Can someone emotionally cheat on the internet or am I over reacting?

[onlylove]

My husband is the only male member in a private Yahoo group of female fan-fiction writers. I had some issues with this at first, but I trust him explicitly, and so if that’s the case then my jealousy is my own issue to overcome. I can’t allow my own insecurities to control how he engages with friends. I know who they all are, they know who his wife is, what they chat about, and he even sends me stuff from them once in awhile. If there was ever one second of doubt that this was not totally above board I would demand he stop immediately - that goes beyond just my own insecurity and into a totally different realm of what is actually happening.

If there is ANY romantic/flirting/secretive conversations going on at ANY time then there is absolutely NO room for that in a marriage.

Friends are friends - and friends don’t go where they are not supposed to. If they do then they cease being friends and become something that does not belong in a marriage.

~Liza

This is really good! Thanks for sharing. Maybe that is my own issue as well. And maybe he needs to start letting people know he is in a committed relationship. maybe that would help.

 

[Morningkill]

As Lizaanne’s husband I wade in here - the simplest way to determine if something is “too far” would be to ask “If my spouse saw / heard this conversation, would he / she be hurt? Would they understand? Would they react badly? Would I have a problem with him/her seeing everything I write / say?”

There doesn’t need to be full disclosure and openness - I don’t NEED or WANT to know what Liza talks about with her male friends at work for example - but there HAS to be the POTENTIAL for that. That is, if the partner says “I want to hear everything that was said and read everything that was written” the person has to be prepared to show that.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

This is really good! Thanks for sharing. Maybe that is my own issue as well. And maybe he needs to start letting people know he is in a committed relationship. maybe that would help.

**Are you saying he DOESN’T let people know he is in a committed relationship?

Just how much do you know about these women he is chatting with? How does he know them? Does he know them in real life too?**

 

[lizaanne]

As Lizaanne’s husband I wade in here - the simplest way to determine if something is “too far” would be to ask “If my spouse saw / heard this conversation, would he / she be hurt? Would they understand? Would they react badly? Would I have a problem with him/her seeing everything I write / say?”

There doesn’t need to be full disclosure and openness - I don’t NEED or WANT to know what Liza talks about with her male friends at work for example - but there HAS to be the POTENTIAL for that. That is, if the partner says “I want to hear everything that was said and read everything that was written” the person has to be prepared to show that.

See - this is why I love him. He gets it.

~Liza

 

[onlylove]

**Are you saying he DOESN’T let people know he is in a committed relationship?

Just how much do you know about these women he is chatting with? How does he know them? Does he know them in real life too?**

Some do know. And many don’t. A few of the female friends he has I am right here when they IM’s him, and I even jump on and say hi, or pass a message of hello in which he types in. He has known them for years. That doesn’t bother me at all. I have many old friends too. He knows the older friends in real life yes. Its good, and healthy to have platonic relationships.

He has an evangelizing ministry on line. And he is really good at it. He doesn’t hide the fact that he is in a relationship at all, but he most times doesn’t offer the information either.

The new women he chats with he doesn’t know personally, they are only on line friends. That is my concern.

My whole purpose for posting in this forum, and registering was to try and figure out if I am over reacting or not, and I obviously needed help with that. And to see what the consensus was on if someone could emotionally cheat with on line friends.

Maybe I still need some work on myself from the past (which I am sure I do), and with trust issues. 20 plus years, in an un-trusting marriage and all the baggage of it (which I will not get into), takes years of work.

But still weather my emotions are wright or wrong, they are still there. And I need to be shown that I am the most important thing to him, not the people he spends time with on line. If he would talk more openly about him being in a committed relationship and us it would ease my mind.

Like an alcoholic, if your spouse, so or bf has this issue, and it affects you and the household. Then it is considered a problem. And needs to be talked about and dealt with. So this is what I am attempting to do. Right now I am gathering info. and formulating ideas in my mind, so I can better communicate and talk to him about it.

Understand? I hope I make sense.

 

[onlylove]

As Lizaanne’s husband I wade in here - the simplest way to determine if something is “too far” would be to ask “If my spouse saw / heard this conversation, would he / she be hurt? Would they understand? Would they react badly? Would I have a problem with him/her seeing everything I write / say?”

There doesn’t need to be full disclosure and openness - I don’t NEED or WANT to know what Liza talks about with her male friends at work for example - but there HAS to be the POTENTIAL for that. That is, if the partner says “I want to hear everything that was said and read everything that was written” the person has to be prepared to show that.

Yep Liz, You sure have a gem there. I really, really like what you had to say. Thank, you so much. I believe this same theory I will apply to myself once again, as I have recently forgotten. Thanks for the reminder.

 

[onlylove]

I have to go right now, lots to do today. Back tonight or tomorrow. TTFN. Thanks all!

 

[onlylove]

Well I prayed allot after this thread. And was able to talk to my BF of my concerns. I told him absolutely everything that was on my mind. I was really shocked at his reaction. It could of not been more kinder or understanding, and filled with compassion for my lack of trust, and fears of what he was possibly doing. We talked it all out, and agree the best thing is communication, and we still have things to work on.

I think he was a little shocked that I was so effected by his behavior. And I believe he too had some realizations.

Just for the record for those of you who may be judging the my co-habitation with my bf, we have been (as I said before) under the direction of a priest, and actually are making plans for him to move into his own place. It’s a goal anyhow. You see, we want to stay obedient to the Church and what our Priest tells us, (remember we are all human). And I don’t like it one bit, and am doing it kicking and screaming, (as I have told my priest). But we are still going to be obedient. Ok, enough said. Thanks for all your thoughts and comments. I will see you all around the boards here from time to time. Peace and Blessings to you.

 

[lizaanne]

Just for the record for those of you who may be judging the my co-habitation with my bf, we have been (as I said before) under the direction of a priest, and actually are making plans for him to move into his own place. It’s a goal anyhow. You see, we want to stay obedient to the Church and what our Priest tells us, (remember we are all human). And I don’t like it one bit, and am doing it kicking and screaming, (as I have told my priest). But we are still going to be obedient. Ok, enough said. Thanks for all your thoughts and comments. I will see you all around the boards here from time to time. Peace and Blessings to you.

No judging here - you are trying to do the right thing, and realize what that means. No one ever said being a Catholic was easy - not even Christ.

May God bless you in your Faith and your conviction to live according to His law.

~Liza

 

[onlylove]

No judging here - you are trying to do the right thing, and realize what that means. No one ever said being a Catholic was easy - not even Christ.

May God bless you in your Faith and your conviction to live according to His law.

~Liza

Thank you for not judging. I have had enough of that in my life.
Peace