Can i join the church if my husband was married before?

[swise]

I am a protestant who is thinking of becoming a catholic. How would the fact that my husband was married once before affect my joining the church? If it’s not annuled, would that mean we would be expected to live as brother and sister for me to be a member?

 

[tinalewis]

Hi swise -

First of all, STOP right now and call a priest you know and trust and schedule an appointment to meet with him to discuss the situation. Bring as many of your marriage and church documents (for both your and your husband) as you have readily available. Only a priest, canon lawyer, or tribunal representative should be advising you on this matter.

OK? Now - continue reading.

I was in exactly this position when I began thinking about joing the Roman Catholic church. At first I decided that it was just too much trouble to go through the annulment process, too painful. But after about a year of going to church and adoration, my husband finally suggested we take baby steps and see what happened. We both made a pact that if things began to be too much for either of us, we would halt the process.

At first things looked very grim, but after hours and hours of adoration and prayer the situation unfolded like a rose in June . . . and far better than I would have ever imagined. My husband and his first wife had a peaceful, heart-felt, conversation that could have only been under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. And my husband was granted the annulment about a week later. And two weeks after the annulment was final I was accepted into the church, my marriage was convalidated, I was Confirmed, and received my first Holy Communion. Less than a year later - on Saturday night’s Easter Vigil - my husband was accepted into the church, was Confirmed, and I administered his first Holy Communion at my first Mass as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion.

Amazing things can happen when intention meets prayer and adoration!

What if my husband hadn’t been granted an annulment? Well, as I understand it, I might still have been able to enter the church, but I would not have been able to receive any sacraments. For us, the brother - sister living situation thing is out of the question. This is where expert advice is needed. (WARNING: Not all priests or nuns are knowledgable about canon law as it applies to marriages and annulments. There is a lot of bad advice floating around and if you have to take the extra time to find an expert, do so. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.)

You will be in my prayers -

 

[1ke]

I am a protestant who is thinking of becoming a catholic. How would the fact that my husband was married once before affect my joining the church? If it’s not annuled, would that mean we would be expected to live as brother and sister for me to be a member?

Your husband’s prior marriage will need to be investigated and the situation resolved before you enter the Church. But, that does not mean you cannot begin the inquiry process, attend classes, etc.

You do need to meet with the priest sooner rather than later regarding your marriage. There are many variables in a marriage situation so it’s best to discuss the particulars with the priest and let him guide you.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Hi. I haven’t been in this situation, but I converted, so I recall lots of conversations about this in RCIA. I would never attempt to advise you on whether or not your husband and his first wife can have their marriage annulled, but the issue of you entering the Church is a little more straight forward.

Basically, anyone can enter the Church, as long as they are not in mortal sin. That means a divorced person without an annulment may enter the Church, but not a person who is having marital relations with a person who is not their spouse. Because your husband was civilly married before you married, the Church assumes that he was not free to marry you if he has not had an annulment. Even though he was not married in the Catholic Church, it is presumed civil marriages are valid. So, in the eyes of the Church if you are living as man and wife, you are doing so outside of marriage. If you cease to live as man and wife, and live as brother and sister, you may enter the Church. If you wish to live as man and wife, you as a Catholic must be married by the Church. For that to happen, he has to have his first marriage annulled and your marriage must be convalidated. That must happen on his end even if he does not enter the Church himself.

So, it’s a pretty complicated situation, true, but please do not let that prevent you from following your heart into the Church. Many people become very bitter and angry about the annulment, convalidation, and abstinence requirements, but if you trust the process, you will be amazed at how healing and uplifting the process can be for you.

 

[Seatuck]

I am a protestant who is thinking of becoming a catholic. How would the fact that my husband was married once before affect my joining the church? If it’s not annuled, would that mean we would be expected to live as brother and sister for me to be a member?

Yes, pretty much. You will want to make an appointment with a priest to discuss all the details.

 

[Della]

I am a protestant who is thinking of becoming a catholic. How would the fact that my husband was married once before affect my joining the church? If it’s not annuled, would that mean we would be expected to live as brother and sister for me to be a member?

Was your husband a Protestant or a Catholic at the time of his first marriage? It could make a big difference. If he was a Catholic and married outside the Church without his bishop’s dispensation, then his marriage would be considered “lack of form” and an annulment would be easier for him to obtain. If he was a Protestant the process will be much more involved and may not be granted. An annulment is a declaration that no sacramental marriage took place. The Church recognizes Protestant marriages and so there would have to be some pretty serious reason(s) for the tribunal to find a Protestant marriage had never taken place.

 

[swise]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer my question.
Neither my husband nor I were ever Catholic. My kids and I have went to the local Catholic church for the past 3 weeks and I’ve read some books and looked into things on the internet. It answers a lot of questions for me, because I have been trying so hard to figure out which church is right and I think this one might be.
Does the fact they only lived together for about a week and then seperated with no children, but didn’t get a divorce for about 3 or 4 years help any. How about that my husband was afraid that his baptism wasn’t valid before and was baptised again last year, so he may not have been considered a baptised christian at the time of their marriage. I also didn’t think there was anything wrong with marrying him with the knowledge I had at the time ( since he was legally divorced, I thought it was okay). We have been married for almost 9 years and have 3 children and his 1st wife is remarried with 2 children. Also, living as brother and sister is not an option my husband ( who is not interesting in joining this church anyways) would consider.
It is kinda disheartening to think you were doing good by marrying and making a vow to stay together till death and to think it was valid (from what I knew at the time), have 3 kids and plan on more, then to find out a church you are starting to think has some authority says you’re not actually married and might not be able to join unless you break up your family. Thanks in advance for any help.

 

[agapewolf]

Also, living as brother and sister is not an option my husband ( who is not interesting in joining this church anyways) would consider.
It is kinda disheartening to think you were doing good by marrying and making a vow to stay together till death and to think it was valid (from what I knew at the time), have 3 kids and plan on more, then to find out a church you are starting to think has some authority says you’re not actually married and might not be able to join unless you break up your family. Thanks in advance for any help.

Can you look at it from a different perspective?

What if:

-The Catholic Church is the fullness of truth, with infinite graces available in the sacraments, especially the Eucharist

-You learn this, and come to believe it with all your heart

-The Catholic Church actually honors marriage so much that it believes people when they say “till death”… even people that aren’t in the faith. It expects people to actually follow through with vows they make

NOW does it appear that the church is trying to break up a family? Or just hold people up to the family that might have already existed before yours?

This is not to condemn…you didn’t know. But IF you come to believe that the church is the fullness of truth, than nothing should keep you from it. Sex is not as important as being in the state of grace…seeing as how spouses are the people that are to help you get to heaven.

Yes, you can still come into the church, but would have to live as brother and sister. Hopefully, you won’t have to… hopefully you can get the annullment.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer my question.
Neither my husband nor I were ever Catholic. My kids and I have went to the local Catholic church for the past 3 weeks and I’ve read some books and looked into things on the internet. It answers a lot of questions for me, because I have been trying so hard to figure out which church is right and I think this one might be.
Does the fact they only lived together for about a week and then seperated with no children, but didn’t get a divorce for about 3 or 4 years help any. How about that my husband was afraid that his baptism wasn’t valid before and was baptised again last year, so he may not have been considered a baptised christian at the time of their marriage. I also didn’t think there was anything wrong with marrying him with the knowledge I had at the time ( since he was legally divorced, I thought it was okay). We have been married for almost 9 years and have 3 children and his 1st wife is remarried with 2 children. Also, living as brother and sister is not an option my husband ( who is not interesting in joining this church anyways) would consider.
It is kinda disheartening to think you were doing good by marrying and making a vow to stay together till death and to think it was valid (from what I knew at the time), have 3 kids and plan on more, then to find out a church you are starting to think has some authority says you’re not actually married and might not be able to join unless you break up your family. Thanks in advance for any help.

It would be very likely that you would receive an annulment, though nobody can tell you that definitively in this forum. The whole process for you- annulment, convalidation, and RCIA- would most likely take one year, from now until next Easter. There is no guranatee with the timeframe because of the annulment, but it would be my guess you’d be Catholic in one year without any problems.

It is actually disheartnening to me hear you whine about the Church’s authority, especially considering the severe sacrifices others have made to the Church through fasting and abstinence.

 

[1ke]

swise–

Yes, all of those things would be important to disclose in the marriage investigation.

No one here can tell you whether or not your husband’s first marriage was valid. I suggest you both go talk to a priest, get the ball rolling, and take it one step at a time. Don’t put the cart before the horse by continually thinking about all the possible scenarios.

The journey starts with a single step-- just go talk to the priest.

 

[winnemuccalady]

I find that I am in a similar situation, and I am very disheartened by this whole thing. I was married before and so was my current husband. He is not at all interested in converting, and my wanting to convert is a very personal and intense desire. If I ask my husband to live like brother and sister, I am sure I will be facing another divorce. In addition, he does not have a good relationship with his ex-wife, and he will not go through the annulment process. I would be willing to on my part, but it would hurt my ex husband, who is still my good friend and the father of my four children. To be in the church and not be able to partake of the sacraments would make my heart ache with longing, as it does now when I go to Mass as a non-Catholic. I am going to Mass tomorrow anyway, but I discovered all of this stuff this week, and I am in great turmoil about it.

 

[swise]

I’m sure there are lots of people in this situation. I understand the logic behind the teaching; I just wish I’d known it before. We should do like the previous post said and take baby steps and see what happens. The Lord is always in charge and he’ll help us one way or another. I’ll pray about your situation and I hope things work out soon for you…

 

[tinalewis]

Hi all - I’m going to jump back in here for a minute -

I’ve always loved the Church. But just as I love my husband but don’t always agree with everything he says or does, I don’t always agree that everything the Church says or does about annulments is painless for those affected by it, or even that it’s always for “the best”.

This does no disrespect to those who lived and died for the Church. I thank God for them.

However, I did feel angry and bewildered that the church saw a decision made in the 1980’s by two people I hadn’t even met at the time - prevented me from entering the church when I wanted to enter it and pretty much made tore my heart out during my RCIA experience. It seemed to me that candidates should be allowed into the church based on their own preparation and spriritual readiness.

This is a tough topic, no two-ways about it.

 

[agapewolf]

Hi all - I’m going to jump back in here for a minute -

I’ve always loved the Church. But just as I love my husband but don’t always agree with everything he says or does, I don’t always agree that everything the Church says or does about annulments is painless for those affected by it, or even that it’s always for “the best”.

This does no disrespect to those who lived and died for the Church. I thank God for them.

However, I did feel angry and bewildered that the church saw a decision made in the 1980’s by two people I hadn’t even met at the time - prevented me from entering the church when I wanted to enter it and pretty much made tore my heart out during my RCIA experience. It seemed to me that candidates should be allowed into the church based on their own preparation and spriritual readiness.

This is a tough topic, no two-ways about it.

From the context of what you are saying, you are saying that your previous marriage was not annulled, therefore you CHOSE not to enter the church, because you are currently “married” to someone else. (That what your writing here implies). Since this is what it implies, I will respond to that situation. If it is incorrect, my apologies, but please be more specific.

Again, let me present something. The church saw that your first marriage was valid…that it actually trusts and believes that both parties meant what they said at the vows and is upholding you to that. So, its saying that you are now living as an adulterer civilly “married” to someone else.

The truth is the truth. You can enter the church, if you chose to leave the adulterous situation. You clearly were not spiritually ready, living in mortal sin. It is you who tore your heart out, not the Church. You are welcome to the sacraments, but must have true penance for sins, and willing to “go and sin no more”.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Hi all - I’m going to jump back in here for a minute -

I’ve always loved the Church. But just as I love my husband but don’t always agree with everything he says or does, I don’t always agree that everything the Church says or does about annulments is painless for those affected by it, or even that it’s always for “the best”.

This does no disrespect to those who lived and died for the Church. I thank God for them.

However, I did feel angry and bewildered that the church saw a decision made in the 1980’s by two people I hadn’t even met at the time - prevented me from entering the church when I wanted to enter it and pretty much made tore my heart out during my RCIA experience. It seemed to me that candidates should be allowed into the church based on their own preparation and spriritual readiness.

This is a tough topic, no two-ways about it.

First, the Church is not causing you pain. The culture that you live in that has taught you the false notion that marriages are disposable and not honored by God in a real, spiritual way is the sole cause of your distress. If you were a member of a pagan tribe that had the cultural norm of polygamy, and you were given the opportunity to convert but told to give up your cultural norm, then you could rail against the lack of understanding in the Church but it would not be the fault of the Church. Marriage is not simply considered a physical and emotional bond by the Church, it is also a spiritual bond. God has given us a forum and tool for correcting unhealthy spiritual bonds and that forum and tool is the Church and its careful consideration of the annulment process. The Church is offering you a great grace, and the potential enrichment of your current civil marriage, that you can choose to accept or to spurn.

Second, I am convert, so I am not speaking to you as a person who has always been Catholic and takes the marriage rules of the Church for granted, but we Catholics hear the same excuses all of the time, and you really need to give up your excuses, because you aren’t entitled to them. Everyone thinks their situation is unique and special and they have a good reason for not having an annulment. It’s ridiculous.

You are not exempt and you have no excuse. If you are married to a person who is so self-centered and lacking in self-control and maturity that he would divorce you for putting God before your marital duty to have sex for a couple of months, then maybe you’re better off not continuing to live in that “marriage”. What in the world would he do if you had an accident or an illness and were unable to provide him sex for two months or so? And 2-3 months is how long many of these kinds of annulments take when there was a very brief civil marriage long ago. It is not like the marriage tribunal doesn’t understand your situation.
Nobody can gurantee the time frame, but I have seen more than one example of very short annulment processes when people are in that situation.

EDIT: I notice the above doesn’t apply to you, because you did receive an annulment. In that case- it is directed to the many others who *will not *seek annulments.

 

[puzzleannie]

I am a protestant who is thinking of becoming a catholic. How would the fact that my husband was married once before affect my joining the church? ?

it may, the only way to find out is to sit down with the priest, tell him how you feel about joining the Church, and lay out all the facts about your current, and any previous marriages. he will direct you on what steps need to be taken, and how to conduct yourselves in the meantime. There are so many variables that it would be pointless to hash this out on this forum. See your priest, each journey begins with a single step. Just take things step by step, even if there is something that needs to be done to bring your mode of living in line with Catholic teaching, you can at least begin investigating the teachings of the Church, so you understand how and why these procedures work. Welcome home, no matter how long it takes.

 

[jmcrae]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer my question.
Neither my husband nor I were ever Catholic. My kids and I have went to the local Catholic church for the past 3 weeks and I’ve read some books and looked into things on the internet. It answers a lot of questions for me, because I have been trying so hard to figure out which church is right and I think this one might be.
Does the fact they only lived together for about a week and then seperated with no children, but didn’t get a divorce for about 3 or 4 years help any. How about that my husband was afraid that his baptism wasn’t valid before and was baptised again last year, so he may not have been considered a baptised christian at the time of their marriage. I also didn’t think there was anything wrong with marrying him with the knowledge I had at the time ( since he was legally divorced, I thought it was okay). We have been married for almost 9 years and have 3 children and his 1st wife is remarried with 2 children. Also, living as brother and sister is not an option my husband ( who is not interesting in joining this church anyways) would consider.
It is kinda disheartening to think you were doing good by marrying and making a vow to stay together till death and to think it was valid (from what I knew at the time), have 3 kids and plan on more, then to find out a church you are starting to think has some authority says you’re not actually married and might not be able to join unless you break up your family. Thanks in advance for any help.

These are all important things to mention to your priest when you get an interview with him. No one on the Internet can answer these questions for you.

You also have to be prepared for the fact that you might not receive a Declaration of Nullity. It may turn out that your husband remains validly married to his first wife.

 

[Della]

I find that I am in a similar situation, and I am very disheartened by this whole thing. I was married before and so was my current husband. He is not at all interested in converting, and my wanting to convert is a very personal and intense desire. If I ask my husband to live like brother and sister, I am sure I will be facing another divorce. In addition, he does not have a good relationship with his ex-wife, and he will not go through the annulment process. I would be willing to on my part, but it would hurt my ex husband, who is still my good friend and the father of my four children. To be in the church and not be able to partake of the sacraments would make my heart ache with longing, as it does now when I go to Mass as a non-Catholic. I am going to Mass tomorrow anyway, but I discovered all of this stuff this week, and I am in great turmoil about it.

I just wanted to say that if your current husband ever wanted to pursue an annulment in order to become a Catholic he would not have to contact his ex-wife or have anything to do with her if he didn’t want to. The tribunal would send her paper work to fill out but if she wouldn’t do it that would not prevent him from getting an annulment (if the tribunal ruled that no sacramental marriage had taken place between him and his ex-wife).

Also, I am confused as to why your former husband would be hurt by you seeking an annulment–you’re already divorced. I mean that sincerely–I’m confused about that, I’m not being snarky. You can still be friends with him annulment or no annulment.

If your concern is the legitimacy of your children (the only thing I can think of that could hurt your ex-husband at this point), you needn’t be. The Church doesn’t consider your children illegitimate because when you married your first husband you intended to enter into marriage with him. Whether or not both/either of you intended to live by your marriage vows is another matter which the tribunal would look into for the annulment.

I hope that helps you. In any case, talk to your priest about it because he will be able to advise you better than we can here as to your particular situation. All the best to you and your family.

 

[alexnden]

I am a protestant who is thinking of becoming a catholic. How would the fact that my husband was married once before affect my joining the church? If it’s not annuled, would that mean we would be expected to live as brother and sister for me to be a member?

I am Protestant too. My wife is Catholic and divorced. She contacted the priest, explained why she divorced her Catholic husband and given the circumstances was told she would likely get an annulment.

However, my wife mentioned the priest does not see our marriage as valid. I have no idea why unless it is because I am Protestant. This is my first marriage.

This has really thrown me for a loop and is causing me to rethink converting. Does anyone have other reasons why a priest would not recognize our marriage?

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Your wife should have told you the reason why your marriage is not considered valid has nothing to do with you being Protestant. It is not valid because your wife was not free to marry when she married you. Your marriage will not be valid until your wife obtains an annulment AND your marriage is convalidated by a priest. The convalidation part is very simple compared to the annulment.