Can My Wife Do This As Strict Catholic

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honestfather

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Can my wife (married 11years, known 34years) legally stop me from returning and living in my own house (my name and her name are on the deeds) over night (so far she has done)? She has tactically somehow brainwashed my eldest step daughter (aged 17, who I have fathered since she was 6) to say I have made inappropriate comments and advances. I have never done this. As such they have gone to the police and children’s services. There is no evidence of their accusations as they are completely untrue. The police have not yet contacted me since my wife’s 26th July meeting with them. By stating all this though my wife has managed to keep me away from my house for over a month and now my youngest daughter aged 8 is being stopped from seeing me unsupervised even though children’s services have said that they WILL NOT be taking any further action! How can my wife do this to her husband and father of her children? I believe this is a very shocking, cruel divorce tactic. My wife will not talk to me since the day I left. What can I do? My wife is a practising Catholic, should I go to the Father of the diocese? Any comments and help appreciated. For those that don’t know me I have been a good father and loyal husband, I have never done anything to risk my marriage.
 
Something about your post seems very off. If this is a lie that your daughter has told then it could be that your wife does not realize it is a lie but it seems that your focus is on punishment and not on reconciliation. This to me does seem off. If I were you I would look at family counseling even if done separately to see what type of behavior in the family could have caused such pain to bring someone to these types of accusations whether founded or unfounded.
 
honestfather said:
Can my wife (married 11years, known 34years) legally stop me from returning and living in my own house (my name and her name are on the deeds) over night (so far she has done)? She has tactically somehow brainwashed my eldest step daughter (aged 17, who I have fathered since she was 6) to say I have made inappropriate comments and advances. I have never done this. As such they have gone to the police and children’s services. There is no evidence of their accusations as they are completely untrue. The police have not yet contacted me since my wife’s 26th July meeting with them. By stating all this though my wife has managed to keep me away from my house for over a month and now my youngest daughter aged 8 is being stopped from seeing me unsupervised even though children’s services have said that they WILL NOT be taking any further action! How can my wife do this to her husband and father of her children? I believe this is a very shocking, cruel divorce tactic. My wife will not talk to me since the day I left. What can I do? My wife is a practising Catholic, should I go to the Father of the diocese? Any comments and help appreciated. For those that don’t know me I have been a good father and loyal husband, I have never done anything to risk my marriage.
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It seems to me that what you need is legal aid. If you don’t have a lawyer you could certainly seek a referral from the Catholic parish or from Catholic Charities. But I don’t know that going to the priest is the best choice unless you are looking for spiritual advice on how you personally should act.

Are you Catholic?
 
Thank you. I can see what you mean. Sadly text on a screen never gives the best context of a situation and I apologise if it comes across as if I am not after reconciliation - I am totally. I absolutely love my wife and my family and I have wanted to sit with a mediator since the beginning but she literally won’t talk to me and have involved solicitors. All of this is an issue that could have been solved with a long conversation with my step daughter my wife and me - but she just has shut me out of her life instantly. How can I move this forward for reconciliation, which was the point of my initial posting. Do I contact the local priest? Perhaps this forum cannot help after all 😦
 
My father is Catholic but because he divorced I was not allowed to be baptised by the Catholic church, therefore I was baptised as a protestant.
 
ok something is WAY OFF…the fact that your father was divorced would not in any way shape or form prevent you from being baptized as an infant into the Catholic Church.

I don’t know what country you are in or what the laws of that country are when it comes to accusations of child molestation. I am sorry if you have been falsely accused; however, it is appropriate for your visitation with your child to be supervised until all the accusations have been either proven or disproven.

A priest in a parish cannot force your wife to do anything. If you know her priest at the parish where she attends Mass, you might consider making an appointment with him and discussing the situation. He may have a good suggestion or two for you in terms of submitting yourself to God’s Will in this matter.

As to your initial question - I think it is moot…she HAS taken action to keep you from your home and has done so to protect the children. Your question should be, what kind of response should I make to her actions.

Get your own attorney.
 
have you contacted the police yourself, to ascertain the status of their investigation (if any)?

i can tell you, it is standard protocol for the police department to work to keep victims of child abuse away from their abusers while they conduct an investigation.

i am in no way accusing you of anything. i’m merely pointing out that the police may be playing a role in your wife’s refusal to have you home and around her daughter…

contact the police personally and determine whether or not there is even an active investigation…that will make things much more clear for you…
 
You should get a lawyer right away. If they are no longer investigating you, you should be able to seek visitation with your children. If your step-daughter made allegations about you, your wife was right to put you out whether they are true or not. However, if they have decided not to charge you and your wife is not willing to reconcile with you, you need to go to court and resolve your seperation. If you don’t participate, they’re going to hand you your rear end on a plate in court. You need a good lawyer.
 
honestfather said:
Thank you. I can see what you mean. Sadly text on a screen never gives the best context of a situation and I apologise if it comes across as if I am not after reconciliation - I am totally. I absolutely love my wife and my family and I have wanted to sit with a mediator since the beginning but she literally won’t talk to me and have involved solicitors. All of this is an issue that could have been solved with a long conversation with my step daughter my wife and me - but she just has shut me out of her life instantly. How can I move this forward for reconciliation, which was the point of my initial posting. Do I contact the local priest? Perhaps this forum cannot help after all 😦
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Talking to a priest in person is almost always going to yield better results than getting advice from us anonymous internet posters. That would be a good place to start. 👍

I will offer prayers for you and your family. It sounds like a rough situation.
 
I know this is a troubling and potentially dangerous situation,
and it is causing you a great deal of frustration and distress,
but if your wife genuinely believes that your step-daughter was approached in an inappropriate way, she would have a duty to keep the girls safe from you.
No good mother would permit a man around who may pose a threat.
Her daughter has come to her regarding this…misunderstanding or fact…and she is right not to take chances.

For a caring mother any serious threat to her children overshadows the fact of the man having previously been a good husband and father. The instinct, and responsibility, to protect ones children is paramount, as any mother here would assure you.

You however say you are innocent, which unfortunately is next to impossible to prove unless your step-daughter were to be able to say it was a misunderstanding or untrue.
You can’t put pressure on her to do so, which would go against you, as it would raise the level of fear and mistrust, and determine the action against you further.
It is a terrible situation for you especially if you are innocent. Trust is one of the casualties and can’t easily be restored.

Why do you presume that your wife is the villain. It’s certainly not kind to accuse your wife of brainwashing your daughter. This shows a harsh judgement against your wife.
It is her daughter who is making the claims.

Naturally you wouldn’t be considered the right negotiator as if you have in fact said and done anything that made the girl uncomfortable then your presence could be felt as a pressure.
You would need an independent and trusted negotiator.
You are indeed lucky that social services don’t intend to take this further. This may in fact be because your wife’s intention isn’t to be vindictive, only to protect her daughters. If that is the case you need to tread very carefully.

My prayer for you and the family that what is best for the family will be assured. May God help you all through this awful situation.
Don’t be offended if I say “if you are innocent” as that is one of the sad things about accusations of inappropriate behavior, even if it’s the accusation of an irritated teenager, child, or adult, it is not something others can assess,
but if you are innocent, may God grant that the truth will be made evident.
 
I’m not quite sure what to make of this. :confused: If you and your wife are divorcing, why would you want to stay there, especially if the children are making accusations against you that are very damaging? I’d suggest not fighting it at this point (think about it ~~ what is it going to be like if you are in that house?) Even if it’s your home, for now find somewhere else to go. Let it all be dealt with in the divorce settlement. You shouldn’t be fighting to stay somewhere that is negative and where you are unwanted. It’s just not worth it. :confused:
 
Without intending uncharity, the truth is that you need a good lawyer, not advice to be obtained on CAF. You may still be charged criminally, and you are, at minimum, going to be facing a legal separation, if not a divorce. The mere fact that the local childrens’ services aren’t, themselves, going to do anything does not mean you are off the hook at all.

You need to stop talking about this to anyone, and get a good lawyer.
 
Get a lawyer and a good one. One that knows how to handle trials, not an overpriced supermodel that can’t find the courthouse on his own.

Have you adopted her children? I shudder to think about a woman who makes her daughter lie about sexual advances from her father (not biological but still) having custody of that child.

And Catholics do awful things too. Some people just need an excuse. Others are sick.
 
OP, do you mean does canon law allow this? The answer is that a Catholic spouse is allowed under canon law to sever the common conjugal life within a valid marriage if there is a serious reason to do so. If it is required for a just division of assets in a situation of this kind, a civil divorce can be permissible.

Having said that, if your wife is a seriously practicing Catholic, contacting her pastor for counselling and advice wouldn’t be a bad way to go. You still need a lawyer, though, and a very good one. A priest can explain the duties of the Catholic in a case such as yours far better than I could.
LSK said:
ok something is WAY OFF…the fact that your father was divorced would not in any way shape or form prevent you from being baptized as an infant into the Catholic Church.

I don’t know what country you are in or what the laws of that country are when it comes to accusations of child molestation. I am sorry if you have been falsely accused; however, it is appropriate for your visitation with your child to be supervised until all the accusations have been either proven or disproven.
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I expect he means that his father was divorced before his father married his mother, so his parents didn’t marry in the Church, so their family practiced their faith at a Protestant church instead of in the Catholic Church. At any rate, if a Catholic parent does not approach the Church for baptism, the child won’t be baptised Catholic.
 
EasterJoy said:
OP, do you mean does canon law allow this? The answer is that a Catholic spouse is allowed under canon law to sever the common conjugal life within a valid marriage if there is a serious reason to do so.
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Actually, separation on one’s own authority is only really allowed in cases of imminent danger. Otherwise an ecclesiastic court ruling is needed. At least this is still the canon law.
 
chevalier said:
Actually, separation on one’s own authority is only really allowed in cases of imminent danger. Otherwise an ecclesiastic court ruling is needed. At least this is still the canon law.
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It is still canon law (1158, I believe), but it is my impression that, for all intents and purposes, the American church has totally abdicated its responsibility to render decisions on canonical separations. In my own Midwestern diocese (of over one million adherents to the the faith), I was told by both my pastor and the auxiliary bishop that, respectively, “…we don’t do that any more…” and that there is no penalty imposed on a spouse who severs conjugal living in violation of the Church’s teaching. Even in another archdiocese I contacted with a reputation for conservatism, I was advised that there they only render decisions only on requests to civilly divorce as opposed to requests for separation.

That being said, the OP has left out some important details, but from what has been proffered it is abundantly clear that he needs competent legal counsel immediately, especially in light of the allegations of child abuse. My prayers are with him.
 
chevalier said:
Actually, separation on one’s own authority is only really allowed in cases of imminent danger. Otherwise an ecclesiastic court ruling is needed. At least this is still the canon law.
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Yes, but imminent danger to one’s child counts.

Let us be practical: No one in the Church, confronted by a woman who says she believes her spouse to pose a danger to her offspring, is going to tell the woman that she had no authority to interrupt the common conjugal life. A pastor is not going to do that and there is no ecclesiastic court that is going to deny her that–not in this era, when the Church is being so criticized for having failed her children by naively leaving them in the path of a sexual predators who all claimed to their bishop’s faces that they posed no threat, some of whom had psychiatrists assure the bishop they posed no threat! They would not take that chance. They have to risk offense against someone wrongly accused in order to protect a potential underage victim. It isn’t even a close call.
 
hurting said:
That being said, the OP has left out some important details, but from what has been proffered it is abundantly clear that he needs competent legal counsel immediately, especially in light of the allegations of child abuse. My prayers are with him.
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Yes. He needs a lawyer, and he needs to wrack his brain for every relevant detail he can think of. These are very serious charges.
 
Can she? Well yeah, she did.

And unfortunately, people using their children by false claims of abuse is pretty common in divorces.

Are her actions moral, I don’t know. Without knowing all of you, your history, and each of your motivations (including the 17 yr old’s), what each of you believes is true, and what is actually true, I can’t say.

Advice-

Get a lawyer. A good one who has a proven record of success in court. Not just the first one somebody recommends.

Taking at face value what you have said, you’re stating your wife is willing to use her children and hurt them long term by intefering with and damaging their relationship with their father. Someone who will use kids in this way is a hazard and danger to them. If she’s willing to allow them to be hurt/hurt them to achieve her goals now, she will be willing to overlook them being hurt for other goals in the future. If this is true you and your lawyer need to fight for primary custody, in the house/environment in which they are comfortable.

Pray and do some soul searching and be honest with yourself. Get a netural adviser who may see things differently than you in how you acted/treated your wife. More insight about yourself is better and it may better help you undestand your wife’s actions. It is hard to admit one’s mistakes and I only have your brief statements to go by.
 
Trishie said:
Why do you presume that your wife is the villain. It’s certainly not kind to accuse your wife of brainwashing your daughter. This shows a harsh judgement against your wife. It is her daughter who is making the claims.
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This. You love your wife; why do you assume that she is brainwashing the children?
 
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