I agree with Monicad that the family and the boy might ironically feel jealous of the bounty from which your charity is offered, OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if the necessity of getting help at all from others causes resentment towards the helpers in the 13 year old. His dad had cancer so bad the doctors were helpless to stop it, you are helping, which means you are the family that has both health and enough extra money that you can actually give it away, while his family has a serious lack of both. At an age when young people like to be making a contribution, he is powerless to do anything to change what happened to his dad, to his mom, to his family. Even this other kid who is vulnerable–meaning, your son–is in a position to grant charity out of his own pocket, but the oldest son in the family feels as if he himself can’t do anything! That can make a teen feel very angry and jealous. A serious level of acting out is unfortunate, but not surprising, and his choice to bring the brunt of his resentment down on the most vulnerable member of your family is not that much of a surprise, either.
Having said that, your son doesn’t have the emotional resources to absorb this kind of abuse. You don’t have much choice but to do what is necessary to keep him safe. If the mother of the boy who is attacking him won’t do it, you have to. I’d tell your son that you have to hope the other boy will grow out of this terrible behavior, but there is a time to accept that he needs help that neither you nor your son can give. Sometimes, there is something to be gained by absorbing what other people dish out in their pain, but this is not one of those times. This kid would be better off if someone said, “No. You’re hurting, but you cannot be allowed to do this to someone. That is out-of-bounds, period.”
Most of us have been far less grateful than we have been blessed, so doing for others without the expectation of thanks is a praiseworthy thing. Having said that, sometimes what we do is not accepted with gratitude because it is actually resented or in some way unwanted. If the people we help do not act grateful, we have to consider that perhaps we are not really wanted, and withdraw our offers of help accordingly. (It is not as if someone who has accepted a lot of help from us can openly admit how they resent our help.)
If you are not at least getting verbal thanks, I would not call to offer help, because the lack of expressed gratitude is an indication that the family may not want your help but may not know how to tell you that. If you are asked for help, do not agree to anything that puts contact between your son and theirs. Encourage them to get help from another source, such as their relatives. Play it by ear, but realize that it is time that you refrain on doing anything for this family that will require another sacrifice by your son. He’s not in a position to offer that.
I echo those who made the conjecture that life may be no bowl of cherries for the 12 year old living in the same house with that 13 year old, too. I can hardly believe he is only that cruel with just one bystander. If I had to guess, I’d guess that the studious 12 year old is getting the most of the brunt of the older brother’s impulses towards cruel misbehavior. If there is any gracious way to let your son have contact with the younger one and give him a respite from his brother, it might do them both good. Otherwise, offer up what you’ve done, pray for this family, but back away.
