Can my parents take away a scholarship opportunity?

[Bill_7154]

I am 17 and will be going to college next year. I have very strict parents who have already decided what Catholic univeristy I will attend. No ifs, ands, or buts.

I just received early admission at a well-known, but non-Catholic univeristy. My parents are proud that I received it, but have made it clear that I will not attend this university.

I have applied for a scholarship to this Univeristy and have passed through the initial stages. They now want to conduct a phone interview. My understanding is that this means I am pretty far through the selection process. FYI my GPA is nearly perfect, and my SAT scores are all in the 740-770 range.

My parents have no problem with my going through the selection process, but have made it clear that if I receive a scholarship award that I will not accept it.

The scholarship is entirely merit-based. Family income is not a factor.

Here is my question. If I receive a scholarship, I do not need my parents financial assistance for a college education. But my parents intend to prevent me from using any possible scholarship awards so that I will no choice but to attend the college of their choice. Can they actually do this?

Please no lectures on why I should attend a Catholic Univeristy. I hear it every day and am tired of it. There is a world out there, and I want out of the cage.

Consult the (or a) school, but I believe once your 18 you control your own life. They can consequence you if your dependent on them in some way but if not you can do as you wish.

When I was 18 in high school I started signing my own late slips. They gave me a form telling me I needed my parents signature to approve me doing this. I signed my name then signed my name again where a parent was supposed to sign and passed it in. Never heard a word about it after that and kept signing my own notes. You become your own legal guardian when your 18.

 

[Brad17]

Consult the (or a) school, but I believe once your 18 you control your own life. They can consequence you if your dependent on them in some way but if not you can do as you wish.

When I was 18 in high school I started signing my own late slips. They gave me a form telling me I needed my parents signature to approve me doing this. I signed my name then signed my name again where a parent was supposed to sign and passed it in. Never heard a word about it after that and kept signing my own notes. You become your own legal guardian when your 18.

I won’t have this opportunity - I turn 18 next July, after school ends. It would be nice to sign my own notes to school. I’m sick today, and I had to get permission from both my parents to stay home. That meant having BOTH parents act like doctors and make sure I wasn’t pulling off some sort of scam to stay home (as if I really want to stay here and listen to my Mother berate me for being sick all day). I am freaking tired of being treated like a five year old.

 

[The_Bucket]

I won’t have this opportunity - I turn 18 next July, after school ends. It would be nice to sign my own notes to school. I’m sick today, and I had to get permission from both my parents to stay home. That meant having BOTH parents act like doctors and make sure I wasn’t pulling off some sort of scam to stay home (as if I really want to stay here and listen to my Mother berate me for being sick all day). I am freaking tired of being treated like a five year old.

I hope you’ve availed yourself of some of the excellent advice in this thread and at least starting getting some of it in motion.

 

[EasterJoy]

I won’t have this opportunity - I turn 18 next July, after school ends. It would be nice to sign my own notes to school. I’m sick today, and I had to get permission from both my parents to stay home. That meant having BOTH parents act like doctors and make sure I wasn’t pulling off some sort of scam to stay home (as if I really want to stay here and listen to my Mother berate me for being sick all day). I am freaking tired of being treated like a five year old.

Actually, it is easier to tell when a 5 year old is playing sick than a 17 year old, and it matters more when a 17 year old misses school. Frankly, those 17 year olds who do lie to their parents (and you know they are not rare) have usually gotten a lot better at it than when they were five.

What is going to be very difficult to remember is to choose your battles with your parents. Rome was not built in a day. Defiance of their wishes will be much more effective if it is rare, well-chosen, and is delivered with a calm that is beyond most people of your years. It is extremely difficult to maintain calm in the face of the frustrations you’re describing, particularly when you get a head of steam by having your frustrations validated by other adults. The goal, however, is not to let your parents know how much they frustrate you. The goal is to let your parents know that you are trustworthy and sensible. From where you stand now, remember (as you well know) that this will mean avoiding putting *their *hackles up when you can. It will be especially helpful in getting your mother’s backing if you conduct yourself in a way that doesn’t provoke your dad.

It wouldn’t be wrong to voice your frustration to your parents, but as the Steven Covey saying goes, “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.” Your main thing is to win them over to the impression that you are unusually sensible for your age.

 

[Brad17]

One thing I really appreciate about the responses I have had in this thread is that my situation with my parents is not unique. Of course that makes sense, but it really helps to have someone say it. It makes me feel less…it’s hard to put into words…different.

 

[The_Bucket]

One thing I really appreciate about the responses I have had in this thread is that my situation with my parents is not unique. Of course that makes sense, but it really helps to have someone say it. It makes me feel less…it’s hard to put into words…different.

You get that you’re not alone in your struggle. None of us in any of our struggles are alone. Not only to we have God watching over us and making His love available, we also have one another. No man is an island.

 

[EasterJoy]

One thing I really appreciate about the responses I have had in this thread is that my situation with my parents is not unique. Of course that makes sense, but it really helps to have someone say it. It makes me feel less…it’s hard to put into words…different.

Oh, heavens no, you are not different, and your parents are not awful. They are just protective in the way that people are when they don’t trust the judgment of others. They’re also, if they are like most parents, somewhere between very concerned and petrified that you will join the ranks of educated ex-Catholics and non-practicing Catholics. I would not be at all surprised, by the way, if your grandparents were either very much like your dad or else at the opposite extreme. Being treated as you are being treated was far more the norm back before WWII, after all.

That’s why I posted the “Fiddler on the Roof” lyrics. That movie is all about traditional parents being forced to concede that the traditional roles are vanishing. They were petrified that their family’s fidelity to God and community was going to vanish right along with it. It was not rare for those fears to be realized. So as you go through this, take care to find a way that is in keeping with the truths your parents have taught you, even as you take the responsibility of following that way onto your own shoulders. If your parents fears are realized, they will be grief-stricken, but you will be the ultimate loser.

The eldest children usually get the worst of this, BTW. Provided that you go out and do fine (which you probably will), your parents will have a harder time resisting the arguments of siblings who point out that the family has raised its children to live well on a longer leash. You might be called in to commiserate as they go through exactly what you are going through, but don’t feel to put out if your younger siblings don’t have half the trouble you are having later on down the line. That is the norm, too, particularly when the oldest does great.

 

[LSK]

Here’s the real crux of the problem… I am simply not going to back down on the scholarhsip matter - this is my future, not theirs.

I hope you plan on practicing The Faith while you attend the college of your choice. I did not. I fell away from the Faith for almost 20 years. I have been back for 20. I now see that if I had shown the proper character and back bone at age 17 that I had been TAUGHT by Holy Mother Church my life would have been smoother and happier. Yes, it would have also been holier but from a purely selfish point of view, it would have been smoother and happier.

I am so sorry you cannot talk to your parents. Can you talk to your priest or any other spiritual director?

 

[EasterJoy]

I just checked the materials from the school, and you are right. Without my parents signature, I cannot accept the scholarship if awarded. I cannot believe I didn’t notice this before now.

Well that ends the matter. If everyone will excuse me, I am going to go cry for awhile and then resolve myself to face the reality that my future is what my parents choose for me.

Do not give up so fast. Call the school of your choice, explain your predicament, and ask if it might be possible to defer such a scholarship for a year, if your parents won’t agree this year. If they know how badly you want to be a student at their college, they might be willing to work with you, particularly considering that you are outstanding enough to merit such a scholarship.

Whatever happens, do not let your frustration and grief overwhelm you. If you give in to them too much when you are disappointed, you will miss many opportunities to rise above what life throws at you. If you learn to expect set-backs and master the passions that rise up when you are thwarted, you’ll be in a much better position to use the power of your passionate response to help you find a way to succeed in the end.

IOW, I’m not simply saying “don’t cry”. I’m saying don’t let the temptation to cry become a handicap to pursuit of your goals. Keep your eye on the ball, and do not dwell on set-backs, that is all I mean. When something makes you want to cry, maybe some tears will fall, OK, but be quick to set your jaw, believe in yourself, and consider your next move. Work on using those strong emotions to propel you.

This is why you could really use a discrete adult mentor. It is not realistic to expect an old head on young shoulders, even when the head on the shoulders is the head of a very smart young man!

 

[Sarcelle]

I won’t have this opportunity - I turn 18 next July, after school ends. It would be nice to sign my own notes to school. I’m sick today, and I had to get permission from both my parents to stay home. That meant having BOTH parents act like doctors and make sure I wasn’t pulling off some sort of scam to stay home (as if I really want to stay here and listen to my Mother berate me for being sick all day). I am freaking tired of being treated like a five year old.

If you had failing grades, I can understand.

But from your previous posts, you are a good student. I have a hard time understanding this.

 

[SerraSemper]

I hesitated to post a response, but I think I will add my two cents to the conversation.

First of all, I have personally known plenty of people who have had it a lot rougher to go to college. With a scholarship, you are far ahead of most people who don’t have one (that is, if you get it). Take it easy, one step at a time. First get the offer. Then worry about it. You may be stressing out a little too early about a scholarship you may or may not get.

Second, depending on the college, it is not always easy to transfer or go one year to one and then all of a sudden hop over to the one of your dreams. You really need to talk to the college of your dreams and tell them your situation. Believe me, there are PLENTY of parents who are adamantly opposed to their children going to any given college and it is absolutely nothing new. That’s why you need to talk with your college NOW. Open communication is a sign of maturity and obviously if they are working with you as a potential scholarship recipient, they think you are a pretty decent potential student. For that reason, I suspect they will try very hard to work with you in this situation. Talk to them. In the academic experience of myself and my friends and acquaintances, the biggest thing has always been communication. Again, colleges have heard it all. In fact, one of my classmates at my undergrad ended up beingg formally estranged from her parents because they refused to consent and she was too old and too young to do it any other way, but by being formally (on paper) estranged, she was able to get the financial aid and stuff done without the consent of her parents who were extremely angry at her choice of college. She was estranged, but it needed to be documented somehow and like I said, the financial aid office really helped her navigate the process. That’s an extreme example. You should be open and honest with your dream school, telling them that you are absolutely determined to go there but you have this obstacle and ask them what to do about it. They don’t want to do the legwork only to find out that you’re really not serious about going there, so you do need to tell them where you stand. Again, open communication with the School is absolutely essential.

1. Church law more or less provides for emancipation… but is often guided by civil law in that area. Instead of pursuing a formal trial for canonical emancipation, you might ask your bishop to have a preliminary meeting with you and then a chat with your parents to help your parents relinquish their control over you in this area. You can be creative. Maybe draw up an agreement to be signed in front of the bishop-- like you will continue to go to Sunday Mass, etc. while in college. If your parents are simply concerned that you will lose your faith and you have this meeting with the Bishop, he will call their bluff if they don’t agree to such an arrangement. Remember, he is responsible for your soul as well as your parents and if he as your spiritual shepherd thinks it is okay for you to go to your dream college with this agreement, I don’t think your parents would have a leg to stand on. Although you are only 17, you do have the right to exert your rights in the church. In this case, you’d be avoiding a trial, and you should ask for that meeting with your bishop if you believe your bishop’s words have any weight with your parents. Of course, it’s a two edged sword. If your parents have a serious reason that is not faith-related or morals related that they have not shared with you but will share with the bishop, that would be a good place to get it “out” and discussed.

Edit- I bring up canonical emancipation because parents do not have the right to determine a person’s vocation and college can be part of one’s vocational discernment process. You had asked whether you have the obligation to obey your parents in the whole college thing, and emancipation would be the way to go if you can’t do it any other way. Rather than doing a legal process (civil) and church (canonical), it is better to get a person of authority like the bishop to help you and your parents reach some kind of understanding.

 

[gh4]

One thing I really appreciate about the responses I have had in this thread is that my situation with my parents is not unique. Of course that makes sense, but it really helps to have someone say it. It makes me feel less…it’s hard to put into words…different.

My mother sounds like she was your mother’s older sister!
I chopped at the cast iron umbilical cord for 45 years, until my Mom got Alzheimer’s and forgot she was trying to control my life.

I turned 18 in October of my senior year. I moved out of my parents house the day I turned 18. My parents big “lecture” to keep me home was “if you move out you won’t have any heath insurance,” not a word about them missing me or loving me or anything such as that.
Anyhow the moment I moved out, any and all financial help ended.
I got a job, got my high school diploma and went to college. I worked full time and went to school full time. I got married, then had a baby and continued to work and go to school. I finally finished college, hated my career choice, so I went back to college and became a nurse. I continued to work and by then had 2 children. My husband died and I worked full time, went to school full time and raised my boys.
It wasn’t easy at all. I bought a house and paid off my college loans. I was tired a LOT. I worked a LOT, but did make pretty good money.

I have to tell you this. If I had it to do all over again and knew what I know now, I would NEVER EVER move out of my parents house. I would let them pay for my education and I would have married later and had my children later. It would have been a whole lot easier, and my life would have been a whole lot different.

I’m asking you to really think about letting your parents pay your way to college. Go where they want, when you get your BA, then you can go where ever you want for your masters. Out in the real world, for the most part, it doesn’t really matter where you went to school, it matters that you do well in school and that you learn a lot and become the best college graduate that you can be.
I wish you all the very best.

 

[SerraSemper]

My mother sounds like she was your mother’s older sister!
I chopped at the cast iron umbilical cord for 45 years, until my Mom got Alzheimer’s and forgot she was trying to control my life.

I turned 18 in October of my senior year. I moved out of my parents house the day I turned 18. My parents big “lecture” to keep me home was “if you move out you won’t have any heath insurance,” not a word about them missing me or loving me or anything such as that.
Anyhow the moment I moved out, any and all financial help ended.
I got a job, got my high school diploma and went to college. I worked full time and went to school full time. I got married, then had a baby and continued to work and go to school. I finally finished college, hated my career choice, so I went back to college and became a nurse. I continued to work and by then had 2 children. My husband died and I worked full time, went to school full time and raised my boys.
It wasn’t easy at all. I bought a house and paid off my college loans. I was tired a LOT. I worked a LOT, but did make pretty good money.

I have to tell you this. If I had it to do all over again and knew what I know now, I would NEVER EVER move out of my parents house. I would let them pay for my education and I would have married later and had my children later. It would have been a whole lot easier, and my life would have been a whole lot different.

I’m asking you to really think about letting your parents pay your way to college. Go where they want, when you get your BA, then you can go where ever you want for your masters. Out in the real world, for the most part, it doesn’t really matter where you went to school, it matters that you do well in school and that you learn a lot and become the best college graduate that you can be.
I wish you all the very best.

While I could be mistaken, the OP would only have to worry about this scenario IF he doesn’t get the scholarship. Otherwise he indicated in his initial post that it will take care of him financially for college. Sometimes it does matter where one gets a BA or BS- particularly if that is the highest level desired - since networking opportunities are not to be sneezed at at the higher echelon universities. The OP is applying for one of the best in the country and that does mean connections. Connections can mean the difference between a job and no job after graduation. I am a student in a semi prestigious university in Roma (everything is overshadowed by “The Greg” which I refuse to attend) and in my real life world outside of Rome I have seen first hand what being at Harvard, Princeton, Duke, and other places does for its students. The OP is presumably talking about an Ivy leager, and I have seen students get very good jobs because of their good networks. Even if you graduate first in podunk college, you won’t always get the fantastic networks you would in an Ivy League university. Again, my two cents. I personally wouldn’t advise going into much debt to go to an Ivy League university if I was 18 and didn’t have a lucrative field I was studying for, but that’s just me.

 

[monicatholic]

Families don’t “chat” about canonical emancipation. And a bishop wouldn’t touch this unless Brad was in danger-- or being held prisoner or exploited in some wsy.

Brad, emancipation means your parents don’t buy your books, pay your airfare home, foot the bill for your car insurance or anything else.

Emancipation means you’re free of their interference AND intervention after having burned a most significant bridge-- relationship with your parents.

 

[SerraSemper]

Families don’t “chat” about canonical emancipation. And a bishop wouldn’t touch this unless Brad was in danger-- or being held prisoner or exploited in some wsy.

Brad, emancipation means your parents don’t buy your books, pay your airfare home, foot the bill for your car insurance or anything else.

Emancipation means you’re free of their interference AND intervention after having burned a most significant bridge-- relationship with your parents.

Excuse me? I don’t know what your background is… but I do know for sure that college is a very serious decision and that it should be an adult decision (if he’s old enough to go to college, he’s old enough to be an adult).

The very first thing I advised was an honest talk with his dream college. He absolutely needs to know what his true options are. Will it be open for him if he postpones a year? Are there other options he hasn’t considered that they are aware of? They in turn need to know he is serious about wanting to attend so that they can justify working with him. Otherwise, he is just leading them on. If the solutions they as a college propose don’t work out for whatever reason, (like maybe he would have to re qualify for scholarship), then it might be time to tackle the parent situation. From the sound of it, his father is inflexible. I have met his type, and if he is as controlling as the OP is saying, I doubt there is any chance of changing his mind from bottom up. But, a top down might be helpful. Hence the bishop.

An informal friendly chat with the bishop is in lieu of a formal trial to be freed from the obligation of obedience in that particular respect (or all) from one’s parents. I outlined a way in which the parents can be satisfied (written agreement) and in which a successor of the Apostles can weigh in on the likelihood of Jr’s losing his soul in X university. I am not advocating civil/canonical emancipation here since it takes more than the OP probably wants to do, I am saying though with regard to specifically the college decision he can ask his shepherd to discuss this with him and his parents. It is almost an important decision as a vocational choice and that we are all forbidden (parents especially) to force anyone into any vocation.

I don’t know what the OP is thinking should he not get the scholarship. But if he does, he already is working part time which means that he does have work experience. So theoretically he could buy the plane ticket or movie ticket that his scholarship may not fund. He has already stated that with the scholarship all financial needs would be met so presumably he would have some extra spending money built into it.

 

[monicatholic]

Excuse you what? My reply needs no clarification.

 

[SerraSemper]

Excuse you what? My reply needs no clarification.

Perhaps not in your eyes. You were implying that I was advocating emancipation and I was not even though I mentioned it as a possibility.

 

[EasterJoy]

While I could be mistaken, the OP would only have to worry about this scenario IF he doesn’t get the scholarship. Otherwise he indicated in his initial post that it will take care of him financially for college. Sometimes it does matter where one gets a BA or BS- particularly if that is the highest level desired - since networking opportunities are not to be sneezed at at the higher echelon universities. The OP is applying for one of the best in the country and that does mean connections. Connections can mean the difference between a job and no job after graduation. I am a student in a semi prestigious university in Roma (everything is overshadowed by “The Greg” which I refuse to attend) and in my real life world outside of Rome I have seen first hand what being at Harvard, Princeton, Duke, and other places does for its students. The OP is presumably talking about an Ivy leager, and I have seen students get very good jobs because of their good networks. Even if you graduate first in podunk college, you won’t always get the fantastic networks you would in an Ivy League university. Again, my two cents. I personally wouldn’t advise going into much debt to go to an Ivy League university if I was 18 and didn’t have a lucrative field I was studying for, but that’s just me.

It is VERY important to look at the financial package for the entire four years. Legion are the undergraduates who had very good packages in their first year, but nothing of the kind after that. There are many people who do not have any kind of career or financial freedom, because of the devil’s compacts they made in order to get their “dream diploma”. Going deeply into debt is no way to embark upon one’s future, particularly not when the same goals could have been pursued somewhere else with far less debt.

 

[HouseArrest]

Excuse me? I don’t know what your background is… but I do know for sure that college is a very serious decision and that it should be an adult decision (if he’s old enough to go to college, he’s old enough to be an adult).

The very first thing I advised was an honest talk with his dream college. He absolutely needs to know what his true options are. Will it be open for him if he postpones a year? Are there other options he hasn’t considered that they are aware of? They in turn need to know he is serious about wanting to attend so that they can justify working with him. Otherwise, he is just leading them on. If the solutions they as a college propose don’t work out for whatever reason, (like maybe he would have to re qualify for scholarship), then it might be time to tackle the parent situation. From the sound of it, his father is inflexible. I have met his type, and if he is as controlling as the OP is saying, I doubt there is any chance of changing his mind from bottom up. But, a top down might be helpful. Hence the bishop.

An informal friendly chat with the bishop is in lieu of a formal trial to be freed from the obligation of obedience in that particular respect (or all) from one’s parents. I outlined a way in which the parents can be satisfied (written agreement) and in which a successor of the Apostles can weigh in on the likelihood of Jr’s losing his soul in X university. I am not advocating civil/canonical emancipation here since it takes more than the OP probably wants to do, I am saying though with regard to specifically the college decision he can ask his shepherd to discuss this with him and his parents. It is almost an important decision as a vocational choice and that we are all forbidden (parents especially) to force anyone into any vocation.

I don’t know what the OP is thinking should he not get the scholarship. But if he does, he already is working part time which means that he does have work experience. So theoretically he could buy the plane ticket or movie ticket that his scholarship may not fund. He has already stated that with the scholarship all financial needs would be met so presumably he would have some extra spending money built into it.

I cannot imagine how an 18 year old college freshman, who is going to school full time, can possibly support himself completely. I don’t believe a part time job would suffice. He would be responsible for rent, food, clothing, books, insurance, travel, possibly a vehicle and gas, and medical costs, not only for the school year but for four full years.

I also cannot imagine that any school would be worth losing a relationship with parents, even if they seem bull headed.

 

[The_Bucket]

I cannot imagine how an 18 year old college freshman, who is going to school full time, can possibly support himself completely. I don’t believe a part time job would suffice. He would be responsible for rent, food, clothing, books, insurance, travel, possibly a vehicle and gas, and medical costs, not only for the school year but for four full years.

I also cannot imagine that any school would be worth losing a relationship with parents, even if they seem bull headed.

He doesn’t have an actual relationship with his parents. At least not one where he’s anywhere remotely close to an adult. He’s basically a four-year old to them.