Can I skip my sister's wedding?

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primrose5891

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I’m going through a very dark time. Everyone I’ve cared about has hurt me badly. My friends and family were my world, and I’ve lost most all of them. I really only have my immediate family left. I see them every month or so, but I’m not close to any of them anymore. Every meeting with them is more painful than the last, because we seem to be drifting farther and farther apart each time. Each meeting is a reminder of what we used to have. It’s a reminder of how different I am from everyone. No one understands me, not even my family. My sister’s wedding is in a few months, and I’m absolutely dreading it. My sister and I were close, but we had a falling out several years ago. I would call her up to see how she was doing, but she wouldn’t open up to me like she used to. Then, she would either be gone or on the phone with her door closed everytime I came to visit my parents and her. She seemed to have lost interest in me and moved on to more interesting people. (This is the same thing that happened to me and my brother.) Since my sister and I drifted apart, I have only spoken a few times in the past several years. The only times she calls me are when she wants something. I don’t even know who she is now. Even so, she’s asked me to be a bridesmaid.
There is no one in my family- immediate or extended- that I feel comfortable around. I’m different from them all, and we all know it. The idea of being stuck with hundreds of family members for a few days at the wedding, who seem to think I’m some kind of freak, who give me a constant reminder of how different I am from them all, is unbearable. I keep hoping I can find some way out of it. I’m hoping that I’ll get sick, or get into an accident. Something, anything, that will keep me from having to endure that torture. I hate feeling this way- I love my family and I want to be around them, but being around them is just too painful. I feel trapped with no way out.
If nothing else, could you please say a prayer for peace in my soul? I desperately want to make changes, but am at a loss as to how. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of trying.
 
primrose5891 said:
I’m going through a very dark time. Everyone I’ve cared about has hurt me badly. My friends and family were my world, and I’ve lost most all of them. I really only have my immediate family left. I see them every month or so, but I’m not close to any of them anymore. Every meeting with them is more painful than the last, because we seem to be drifting farther and farther apart each time. Each meeting is a reminder of what we used to have. It’s a reminder of how different I am from everyone. No one understands me, not even my family. My sister’s wedding is in a few months, and I’m absolutely dreading it. My sister and I were close, but we had a falling out several years ago. I would call her up to see how she was doing, but she wouldn’t open up to me like she used to. Then, she would either be gone or on the phone with her door closed everytime I came to visit my parents and her. She seemed to have lost interest in me and moved on to more interesting people. (This is the same thing that happened to me and my brother.) Since my sister and I drifted apart, I have only spoken a few times in the past several years. The only times she calls me are when she wants something. I don’t even know who she is now. Even so, she’s asked me to be a bridesmaid.
There is no one in my family- immediate or extended- that I feel comfortable around. I’m different from them all, and we all know it. The idea of being stuck with hundreds of family members for a few days at the wedding, who seem to think I’m some kind of freak, who give me a constant reminder of how different I am from them all, is unbearable. I keep hoping I can find some way out of it. I’m hoping that I’ll get sick, or get into an accident. Something, anything, that will keep me from having to endure that torture. I hate feeling this way- I love my family and I want to be around them, but being around them is just too painful. I feel trapped with no way out.
If nothing else, could you please say a prayer for peace in my soul? I desperately want to make changes, but am at a loss as to how. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of trying.
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Talk to a priest and talk to a therapist about your feelings and definitely go to the wedding, but figure out how to minimize the amount of time you are there each day. Look into transportation, etc. If you can get out of the bridesmaid deal, that would probably be a good idea, as that undoubtedly has a major time commitment. It is quite an honor that your sister has asked you to be a bridesmaid, and it shows that she does want a relationship with you and she does love you. Take that and cherish it and figure out a good way to tell your sister, “I am so glad that you wanted me to be your bridesmaid, but I don’t think I’m up to it. I don’t think I could manage all of the responsibilities that a bridesmaid has and I want you to have the best wedding possible.”

Also, if you think that either of your parents would understand at all, talk to the most sympathetic one and figure out with them how you can attend the wedding (maybe even be there every day) but not be there all day every day. It can be done, especially if your mom or dad understands that you are feeling overwhelmed by the wedding, and you’re trying to figure out a way to attend it in reasonable doses.

If you previously had a good relationship with your family, you can have a good relationship with them again. They love you and they probably feel that you are withdrawing from them.
 
Xantippe said:
Talk to a priest and talk to a therapist about your feelings and definitely go to the wedding, but figure out how to minimize the amount of time you are there each day. Look into transportation, etc. If you can get out of the bridesmaid deal, that would probably be a good idea, as that undoubtedly has a major time commitment.
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Thank you for your advice. A lot of it is along the lines of what my therapist has discussed with me, and what sounds like the best approach. The thing is, I don’t know if I can handle ANY amount of time with my whole family at the wedding. Even if I were to go for just the wedding for the reception, I’m afraid I’ll have a breakdown. I’m trying to get over this fear of pain, but it’s suffocating me.
 
Maybe have a frank talk with your priest about what happened to cause this notion that you are totally different from everyone in your family.
This seems to be the root of all the problem.
I wish you the best. Go to the wedding. She’s your sister. The love you show her on her special day will soften her heart. And you will be a better person for it. If you can’t stay long, fine. But go. And be gracious. As much as you can manage. This is likely only the beginning of many more family functions. IT would be shame to divorce yourself from you entire family. I pray you can work through this and reconcile with them. And they with you.
 
primrose5891 said:
Thank you for your advice. A lot of it is along the lines of what my therapist has discussed with me, and what sounds like the best approach. The thing is, I don’t know if I can handle ANY amount of time with my whole family at the wedding. Even if I were to go for just the wedding for the reception, I’m afraid I’ll have a breakdown. I’m trying to get over this fear of pain, but it’s suffocating me.
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One thing you may find comforting is that the ceremony and the reception will have several “scripted” parts where you won’t be forced to make too much small talk with others. If you aren’t a bridesmaid, you don’t have to be part of the receiving line. Before and after the ceremony, you can find a bathroom or other quiet place to do some deep breathing or other calming exercises (I’m sure your therapist could help you with this.)

For the reception, you could ask a parent if it would be possible for you to sit near the folks you have the least problem with, or with people you’re not related to. Apart from dinner, you don’t have to sit at the table. It’s very easy to have excuses to leave the reception early (though you don’t owe one to anybody). If it were me, I’d ensure that I had a way to transport myself back to wherever I was staying, and keep that in my back pocket. Stay at the reception as long as you like, and when you’ve had enough, you can slip out quietly and head back to be by yourself.

One very small thing I would caution against…please avoid the trap of thinking that this wedding is about you and your issues with your family. It’s about your sister and her husband to be. I am NOT saying that you think this way, but sometimes when we are anxious it can be easy to get trapped in our own thinking and forget reality. If this is not you, feel free to disregard, but as someone who’s had lots of issues with her own family and struggled with anxiety I know this is something that I have struggled with.
 
pensmama87 said:
One thing you may find comforting is that the ceremony and the reception will have several “scripted” parts where you won’t be forced to make too much small talk with others. If you aren’t a bridesmaid, you don’t have to be part of the receiving line. Before and after the ceremony, you can find a bathroom or other quiet place to do some deep breathing or other calming exercises (I’m sure your therapist could help you with this.)

For the reception, you could ask a parent if it would be possible for you to sit near the folks you have the least problem with, or with people you’re not related to. Apart from dinner, you don’t have to sit at the table. It’s very easy to have excuses to leave the reception early (though you don’t owe one to anybody). If it were me, I’d ensure that I had a way to transport myself back to wherever I was staying, and keep that in my back pocket. Stay at the reception as long as you like, and when you’ve had enough, you can slip out quietly and head back to be by yourself.

One very small thing I would caution against…please avoid the trap of thinking that this wedding is about you and your issues with your family. It’s about your sister and her husband to be. I am NOT saying that you think this way, but sometimes when we are anxious it can be easy to get trapped in our own thinking and forget reality. If this is not you, feel free to disregard, but as someone who’s had lots of issues with her own family and struggled with anxiety I know this is something that I have struggled with.
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Yes!

Figure out how to be able to leave as soon as you need to. If you know you can leave at any time and that you are in control of the situation, you may be able to stay longer.

And like pensmama87 says, remember that you aren’t the focus of attention at the wedding–that would be the bride and the groom. You can come late, leave early, and nobody but your very nearest relatives will notice. Even your sister might not notice, given all of the excitement and the social demands of talking to all of those people. But definitely dodge bridesmaid duty, as that would reduce your freedom of movement.

Best wishes!
 
primrose5891 said:
I’m going through a very dark time. Everyone I’ve cared about has hurt me badly. My friends and family were my world, and I’ve lost most all of them. I really only have my immediate family left. I see them every month or so, but I’m not close to any of them anymore. Every meeting with them is more painful than the last, because we seem to be drifting farther and farther apart each time. Each meeting is a reminder of what we used to have. It’s a reminder of how different I am from everyone. No one understands me, not even my family. My sister’s wedding is in a few months, and I’m absolutely dreading it. My sister and I were close, but we had a falling out several years ago. I would call her up to see how she was doing, but she wouldn’t open up to me like she used to. Then, she would either be gone or on the phone with her door closed everytime I came to visit my parents and her. She seemed to have lost interest in me and moved on to more interesting people. (This is the same thing that happened to me and my brother.) Since my sister and I drifted apart, I have only spoken a few times in the past several years. The only times she calls me are when she wants something. I don’t even know who she is now. Even so, she’s asked me to be a bridesmaid.
There is no one in my family- immediate or extended- that I feel comfortable around. I’m different from them all, and we all know it. The idea of being stuck with hundreds of family members for a few days at the wedding, who seem to think I’m some kind of freak, who give me a constant reminder of how different I am from them all, is unbearable. I keep hoping I can find some way out of it. I’m hoping that I’ll get sick, or get into an accident. Something, anything, that will keep me from having to endure that torture. I hate feeling this way- I love my family and I want to be around them, but being around them is just too painful. I feel trapped with no way out.
If nothing else, could you please say a prayer for peace in my soul? I desperately want to make changes, but am at a loss as to how. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of trying.
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Say you can’t be maid of honor due to some personal problems.
 
You were using words in your post like “torture”, “stuck”, that you’d rather be in an accident than go. I know there are some who would say you must go, but I’m not one of them. I know some families exist where it’d be worse to go than to stay away. Do whatever you need to in order to keep your mental health. To heck with guilt. Guilt is not a good reason to go. Let someone be maid of honor who wants the role.

If you go, it will only be out of a sense of obligation, causing you all kinds of stress. Life’s too short. Simplify your life. Don’t go!

There are some dynamics going on that are uncomfortable for you. Family or no, you are not under any obligation to go.

Personally, I believe a person has a right to his/her sanity.
 
I honestly don’t think talking to a priest would do any good. If you already have a therapist you trust, I would continue talking to her. A priest can only tell you what is sinful and what isn’t and it is no sin to refuse a wedding invitation.

Personally if I was you, I would call my sister up and ask her why she even wants me to be a bridesmaid after avoiding me so long. I can not count how many stories I have heard of women who never bother to keep in touch with anyone one and then out of the blue they call someone from high school they haven’t seen in years asking them to be their brides maid :rolleyes:

Society puts a lot of pressure on woman to have their ‘10 best friends’ be part of the wedding party and these poor brides are running around looking all over the place to find such 10 good friends. I have seen so many token bridesmaids, I would not be complimented if someone who use to avoid me asked me to participate, I would feel used

Angie
 
Presuming that you’re all going to Heaven, you’re going to have to learn to be around these people a lot longer than that. How can Heaven be Heaven, if the saints are not brought to the point where they can forgive those who ought to have loved them, but who harmed them, instead? Remember the prayer attributed to the spirit of St. Francis:

*Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant
that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.*

I think you have two options.

One is to decide that in spite of how hard it is going to be for you to do this and how you expect to get nothing out of it for yourself, you are going to do it for the sake of everything your sister was to you, back when you are close, and because you know you are loved by God even when you are cold-hearted from Him and alienated from God’s way. Perhaps you can do that. There was a time when you would have done anything for her. This is your chance to prove that you meant it.

The other is to decide that as much as you want to do that, you have not recovered enough from all the losses you have been through in order to do it. Even though your sister is on the short list of people for whom you would do that, because of all she has been to you in your lifetime and in spite of how she has handled the last few years with you, you may conclude that you just can’t. In that case, you call up your sister right away and you tell her that: I love you, I want to do this for you, but I’m afraid I can’t and I don’t want to have a break-down and ruin your wedding by having anything on my face but total happiness for you. Then you talk to her about it. If she really wants you to go and she is willing to chance that there will be some bad scene, then ask for her to help you through it.

IOW, make this about her and what she has been to you, the good things she has done for you that nothing can take away from you, and forgiving what she has done lately for the sake of those things. Then decide what to do, based on the low place and the limited emotional resources you have right now. That way, you give yourself the best chance that things can improve between you and your sister some day, when you reconcile yourself to the ways you have grown apart and realized your differences and had more of a chance for both of you to heal. Maybe you can never be confidants again, maybe you can never be super close as social partners again, but you can grow to where you are thankful for at least what you had in your tender years, when it did do you good while it lasted.

I would ask your therapist about this suggestion, and role-play it before you have this talk with your sister. No matter what happens, though, resolve to try to do your best in the situation, and then accept with peace what comes. Reduce the things you’ll regret later as much as you can, knowing what you know now, and then resolve to let go of the things that might happen because you don’t have a crystal ball and don’t have the strength or knowledge now that you will have some day.
 
My cross is laying down my cross. We have a free will. You do not have to do anything. Ask yourself who you are being selfish towards. Yourself by going or your sister by not going.
 
Again, you said you were tired of hurting. In so many words, you’re tired of being used, only being called when somebody wants something. It’s all take, no give. It’s not a mutual relationship.

No wonder you don’t want to go, because if you go again, the same patterns probably will still emerge. I think you’re right to trust your instincts, and you said you were feeling “dread”, wishing for sickness or an accident.

Yeah, we are called to be Christian, but we need to be realistic. If it will make you that uncomfortable, it’s just not worth it.

You are getting the short end of the stick. If you don’t protect yourself, who will?

There is such a thing as being charitable, However, sounds like you get used, are too nice a person to tell the person to stop. So, it continues. If you can’t tell the person to stop and set boundaries, the next way is to avoid the situation and not go.

If you want to change this situation and life, stop going out of obligation to all these things you don’t want to go to, where you are only going to be used and know that.

I think once you stop that, you will begin to feel relieved.
 
If you are looking for empathy, understanding, and permission to miss, you’ve got it!
 
Anglewannabe said:
Personally if I was you, I would call my sister up and ask her why she even wants me to be a bridesmaid after avoiding me so long. I can not count how many stories I have heard of women who never bother to keep in touch with anyone one and then out of the blue they call someone from high school they haven’t seen in years asking them to be their brides maid :rolleyes:

**Bad idea. The OP is going to have to deal with her sister off and on until one of them dies.

There’s no point in asking that question–the sister may feel guilty, she may want to improve the relationship, she may have an odd groomsman she needs to match with a bridesmaid, or maybe future MIL asked her why her sister isn’t a bridesmaid? Or maybe she’s always dreamed of having the OP as a bridesmaid. It’s totally normal to ask your sister to be a bridesmaid.

It’s really not important what the OP’s sister’s motivation is. Asking your sister to be a bridesmaid is not something that needs a special reason to do. The important thing is keeping the door open for an improvement in the relationship in the future. Asking her why she asked the OP is not a good idea–it’s needlessly confrontational and potentially a relationship ender, especially in the heightened emotional atmosphere of a wedding (brides, like elephants and expectant mothers, never forget). Also, you’re unlikely to get a straight answer. Better to thank her for the honor but say you feel unequal to the responsibility.**

Society puts a lot of pressure on woman to have their ‘10 best friends’ be part of the wedding party and these poor brides are running around looking all over the place to find such 10 good friends. I have seen so many token bridesmaids, I would not be complimented if someone who use to avoid me asked me to participate, I would feel used

Angie
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A sister is not quite on the same level as a “friend.”
 
Yeah, sisters are for life.

So, is she supposed to go, be used by her sister…for the rest of her life?
 
ClearWater said:
Yeah, sisters are for life.

So, is she supposed to go, be used by her sister…for the rest of her life?
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How is it “using” someone to ask them to be a member of your wedding party? This is putting the sister in a no-win situation. What if the sister was getting married and *didn’t *invite the OP to be in the wedding party, and the OP was hurt about that? She couldn’t un-do the hurt by asking her to be in the wedding party after the fact.

Family are the people who are going to be there in your mind for every holiday, who will be there at every funeral, either in body or in spirit. That doesn’t mean that the OP has to serve as a bridesmaid. She does need to keep the long-term relationship in mind, and how she decides to handle this will be there even if she never speaks to anyone in her family ever again. It will certainly be there on the day she herself is married.

It is OK to decide she cannot trust herself to do a good job as a bridesmaid, but she has to talk to her sister about it soon. If it is possible, it would be best to suck it up and do for her sister what she hopes that her sister will be able to do for her, the Golden Rule. If she honestly cannot do that because she doesn’t have the emotional resources for it, then she needs to figure out how to back out in a way that lets her sister know that her sister’s interests are in her mind. The sister may not have a great relationship with her now, but she has been there for her in the past.

The OP will be glad that she reached into herself and gave the best she had, whatever that best is, for the sake of the sisterhood she once enjoyed. If she looks inside and honestly does that, and yet her sister is upset because she doesn’t think it is good enough, at least the OP can look herself in the mirror and say, “I know I did my best, that although I was weak and brought down and not able to do what I might have liked, I was not self-centered and I did my best. She may not believe it, but I know it is true. My best was all I had to offer, and that is what I gave my sister on her wedding day.” That is a gift that the OP can give to herself that she won’t be able to give herself if she lets this chance go by. That is the way I would advise she look at this: What way of dealing with this will give me the greatest sense of satisfaction and integrity when I look back at it? That is integrity towards her sister, integrity towards herself, integrity towards the big picture of not just this moment, but moments in the past and moments yet to come.
 
I can somewhat relate to what you are saying about feeling like you just never “fit in.” This is a key personality trait of some of the most inspirational artists, writers, and musicians. These strong emotions need to find a creative outlet. When you find a “place” to share these deep feelings ( a blog, a book, a painting) and find SOME people who accept you and appreciate you for who you are, the sense of being “rejected” or a “misfit” or “different” amongst your family members will fade away and become much less important to you. I think your relationship with your family and your sister is changing because you need to find your own way in this world.

I try not to let my emotions overpower me so much that I end up doing things that I may later regret in life. I would go to the wedding, I wouldn’t stay too long. I would act confident even if I didn’t feel confident, and have some kind of private mantra going on my mind that says, “You can’t hurt me anymore!” Prayers.
 
The fact that your sister asked you to be a bridesmaid could be her way of extending the olive branch. Wedding can be a place for new beginnings and by going, it could reduce some of the tension that has existed for years.

There is alot of the story I don’t know but it seems as if there has been a lot of family issues that haven’t been resolved. If you can, it might be a good idea to try and talk some of the problems out with your sister before the wedding. You could also ask your parents because they might be able to shed light onto the situation in ways you never thought of.

Instead of a priest, I suggest that you see a counsellor or a psychologist who can give you some ideas in how to handle the situation. Priests are great for some things, but with your problems with your family other professional help seems more appropriate. You could also ask him to recommend someone in your area since I am sure priests refer people more often than we realize.

At some point, it might be a good idea to see him for confession and bring some of your negative feelings to the confessional. There seems as if there is a lot of unforgiveness from the past so perhaps on that level he could help you.

As for the wedding, for the sake of peace, you should go to the wedding but also go equipped with some coping mechanisms for the duration of the celebration. For example, invite a male friend to go to the wedding with you who can be a supportive friend you can turn to when your family drives you crazy. I have been in numerous family situations where having that person around reduced my stress and prevented countless family arguments because that person was able to listen to my frustrations without me blowing up at family members due to their inability to act like mature adults.

Secondly before the wedding, try to limit your time with the family as much as you can without starting more family fires. For example you can blame your inability to come earlier on work. Go when you can but make sure you make it for the wedding rehearsal. (If you miss that, it will cause more wars.) I would try to see the family before the wedding in order to reduce any tensions that exist among you. If you do, bring that friend along as well.

At the wedding, I recommend that you use your own vehicle to get you to the ceremony and you could ask your friend to drive the vehicle to the reception hall if your sister insists the bridal party comes to the reception together. By having your own vehicle you can leave whenever you feel like it and when it will cause the less friction. When you are there, also don’t stay with family. Try to stay in a hotel or even a youth hostel. I know sometimes it is possible to rent a room with some of the religious sisters in the area as well. By having a separate space that will also limit your time with family.

If you speak to a counsellor or a psychologist, they will be able to recommend more ideas. But the fact remains, it is important to be true to yourself. I think going to the wedding will be benefical but I don’t think you should stay long.

Do what you can. Figure out what your boundaries are and stick to them. If your family doesn’t understand it, they can go fly a kite.

I hope we are helpful with all of our suggestions.

Whatever happens hang in there. We all know what it feels to deal with stupid family members.

On a side note, if you decide you can’t make it, blame it on work or your crazy school schedule. You can tell them because of either one or the combination, you were unable to get the time off. That way, it looks better because it is a well known fact that sometimes school and bosses will not give someone the time off. Wedding or no wedding, let’s face it, some employers don’t care.
 
EasterJoy said:
How is it “using” someone to ask them to be a member of your wedding party? This is putting the sister in a no-win situation. What if the sister was getting married and *didn’t *invite the OP to be in the wedding party, and the OP was hurt about that? She couldn’t un-do the hurt by asking her to be in the wedding party after the fact.

Family are the people who are going to be there in your mind for every holiday, who will be there at every funeral, either in body or in spirit. That doesn’t mean that the OP has to serve as a bridesmaid. She does need to keep the long-term relationship in mind, and how she decides to handle this will be there even if she never speaks to anyone in her family ever again. It will certainly be there on the day she herself is married.

It is OK to decide she cannot trust herself to do a good job as a bridesmaid, but she has to talk to her sister about it soon. If it is possible, it would be best to suck it up and do for her sister what she hopes that her sister will be able to do for her, the Golden Rule. If she honestly cannot do that because she doesn’t have the emotional resources for it, then she needs to figure out how to back out in a way that lets her sister know that her sister’s interests are in her mind. The sister may not have a great relationship with her now, but she has been there for her in the past.

The OP will be glad that she reached into herself and gave the best she had, whatever that best is, for the sake of the sisterhood she once enjoyed. In that case, if the sister is upset because she doesn’t think it is good enough, at least the OP can look herself in the mirror and say, “I know I did my best, that although I was weak and brought down and not able to do what I might have liked, I was not self-centered and did my best. She may not believe it, but I know it is true. My best was all I had to offer, and that is what I gave my sister on her wedding day.”
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People are saying if the OP would go to counseling, maybe this scenario could change.

Based on the information the OP gave us, I would not expect the sister to make this unbelievable personality change overnight. Also, I don’t think trying to change the OP in therapy will help with a using sister, unless it’s some kind of assertiveness training.

I think this pattern has come about, since the OP has not been able to stand up to the sister, that it’s been going on, probably years, unlikely to change very easily now.

It sounds like the OP’s boundaries are being chronically violated. Were they to have any possible chance at a healthy relationship, these violations would need to stop.

Until that can happen, I don’t think the OP should attend the wedding. If she did, she’d be used.

Also, for change to occur, the OP’s sister would probably need to be the one in counseling.
 
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