Can my parents take away a scholarship opportunity?

[Brad17]

I am 17 and will be going to college next year. I have very strict parents who have already decided what Catholic univeristy I will attend. No ifs, ands, or buts.

I just received early admission at a well-known, but non-Catholic univeristy. My parents are proud that I received it, but have made it clear that I will not attend this university.

I have applied for a scholarship to this Univeristy and have passed through the initial stages. They now want to conduct a phone interview. My understanding is that this means I am pretty far through the selection process. FYI my GPA is nearly perfect, and my SAT scores are all in the 740-770 range.

My parents have no problem with my going through the selection process, but have made it clear that if I receive a scholarship award that I will not accept it.

The scholarship is entirely merit-based. Family income is not a factor.

Here is my question. If I receive a scholarship, I do not need my parents financial assistance for a college education. But my parents intend to prevent me from using any possible scholarship awards so that I will no choice but to attend the college of their choice. Can they actually do this?

Please no lectures on why I should attend a Catholic Univeristy. I hear it every day and am tired of it. There is a world out there, and I want out of the cage.

 

[PaulinVA]

Well, first of all early decision applications usually have a stipulation that if you are accepted, you will go there, and you will withdraw all applications to other schools.

You said “early admission” so I’m not sure that what your situation is - this is the time for early decisions to be sent out.

So, you might not have a choice, although I don’t know what other colleges would do if you reneged on an early decision admission from the first college.

I don’t know the answer to your more serious question - can you go against your parents wishes. There’s a lot going on here, isn’t there?

 

[The_Bucket]

Here is my question. If I receive a scholarship, I do not need my parents financial assistance for a college education. But my parents intend to prevent me from using any possible scholarship awards so that I will no choice but to attend the college of their choice. Can they actually do this?

No. The school is offering you the scholarship, not them.

However your parents have every right not to help you move into your dorms, offer you plane tickets home for the holidays or even let you into their home during breaks at all. If you make the call that “I’m an adult and I can do as I please” then you should be prepared for potential extreme measures taken on their part.

I understand that even good Catholics don’t necessarily want to go to a Catholic college, especially if they can get into very prestigious or specialized universities that will help their careers. No judgment there. I didn’t go to a Catholic school. Two of my sisters also attended secular schools. My parents forced a younger brother to go to a Catholic university and I think that was dead wrong of them. I also think they had the right to do that. If he wanted to finance his own way through a secular school, he had the right to do that too.

So look, I think it’s probably a good time for an adult conversation with your parents. If going to this great school is worth potentially blowing up your relationship with them, then you have every right to do it. You are indeed about to be an adult and there’s a difference between honoring your father and mother and being their obedient servant as an adult. But adult choices bring adult consequences.

 

[Brad17]

The question is not just “Can I go against my parents wishes?”. The question is also “Can my parents take away something I have earned against my will, even if it is a scholarship that will be used after I turn 18?”

 

[PaulinVA]

The question is not just “Can I go against my parents wishes?”. The question is also “Can my parents take away something I have earned against my will, even if it is a scholarship that will be used after I turn 18?”

Well, as the bucket said, are you willing to cut ties to your family if that’s what it comes to?

For what it’s worth, I have children your age and I know that parents are at times difficult to comprehend and very frustrating. But, so are you teens, so we are even.

You really need to talk to them.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Here is my question. If I receive a scholarship, I do not need my parents financial assistance for a college education. But my parents intend to prevent me from using any possible scholarship awards so that I will no choice but to attend the college of their choice. Can they actually do this?

Can your parents act in ways that would prevent you from accepting this scholarship? Of course they can. They can intercept your snail mail, hack your email account, impersonate you on the telephone and electronically. There are any number of ways your parents could stop you from accepting this money.

The better question is should they. And to that I say no, they should not. If they choose to undermine the goals you’ve set for your adult self, if they are willing to manipulate you or your situation so that you feel as if you have no choice but to attend the college of their choice, what does that say about their character?

If you find that your parents are acting in underhanded ways in this matter, I think you should confide in a trusted, real-life adult such as a teacher, counselor, pastor for advice and assistance. You also may start thinking about an exit strategy for after you turn 18. The more distance you put between them and you after you’re an adult, the less they’re going to be able to manipulate you.

 

[Brad17]

Well, as the bucket said, are you willing to cut ties to your family if that’s what it comes to?

For what it’s worth, I have children your age and I know that parents are at times difficult to comprehend and very frustrating. But, so are you teens, so we are even.

You really need to talk to them.

Here’s the real crux of the problem. I am certain that “talking to them” will destroy my relationship with my parents. I wish this wasn’t the case, but I don’t see any other possible outcome.

I am a good son. I don’t get into trouble, study hard, get good grades, and have a part-time job. However my parents demand absolute obedience, and for some time now it has been really draining me (and its always due to small things, such as whether I made my bed in the morning). However I am simply not going to back down on the scholarhsip matter - this is my future, not theirs.

 

[silicasandra]

Here’s the real crux of the problem. I am certain that “talking to them” will destroy my relationship with my parents. I wish this wasn’t the case, but I don’t see any other possible outcome.

I am a good son. I don’t get into trouble, study hard, get good grades, and have a part-time job. However my parents demand absolute obedience, and for some time now it has been really draining me (and its always due to small things, such as whether I made my bed in the morning). However I am simply not going to back down on the scholarhsip matter - this is my future, not theirs.

Hi Brad. I think some posters, especially those who are parents of teenagers or adult children, will come at this from their perspective of parenting their own children. I haven’t parented teenagers yet (still have 11+ years to go), but I can remember thinking my parents were being really unreasonable about some things that actually weren’t that unreasonable in hindsight. I’m not saying that’s your situation, but some posters may have that attitude so if they do, please don’t think they think less of you or that your situation isn’t somehow serious. They just have a different perspective as parents.

Based on what you’ve written, if your parents are truly authoritarian and will not listen to you, then…they may try and take away your scholarship opportunity. Can they legally speaking? I don’t think so. Should they, morally speaking? Probably not.

Here are some good concerns I could see your parents having:

1. That the school will lead you away from the faith (or them)
2. That the scholarship is for a program or career path that does not have good job prospects
3. That you may lose the scholarship if you can’t keep your grades up

I think good parents looking out for their child’s best interest would be naturally worried about these things. If you can address these concerns and if they would listen (and I would at least try so you know you’ve made your share of the effort), you could try some of the following: Maybe get in touch with the Newman Association on campus, or the Catholic chaplain (or priest at a local parish) so they know you’ve got good contacts as soon as you arrive on campus. Or get in touch with the departments of a major you are considering and ask them for information on job placements - or even better, bring it up in your interviews and see what your interviewer has to say about it. Find out what resources are available as far as tutoring. Show your parents that you’ve done your homework.

When you say that it will “destroy” your relationship with your parents, what do you mean by this? Do you mean that they will be angry with you and you will be punished merely for presenting your case for attending the school if you are awarded the scholarship? Will you be kicked out of your home? Or will they be angry that you (apparently) don’t care about their (name removed by moderator)ut?

 

[MaryT777]

No. The school is offering you the scholarship, not them.

However your parents have every right not to help you move into your dorms, offer you plane tickets home for the holidays or even let you into their home during breaks at all. If you make the call that “I’m an adult and I can do as I please” then you should be prepared for potential extreme measures taken on their part.

I understand that even good Catholics don’t necessarily want to go to a Catholic college, especially if they can get into very prestigious or specialized universities that will help their careers. No judgment there. I didn’t go to a Catholic school. Two of my sisters also attended secular schools. My parents forced a younger brother to go to a Catholic university and I think that was dead wrong of them. I also think they had the right to do that. If he wanted to finance his own way through a secular school, he had the right to do that too.

So look, I think it’s probably a good time for an adult conversation with your parents. If going to this great school is worth potentially blowing up your relationship with them, then you have every right to do it. You are indeed about to be an adult and there’s a difference between honoring your father and mother and being their obedient servant as an adult. But adult choices bring adult consequences.

Very well stated post. Great thoughts.
Mary.

 

[Corki]

Here’s the real crux of the problem. I am certain that “talking to them” will destroy my relationship with my parents. I wish this wasn’t the case, but I don’t see any other possible outcome.

I am a good son. I don’t get into trouble, study hard, get good grades, and have a part-time job. However my parents demand absolute obedience, and for some time now it has been really draining me (and its always due to small things, such as whether I made my bed in the morning). However I am simply not going to back down on the scholarhsip matter - this is my future, not theirs.

You are going to have to talk to them eventually.

The question to ask yourself (not us) is whether this college is so great that it is worth destroying (your words) your relationship with your parents.

I AM one of those parents of teens and have a child going through the application process now. The question that comes up is what is the actual objection that your parents have to this particular university? With the stats you have listed, there is likely another college that would answer thier objections and keep everyone happy. Is it a matter of Catholic vs. secular? Lots of great Catholic colleges offer excellent merit packages - my own son got a 2/3 ride at a leading Catholic college and his credentials aren’t anywhere near as strong as yours. Is it distance, size, etc.? Each of these objections can be met with rational alternatives.

You are creating a false dichotomy by setting up your #1 choice against your parents #1 choice. The discussion should not be about which of those two but whether there is another school that meets both of your needs. Remember that even a “full ride” scholarship doesn’t mean that college is free. Are you ready to pay for the other expenses if you draw this line in the sand?

As for the “can”, it depends on **when **you turn 18. Most schools require a parent to sign any binding agreement made prior to your 18th birthday. This includes things like the dorm application and insurance forms.

 

[twopekinguys]

Can your parents act in ways that would prevent you from accepting this scholarship? Of course they can. They can intercept your snail mail, hack your email account, impersonate you on the telephone and electronically. There are any number of ways your parents could stop you from accepting this money.

The better question is should they. And to that I say no, they should not. If they choose to undermine the goals you’ve set for your adult self, if they are willing to manipulate you or your situation so that you feel as if you have no choice but to attend the college of their choice, what does that say about their character?

If you find that your parents are acting in underhanded ways in this matter, I think you should confide in a trusted, real-life adult such as a teacher, counselor, pastor for advice and assistance. You also may start thinking about an exit strategy for after you turn 18. The more distance you put between them and you after you’re an adult, the less they’re going to be able to manipulate you.

Personally, I think most of your advice is offensive.

The only good thing you said (IMHO) was to seek the advice of a pastor, etc.

Telling someone that you don’t know, only have a partial one sided depiction of an event to distance themselves from their parent is ridiculous and offensive.

 

[twopekinguys]

I am 17 and will be going to college next year. I have very strict parents who have already decided what Catholic univeristy I will attend. No ifs, ands, or buts.

I just received early admission at a well-known, but non-Catholic univeristy. My parents are proud that I received it, but have made it clear that I will not attend this university.

I have applied for a scholarship to this Univeristy and have passed through the initial stages. They now want to conduct a phone interview. My understanding is that this means I am pretty far through the selection process. FYI my GPA is nearly perfect, and my SAT scores are all in the 740-770 range.

My parents have no problem with my going through the selection process, but have made it clear that if I receive a scholarship award that I will not accept it.

The scholarship is entirely merit-based. Family income is not a factor.

Here is my question. If I receive a scholarship, I do not need my parents financial assistance for a college education. But my parents intend to prevent me from using any possible scholarship awards so that I will no choice but to attend the college of their choice. Can they actually do this?

Please no lectures on why I should attend a Catholic Univeristy. I hear it every day and am tired of it. There is a world out there, and I want out of the cage.

A couple of things you haven’t mentioned.

1. Have they given you a reason for wanting you to go to a Catholic College/University?
2. Has the one you are interviewing with ever taken an anti-Catholic, ant-Religious, or anti_Christian stance on issues?

 

[thewanderer]

Personally, I think most of your advice is offensive.

The only good thing you said (IMHO) was to seek the advice of a pastor, etc.

Telling someone that you don’t know, only have a partial one sided depiction of an event to distance themselves from their parent is ridiculous and offensive.

Luna was careful to qualify that with an if. Honestly, I agree with her, if his parents are willing to use underhanded means to manipulate his future then it looks as though it will end up, regrettably, being necessary to distance himself from them. Is this the case? None of us here can know, it is just something to be aware of.

 

[Brad17]

You are going to have to talk to them eventually.

The question to ask yourself (not us) is whether this college is so great that it is worth destroying (your words) your relationship with your parents.

I AM one of those parents of teens and have a child going through the application process now. The question that comes up is what is the actual objection that your parents have to this particular university? With the stats you have listed, there is likely another college that would answer thier objections and keep everyone happy. Is it a matter of Catholic vs. secular? Lots of great Catholic colleges offer excellent merit packages - my own son got a 2/3 ride at a leading Catholic college and his credentials aren’t anywhere near as strong as yours. Is it distance, size, etc.? Each of these objections can be met with rational alternatives.

You are creating a false dichotomy by setting up your #1 choice against your parents #1 choice. The discussion should not be about which of those two but whether there is another school that meets both of your needs. Remember that even a “full ride” scholarship doesn’t mean that college is free. Are you ready to pay for the other expenses if you draw this line in the sand?

As for the “can”, it depends on **when **you turn 18. Most schools require a parent to sign any binding agreement made prior to your 18th birthday. This includes things like the dorm application and insurance forms.

I just checked the materials from the school, and you are right. Without my parents signature, I cannot accept the scholarship if awarded. I cannot believe I didn’t notice this before now.

Well that ends the matter. If everyone will excuse me, I am going to go cry for awhile and then resolve myself to face the reality that my future is what my parents choose for me.

 

[twopekinguys]

Luna was careful to qualify that with an if. Honestly, I agree with her, if his parents are willing to use underhanded means to manipulate his future then it looks as though it will end up, regrettably, being necessary to distance himself from them. Is this the case? None of us here can know, it is just something to be aware of.

We will have to agree to disagree here on the advice.

We don’t know that the parents are being underhanded at all, and we cannot presume that.

We have a 17 yr old, on the internet giving one side of the story. Obviously with key factors missing. That is why I asked the questions I have.

But to jump the gun and start saying the poster should be prepared to distance themselves from their parents is irresponsible at best.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Personally, I think most of your advice is offensive.

The only good thing you said (IMHO) was to seek the advice of a pastor, etc.

Telling someone that you don’t know, only have a partial one sided depiction of an event to distance themselves from their parent is ridiculous and offensive.

The way I read the OP’s post was he was asking if his parents can act in ways that prevent him from accepting a scholarship. Yes, they can. The bigger issue is should they? IMO, no they should not.

If the OP truly thinks his parents are willing to actively undermining his choice of college, he should at least think about how to mediate that. And again, that’s only if he has good reason to believe he’s being unfairly manipulated.

Of course none of us has the entire story. That’s why I suggested he talk with someone in real life, someone who knows him and his situation. The OP is, of course, completely free to reject everything I say outright. Such is the beauty of online forums.

In the end, though, I was willing to offer some advice, however paltry or misguided, based on my worldview and experiences, to the OP. I at least tried to bring something more to the thread than a beratement of another poster.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

There are several thousand schools in the US. Surely you and your parents can compromise on a different list of schools that you would both be happy with.

My daughter is in college right now. We talked over her list of choices from the time there were about 10 schools on the list until she narrowed it down to 4. Have you and your parents talked over all your potential choices?

You obviously applied to more than one school and you say your parents are proud that you’ve been accepted at this school. I also recommend that you investigate the Campus Ministry, Newman Center, FOCUS, or local parish at your school of choice. By showing your parents that you are also concerned about your faith, you will help them feel more comfortable with your choice.

I also strongly recommend that you speak to your parents before you go through the scholarship interview process. The school can and may ask to speak with them also. Even tough this is a merit scholarship, there are other expenses involved than tuition, and they may need to sign documents or supply financial information.

You may also want to speak to the priest at your parish or youth program director about school choices. Your priest in particular may be able to assage your parents’ concern about secular schooling.

 

[silicasandra]

I just checked the materials from the school, and you are right. Without my parents signature, I cannot accept the scholarship if awarded. I cannot believe I didn’t notice this before now.

Well that ends the matter. If everyone will excuse me, I am going to go cry for awhile and then resolve myself to face the reality that my future is what my parents choose for me.

This may not be the end of it. Even if your parents will not relent, there may be other avenues for you. Perhaps you can defer admittance. Perhaps you can contact someone at the school and explain your situation.

And perhaps speaking with your parents remains a possibility. Have you consulted other adults that you know and trust, and who know your parents, on what to do?

 

[SamH]

Can
If you find that your parents are acting in underhanded ways in this matter, I think you should confide in a trusted, real-life adult such as a teacher, counselor, pastor for advice and assistance. You also may start thinking about an exit strategy for after you turn 18. The more distance you put between them and you after you’re an adult, the less they’re going to be able to manipulate you.

Underhanded? It would seem they are quite open about their wishes. Some of your advice does appear underhanded though. Why should the OP not be open about their desire to act as an adult?

If a parent has done their job an adult should want to leave home and exercise their independence.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I just checked the materials from the school, and you are right. Without my parents signature, I cannot accept the scholarship if awarded. I cannot believe I didn’t notice this before now.

Well that ends the matter. If everyone will excuse me, I am going to go cry for awhile and then resolve myself to face the reality that my future is what my parents choose for me.

I am sorry to hear that this scholarship may not be possible right now. However, that doesn’t mean you have absolutely no options.

1. You may find the Catholic college to be an excellent place to receive a 4-year education.
2. You can transfer to another school after your first year - either this school or another. There are scholarships for transfer students as well.
3. You can figure out the best way to fast-track through school in under 4 years and then go on to graduate school at a place of your choice if that is part of your plan.

I know you are hugely disappointed right now. I don’t blame you. But tomorrow try talking to a guidance counselor at school and your priest or youth leader to start planning other options.