about her bad, bad brother. You also sound as if no matter what young woman your brother married, you would not be satisfied.

You are not responsible for what he does. I am the eldest of 7, and I am telling you, you are not responsible for what he does. Any priest worth his salt will tell you that. You are not responsible for him and his choices. Please trust God enough to let Him do what He does.

You will do what you do, and certainly nobody here can stop you. But please don’t come here seeking advice, then tell us we’re all wrong, and you are right.

I sincerely pray for your sake and the sake of your family’s unity you let this entire matter drop, that you experience peace in this matter- soon.

 

[Listener]

I feel kind of sorry for the bride. Is anyone going to warn her about what kind of a narrow-minded and judgmental family that she is marrying into?

It sounds to me like she has a bad case of childhood Type 1 Diabetes. If this is the case, my understanding is that it is indeed very dangerous to have children in this condition. In any case, whatever she my have done may well be against Church teaching. It is really no one’s buisness.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I can’t speak for the whole family only the older sister through whose perspective we are being relayed this. I hope the rest of the family is simply full of lovely, caring Catholic people who welcome her with open arms.

 

[Newzie52]

I have always been told that if a woman goes into a Catholic marriage with NO intention of having children, i.e. NO openness to life, then the marriage is invalid. I’ve been researching it and the apologist in this thread even says such a marriage isn’t valid:

[forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=504001#post504001]If a couple is not open to children is their marriage invalid?]()

Plus our Holy Father said that sterilization is forbidden, period! There’s no loophole in there for diabetics, or women with medical conditions. Yes, I understand it’s a potentially life-threatening condition, but she takes medications that control it. She doesn’t seem sickly in any way. She even plays sports and goes jogging and generally seems a lot healthier than a lot of non-diabetics I know.

Plus my health isn’t perfect either. I was on medication for depression when I was in college but I can’t take those when I’m pregnant, and I had to stop taking it when I got pregnant with my son. I’m on it again now, but if I was to get pregnant again, I’d have to stop.

I’m NOT trying to judge this girl. If she’s not Catholic, then she’s not obligated by Catholic rules, I know that. Maybe she did the right thing for herself by getting sterilized, if children would potentially be harmful to her and she’s kind of indifferent to them. I’m not saying that I want her to sacrifice herself in childbirth or anything. That was her choice to make and she made it.

But she’s decided to marry a Catholic man in a Catholic ceremony. (Never mind that Catholic man is our mother’s only son and would make a great father, and it’ll break his entire family’s hearts if he never has any children of his own.) I’m not saying that she should go out and become a nun or never marry or whatever, but there are plenty of non-Catholic men who don’t want children out there for whom this wouldn’t be an impediment. She’s a pretty girl with a good education, so I doubt she’s hurting for choice.

So yes, I’m less than thrilled that my only brother wants to join himself for life to a sterile atheist who doesn’t like kids, who doesn’t share our faith, and who seems to think that the only thing that matters is her big crush on my brother. It doesn’t seem to matter to her that she’s going to cause him to enter into an invalid marriage and become a Catholic not in good standing. I mean, how can she do that to someone she supposedly loves? Can he even take Communion if he’s shacked up with someone in an invalid marriage? I’ve read that any man who has relations with a woman who is sterilized or contracepting, even if she’s his wife, then he’s committing the mortal sin of adultery every time they do!

I just don’t want him risking hell and his immortal soul, is all…!!!

I think you are WAY too involved in this (frankly, I think your brother should have kept his mouth shut, but…) As has been pointed out, sterility, whether caused by age or illness, or by surgery, as in this case, is NOT an impediment to marriage, no matter what you personally feel about it. Your brother may, in fact, turn out to be the means by which his future wife comes back to the Church - who are you to know?

It also sounds as if the fact your brother will not be able to have HIS OWN children with this woman is really bugging you. Unfortunately, sad as it might make you, it is none of your business. Just pray, be an example of Christian charity, and wish them well; DON’T be the bitter, unfriendly sister in law.

 

[Harpazo]

I think it’s great that the OP is concerned. My mother was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes when she was 13. Now she’s 55 and has had two children. To my knowledge, having children was not a huge strain on her health. Do either of us have Diabetes? NO. Is it possible? Yes. Did Our Lord say “be fruitful and multiply, but only if you don’t have health problems?” I believe if someone has children in faith, or does anything in faith in Christ for that matter, God will grant them what they need.

If I understand this correctly, the OP’s sister-in-law to be, became sterilized out of her own volition because health risks COULD have been possible. IMHO, that’s a bogus reason to be sterilized. I don’t know all the facts, but from what the OP has been saying, her brother’s fiancee has no interest in having children whatsoever. Is this not leading to an invalid marriage?

I think everyone is being terribly harsh and judgmental towards the OP. She’s coming here for advice, and everyone seems to be casting stones at her, instead of trying to build her up. To me, she seems genuinely concerned, and has every right to be. She only has the best intentions, from what I’ve read thus far.

It might seem silly for her to tell her mother, I can understand that. But these are decisions that will end up affecting one party or the other for the rest of their lives. Firstly though, I would recommend talking with a priest. Then go from there.

I heard Patrick Madrid say once “Our goal as Catholics is to get to Heaven, and take as many as we can with us.” From what I’ve seen, that is all the OP is caring about. That quote is my challenge to all of those who have been ridiculing the OP.

Pace e Bene

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I’m sorry, but I can’t possibly agree with that.

Firstly, the OP only mentioned “a relative”. Then it became a close relative. Only when forced did she say it was her brother.

Secondly, the OP is not out to “take as many people” as she can to Heaven. It is clear she doesn’t like her brother’s choice in a wife. The OP seems to be more concerned about her brother’s potential to breed biological heirs as the “only son” than she is about his future happiness or his path to Heaven.

Thirdly, neither you, nor the OP, can know the OP’s brother’s heart, or his fiancee’s heart and reasons for sterilization. The OP presumes to not only know this, but claims because of a couple off-hand remarks and what the OP has determined by one meeting with her (the OP’s) five year-old, the OPdoes not consider the fiancee Catholic.

Sterility, of and in itself, is not an impediment to marriage.

Ultimately, it is up to the priest and the two individuals who are engaged to decide, through reflection and conversation, whether the marriage should take place. It is NOT up to the family to “bless” the marriage, but to God, through his priest. And the marriage itself is performed by the couple. Parents may approve or not, but nowhere in any diocese have I ever seen that the approval of the older sister is necessary for a marriage to take place.

If a grown man and woman want to marry, and can cannoncially do so, it should happen. If, by some misfortune, they part, that couple has the option of the grace of a tribunal hearing to determine if the marriage is invalid- again, not the opinion of their extended family members.

PS: If the OP didn’t want advice and opinion, she should not have posted here, but taken herself to a priest, who could have given her a much better option for confidentiality and possibly tailored the advice better to the situation.