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Kateloran99

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My husband and I have been married for 13 years. One child. I’ll keep this short. We are both Catholic. We have been in and out of therapy for years. Here are our key issues.

He works full time but doesn’t make enough to support our family at his ideal level of status. I work 2 jobs. One full time (double his income) and one part time from home. We are in financial shambles. He refuses to look at the numbers despite repeated requests. He says it’s because I make the money so I should be responsible for the bottom line. We agreed in therapy to split paying the bills. One of my bills has a penalty of wage garnishment if it’s even a day late. This month he didn’t even ask about it or pay it. If i had left it to him my check would be garnished.

He wanted me to download soft porn Online and sell it as part of my part time job (computer business). I refused and he backed down. But when I asked him t get a second job, he threatened to sell his car and ride a bike to work. (it’s 35 miles - totally impossible).

We have a terrible sex life. I’ve aske him over and over again (in therapy too) why he only masturbates and he says that he doesn’t feel confident enough in himself and his performance. I have stopped initiating and getting no satisfaction. So nothing happens at all.

I told him several times that We were going to end up divorced if I can’t feel like I have a teammate. He usually deflects and then nothing changes.

I met with a divorce attorney this week. I am feeling awful about not trying any longer, but he seems to care less

He’s nice to me now because as he says “he’s on egg shells”. He likes domestic work. But not much else. It’s just hard for me to leave when he’s being so “nice” on the surface.

He has threatened suicide before … So I’m obviously nervous. Is he too far gone to have hope for this marriage?
 
Hi,
I think you’ve posted about your situation before, but I can’t recall the context. You’ve obviously tried counseling, attorneys, and possibly talking to your priest.
He’s some Catholic – porn? threats of suicide?
I would suggest you begin some spiritual activities together: say a rosary together every evening. Read a chapter of the Bible, and pray together.
He needs to begin to take his faith seriously. Then he may begin to take his responsibilities as a father and husband seriously as well.
God bless.
 
I don’t think he’s a Rosary-kind-of-guy judging by what the OP has said so far. I think you should probably contact a priest. I’m not married or getting married anytime soon so I don’t really know much else I could say, God be with you, H.B.
 
I think you need to separate, just to drive the message home. From what I’ve read he’ll make enough noises and stretch the line just enough to keep you with him. And that’s about it.

I don’t see his attitude changing without a massive shock. But be warned - he may never change.

This is based on the assumption that your side of the story is accurate. There are always two sides to a story.
 
Thanks for the replies. I just needed to reach out for feeback since the divorce attorney meeting was so shocking. I have just been through SO much with him, I catch myself thinking ahhhhh it’s not so bad. But, he’s a bad influence at times. I talked with him recently and told him I felt as if I couldn’t trust his judgement since the soft porn suggestion. He denied it at first and then said “well I didn’t just get it from nowhere … You were the one who was considering doing it…”. I replied that I was glad that I came to my senses and realized that wasn’t healthy … before it was too late. He said well maybe I need to take a closer look at myself. He suggested I never ask for his opinion on things ever again, since he’s not to be trusted. It was a very passive aggressive response. And he has NOT done anything to take a closer look at himself…

It’s a tough situation. Am I hurting our child by staying in this? I don’t think he has been impacted directly by anything… But he definitely has an opinion on money already and that worries me.
 
Kateloran, divorce is a tough solution and single parenting is hard (I know from experience); however, Bob’s suggestion that you separate for a period is a good one. Think carefully about this and consult with someone you can trust (preferably a priest or Catholic counsellor) to give some structure to the separation.

Being separated should give you a chance to assess your relationship and may get your husband thinking about what he wants from marriage.

Do bear Bob’s warning in mind though, separation may not change your situation at all, then you will have to decide what to do next.

Sounds as though you’ve had a really tough time, but only you know if it is worth the struggle to save your marriage and how much you are willing to change to achieve this.
 
You’ve made it 13 years so something must be working. As far as the porn and sex related issues, if therapy hasn’t helped yet, try a book called “Every Man’s Battle” the author’s show in a very compelling way how to realize where the problem is and how to overcome it, all with the help of God. I strongly recomend that he reads this, but you should probably also read it, just so that you can see how messed up the male brain can be, and see that he is not the only one like that. Hope this helps, and I’ll pray for you.
 
Normally, separation is a very poor move, but in your case, I’d make an exception. Your husband is used to you being mommy and taking care of him. I think it would be good for him to live on his income for a change. If you did separate, ongoing talks about financial planning and budgeting would need to be part of the process for reestablishing your relationship. Even just for his own sake, he has to learn to be an adult about money, whether you continue to live together or not.

That’s setting aside the sex issues, of course, which are very weird and disturbing.

Have a look at this Wikipedia entry on gaslighting, by the way:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

If you divorce, you have to be prepared for the possibility that you’ll have to pay him spousal support. Shared custody may also be a big drag with somebody as childish and passive-aggressive as your husband.
 
Yes, gas lighting is something my therapist has gone over with me, too. You are spot on.

I know something has got to give because I’m currently using my 401k loan to keep us afloat. He doesn’t seem to be bothered at all. He says he’s “very happy in the marriage”. Meanwhile, I’ve been up in the middle of the night with anxiety. I know that a lot of changes have to be made. But, for some reason I just don’t see things properly. He’s done some very hurtful things to me in the past and I have just forgiven and taken it. Despite the fact that he has been extremely damaging to my emotions and self confidence at times.
 
Thank you for your post. I must say I have spent YEARS doing exactly what you said. I never put him down. I don’t argue. I don’t snap. I just “take it”. One of the times I kindly asked him why we were still having sexual issues … And what he thought we could do… He told me that he didn’t want to inconvenience me since I am “working on my weight”. I’m a size 4! I just can’t bring myself to initiate anything after being repeatedly hurt.

No he doesn’t gamble. He doesn’t shop or buy too much now… But we just spent too much over the years and we are currently trying to deal with it. He has suggested that I file bankruptcy so we can stay in our current living situation and status. He just will not budge on that. Again the cars have to be new etc. he threatened to ride a bike… Which is insane since he works 35 miles away on the highway. He knew he was throwing out empty threats.
As my therapist trained me… I just responded with “okay if that’s what you think is best…” and he then admitted he could never do that.

I compliment when he cooks. Thank him when he does laundry. I always do. And everything is fine… But he just won’t help in the areas I need him to.

When I started to take more control over the money, he called his parents and asked them for money. They are cancer ridden and elderly. I told him that was an awful mistake, so he agreed that he would not take their money. Then a week later I heard him on the phone with his Dad telling him that he needed it for taxes. He accepted the money and spent it on furniture!

If I continue to maintain status quo… We will use 20k of my 401k loan in the next 7 months to make ends meet and have nothing to show for it. We won’t have a sex life and who knows what other things could pop up.
 
“I will have to respectfully disagree with you and others here that pursuing separation right now is a wise choice. You are obviously “on the fence” and as someone else said you have been married for 13 years so something must be working.”

The poster has actually written many, many posts previously about marriage problems. There are a lot of trivial disagreements where I think that it’s just a communication issue, but there are huge problems with sex and money. The sex issues are disturbing, but I’ll stick to money. The poster is declaring bankruptcy and is borrowing from her 401(k) while her husband refuses to look at their finances or cut down their lifestyle. He is expecting her to earn enough to support him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, rather than helping to figure out how much lifestyle they can afford on their income.
 
“If I continue to maintain status quo… We will use 20k of my 401k loan in the next 7 months to make ends meet and have nothing to show for it.”

Don’t touch that money unless it’s to avoid bankruptcy (and not just now, but for the foreseeable future). You make a very nice income now, but you may not always, and you may have 30 years of post-retirement life to be prepared for. Don’t spend that money just delaying the inevitable. I’m sure it took you way longer than 7 months to save that much money.
 
Dacinom said:
Thank you, I was not aware of any other post other then this one. In fact I did a search after I read your post only to find this is the only thread but perhaps I am making a mistake in my search.

To the original poster: aside from your marriage relationship, as matter of practicality it seems you may have to file for bankruptcy to keep a roof over your head. Do what you can to care for yourself and your child to provide the basic necessities of life. I am sad to hear you have been trying to save your marriage for years but to no avail. Your heart must just be breaking, please be assured of my prayers and I hope for a bright future for you whatever that may entail. God bless you.
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She keeps switching names.

But the basic story is close to the same thing. Every time she gets to a point where the answer is to “leave him,” she seems to start a new account and tell the story again, with a slightly different slant.
 
I see his faults, but I actually feel badly for this guy. It sounds like he feels like a failure. It probably doesn’t help that you have your act together more than him, and make twice his income. The bike comment sounds like the frustration of a trapped man (not by you, but by the situation). The lack of desire for sexual intimacy would go along with that.

Have you suggested that he start therapy solo, in addition to couples therapy? It sounds like he has serious self esteem issues. That passive aggressive behavior is a telltale sign.
 
Yes he did therapy for a long while since I had demanded it. It was the only way to save us even back then. He says he’s just fine and that my salary doesn’t intimidate him. He recently told me he was not intimate with me (initiating himself) because he was feeling guilty over how happy he was with his job and he felt sorry for me because mine isn’t as great. It was crazy talk because he is current ON PROBATION! I think it will pass … But for him to say that was just crazy to me.

Sorry for changing names. I was unable to get my only account/password to work.

Today was tough. I had to do something for a Christmas special for work. It’s an ice skating routine. I used to skate growing up but it’s been a LONG time. I overheard my husband complimenting one of my coworkers about how great she looked on the ice (she is good and beautiful) and he didn’t say anything to me. I feel just heart sick. I normally don’t feel the effects of his weird ways… But this one really hurts.
Not sure why…
 
The_Holy_War_11 said:
I don’t think he’s a Rosary-kind-of-guy judging by what the OP has said so far. I think you should probably contact a priest.
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I know he’s not a rosary kind of guy. He claims to be happy with his situation, while it’s driving you, his wife, crazy. So you can’t control his behavior, but you can control yours. You could downsize on your own, maybe – unless he has to sign for cars, etc. My husband would love a new car, but I’m not buying him one. He’ll drive an old clunker until I can save up for most of another used one. (Im employed, he’s not).
You don’t have to meet his demands for an expensive lifestyle just because he wants you to. You could also separate, as suggested, or make increasing your prayer life with him a condition of staying. Just a thought.
 
I wish I could downsize without his (name removed by moderator)ut, but I can’t. I mean I could move out with our son, but that would leave him unable to afford our lease. I suggested we talk to the landlord about finding a replacement tenant. He wont do that.

Not only did he completely ignore the fact that our debt payment was due on the first (or it will be a wage garnishment on my check) but our landlords came over to fix something yesterday. I wasn’t home. He didn’t even give them a check for the rent! When I asked he said… Oh I didn’t realize you wanted me to pay it.

And THIS is after having a talk with him one week ago, telling him I need his help!
 
“Not only did he completely ignore the fact that our debt payment was due on the first (or it will be a wage garnishment on my check) but our landlords came over to fix something yesterday. I wasn’t home. He didn’t even give them a check for the rent! When I asked he said… Oh I didn’t realize you wanted me to pay it.”

“And THIS is after having a talk with him one week ago, telling him I need his help!”

This is the kind of trivial stuff that I mentioned earlier. You’re asking him to read your mind, which isn’t fair.

It’s fair for you to insist on downsizing and on getting him to sit down with you and look over your finances and make realistic plans and stick with them. It isn’t fair to expect him to be you or to have your grasp of financial detail. Insist that he be a grownup on the big picture stuff (planning, sticking to a plan), but it’s OK if you are the person who writes all the checks and remembers when stuff needs to be paid.
 
I understand but I has asked him to pay them the rent. I left the check on the counter.

I had to report something that is VERY telling. I asked my husband to open a small credit card for me for my part time business. My credit is shot because of the bankruptcy only in my name. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea. He offered me his SEARS card instead … I need to buy things for my business on amazon. I don’t need a washer or dryer! He said he didn’t think it was a good idea.

So apparently the door only swings one way.
 
You didn’t mention that you’d asked him to pay the rent.

He’s actually right about the credit card. The last thing the two of you need is to borrow money for your business. You have a nice income–use it.
 
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