Can I participate in a Non Valid Marriage?

[Cassock]

I was asked to say the blessing over the dinner at my niece’s wedding. She is a Catholic, who is NOT getting married in the Catholic church and has NOT gotten a dispensation from the Church to marry outside of it.

I told them that I can not participate in the ceremony as it is not valid. However I was asked to just say the blessing over the food at the reception dinner. I said that the reception is an extension of the ceremony and by doing this it may be putting my stamp of approval on it.

What is the Church’s position on my participation in this event and it’s celebration?

 

[lizaanne]

Why would you want to endorse an invalid marriage in any way? The Church’s position is clear - if it’s not valid, it’s not valid. Whether or not you say a blessing over the meal is not relevant. It is then up to you to decide to what extent do YOU wish to endorse an invalid union.

I would suggest telling her that she needs to find someone else to give a blessing - I certainly never could in those circumstances.

~Liza

 

[pigtown]

I was asked to say the blessing over the dinner at my niece’s wedding. She is a Catholic, who is NOT getting married in the Catholic church and has NOT gotten a dispensation from the Church to marry outside of it.

I told them that I can not participate in the ceremony as it is not valid. However I was asked to just say the blessing over the food at the reception dinner. I said that the reception is an extension of the ceremony and by doing this it may be putting my stamp of approval on it.

What is the Church’s position on my participation in this event and it’s celebration?

You were asked to give a blessing over the food. Why would you not want to do such a simple thing? This is your family member, someone you probably have been with and loved from the time she was born. Be happy for her and ask God to bless the food. You didn’t say why she isn’t getting married in the Catholic Church but at least she is getting married.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I was asked to say the blessing over the dinner at my niece’s wedding. She is a Catholic, who is NOT getting married in the Catholic church and has NOT gotten a dispensation from the Church to marry outside of it.

I believe the Church teaches that you may not attend the wedding because your presence there would signal your support and approval of an invalid marriage. However, I have read Q&As on EWTN.com, which indicate that the thing to do is not attend the wedding but do attend the reception. The idea is to try to maintain family harmony and leave the door open to possible reconciliation. That way you do express your disapproval of the wedding, but you don’t totally ruin the relationship if you go to the reception. That might be the thing to do. If you attend neither, than you might close a door that can never be opened again. If you attend the reception only, maybe the door will be almost shut but still cracked open enough so that you can someday still have a positive Faith influence on your niece and her family?

That doesn’t really sound realistic to me, but that is what I’ve read many times on EWTN.com. Maybe it is possible, though, because you would be acting out of charity and not malice or self-righteousness and your niece may someday understand that.

 

[KCT]

Let’s see . . . she’s a baptized Catholic marrying outside the Church w/ no dispensation. That means she is putting herself in a state of mortal sin.

A generation or 2 ago, almost no Catholic would have attended such a wedding or reception. Why is it so hard now to say “sorry I can’t attend”?

Has the action become OK or has our attitude about the action changed?

 

[SwizzleStick]

Let’s see . . . she’s a baptized Catholic marrying outside the Church w/ no dispensation. That means she is putting herself in a state of mortal sin.

A generation or 2 ago, almost no Catholic would have attended such a wedding or reception. Why is it so hard now to say “sorry I can’t attend”?

Has the action become OK or has our attitude about the action changed?

No, the action is not okay. I do wonder how many Catholics know that is is actually sinful for them to attend an invalid marriage such as the one described in the original post? We are living in times where folks are Catholic, but many truly don’t really know what that means and the many details that covers.

My post about not attending the wedding but possibly attending the reception for the sake of family unity just conveys the info I got from EWTN.com, but I didn’t know myself until about 5 years ago that it was sinful and forbidden for a Catholic to even attend such a wedding. I’m not new to Catholicism either. I’m a cradle Catholic with a pretty solid Catholic base. I’ve posted about my background in other posts. Anyway, maybe my parents just didn’t talk about such things and were pretty stoic or maybe they tried not to be judgmental if it ever happened, but I wonder if they simply didn’t know either and didn’t mention it just because they’d never run into anything like an invalid marriage before? Of course, both sides of my family is Catholic and most of my family and friends did marry during a valid Catholic Mass (and most remain married), so maybe that has something to do with it too. We’re living in a whole new world now, that is certain, so this is definitely new territory for some of us.

 

[KCT]

No, the action is not okay. I do wonder how many Catholics know that is is actually sinful for them to attend an invalid marriage such as the one described in the original post? We are living in times where folks are Catholic, but many truly don’t really know what that means and the many details that covers.

I agree. Not one of my (baptized) brothers married in the Church, and I attended their weddings. I didn’t know any better.

Now I know better and make decisions accordingly.

 

[Newbie2]

Let’s see . . . she’s a baptized Catholic marrying outside the Church w/ no dispensation. That means she is putting herself in a state of mortal sin.

Do you happen to know a reference for this? I haven’t ever heard of this being the case.

If so, yes, go to the reception…after the hitchin’ it’s a done deal and to not go in protest after the fact seems to be making a moot point. Besides, if the OP really wants to show non-conformance to the marriage, then it would be somewhat hypocritical to not go to the reception but to go to any future events that celebrate the fruits of an invalid (meaning non-sacramental, I assume) marriage, such as birthdays of kids, anniversaries, etc.

 

[otjm]

I am always amused by the people who wish to be absolutists, and then can’t understand why the people who have left the Church have no intention of ever returning again.

The issue of giving scandal at a wedding such as this is at best minimal; most people don’t know if there is a Church rule stating that a practicing Catholic cannot go; and most who state that there is such a rule cannot cite it.

At some point one has to make a decision: is standing there, saying to the couple, their parents, sbilings, aunts, uncles, grandparents and anyone else who is within hearing that the Church forbids this and the person making the statement won’t go; or is there another way - or even a bunch of ways - to say what the Church teaches about the sacredness of marriage? To say that saying a blessing at the reception is to participate in the marriage ceremony is stretching anything the Church might teach, or rule, beyond a semblance of recognizability.

The next time you are at a family gathering, are you going to get up and leave if this couple comes in? And if you do, do you really think that you will be showing God’s mercy to them and everyone else who observes this, or just a face of judgementalism?

I do not suggest condoning the marriage as if it were perfectly fine. I do suggest that your proposed reaction is going to be seen as a rigid and judgementalist attitude, one that people already project onto the Church, and which keeps a large number of Catholics from reconcilling.

There are numerous ways of skinning a cat. There are also numerous ways of standing up for our faith; the position that “I wouldn’t be caught dead there” is one.

I deal with a different issue: I have two children who have left the Faith for something entirely different. They know what I approve of and what I don’t; but Hell would freeze over before I would refuse to say a blessing at their reception. I am not ashamed of being a Catholic, and anyone who knows me knows what I believe. I don’t have to leave to get them to understand my position.