Can one make a teenager have Confirmation?

[luvbp681]

My sister’s 16 year old goes to Catholic HS and plans on making her confirmation in the spring. She wants to ask my 19yo daughter who goes to college to be her sponser. I don’t think this was a wise choice because my daughter won’t be able to encourage her cousin much because of distance. (My sister asked about this and was told someone could stand in for her) Now I hear that my niece is not interested in anything to do with preparing for her Confirmation. No thoughts on service project, she doesn’t participate in mass and she has yet to ask my daughter to be her sponser. Is it still ok to make this sacrament when her heart is clearly not interested? I don’t know what to tell my sister what to do.

 

[Dan_Daly]

Your sister needs to have a serious talk (make that talks) with her daughter about the faith. If the daughter doesn’t want to be confirmed, I’d suggest the mother ask her to meet together with their priest.

You can’t force the faith on someone.

On the other hand, if the girl is living with her parents, they do have a lot of leverage on her. They should use that in PERSUADING her not FORCING her about the graces of the sacrament.

I hope that helps. It is a tough situation, but if the girl doesn’t want to be confirmed, I don’t think she should be confirmed. She needs to understand what it is that she is either accepting or rejecting though.

Pax and God bless.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

On the other hand, if the girl is living with her parents, they do have a lot of leverage on her. They should use that in PERSUADING her not FORCING her about the graces of the sacrament.

What’s the difference? There’s a fine line between persuasion and force if it’s a parent/child relationship. I would be concerned that the confirmation would not be taken of her own volition, wouldn’t you?

Under the same circumstances in a Muslim household, I would be inclined to get “confirmed” Muslim. Loss of parental love stings worse than anything…

 

[SYMPHONY1]

How can you really stop loving your child ? Gentle persuasion and time will work better.Rememer this is a teenager and better she does it willingly by herself

 

[Dan_Daly]

Perhaps my earlier comment was misunderstood. I’m certainly not advocating anyone “stop loving” their child.

It is important though the young woman’s parents try to help her understand how important this decision is. Willfully rejecting the Catholic Faith is what gets people to hell.

Now how does one go about helping the lady to understand without pushing her further away in reaction? Well that’s a tough one to answer, and the family immediately involved, especially her parents who are blessed by God with the grace to provide their daughter the proper religious instruction, will be the ones best able to answer that.

Pax and God bless.

 

[Irishmom2]

My son expressed his doubts about making his confirmation to the woman that was running the program. She told me that we could not make him go if he didn’t want to. Don’t know if she told him that, but he decided to stop going and is not yet confirmed.

It is easy for people to say if he is living in your house you make him go. The day my son got up before mass started one Sunday and walked out of church he said to me “What are you going to do? Physically drag me back in?” And you know, he was right. I could not force him into the car to go to mass every Sunday. And so, he hasn’t gone since.

Do I think it was the best thing that he not make his confirmation? Of course not. But sometimes, it really is out of our hands.

 

[1ke]

My sister’s 16 year old goes to Catholic HS and plans on making her confirmation in the spring. She wants to ask my 19yo daughter who goes to college to be her sponser. I don’t think this was a wise choice because my daughter won’t be able to encourage her cousin much because of distance.

I think that you should not discourage her choice of sponsor. Distance does not matter.

Is it still ok to make this sacrament when her heart is clearly not interested?

Yes. It is not her “heart being in it” that gives the grace of the Sacament. It is the Bishop.

People very often confuse Confirmation with some sort of choice to be Catholic. It is not. She is Catholic by virtue of her baptism. Confirmation confirms her baptism. It is the Bishop who does the confirming, not the person being confirmed. Every Catholic is obligated to receive Confirmation at the appointed time.

I don’t know what to tell my sister what to do.

I suggest having your niece continue with classes and having an open dialogue about her lack of preparation. Although ‘service hours’ and all that other stuff are NOT required for the sacrament. They are certainly ways to show the living out of the Catholic faith to model and encourage this behavior in our young adults. But, again, NOT part of the actual Sacrament. I don’t know that being apathetic about a service project is the same as not being interested in being confirmed.

 

[puzzleannie]

no you cannot force a teen or anyone else to accept any of the sacraments. The candidate has to ask for it, sincerely, after due preparation and with worthy disposition, which are judged by the bishop, the pastor and his delegates. Anyone over the age of reason is an adult for the purposes of sacraments of initiation and must make an informed choice, and be prepared to make an informed profession of faith, for this sacrament.

The choice of sponsor may be more or less prudent but does not affect the validity of a sacrament. An older teen or young adult who has been confirmed and provides a good model of Christian living could be a suitable choice if there is any relationship, even if divided by distance. If the sponsor is required to attend classes or retreats it is better to chose someone who lives closer. I think OP is right to be more concerned about the teen’s attitude toward the catechesis and sacramental preparation, and that is something the parents and baptismal godparents should be overseeing. yes they can insist she complete the program, but still must let her chose when it comes time for the sacrament.

But those adults have the moral duty to tell the child the entire truth about what it means to reject the call to confirmation when it comes from the bishop. If he calls all those in his diocese who have reached 8th grade for instance, those who refuse are refusing to accept his authority, which means they are choosing to reject the authority of the Church founded by Jesus Christ. If they simultaneously refuse to attend Mass they are rejecting Jesus Christ himself and his sacrifice on their behalf. This is serious and for those with full knowledge and intent also a mortal sin which severs them from relationship with Christ and from his grace. It is not a mortal sin to forgo confirmation because “I am not ready”. It is a mortal sin to reject the Faith actively.

 

[Meximo]

My sister’s 16 year old goes to Catholic HS and plans on making her confirmation in the spring. She wants to ask my 19yo daughter who goes to college to be her sponser. I don’t think this was a wise choice because my daughter won’t be able to encourage her cousin much because of distance. (My sister asked about this and was told someone could stand in for her) Now I hear that my niece is not interested in anything to do with preparing for her Confirmation. No thoughts on service project, she doesn’t participate in mass and she has yet to ask my daughter to be her sponser. Is it still ok to make this sacrament when her heart is clearly not interested? I don’t know what to tell my sister what to do.

Is your daughter a good influence on your niece? With the age of Facebook and Twitter, God is only a Post or Tweet away and your daughter can be an effective sponsor even if it is long distance. I teach 8th grade, Pre-Confirmation and Confirmation and every once in a while I will have a student that borderlines on being a agnostic. Your sister has to ask the right questions. It’s okay to doubt but you have to find the reason why there are doubts. You can’t force anything, but as parents we have a lot more power/leverage than we think or use. I will keep your sister and niece in prayer.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Perhaps my earlier comment was misunderstood. I’m certainly not advocating anyone “stop loving” their child.

No, I don’t think so, because I fundamentally agree with you. I think we’re just looking at it from different angles.

Approaching from this child’s perspective, my concern is that she gets confirmed falsely, as a way to appease her parent.

For one thing, that would put her in a situation where she is basically being encouraged to lie, and that is dreadfully wrong.

Plus, if the relationship between parent and child is any good, then the fact that she is resisting confirmation means that her doubts about the faith are serious. What child would want to displease a parent, supposing they are not on the outs? It may very well be her conscience that is holding her back!

In other words, getting confirmed in such a situation may end up being a band-aid to mask her concerns about the faith. Instead, it would be much better to have her explore these areas of doubt right now then to be confirmed falsely.

I agree with you about the word “persuasion”, I’m just a little nervous that to the child that may be viewed as withholding affection.

 

[MisSpellin]

From Catholic for Dummies:
"Here’s what happens at the actual ritual of Confirmation:

You stand or kneel before the bishop.

Your sponsor lays one hand on your shoulder and speaks your confirmation name.

The bishop anoints you by using oil of Chrism (a consecrated oil) to make the Sign of the Cross on your forehead while saying your Confirmation name and “Be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit.”

You respond, “Amen.”

The bishop then says, “Peace be with you.”

You respond, “And with your spirit” or “And also with you.”

And you are now an adult in the eyes of the Church.

Being confirmed in the Church means accepting responsibility for your faith and destiny. Adulthood, even young adulthood, means that you must do what’s right on your own, not for the recognition or reward but merely because it’s the right thing to do."

I realize this is an old thread but this refusing to be confirmed by teens is super common it happens in the best of families. But when you look at what is acutually being offered during the sacrament- I’m not sure how it can conflict with any teens’ conscience.

I think if they did the work and are qualified to be confirmed, that’s all they need to be confirmed. We have to remind them as parents and educators that they have earned this confirmation and have a right to do it, and that they are good enough and worthy enough to be confirmed. If the teen still has questions, that’s great, our spiritual journey never ends, explore away… after you’ve been confirmed.

Even if they lapse as a Catholic, is is so much easier to come back to the church when that confirmation is completed. I lapsed as a confirmed catholic and now I realize that my two kids, ages 11 and 9, are missing out on an integral part of their development, I thought I could teach them Christ’s message and the christian values I grew up with in a non-denominational way- but I just can’t, I need the church’s teachings to help me. So I’ve brought them back into the Catholic church through RCIA, it’s easy for us to do partly because my husband and I are already confirmed Catholics. I would hate to think that my parents allowed my limited and selfish teenage thinking to decide something that would benefit and inform my adult life. They did do that with my only sibling though, she went through confirmation process but decided not to be confirmed and can’t be a godparent/sponsor to my children (who weren’t around when she was making this decision). My sister is not interested in doing RCIA right now. So, I’ll have to make some catholic friends quickly to hustle up a Godparent. Meanwhile, I’m a little sad about her decision not just for me but for my kids and our family. Sure, it’s workable but it’s a tiny source of tension for her. She doesn’t want to talk about matters of faith expressly because she doesn’t want to have to contemplate going back through RCIA. It’s like from a spiritual level she’s stuck back in that cranky teenager mode and won’t move past it. I asked her if she would chose differently now that she’s 32 and about to be married to another Catholic and eager to start a family. She shrugged looked away and muttered…“Maybe”.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think there are two separate issues here.

1. your sister is not fulfilling her parental obligation to the Church. They should be well catechized active Catholics. She is not doing that.
2. Yes, I believe that Confirmation is a parents duty to their child. And I don’t think the child should have a choice. I am aware that many on these boards disagree. But in some rites confirmation is done way earlier. Baptism and confirmation are parental duties.

Some diocese are considering moving confirmation up earlier. Perhaps to get rid of some teenage rebellion on the issue. I would support that. I would think you and your daughter are prime examples that this young lady needs. Perhaps your daughter could call her and talk with her about it.

We are not protestant. Confirmation is not a Catholic alter call…

 

[EasterJoy]

The pastor and the bishop decide who is well-disposed for Confirmation. The parents have the duty to encourage their children to approach the sacrament and all their religious duties with piety and so on, but they cannot force their child. You, being just the auntie, only need to render that aid that is solicited. Otherwise, let those with the duty and the authority handle it.

If you are asked, however, I told our children that while they did not have to get confirmed, they were required to do everything that was required to prepare for it. Their decision was not going to be based on being too lazy to prepare. It’s just like getting ready for college. You don’t have to go to college, but you are taking the classes required to prepare you for it. What you do with the preparation I am forcing you to go through is up to you.

In other words, she needs to know that she’ll be doing that service project whether or not she decides to go through with confirmation. Otherwise, she will be losing privileges until she does, even if the day of confirmation comes and goes with no service done. The idea that you can go through life accepting free room, board, and everything else from your parents without ever lifting your finger to be a benefit to anyone else is repugnant. Get over that one, Kid.

 

[MisSpellin]

Easter Joy, I feel saying “you decide, but you still have to do the preparation.” Needlessly sets up a dichotomy, a certain frame of mind, that this young person has some sort of soul searching monumental choice to make here, one that “has to be right for them”.

What’s the worst that can happen if a young person chooses to participate and receive the sacrament of confirmation? Nothing. What’s the most they have to gain by receiving the Sacrament? Receipt of the Holy Spirit, and full right of passage into the Body of Christ.

Why would anyone make it seem like they might NOT want to chose that. Of course they will go through the program AND be confirmed as they have every right to be. Whether the young person chooses to practice their Catholicism as an independent adult is something that remains to be seen, the world is full of lapsed Catholics. Our obligation as parents of baptized children is to see them through confirmation, not up to the brink.

What does a person have to loose by not being confirmed? Quite a bit more. In my experience with my sister and cousins, not completing confirmation can become a sort of “spiritual undoing” one in which they feel they they can never return to their spiritual home because they rejected God for good. They refused to be confirmed so they must not believe in God. When really, they only refused because someone made it seem like it was their choice and maybe they think deep down that they are somehow not worthy enough of the sacrament, that they havent prayed enough or they have sins on their conscience that they are reluctant to confess, (I absolutely detested reconciliation as a teen) and they really don’t want to sit in church at 10am on a Sunday (what young person does).

Be careful of teens and false dichotomies, that’s all I’m saying. Sometimes teenagers say no because deep down they want to be reassured and encouraged before they say yes.

 

[twf]

I think there are two separate issues here.

1. your sister is not fulfilling her parental obligation to the Church. They should be well catechized active Catholics. She is not doing that.
2. Yes, I believe that Confirmation is a parents duty to their child. And I don’t think the child should have a choice. I am aware that many on these boards disagree. But in some rites confirmation is done way earlier. Baptism and confirmation are parental duties.

Some diocese are considering moving confirmation up earlier. Perhaps to get rid of some teenage rebellion on the issue. I would support that. I would think you and your daughter are prime examples that this young lady needs. Perhaps your daughter could call her and talk with her about it.

We are not protestant. Confirmation is not a Catholic alter call…

I completely agree that confirmation needs to be moved to it’s rightful place PRIOR to first communion. There is a proper, ancient order to the sacraments. It is fitting to be confirmed prior to receiving communion - this remains the case for adult converts. Some bishops have restored this order and Pope Benedict in particular applauded them. It is a novelty of the 20th century to confirm so late in life.
That being said, canon law requires those being confirmed to be in a state of grace. To receive the sacrament in a state of sin is itself another sin. Yes the sacrament is still valid, but the child will not benefit from the graces until he or she is later absolved. If your child, immediately before the ceremony, shouts “I hate God! I hate the Church” are you not forcing him to commit another sin by receiving the sacrament while clearly not in a state of grace?

 

[EasterJoy]

Easter Joy, I feel saying “you decide, but you still have to do the preparation.” Needlessly sets up a dichotomy, a certain frame of mind, that this young person has some sort of soul searching monumental choice to make here, one that “has to be right for them”.

What’s the worst that can happen if a young person chooses to participate and receive the sacrament of confirmation? Nothing. What’s the most they have to gain by receiving the Sacrament? Receipt of the Holy Spirit, and full right of passage into the Body of Christ.

Why would anyone make it seem like they might NOT want to chose that. Of course they will go through the program AND be confirmed as they have every right to be. Whether the young person chooses to practice their Catholicism as an independent adult is something that remains to be seen, the world is full of lapsed Catholics. Our obligation as parents of baptized children is to see them through confirmation, not up to the brink.

What does a person have to loose by not being confirmed? Quite a bit more. In my experience with my sister and cousins, not completing confirmation can become a sort of “spiritual undoing” one in which they feel they they can never return to their spiritual home because they rejected God for good. They refused to be confirmed so they must not believe in God. When really, they only refused because someone made it seem like it was their choice and maybe they think deep down that they are somehow not worthy enough of the sacrament, that they havent prayed enough or they have sins on their conscience that they are reluctant to confess, (I absolutely detested reconciliation as a teen) and they really don’t want to sit in church at 10am on a Sunday (what young person does).

Be careful of teens and false dichotomies, that’s all I’m saying. Sometimes teenagers say no because deep down they want to be reassured and encouraged before they say yes.

Let me clarify, because I don’t want to give the wrong impression. My children knew the truth that the baptized are obliged to seek the sacrament of confirmation as a completion of their Christian initiation and that I, as their parent, have a duty “to take care that the faithful are properly instructed to receive the sacrament and come to it at the appropriate time,” as canon law puts it. They never voiced any personal doubt about whether or not they wanted to be confirmed, either.

No, this came up as a theoretical treatment of their peers who decided they weren’t going to be confirmed. Students in confirmation classes are inevitably also told the truth that nobody can force another person to seek the sacrament of confirmation. Some of them say, “I don’t want to do it” mostly because they don’t want the inconvenience of attending the classes and retreats and whatnot that are required of those preparing for confirmation. What I wanted to make sure my children knew was that the “I don’t think this is right for me” dodge would not be getting anyone at our house out of going to classes and meeting all the requirements for receiving the Sacrament. If they were really dead-set against being confirmed, there is nothing I could do that. That was their decision. Deciding they were going to dodge instruction, however, was not going to happen. That would be a case of me deciding to fail in my obligation.

If you put it that way–you have an obligation that I can’t force you to meet but that I can force you to be in a position to accept with very little extra effort on your part–then most people who are inclined to seek the sacrament but tempted to fall into sloth will find that doing all of that work and then not showing up for the actual sacrament doesn’t make much sense. Only those who truly have a real reservation are likely to opt out.

It is wrong to try to force someone who has attained the age of reason to receive a sacrament against their will. No bishop is going to confirm someone he finds is not seeking the sacrament, but who has been forced to come forward and pretend otherwise, any more than he’s going to force someone to marry because the parents insist on that or force a child who has attained the age of consent to be baptized.

To force someone to receive a sacrament against their will is the worst that could happen. It is forbidden.

 

[MisSpellin]

Any kid who is a candidate for “forcing” is probably a better candidate for a courageous and compassionate conversation. I’m not suggesting that Catholic families take up fascism.

I’m talking about re-framing that customary dichotomy of “you choose” whether to be confirmed", into a more life affirming conversation, such as: “This is God’s gift to us as Catholics, and one that you are worthy to receive. Not only is Jesus eager to be with you, you are wanted by he who loves you so much, you are wanted by everyone in our parish, and you are wanted by a fellowship of 1.1 billion other Catholics in the world. You are enough just as you are. You are a gift to the world and I want to celebrate you during this time. Let me love you and celebrate you.” (I know, they hear it the class, and it’s different when it comes from a parent in a 1:1 convo. And if my parents spoke to us like that on a regular basis I wouldn’t be writing this. So, yeah, in some families, things are far from perfect, and compassionate language is not the norm.)

My sister wasn’t the type who had to be forced to do things. She did have to be guided and prevailed upon and she was insecure, My parents were going through a difficult divorce during that confirmation period in her life. I’m sure that was a big factor in her not wanting to participate in religious activity. She was mad at the world.

My mom gave in to my sister’s way of thinking because my mother was heartsick herself. I think though, and so does my Mom with 20/20 hindsight, that she could have handled it a MUCH better way than simply, “You do the program, and then if you still don’t want to be confirmed you don’t have to.” (Which is exactly the deal they struck.)
My mom thinks she could have given a different message about confirmation preparation one that made the expectation clear, that would it would be completed it through to the ceremony itself. I think the idea being that receipt of the Holy Spirit during that difficult time would have been a welcome blessing in my sister’s life, one that would have improved her confidence and been a source of celebration and affirmation. Instead, by opting out, she entered a period of spiritual denial.

I’m glad to hear that confirmation is being offered at a younger age. I think I was 17 when I was confirmed and I was definitely an eye roller right up until the actual ceremony. (We are so used to our spiritual practices not being powerful, but for me it was. I truly felt a spiritual stirring inside myself that day.)
As a lay person I can’t speak to a person’s state of grace prior to confirmation, though I’m given to believe it is most certainly preferred to be in one. I think if I were the parent of a borderline teen I would prayerfully and humbly take what I could get. I obviously haven’t’ parented any teenagers yet, and my anecdote is just intended to offer additional perspective. I was inspired to share after hearing of a nearly identical “confirmation situation” happening with my husband’s nephew. Whether any of what I’ve offered is helpful remains for the individual to determine.

1ke, I think your comments were super concise and that’s the kind of no-nonsense message a that can be repeated ad infinitum in response to a teenager’s whining about “not wanting to go…Why do I have to go…I don’t want to be confirmed…etc.”

1ke: “Yes. It is not her “heart being in it” that gives the grace of the Sacrament. It is the Bishop.”
“People very often confuse Confirmation with some sort of choice to be Catholic. It is not. She is Catholic by virtue of her baptism. Confirmation confirms her baptism. It is the Bishop who does the confirming, not the person being confirmed. Every Catholic is obligated to receive Confirmation at the appointed time.”

Blessings to all.