Can my parents take away a scholarship opportunity?

[silicasandra]

Not trying to hijack but can I adopt you in a few years to chat with my oldest when he’s ready for college?? :yup:

Funny you should say that …one of my previous jobs involved a lot of admissions counseling! (And I loved that part of my job, so…sure! )

 

[bstorm]

This is a reply to “Cat”. I can’t include her post and my response together - the result is too long for the response to be accepted.

My parents are very well off financially. I don’t know the numbers - it’s none of my business. It is my understanding that paying for my college education is not a problem for them. I am not unappreciative of how lucky I am to have parents who are this financially successful, but let me ask you something. At what point do they no longer have the right to dictate my decisions? Obviously you think they can dictate my choice of college. Can they choose my major? Can they choose all my classes? Can they choose who I date? Who I marry? What job I accept after I graduate? How many kids I have and when I can have them? When I can retire? Draw me a line here, and be specific.

I appreciate what you are saying about extracurricular activities (although I think your statement about being credited in the New England Journal of Medicine is a bit much), and I do have them. I also realize that it is very possible that I will not receive any schlolarship awards. But I do have a chance - my understanding is that only about 2% of the applicants for the scholarship I am competing for are granted a phone interview.

You don’t think a scholarship board will be impressed by me because I have the outright audicity to question my parents decisions for my future? I should just be a good little wimp and accept everything my parents dictate without question? What if my parents wanted me to become an abortion doctor? What if they wanted me to break the law? What if they demand I choose a major that clearly does not match my skills and interests?

This country needs leaders, not those who blindly follow. I can defend my choices, and if given the opportunity I will be more than happy to explain them.

Simply because I disagree with my parents does not make me immature. This is a truth many people in the Church seem to have trouble understanding. If I were 10 years old, then yes I should just shut up and obey them. I am 17, not 10. I have this wild and crazy idea that responsibities should be gradually be given to teenagers so that they can learn to accept them and grow up to be a responsible adult.

Brad,

You have a difficult problem, there is no question about it. But the truth is, we just do not have enough information to advise you well. Your best bet is to find a trusted adult that knows both you and your parents who can help you navigate this situation delicately.

There are a few points I would like to bring up for you o think about. First, in this economic situation your goal should be to get the degree in a way that will leave you and your parents with the least amount of debt possible. You do not know how easy or difficult it will be to find a job in your chosen area after you graduate and you might be stuck with debt accumulated from when in school for an extremely long time. It can impact your life in ways you cannot even imagine right now. At this point it looks like your choices are (assuming there is no way you and your parents will agree on a school): (1) obtain a full ride scholarship for a school of your choice. Make sure it not only covers your tuition but also your living expenses. (2) Pay for your own education via a combination of scholarships, loans, and your own work. (3) Accept financial help from your parents. Obviously, if you do accept the financial help from your parents, you will have to respect their choices about how they want to spend their money - that part is quite straightforward. Be aware of what your choices are and how far you want to go in paying for your own education before you decide what you want to do.

Second, you do not have to go to a top ten ranked school to get the top rate education. What is more important than the quality of the school is the quality of the student. You are a good student, you will get good education no matter where you will go. Under ideal circumstances, you would go to the best ranked school you can, but that is not always possible. As for the scholarship, as other people pointed out there are ways for you to accept it without your parent’s consent.

Third, yes, you are close to being an adult and will have the legal power to make your own decisions. Just realize that with great power comes a great responsibility. You might have to live with the consequences of your decisions for a very long time. Is there really no adult in your life you can talk to who can help you navigate this situation? Your grandparents, uncles, aunts you are close with, or a priest in your parish? You are mature for your age, maybe you are even smarter than your parents. But you do lack a perspective that really only comes with age.

Finally, get some sleep. My mother always used to say “the morning is wiser than the night”. Often, things look worse than they really are at night. I think that ultimately, both you and your parents want what is best for you, you just disagree about what it is. Gather all the information you can and try to talk to your parents when all of you are calm. Good luck!

 

[The_Bucket]

bstorm is bringing the heat in the form of strong advice. Brad, you’d be wise to heed it.

 

[Litcrit]

I don’t know many people who truly regretted standing up to overly controlling parents upon reaching adulthood, even if it meant later having to learn from their mistakes.

I know people who died regretting never standing up to theirs.

You honor your parents by living your life truly well - with honesty, authenticity, and integrity. If this offends your parents and causes them to never speak to you again, it’s really not your fault.

Research your options well. Take it one step at a time - don’t give up until you have exhausted your options. See first if you actually get offered a scholarship and don’t worry about the signature prior to that - focus on the interview instead.

Pray, pray, pray. For guidance, for your parents, for God’s will to be done. That tends to work.

I wish you all the best and hope your dream can still happen for you.

 

[maryjk]

Sigh, you sound exactly like some of my parent’s friends. My parents can do no wrong. I should just be thankful and obey them. They have my best interests at heart, and when I group up I will understand.

I am 17 years old. If I still need to have every decision in my life dictated by my parents, then may I suggest that they have seriously failed to raise me properly.

As a parent of a 17 year old son, I have to agree. At this point, I have given him the tools to make most decisions. Yes, we still talk through them and I still give my opinion, but if I have to dictate everything in his life, I haven’t done a very good job raising him.

That is really the point of parenthood, you spend many years working yourself out of a job. Or at least that is what you try to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

…This country needs leaders, not those who blindly follow. I can defend my choices, and if given the opportunity I will be more than happy to explain them.

Simply because I disagree with my parents does not make me immature. This is a truth many people in the Church seem to have trouble understanding. If I were 10 years old, then yes I should just shut up and obey them. I am 17, not 10. I have this wild and crazy idea that responsibities should be gradually be given to teenagers so that they can learn to accept them and grow up to be a responsible adult.

No, no, no. We don’t mean that you have to blindly follow your parents. We mean that it is immature to see this as an “either-or” situation where you either mutely do what you’re told or else just seize your independence and tell them to jump off and go to the college of your choice. No, you need to take a deep breath and accept that this problem is going to take some time and patience to solve in the best way possible. It is going to take some maturity to choose the best way possible, to untangle the knot instead of just hacking through it.

Mature people who have an impasse between where they feel their future needs to go and where the authority figure in their life wants them to go (or where the people they have authority over want to go) will start with the premise that there is a way to handle the situation peacefully and will seek out counsel about how to navigate the problem if it is outside their experience. As the saying goes in management circles, they look for a “Win-Win” solution, rather than a solution where one party wins and the other loses. Why do they do this? Because in the long run it works the best to both reach your goals and preserve relationships, rather than to choose one over the other or to bounce between choosing one or the other.

You are talking as if this is a simple choice between what your parents want and what you want. You want to be a college man? Start acting like one! Be proactive about expanding your options! Talk with your college counselor. Talk with your pastor. Talk with your godparents. Talk with relatives your parents believe to be solid Catholics. Get some adults to help you see all the varied options you have and perhaps even to role play how to answer your parents’ objections.

As for losing sleep, do not forget to pray and to leave the results of all your work in the hands of God. When you wake up, pray the rosary, asking not for an outcome but for the serenity to accept whatever comes, until you go back to sleep. If even the angels know you ought to be sleeping instead of worrying, it ought not take long!

*Unless the LORD build the house,
they labor in vain who build.
Unless the LORD guard the city,
in vain does the guard keep watch.

It is vain for you to rise early
and put off your rest at night,
To eat bread earned by hard toil—
all this God gives to his beloved in sleep.*
Psalm 127:1-2

Your parents are used to simply telling you what to do, and they are used to overriding a simple “NO! I want to do what I want to do!” Parents are usually later than their children when it comes to accepting the child’s entry into adulthood. You will serve yourself best if you work this through by taking a different path than your past power struggles with them. Don’t make this into a power struggle. Make it into a joint decision-making process in which you accept that there are no fewer than three people involved in this decision. That is the ticket, because that is also going to establish you with your parents as a young man who knows his own mind but who is also sensible and mature about how he goes about getting what he wants.

 

[Litcrit]

No, no, no. We don’t mean that you have to blindly follow your parents. We mean that it is immature to see this as an “either-or” situation where you either mutely do what you’re told or else just seize your independence and tell them to jump off and go to the college of your choice. No, you need to take a deep breath and accept that this problem is going to take some time and patience to solve in the best way possible. It is going to take some maturity to choose the best way possible, to untangle the knot instead of just hacking through it.

This is sound advice in many cases. There are some parents, though, who will never mature out of an “either-or” mentality and who live by “my way or the highway”.

There are some parents who have decided never to see their very adult children (married, employed, out of the house, financially independent) again over tiny “disobediences.” Not coming for Christmas? Going to ILs instead? Moving for work? Not willing to hand over my grandchildren for the weekend because you feel they’re too young?

We really don’t know the situation and if the OP’s parents are just overly concerned, but ultimately reasonable people, or if they are irrational control freaks who won’t even have a conversation with their son about his own future life.

Prayer is always excellent advice. God is one parent that we can be sure really wants the best for us but will never force us or trap us.

 

[SMHW]

Brad, others have given you all kinds of wise advice and things to consider.

I do have one piece of information to give you which I hope will offer a bit of hope. I don’t currently have the source. I will have to ask my husband and if he can provide it I will post it. It turns out that it is not so much your attendance at a prestigious college/university that is an indicator of future success in life as that it is that your acceptance at a prestigious college is a good indication of future success --even if you do not go on to actually attend that particular college.

(The exception to this rule is if you are pursuing a career such as politics where your college network of friends will be the most probable source of future jobs and or funding.)

My point is that the mere fact that you were accepted to the college of your choice is a good indicator that you can succeed at any college and in your future life.​

Oh, and I fully understand your desire to be “out of the cage”. Just remember that freedom and security are perpendicular axes on the graph of your life. But neither one means anything if you don’t stay Catholic on the faith-axis.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My parents are very well off financially. I don’t know the numbers - it’s none of my business. It is my understanding that paying for my college education is not a problem for them. I am not unappreciative of how lucky I am to have parents who are this financially successful, but let me ask you something. At what point do they no longer have the right to dictate my decisions? Obviously you think they can dictate my choice of college. Can they choose my major? Can they choose all my classes? Can they choose who I date? Who I marry? What job I accept after I graduate? How many kids I have and when I can have them? When I can retire? Draw me a line here, and be specific.

My husband and I have saved over the years, and our sons are both in state universities. We are paying their “full ride” scholarship. Ha ha. But we are not determining their majors, nor would we have told them they couldn’t attend the school of their choice. In fact, the school our oldest attends is the rival school of my husband’s alma mater, which stung him a little bit. But he realized that the rival school is the right place for our son. He isn’t 100% a supporter of the school, but he did relinquish that decision to our son.

That son is now seeking a job, and of course we have tons of helpful advice for him. He doesn’t really want our advice. If we wanted to play hardball, we could tell him we will cut him off from our support unless he takes our advice and follows our dictates. But why? This is HIS life, and HIS decisions will shape HIS life. It’s not our life to live, as frustrating as that may be. He’s 21 and a man, even though we will probably always see him as our little 10-year-old child. This is the tightrope parents walk, when children grow up.

Unfortunately, not a few parents do hold money over their childrens’ heads. “Do as I say, or lose your support/inheritance.” I am not sure that is what your parents are doing, but you are right to ask that question. The answer is, “It never ends.” Some parents try to control their children from beyond the grave.

 

[NSFrame]

I went to one of the “top 10” type universities that we are discussing and it definitely opened doors in my life that I would never have had access to from an academically solid but not as well-branded university. So, OP, I understand where you are coming from.

I would imagine that your parents’ biggest concern would be the secular environment, academically and socially, which you would find yourself in. They are completely correct about that. My suggestion is to research the Catholic community on campus and see if there is a way that your parents would agree to meet up with the campus ministry priest (there is likely to be one), visit the chapel, find out about the Catholic student activities, etc. Show them that you are intent on maintaining your faith while a student there. If there is a priest, he can discuss how Catholic life is possible on campus. Your parents may put some stock in this.

Something that’s really important these days is to maintain a Catholic presence at these prestigious institutions so that there is some academic diversity around moral issues. We don’t want them taken over by atheistic philosophies - more so than they already have been, that is.

 

[Joe_5859]

You’ve received some great advice so far, which I strongly urge you to reflect upon and carefully consider (special shout out to Easter Joy…she’s always right on target). Going to college is a big step. There is no reason to make rash decisions or start saying and doing things you can’t take back.

I also want to put in a plug for looking into the Newman Center. I really re-discovered my Catholic faith at a secular big name school because of the solid Newman Center.

Just an FYI, in case you don’t know, but pretty much every big secular school has a Newman Center named for Blessed Cardinal John Henry Newman. These centers strive to be a Catholic presence in an otherwise secular place.

If the Newman Center at the school you wish to attend is strong, then that might go a long way towards alleviating your parents’ concerns about your faith being lost.

You might also think of other creative ways to put your parents at ease. Tell them you want the book Disorientation: How to Go to College Without Losing Your Mind for Christmas and that you will read through lots of apologetics books to be prepared. Be proactive.

This disagreement is difficult and finding a solution everyone is happy with might not be easy, but this doesn’t have to be a bloody battle for independence. Bring these things to prayer and really reflect on what you can do on your end.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

One more thing, Brad17. I’m sure you already understand this, but your parents sure must not have a lot of confidence in their own ability to pass on a solid faith…If they really believe that at the first opportunity, you will ditch the Church and run toward a worldly outlook…It doesn’t speak very well of them, that they would constrict your life out of their own fear.

At some point, we parents have to let go of your hands, and trust that whatever we did, we did, and that you have to own it for yourself and not just because we say so. Even when it comes to being a Catholic.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is sound advice in many cases. There are some parents, though, who will never mature out of an “either-or” mentality and who live by “my way or the highway”.

There are some parents who have decided never to see their very adult children (married, employed, out of the house, financially independent) again over tiny “disobediences.” Not coming for Christmas? Going to ILs instead? Moving for work? Not willing to hand over my grandchildren for the weekend because you feel they’re too young?

We really don’t know the situation and if the OP’s parents are just overly concerned, but ultimately reasonable people, or if they are irrational control freaks who won’t even have a conversation with their son about his own future life.

Prayer is always excellent advice. God is one parent that we can be sure really wants the best for us but will never force us or trap us.

Yes, that kind of parent does exist, and it is fair to point out that the middle way takes cooperation from both sides of the divide. There is no guarantee that all the imagination and patience in the world will solve his problem. Certainly there is no reason to believe that letting himself be bulldozed on his choice of college is going to improve his prospects for being taken as adult later in life.

Still, the OP has not done the work to demonstrate that he has the kind of parents you refer to, particularly since he is not yet 18. He has not done the work to draw his boundaries in a way that has the best chance of forging a healthy adult-child-to-parent relationship that respects both his parents’ experience and his own duty to make the choices that only he will have to live with himself.

If he does not have older siblings who have done the “demonstration work” for him, then he owes it to himself to show that a middle ground simply was not there. But yes, if he has older brothers and sisters whose experience shows that it is Dad and Mom’s way or the highway, then the only question is when he’s going to find an on-ramp leading out to the interstate. That’s not to say he couldn’t have a try at doing better himself, but that would make it fair for him to conclude he’d be tilting at windmills by trying to find an option his parents would be happy with other than the one they themselves proposed. That is a fair point.

 

[EasterJoy]

Two other things occurred to me:

1. It may actually be that he cannot accept a scholarship offer without his parents’ consent until he turns 18.
2. His parents’ concerns seem to be largely fear-based. Usually fears are best addressed by validating them and speaking to them, rather than minimizing them. As he goes through this, IOW, he needs to demonstrate how he plans to cement his contact with the Church when he goes off to college. He needs to point out that attending a Catholic college is not a guaranteed inoculation against losing one’s faith, either. If he doesn’t recognize the concern his parents have for his eternal soul and his grasp on the truth as an important priority, his parents are not going to come around. The perils of falling away from the sacraments and the life of the Church will not be trumped by any other gain he might propose.

 

[dixieagle]

I am 17 years old. If I still need to have every decision in my life dictated by my parents, then may I suggest that they have seriously failed to raise me properly.

This is really the crux of the matter. Clearly, you realize the truth of this but your parents are having trouble with it.

 

[Brad17]

One more thing, Brad17. I’m sure you already understand this, but your parents sure must not have a lot of confidence in their own ability to pass on a solid faith…If they really believe that at the first opportunity, you will ditch the Church and run toward a worldly outlook…It doesn’t speak very well of them, that they would constrict your life out of their own fear.

At some point, we parents have to let go of your hands, and trust that whatever we did, we did, and that you have to own it for yourself and not just because we say so. Even when it comes to being a Catholic.

I am fairly certain that my parents fear is not due to anything I have done personally. However in the past 10 years, my parents have had siblings and close friends leave the faith. This has really put them on edge in regards to their children.

 

[Brad17]

I don’t know many people who truly regretted standing up to overly controlling parents upon reaching adulthood, even if it meant later having to learn from their mistakes.

I know people who died regretting never standing up to theirs.

You honor your parents by living your life truly well - with honesty, authenticity, and integrity. If this offends your parents and causes them to never speak to you again, it’s really not your fault.

Research your options well. Take it one step at a time - don’t give up until you have exhausted your options. See first if you actually get offered a scholarship and don’t worry about the signature prior to that - focus on the interview instead.

Pray, pray, pray. For guidance, for your parents, for God’s will to be done. That tends to work.

I wish you all the best and hope your dream can still happen for you.

I haven’t done a good job of showing it in my posts, but I am trying to find a way out of this situation without causing significant grief to my parents. I would like the choice of a college to be a team effort with them, but this is not their way. So finding a solution that causes neither myself nor my parents major grief is quite a challenge.

Several people have commented that I need to discuss the matter with a trusted adult. I argee. The problem is that once I do that, there is little question in my mind that the trusted adult will bring the issue to my parents. And then the fireworks begin.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Several people have commented that I need to discuss the matter with a trusted adult. I argee. The problem is that once I do that, there is little question in my mind that the trusted adult will bring the issue to my parents. And then the fireworks begin.

If you frame your query something along the lines of, “I need advice on how to approach my mom and dad about ___ because ___” and that person in turn contacts your parents, that individual is not someone you can trust. That said, if you think there is no one in your world in whom you confide without word getting back to your folks, ask someone who can remain calm when others aren’t (priest, counselor, etc., etc.) to sit down to a three-way - you, your folks, them - about this college business. Adults are less likely to fly off the handle if there is another adult present who will call them on it.

Your anxiety is roiling off of your posts, Brad17. I think you need to get a decent night’s sleep and let this rest for a day or two.

Try not to catastrophize. People who are well rested are less likely to do that.

You really, really need to talk with an adult in your off-line life, someone who knows you well, if not about which college you attend and your scholarship, then just the fact that you feel pretty powerless about determining your own future. Or the fact that, from your perspective, you and your parents can’t have a discussion about important stuff without the fireworks. None of what you’re facing is unique to you. It just feels like it is because you’re dealing with it first-hand. If you talk with someone who works with teenagers and young adults, what you say won’t be something they haven’t heard before. A dozen times or more.

 

[Cat]

No, I don’t think a college board will be impressed with you because you challenge your parents. I think they would prefer to deal with a young person who not only thinks independently, but also loves and respects their parents. Parents, after all, mean “donations.” Your parents are wealthy, and the college wants to convince them to part with some of that wealth.

I get the impression that when anyone challenges you, you go into “drama” mode and talk hyperbolic sarcasm and run off to your room and cry. This is not convincing me (or your parents) that you are “mature.” Mature people do not have an “all or nothing” approach to life. They think things over, discuss, and make compromises. They accept it gracefully when things don’t go their way.

It’s difficult for all of us to say how “bad” your parents are. I agree, some parents never let go, and if that’s true in your case, then you would be well-advised to try to get out from under their thumbs as soon as you are of legal age. This means making your own way, without any of their money. That’s hard, especially if your parents have not trained you to be an adult.

Wild and crazy idea that responsibilities should be gradually given to teenagers? It’s not wild and crazy at all. It’s how my husband and I raised our daughters. They were doing their own laundry by the time they were 9 years old, and when they turned 13, I told them that I would no longer purchase clothing for them, other than underwear and the school gym outfits–they were responsible for earning money to buy their own clothes. So they both got busy and earned the money.

By the time they were 16 years old, they had jobs, cars, boyfriends, and a heavy course load of AP classes at their prep school. They were both at the top of their class. As if all that wasn’t enough, both were members of an elite synchronized skating team that earned the right many times to represent the United States overseas at various competitions, including the Junior Worlds. The girls got up at around 4:30 a.m. on their own, without me dragging them out of bed. They got ready on their own, made their own breakfast and lunch, and drove to the rink for the early morning practices.

They’re all grown up now (29 and 26), and they often thank us for raising them this way.

I’m sorry if your parents didn’t raise you this way. But in my opinion, that doesn’t excuse you from taking on the responsibilities of an adult at age 17. Do you have a job? Do you clean up after yourself, do your own laundry, make your own meals (unless Mom or Dad prefers to do the cooking)? Are you helpful around the house, and do you take on all the chores that you are capable of doing without being asked (e.g., mowing the lawn)? Can you do basic home repairs? Do you have a budget and do you have any money saved? Do you take responsibility for your own health by making your own doctor and dentist appointments? Do you go to Mass on your own, without any reminders?

You ask me at what point your parents can’t dictate your decisions. My answer is, “When you take on the full responsibilities of adulthood.” Nothing is stopping you from acting like a full-fledged adult right now.

Ideally you and your parents should be working together on this important aspect of your life. I’m curious to know exactly what “career path” they have decided upon for you, and what would you prefer to do? Would you feel comfortable sharing that?

I agree with a lot of others here that you should talk with another adult and try to get some rational, calm guidance. But you seem to have the idea that all other adults will betray you. If this is really the way you feel about adults that you know, why are you so willing to put yourself under the influence of adults that you don’t know (the college administrators and faculty)? Do you think that all the adults you know want to keep you a little boy forever, but all the OTHER adults in the world (except Cat) are wise and want the best for you?

I’m not asking these questions to be mean to you. I’m trying to make you think harder and not just “react,” but “act.”

 

[Chantal25]

Sigh, you sound exactly like some of my parent’s friends. My parents can do no wrong. I should just be thankful and obey them. They have my best interests at heart, and when I group up I will understand.

I am 17 years old. If I still need to have every decision in my life dictated by my parents, then may I suggest that they have seriously failed to raise me properly.

I pray for you to be at peace inside and to have guidance from Mother Mary and Jesus.

Hugs and love