Can you be a bad husband but a good man?

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Hello all. I am a Catholic husband and father, married 15 years with two step children (although I consider them “mine”) and one mutual child. We are struggling financially and medically, with my wife, and are now almost assuredly facing divorce. She feels alone and betrayed, emotionally, by me and have had what I believe is the final straw argument. Can you be a bad husband but still be a good man? I don’t know.

I am sad for what the older kids will face, having lived through divorce in the past, and for what our youngest is sure to lose by way of his trust and innocence. I have no idea how I will make this work, I just know my wife and I are no longer our best selves together and there is no more forgiveness in the well for me. It is just so heartbreaking. I have no friends and live nowhere close to family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
 
Oh I am so sorry to read about all you are facing!
Pray, pray and pray more. Don’t stop praying. Give it all to Jesus. Even if you are so overwhelmed that you cannot pray - give that to Jesus too.

Divorce is a trick of the devil. It isn’t going to solve your problems. You already know that from what you wrote, so don’t make divorce an option. Talk to her. Remind her of why you married her in the first place. Try to reassure her that you can get thru all of this TOGETHER with God because you can. I beg you to put every last ounce of strength into fighting for your marriage. I think you will be glad you did. i know your kids will be.

I am praying for you right this minute. Please, go talk to your wife. Don’t fight. Don’t argue. Just wrap your arms around her and tell her you love her and want to work it out.

Then take her hands and hold them in yours and pray together. The Holy Spirit will give you the words.
 
MisterR said:
Hello all. I am a Catholic husband and father, married 15 years with two step children (although I consider them “mine”) and one mutual child. We are struggling financially and medically, with my wife, and are now almost assuredly facing divorce. She feels alone and betrayed, emotionally, by me and have had what I believe is the final straw argument. Can you be a bad husband but still be a good man? I don’t know.

I am sad for what the older kids will face, having lived through divorce in the past, and for what our youngest is sure to lose by way of his trust and innocence. I have no idea how I will make this work, I just know my wife and I are no longer our best selves together and there is no more forgiveness in the well for me. It is just so heartbreaking. I have no friends and live nowhere close to family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
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Allow me to post a prayer.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death
Amen.

St. Jude, pray for them!
 
Yes, I suppose it’s possible.

Have you asked your wife to go to counseling? If she agrees, go together. If not, try to go alone. A lot of health insurances will cover at least a few counseling visits.

Catholic Social Services also has some counselors from a Catholic perspective, but they don’t always accept all insurances.

Whether your wife agrees to marital counseling right now or not, I think you could still benefit from it. A counselor can allow you an opportunity to talk about your problems, vent, brainstorm, give you alternative ways to communicate which may be more effective than what you’ve tried up till now. You need someone who can be more objective, clear thinking, knowledgeable of these issues and resources.

Also, had you ever considered Retrovaille? I have only heard about it, but it sounded like a good program.

retrouvaille.org/?LA=en
 
Sorry to hear that your marriage has reached this point. I hope you are able to turn it around. Please consider counselling and whatever other options may be able to help.
MisterR said:
Can you be a bad husband but still be a good man? I don’t know.
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To answer your question, I think no. I don’t mean to be harsh in saying that. If marriage is your vocation, given to you from God, then being a good man means being a good husband. This is hard for you now to face, but whatever happens from here, you still need to find a way to live your vocation well - to be a good husband, and especially to be a good father. If you divorce civilly, that will not change your marital status within the Church. You will still be a husband and still need to live that vocation. Talk to a trusted priest about what that may mean and involve, if it comes to that.

And in saying that to be a good man means being a good husband, I’ll note that we all fall short at times and all need God’s grace to rise to the challenges. None of us is “good”, by God’s standards. There are days I’d rather crawl into a hole than face up to my responsibilities and husband and father, but I pray to God to help me through it.

With God, it is never too late.
 
No, you cannot be a good man, and a bad husband. Your vocation is to love your wife, and be the best husband, and father that you can be. This is your purpose in life.
 
Please, consider more strongly the effect this will have on your children. Divorce hurts them so badly, it is the height of selfishness to divorce.
I divorced my husband because he was physically and emotionally abusive, both to me and to my toddlers. I had no choice. But I saw the pain it inflicted on my sons, because they loved their father even though he had mental illness. If you have any way to avoid doing this to your children, please work on it.
There is never a final straw argument. I don’t understand what you’re saying. Are you saying she can’t forgive you for emotionally betraying her? Or that you can’t forgive her for something?
If you’ve offended her, apologize and do your best to make amends. Stop doing whatever she considers betrayal. If she’s offended you, and it’s probably on both sides, forgive her.
Unless one of you suffers from personality disorder, you should be able to reconcile; although you may need help to do so. Please get help, for your children’s sake.
 
Are you saying that your wife is divorcing you because you are a bad husband and she feels emotionally betrayed?

I’ve heard that one before…:rolleyes:

One question: what are you doing wrong as a husband that your wife couldn’t have reasonably foreseen when she married you?
 
A direct answer ot the question:

Yes, I’ve heard of several men spoken of as ‘good men’ by their friends, employees, employers, family, etc. But on the other hand, these ‘good men’s’ wives had really sad stories, which made them bad husbands.

Often people are nice with strangers but with their own spouse and children not so ‘into it’.

I am not saying this is how you might be but just speaking generally.
 
Some husbands are good providers and believe their wives should be happy with all the comforts of living they are given. The ability to listen and really hear what your spouse is saying is so important. There could come an understanding to a problem. Is your spouse really worth the effort? I think so.
 
MisterR said:
Hello all. I am a Catholic husband and father, married 15 years with two step children (although I consider them “mine”) and one mutual child. We are struggling financially and medically, with my wife, and are now almost assuredly facing divorce. She feels alone and betrayed, emotionally, by me and have had what I believe is the final straw argument. Can you be a bad husband but still be a good man? I don’t know.

I am sad for what the older kids will face, having lived through divorce in the past, and for what our youngest is sure to lose by way of his trust and innocence. I have no idea how I will make this work, I just know my wife and I are no longer our best selves together and there is no more forgiveness in the well for me. It is just so heartbreaking. I have no friends and live nowhere close to family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
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I suppose it could be possible. But I have never met a good man/bad husband.
What makes you a good man?
 
ClearWater said:
Also, had you ever considered Retrovaille? I have only heard about it, but it sounded like a good program.

retrouvaille.org/?LA=en
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Retrouvaille absolutely do this. retrouvaille.org/
If you are a good man you will do this for your children. You should try everything possible before putting them through another divorce (or even one divorce). Do what ever it takes to get your wife to Retrouvaille. It saved my marriage many years ago and we had very serious issues. Retrouvaille gave us a starting point to work through forgiving each other -and then you must continue to seek out marriage enrichment. Retreats, seminars, books -whatever works. Do not give up until you have sought every possible avenue of help. You both married each other for a reason - you can find that love again. You owe it to to your children to do all that you can-they are innocent victims of adult problems. Do not give up.
 
rayne89 said:
Retrouvaille absolutely do this. retrouvaille.org/
If you are a good man you will do this for your children. You should try everything possible before putting them through another divorce (or even one divorce). Do what ever it takes to get your wife to Retrouvaille. It saved my marriage many years ago and we had very serious issues. Retrouvaille gave us a starting point to work through forgiving each other -and then you must continue to seek out marriage enrichment. Retreats, seminars, books -whatever works. Do not give up until you have sought every possible avenue of help. You both married each other for a reason - you can find that love again. You owe it to to your children to do all that you can-they are innocent victims of adult problems. Do not give up.
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👍👍
 
Thank you to all who offered prayers. As for some of the other comments, well, I guess I have nothing to say about those. We have gone to a marriage encounter weekend before, it never took. Been to marriage counselors as well. Unsure of the road ahead. Marriage is very difficult.
 
Regina_Love said:
No, you cannot be a good man, and a bad husband. Your vocation is to love your wife, and be the best husband, and father that you can be. This is your purpose in life.
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Culpability requires capacity. A person can enter a marriage in good faith, do as well as he or she is capable, and yet find that divorce in unavoidable for a variety of reasons–this can even be so if the marriage is valid. It is possible for there to be a divorce without a sin, and therefore of course a Christian going through a divorce may not have sinned against God or neighbor.

A great deal more could be written, but one’s pastor or confessor is the right party with whom to do an examination of conscience.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I suppose it could be possible. But I have never met a good man/bad husband.
What makes you a good man?
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A) I’ve met people who accuse themselves when they are not at fault
B) I’ve known people who have done damage to relationships that even repentance and the willingness to make whatever amends are possible were not able to mend. If that makes them a permanently “bad person,” how many will be abld to stand before the Throne?
 
A marriage deserves the benefit of the doubt, OP. The good news for you is that marriages that do weather what you are going through are not uncommonly among the strongest and even happiest in the end.

It is not hard to literally become dis-couraged at a time like this. Look for outside help from real persons (I am virtual to you!) and in prayer in order to pursue grace. This is not something a “good person” does alone. It takes grace, the power of God, and that includes gratitude, love, perseverance, and so on. No effort you make to be faithful to God will go unrewarded, no matter what happens. Hang in there, but look for help. Even Our Lord had his Simon of Cyrene. Look for yours, as God supplies.
 
Well, I consider my wife to be an extraordinarily good person, and a curse from hell as a wife. Goodness does not always come with wisdom, insight, logic etc. etc.So, I’d say sure, it is possible to be a good man and a bad husband.
 
Decisiontime said:
Well, I consider my wife to be an extraordinarily good person, and a curse from hell as a wife. Goodness does not always come with wisdom, insight, logic etc. etc.So, I’d say sure, it is possible to be a good man and a bad husband.
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Sometimes the frail spots in our sanctity do not show up, except with our families! 😃

You are right; though: Many people who are otherwise very good people have certain situations where they clearly fall short of Christian perfection. Sometimes it is at home, sometimes with strangers, sometimes with those we consider strangers and sometimes with those to whom we feel the closest. If we are failing in one area, that is a good area to train our efforts at improvement. It is something for everybody. If anything, it seems that the more the saints advance, the more they seem to bemoan their imperfections!
 
EasterJoy said:
A) I’ve met people who accuse themselves when they are not at fault
B) I’ve known people who have done damage to relationships that even repentance and the willingness to make whatever amends are possible were not able to mend. If that makes them a permanently “bad person,” how many will be abld to stand before the Throne?
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Thank you for your kind, Christian words. They have been very helpful.
 
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