Is it possible that someone could drift too far from the shore and never make it back? I was born into a traditional Catholic family and faith was very much encouraged, until about middle school. Then we stopped going to church and started criticizing the faith, and anyone who still participated. I really don’t remember why and no one seems to to want to discuss it. As an adult, I considered vocation. I spent time in a contemplative convent. I obviously did not go that route, but think about it everyday. I’m 35 years old now and my heart is extremely hardened, and I feel as though I have embraced evil more often and with more enthusiasm than God. Everyday a little voice inside says “go back to church” - but I feel so hard, so mean, so jaded - like I’ve gone too far in my heart to turn back now. Is that possible that I am truly “too far gone”?
If you’re questioning your stance now, then the fact remains that you can recommit yourself to it if you “will”. But it’s up to you. And the longer you leave it, the harder it’s going to get.
I have a peculiar story to tell. I’ve often related on this forum that the night my own father died, he materialised in my bedroom, apologised for 20 years of deliberate cruelty, we argued and talked, and at the end he gave this absolutely terrifying while trying to ward something unseen off, and then just disappeared. I think he’s in hell. Incidentally I saw my Catholic psychiatrist today for our semi-annual chinwag, and he thinks I saw my father that night. The psychiatry is mainly a follow up from depression (for which my father was largely responsible).
I think my father’s in hell. The departing scream was one of absolute fear and terror. And that was 33 years ago.
However about five years before he died, I had this brief vision during a time of considerable stress and disappointment, in which “someone” said, “He’s (father) doomed! I’ve had enough of him! All he’s done all your life is humiliate (etc. etc.). And now when you need some encouragement, all he can do is make things even worse! And he’s only got about five years left to live! You’ll tell him this too! It would be better if you didn’t, since he’ll only get worse.”
Then the vision vanished.
A couple of days later we had another argument, and I blurted out the “vision”, telling him he only had five years to live. I didn’t really believe it myself, but oddly enough my father broke down. Then he snarled, “If I’m doomed, I’ll make sure I take you with me!” That was his attitude, a bit like the time when I got the equivalent of 8A’s for my Junior Exam, and his response was “I’ll make sure you don’t succeed! You’re not showing me up!”
Well that would have been around late 1973, as I’d just had a major disappointment. About a year later I moved to Perth for a few years. Anyway to cut a long story short, he died in January 1979, about five years later.
Which indicates to me two things - one is that our day of death is known, and we can go too far.
So don’t keep putting it off. Dont’ be like Pharaoh when confronted by Moses. For the first few plagues,
Pharaoh hardened his heart. At the last plague,
GOD hardened Pharaoh’s heart. He’d had his warnings, and it was too late. He was doomed.
I don’t think it’s too late for you. Far from it. But I wouldn’t keep pushing your luck either.
