Can trust be fully rebuild?

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1inICXC

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In light of the Ashley Madison scandal going on, I’ve been thinking about the future of the spouses and families of the cheaters and I’m wondering to what extent can you ever truly trust again someone who has betrayed and wounded you so deeply.

5 or 10 or 30 years down the road, if he comes home late one night will you still have that lingering suspicion or is it possible to completely rebuild the trust?

I know we are all sinners and ALL capable of terrible things so no one should really ever say never but truth is that most of us do have absolute trust in those we love, until it is broken.

From those who have lived through infidelity, without having to share your experience, was the trust ever completely rebuilt. If so, perhaps you can share how.
 
I don’t mean this to sound preach-y but I do think we should endeavor to follow the example of God - he continues to trust us even though we routinely disappoint him. I would hope that I could be forgiving and build that trust again but I would be a hypocrite saying that I “know” I would do it. It would be very hard but I honestly think I would give it a serious try.
 
Trust can be become stronger. We are all sinners. When we recognize our sin, and repent, then we can have a new conversion experience that will bring is closer to holiness. So, yes, depending on the person, I believe that trust can even grow stronger. The pain though might never fully leave.
 
There’s a big difference between the man admitting his affair and asking for forgiveness and the man who was caught. Man #1 was repentant while Man #2…who knows? Would he ever have repented had he not been caught?
 
I wasn’t quite sure whether to vote “completely” or “not 100%”
Do you believe that you are 100% incapable of violating trust placed in you?
Why on earth would you expect someone else to be 100% incapable of ever violating a trust you place in them? St. Peter said he would never betray Our Lord, and yet he did.

But Jesus would not trust himself to them because he knew them all, and did not need anyone to testify about human nature.
He himself understood it well. John 2:24-25

*Put no trust in princes,
in children of Adam powerless to save. *Psalm 146:3

Mercy starts with the knowledge that there is some peril when we trust others or they trust us. If we feel secure that it is* impossible *for a human being to every betray us, that is a false sense of security. If we feel secure in our own capacity to never fail those who trust us, that is a false sense of security.

Volcanoes can sleep for hundreds of years, and then go off. A granite face can stand for hundreds of thousands of years, and then slough a piece off. Disasters happen. We can’t live in fear. Likewise, it is a tragic truth that although a hundred lifetimes might go by without a single infidelity, there will be cases that seem exactly the same on the surface and yet betrayals of trust happen. Sometimes, we can relate to St. Paul’s lamentation: For I know that good does not dwell in me, that is, in my flesh. The willing is ready at hand, but doing the good is not. For I do not do the good I want, but I do the evil I do not want. Rom 7:18-19

Still, some of us have proven to be granite, while some have proven to be sand. With some, it is reasonable to believe that a betrayal is very unlikely, even though one has taken place and a previously unknown fault line has been exposed. With others, it is reasonable to believe that a betrayal is all but a matter of time. Someone who is granite can earn trust back. Someone who is sand should not have had it in the first place.
 
You’re right EasterJoy, that’s why I said I know that we are ALL capable of doing terrible things but the reality is that, unless a person betrayed your trust, you will believe them if they say they’re running late from work or that they are in fact just out with a friend etc. I think that’s normal and healthy in a marriage. A spouse who has been betrayed will probably not be able to take it for granted that the other truly is where he says he is and is doing what he says he’s doing…

It’s that trust that I’m talking about. Does that peace of mind ever return or, on the contrary, every time there’s a change of plans or in the schedule it triggers the anxiety/ the suspicion the hurt caused by the betrayal?
 
Having been through this with a successful ending (wife becoming Catholic, renewal of vows as Catholics) I feel very qualified to comment on this. IF the affair is truly over, I believe part of forgiving is to trust, completely. I have made it clear that her email, texts, and cell phone are fair game for me to look at (as are mine) but honestly, have not felt the need to follow through more than occasionally. In our case, my wife has been a great mother and for most of the marriage a great spouse. To truly love includes trust. Yes, she once broke that trust however, she is repentant, has confessed to a Priest, and done everything I have asked of her and then some. If God has forgiven her, so must I. Trust is part of that.

When you see someone weeping, pleading for forgiveness and mercy as I once saw, you see the brokenness of humanity brought on by sin. People make mistakes, some bigger or more often than others. To be a disciple of Christ means to show mercy. The entire crux of Luke’s Gospel is mercy. To forgive and not again trust to me is not full forgiveness or a complete showing of mercy; it is with an *… I forgive you but I don’t trust you.
 
I voted “Somewhat but not 100%”

I don’t trust any human 100% to never betray or fail me, just as I don’t 100% trust myself to never fail or betray anyone.

I trust my husband MORE than any other person, but I also recognize he is just a human and is not perfect and is vulnerable to temptation. I hope to never hear he has been unfaithful, because that would be deeply hurtful. It would also be out of character for him.

I think, if such ever happened, I could forgive, and could work toward reconciliation with him. And I have heard of many couples who are so successful at rebuilding their marriage that they are happier years later than they ever were before the betrayal. But I think that would require complete trust in GOD, and not man.

Just my thoughts. Good question to ponder though.
 
HollowGhost,

Since you’ve been through this, how long did it Take for you to be completely at peace about her activities alone (without you)? Do you forgive and trust again the same day or did the trust part take a while?

I think there must be a big difference between having your spouse confess or having them “caught” as in the AshelyM scandal. When you cath a spouse, the first instinct is probably to wonder just how many times they lied and cheated and if they would’ve ever stopped were they not caught. When it’s a one-time incident that is ended and confessed, I’m sure it makes things easier, albeit still painful!
 
1inICXC said:
HollowGhost,

Since you’ve been through this, how long did it Take for you to be completely at peace about her activities alone (without you)? Do you forgive and trust again the same day or did the trust part take a while?

I think there must be a big difference between having your spouse confess or having them “caught” as in the AshelyM scandal. When you cath a spouse, the first instinct is probably to wonder just how many times they lied and cheated and if they would’ve ever stopped were they not caught. When it’s a one-time incident that is ended and confessed, I’m sure it makes things easier, albeit still painful!
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Fortunately for me, my wife was smart enough to end it on her own without being caught. It was over for more than a year before I found out which also helped. The visuals that play in my mind are bad enough without having had to catch her in the act. The visuals are part of the Cross I know bare. I have learned (by advice from these very forums) that they are straight from hell and are intended to undue what we have together accomplished. I believe it was Homemakermommie who said when the bad movies occur you are to immediately change the channel. I also carry a small rock in my pocket that has been blessed with Holy Water. This may sound silly but whenever I get angry I fumble for that rock and I am painfully reminded of the words of Christ: “Whichever of you who is without sin cast the first stone.”

My wife fully confessed, pleaded for mercy, and was truly repentant so I guess the trust part came sort of easier. On the day I forgave I had to ask many questions. Has she been a good wife for most of the marriage? Yes. Has she been a great mother? Yes. Is my life better with or without her? Clearly better with. Is there a great deal of “relationship equity” after two decades of marriage? Yes. Was I a perfect husband? No. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Did she make a huge mistake? Yes BUT she accepted full responsibility for that mistake. Do I want to crucify her, split all our assets, see my children exactly one half the time and live in separate apartments? NO! Lastly, is it possible to forgive but not trust? I argue no. The trust is something I believe I received from the Holy Spirit in order to help me move forward and it came very soon (almost simultaneously?) with the decision to forgive.

Your Brother in Christ,

HollowGhost
 
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