Can I vent?

[mariam1976]

They should, but what’s the purpose of relating the compliments? I don’t think they’re obliged to tell me and I can’t see any benefit in being told that. It’s not like I mind if it’s a normal part of a bigger narration, but, “Hello, darling. Mr X has told me I’m pretty,” is that honestly expected to get out of me a, “That’s wonderful, darling?”

however, it should not elicit a response that "your girlfriend has not conducted herself properly which is the reason why she got that compliment!!!"

You can’t possibly narrate everything everyone told you, so the selection matters - the most important things are told. Question is therefore, why should a compliment from a man be among the most important things?

***I do think some girls can narrate everything…(me included!!!) ***

If it pops up in narration, there’s no ulterior motive. If it’s sort of “confessed”, brought up as matter of honesty, then I’m moved, but I hope I’m not expected to confess every compliment taken myself. If it’s told separately, as the single news item, then there is most probably an ulterior motive of getting attention. And that kind of getting attention hurts me (physically even, sometimes), even if I make effort to try and be compassionate.
You’ve just answered yourself.
That or make sure she isn’t forcing herself to stay with me against her heart and her mind. Sometimes you have to let go.
What charade? The fact someone’s told my girl she’s pretty doesn’t create any charade. It just happened. Good on her, good on him for being a charmant gentleman, nice for me to hear I have a pretty girlfriend. But not telling me that would certainly not be hiding. I sense that you insist it’s done out of honesty - and in that case, I respect that. But it’s not expedient otherwise, such as said without thinking or without any motive, if it’s not a part of a bigger narration - in other words, “hello, darling, Mr X has said I’m pretty.” Why would I need to be told that so specifically? If she feels the need to bring it up to make things clear, okay. If she wants bona fide to brag, fine. But other possible motives feel strange to me. It’s not like it’s wrong to say. The question is not why not say, but why say?

***one of the things that have come up here is

was this whole thing that you narrated - bekahlou a part of the whole discussion or did you just tell him that only?

it will make a huge difference based on that and our responses to you… i was obviously saying that as part of the whole conversation… ***

Nope. No need to make specific effort to cut it out of otherwise fluent narration. Surely not. But if it’s brought up separately and on its own then one gets to wonder. It also matters how the girl reacts if you describe a friend of yours in similar terms. I have a short tolerance for double standards. What makes me insecure is not when a girlfriend of mine says some guy is great but when she goes on about what great a guy he is (especially the more it’s about boyfriend qualities rather than friend qualities - don’t tell me you’d be happy to listen to your hypothetical partner talking about a girl’s great legs or how she oggled him or what great physique she had, how hot, smart, captivating, dazzling she were and whatnot) and it looks like she’s developing some kind of infatuation. Of course, I’m theorising here and this doesn’t refer or relate to the Opening Poster in any way.

i agree with chevalier about how i did hate it when my x-husband would call all his friends (who were girls) pet names, even the one whom he had just met who was my friend… ( he decided he was going to name her… arrrrggghhhh ) and would go on and on about these friends of his…

 

[Keikiolu]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keikiolu forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_cad/viewpost.gif
[All]

What a nice post.

You like my “crumpy old guy” persona…? You’re a true connoisseur of subtle humor, and goofy “parables”.

Quote:
What your boyfriend should have done is to tell you, nicely but with fire in his eyes, to clarify the situation such that everyone understands that he’d kick the backside of ANYONE who threatens his relationship with you.

Naaah, relationship matters don’t merit violence.

I absolutely agree that violence is uncalled for, and I was being “metaphorical” about the posterior-kicking thing, but “stong emotion” does not equal “violence”.

He shouldn’t even lash out. It annoys me to no end that some men hit on taken ladies, but it would be too possessive to go to violence over that and I don’t think it’s reasonable anyway. I make it a point to solve especially female-related matters non-violently.

That is more than wise of you. No one should be “hitting on” anyone, by the way.

Especially if it didn’t threaten the lady’s honour but just the relationship with me, I’d leave it to her to react (doesn’t change the fact a positive reaction could end the relationship in extreme cases).

I’m not sure what you mean by that. My point was that he (BF) misinterpreted her (GF) “news” re the “work-guy’s come-on”, and she misinterpreted his (BF) reaction to her “news”.

But then,… I wasn’t there,… so what the heck do I know…!!

A girl is a mistress of herself and especially so if she isn’t married to you yet (then you acquire some right to chase off others).

Very very true…! We really don’t disagree on this issue. I was just using the “hyperbolic curmudgeon” channel to tell her to chill out and simply talk, with love, with her BF and come to a real understanding.

Mahalo ke Akua…!
E pili mau na pomaikai ia oe. Aloha nui.

 

[Keikiolu]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keikiolu forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_cad/viewpost.gif
…chick…drop the idiocy, little girl…

Wow - now that’s impressive. :dts:

As if she would even consider a word of anything someone had to say when addressed in such a manner.

Sheesh. Some folk’s kids.

~Liza

You might check the calibration of your “sarcasm” detector.

I chose that “style” to get a “wow” reaction, and give her the opportunity to see how silly her “vent” really was.

I don’t mind her “venting”, and she, in kind, shouldn’t mind my “venting”.

Mahalo ke Akua…!
E pili mau na pomaikai ia oe. Aloha nui.

 

[JLSacred]

Your supervisor is being a little inappropriate here. He should back off. Your boyfriend is totally out of line, and you need to strongly question his character, based on his response to the information you gave him. He sounds controlling, and unreasonably jealous.

I think you should be thankful for this incident, which brought out some disturbing behavior on the part of your boyfriend into the light of day. You need to pay attention to it!

 

[bekahlou]

Thanks ya’ll for all of the responses.

 

[vluvski]

You might check the calibration of your “sarcasm” detector.

For what it’s worth, I think your first post actually had some worthwhile observations if it didn’t come across so condescending and cruel.

Sarcasm is a tough genre on a text forum, even with smilies. Sarcasm and deadpan are my two favorite forms of humor, but I pretty much have to abandon it on here to avoid a misunderstanding.

 

[JLSacred]

For what it’s worth, I think your first post actually had some worthwhile observations if it didn’t come across so condescending and cruel.

Sarcasm is a tough genre on a text forum, even with smilies. Sarcasm and deadpan are my two favorite forms of humor, but I pretty much have to abandon it on here to avoid a misunderstanding.

Sarcasm, to be effective, requires a strong use of inflection to make sure the hearers understand what you are saying. Even so, even in real life it sometimes doesn’t go over well. The eye rolling smilie can help communicate sarcasm…

 

[Rebecca_New]

It was not appropriate for your boss to tell you that you are beautiful. I probably have made dumb comments before like that and I try not to, but I am a clutz sometimes. If I see someone is down, or needs a lift, I will try to find something truthful but positive about them and state it. Now I say a prayer for that person and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me.

 

[Keikiolu]

For what it’s worth, I think your first post actually had some worthwhile observations if it didn’t come across so condescending and cruel.

Sarcasm is a tough genre on a text forum, even with smilies. Sarcasm and deadpan are my two favorite forms of humor, but I pretty much have to abandon it on here to avoid a misunderstanding.

Well,… thanks for the positive remarks.

Yes,… sarcasm is hard,… but so is granite.

What does granite have to do with anything?

Not very much at all, but if you’re interested in why I would mention it, or whether my tone of “grumpy fuddy-duddy” was for real or to get a “reaction”, you’d be wiser to ask me about it than making an assumption that doesn’t answer the question at hand.

Thanks for playing…

Mahalo ke Akua…!
E pili mau na pomaikai ia oe. Aloha nui.

 

[chevalier]

mariam1976:

however, it should not elicit a response that “your girlfriend has not conducted herself properly which is the reason why she got that compliment!!!”

Absolutely! My heart of a lawyer bleeds at the very idea!

I do think some girls can narrate everything…(me included!!!)

Guys too sometimes, but not everything is equally expedient to narrate and one example of that would be that I doubt it would be expedient or charitable to narrate to my hypothetical girlfriend heaps of attention received from ladies on a day. Even if done, not even charity but simple decency would require a lot of reassurement that she’s the only one. Similarly, I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell a boyfriend, “you should see how all those guys looked at me,” or some such. The good achieved by the tale (don’t know… fuller sharing of a day’s worth of events?) does not overweigh the potential damage done. Again, I’m speaking in abstract and there’s no concrete link to what the OP said to her boyfriend or how he reacted.

i agree with chevalier about how i did hate it when my x-husband would call all his friends (who were girls) pet names, even the one whom he had just met who was my friend… ( he decided he was going to name her… arrrrggghhhh ) and would go on and on about these friends of his…

See my point? Actually, I’m one of those guys who use pet names with female friends, but that’s almost exclusively name diminutions (I can’t think of any English pet names which wouldn’t be diminutions that I would use (no “honeys” or “sweeties”, even if they seem to be socially acceptable in some regions, although there are some Polish ones I used when I was a couple of years younger). Some more PDA than with male friends, as well, but one hugs the sister more than the brother and all, not? Now, going on and on is a totally different thing. It’s a bit like the difference between hugging (even excessive) and groping. It may not always be technically big, but it’s there and it’s material. I don’t think a “taken” girl should dwell too much on moves made on her by other men - that is, they are a fact of life, sure, but they shouldn’t be celebrated. If I sensed it were vanity, I would probably get over it fast, but if it looked a bit as if I were in a relationship a bit more often than I had thought, I could become a bit sad. It is my impression that if a girl is celebrating come-ons and passes by other guys than her own, she probably has some discernment to do and she might actually be in the middle of discovering her feminity or something like that. This means her taste in men could change and the boyfriend’s position is not very secure.

To dissect a bit, though, let’s say I have a girlfriend and she has a friend John. I see John tell my girlfriend, “you look nice.” No bells ring. But let’s say I’m not there and then she says, “John liked my dress.” Most likely no bells either. But, “John said he liked my dress,” or “John said I looked great,” stuff like that, I would begin to wonder why that kind of appreciation from John mattered, whether I were receiving a hint, or whether perhaps I weren’t being treated as a friend rather than boyfriend. Similarly, I wouldn’t feel the need to share with my girlfriend if my imaginary friend Sarah called me handsome. What would she be expected to say? “Oh yes, darling, I’m glad she did?” If I felt the need to tell my girlfriend that, I would wonder if it weren’t a hidden desire on my part to get a jealous reaction or simply some attention. Heck, even if she said, “John has a crush on me,” I would probably say, “Poor guy,” and if she were cruel or derisive with him, I’d probably leave her. But if she narrated to me some compliments, I would really wonder whence the need to quote them.

As an off-topic note, a bit, I believe if negative events of that kind are narrated, they should be commented on negatively as well. “He said I had great legs,” “Yep, you do.” “He said I had a nice bum,” reported in a neutral voice would be very bad in my book, however. Note that, “beautiful” is milder than any of these two.

 

[chevalier]

Keikiolu:

You like my “crumpy old guy” persona…? You’re a true connoisseur of subtle humor, and goofy “parables”.

Merci, merci. :tiphat:

I absolutely agree that violence is uncalled for, and I was being “metaphorical” about the posterior-kicking thing, but “stong emotion” does not equal “violence”.

Sorry! I wasn’t convinced about actual violence, but read it as some kind of, “I’d love to kick his ***,” feeling. I get those feelings if the acts are creepy (spewing some venom of sneaky ulteriorly motivated compliments to a girl who has a boyfriend counts as creepy). But ultimately, I believe a calm voice should be preserved and perhaps even no talking. I generally prefer to leave such matters to the lady herself if possible, although if I knew from experience she didn’t like that kind of thing, I might start to react on her behalf - regardless if it were a girlfriend or a friend, or stranger. My “calm suggestions” don’t normally need to carry a threat, hehe.

That is more than wise of you. No one should be “hitting on” anyone, by the way.

Ah, right, I forgot the sexual connotation it may carry. Sorry. “Making passes on,” would that work better? I’m really unnerved by men making moves on women who are “taken” or even accompanied (unless it’s clear it’s a brother or something). It’s just rude. It’s not like the woman is property, of course, but the fact she isn’t doesn’t make it less rude. If a guy confessed love to my hypothetical girlfriend, I wouldn’t hold it against him, but making passes would be tacky. I believe asking an accompanied stranger to dance already crosses the line (no problem if it’s a friend, though) and the woman asked should politely refuse (she isn’t property, but she isn’t a shop window item on sale, either).

I’m not sure what you mean by that. My point was that he (BF) misinterpreted her (GF) “news” re the “work-guy’s come-on”, and she misinterpreted his (BF) reaction to her “news”.

Basically, I was theorising again and got carried off a bit. As for the OP’s reaction to her boyfriend’s overreaction, I think it might also have been an overreaction. Basically, the guy started worrying without need and wasn’t able to handle it, but then the OP (please do feel addressed directly, Bekahlou, not talking behind your back here) overreacted to that as well - a bit the same as the boyfriend had only just done. I think the two reactions might have actually been very similar to each other.

Very very true…! We really don’t disagree on this issue. I was just using the “hyperbolic curmudgeon” channel to tell her to chill out and simply talk, with love, with her BF and come to a real understanding.

Hehe, all right. I think I was using the not-incaffeinated-enough channel.

 

[Keikiolu]

…{sni}…

Hehe, all right. I think I was using the not-incaffeinated-enough channel.

Welcome to K-Eye-eye-eye…!!

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Mahalo ke Akua…!
E pili mau na pomaikai ia oe. Aloha nui.