Can you have a homosexual relationship but abstain?

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Abira

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I’ll maybe go into this if anyone asks but there’s not enough space here lol 🙂

erm… I was thinking about my life in the long term and I was wondering what position is taken when looking at homosexual relationships that abstained from sex…

I don’t know if it is possible but I have felt lately that my personal issues kind of drove a wedge between me and religion and only lately am I thinking about everything again…

I feel as though I can’t think about myself and religion at the same time, like they have to be seperate…and so this question came to me today. I’d be really grateful for anyone’s views on it.

thanks, Sarah
 
Not sure what you mean by homosexual relationship - without sex? That sounds like a very close friendship? Could you be more specific?
 
My guess would be that you’re still being homosexual, which is a perversion of God’s plan for us as male and female, reguardless of whether you’re participating in what passes for sex between homosexuals. Experiencing same-sex desires means something is wrong at a very fundimental level in yourself. Any homosexual act is a sin, so my guess would also be that things like kissing someone of the same sex for a more than friendly reason would be considered a homosexual act as well, so that would be a sin, too… Experiencing the urges themselves is not a sin, but anything that would encourage those desires, like having a relationship, is a sin.

I could be wrong here, but this is my logical conclusion from what I’ve been taught by reliable Catholic sources.
 
Abira said:
I’ll maybe go into this if anyone asks but there’s not enough space here lol 🙂

erm… I was thinking about my life in the long term and I was wondering what position is taken when looking at homosexual relationships that abstained from sex…

I don’t know if it is possible but I have felt lately that my personal issues kind of drove a wedge between me and religion and only lately am I thinking about everything again…

I feel as though I can’t think about myself and religion at the same time, like they have to be seperate…and so this question came to me today. I’d be really grateful for anyone’s views on it.

thanks, Sarah
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Homosexual attraction, and hence all SSA based relationships, are instrinsically disordred and have a tendency toward moral evil. Prudence and sanctity would say “no” to such relationships.
 
Abira said:
I’ll maybe go into this if anyone asks but there’s not enough space here lol 🙂

erm… I was thinking about my life in the long term and I was wondering what position is taken when looking at homosexual relationships that abstained from sex.
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I don’t know. Is there a priest you trust, that you could discuss this with? I really don’t know how the Church would view a lesbian couple that is celibate - whether one or both could be in communion with the Church.

It seems to me that it could be okay, but at the same time, it seems to set a poor example, so I don’t really know. (Also, what would constitute “celibacy” for a lesbian? I’m not even sure how they define “sex.”)
I don’t know if it is possible but I have felt lately that my personal issues kind of drove a wedge between me and religion and only lately am I thinking about everything again.
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I will keep you in my prayers.
I feel as though I can’t think about myself and religion at the same time, like they have to be seperate…and so this question came to me today. I’d be really grateful for anyone’s views on it.
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thanks, Sarah
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It sounds as though you have a terrible cross to bear.

I just want you to know that even though you might not be able to receive the Sacraments at this time, you are still welcome to come to Mass and pray with us whenever you want to, and to join in other church activities like Rosary group, as well.

We have many ministries outside of the liturgy that you could help with, where it wouldn’t be important whether you were receiving the Sacraments or not - check with the pastor to see what kinds of things you could do - like packing food hampers for the poor, stuffing envelopes, and things like that.

If there is an Adoration chapel in your area, you would certainly be welcome to go there to join with the prayers, as well.
 
I don’t have a priest to talk to as I’m not Catholic…
I haven’t received communion since last Christmas, mostly as I had to work, and now that I don’t I feel like I shouldn’t be there, or aren’t wanted there. I have lately had this massive urge to pray The Rosary though, despite being brought up with quite negative views on Catholicism, I don’t know what to make of that…

I suppose my problem, as I’m only a young woman, is the idea of spending my life by myself without any sort of companionship.
I don’t believe you can choose your sexuality, at least I can’t. so companionship is how I’d define the relationship.

My Father is an Anglican vicar, but I don’t feel I can talk about it with him.

I asked the question as I know of several celibate lesbian women…

jmcrae lol…I shan’t bore you with feminist definitions of definitions of ‘sex’… IM me 🙂
 
Abira said:
I don’t have a priest to talk to as I’m not Catholic…
I haven’t received communion since last Christmas, mostly as I had to work, and now that I don’t I feel like I shouldn’t be there, or aren’t wanted there. I have lately had this massive urge to pray The Rosary though, despite being brought up with quite negative views on Catholicism, I don’t know what to make of that…

I suppose my problem, as I’m only a young woman, is the idea of spending my life by myself without any sort of companionship.
I don’t believe you can choose your sexuality, at least I can’t. so companionship is how I’d define the relationship.

My Father is an Anglican vicar, but I don’t feel I can talk about it with him.

I asked the question as I know of several celibate lesbian women…

jmcrae lol…I shan’t bore you with feminist definitions of definitions of ‘sex’… IM me 🙂
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I think it’s possible to have a celibate relationship with someone that you live with but this would have to include anything that would be construed as intimate including kissing for reasons other than a greeting. Having said that, I think it would also be difficult and you would have to be extremely careful about putting yourself in the near occasion of sin. The frustration you might get from this sort of relationship might not be for the best. There are support groups out there that might be able to help you including Courage (a Catholic group) and Exodus International. You’ll be in my prayers.
 
I asked the same questions months ago too. It is a dificult question to asnswer. I haven’t been able to find any actual Church teaching on that though, it tends to not be very specific on the issue.
 
carol_marie said:
Not sure what you mean by homosexual relationship - without sex? That sounds like a very close friendship? Could you be more specific?
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Exactly. Love is love, there’s no such thing as homosexual love and strait love. The problem only arises when a person with a homosexual orientation directs that love towards sexual activity.

Technically one cannot participate in a homosexual relationship without sex. From the Webster Dictionary…

**Homosexual **: of, relating to, or involving sexual intercourse between persons of the same sex
 
It is possible for a true friendship to develop from what started as a sexual relationship but one must always be on the lookout for the hear occasion of sin and ensure that your confessor is aware of the relationship. Always maintain seperate beds and avoid gropery. Otherwise, the need for companionship is a real one for everyone and people with SSA are no exceptions.

Recommened reading: Beyond Gay by David Morrison.
 
Wow, you are really feeling the calling aren’t you? That’s pretty cool. Personally I don’t think you can have a homosexual relationship even if you are abstaining, since it is what is in our hearts that is the real sin. I mean, I am getting a divorce and even once that still goes through, I can’t start any sort of a romantic relationship with anyone because it would be considered adultery. I’m going to see about getting an annulment, but even in the event that goes through, I still am not going to be able to date anyone who is divorced. So, pretty much, I am looking at spending the rest of my life alone. It’s not what I would choose, but it is what I accept because my relationship with God is more important than anything else.
 
Abira said:
I’ll maybe go into this if anyone asks but there’s not enough space here lol 🙂

erm… I was thinking about my life in the long term and I was wondering what position is taken when looking at homosexual relationships that abstained from sex…

I don’t know if it is possible but I have felt lately that my personal issues kind of drove a wedge between me and religion and only lately am I thinking about everything again…

I feel as though I can’t think about myself and religion at the same time, like they have to be seperate…and so this question came to me today. I’d be really grateful for anyone’s views on it.

thanks, Sarah
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Hi Sarah:

I’m not sure what you mean by abstain. If you mean one is willing, but withholding oneself from carrying out the act, then that is not permitted.

When the thought presents itself as a temptation, either in the form to carry out an act of opportunity, or, to carry out the thought of thinking of the act as being delectable, then we are to reject them. The individual can remove himself from the occasion of sin, and the thought can be diverted to something else to occupy the mind.

The former would be when the act can be realized formerly ie: a partner suggests to do it, the latter when one sits quietly to contemplate the pleasure of the thought. Either one is a sin.

Allowing oneself to be receptive to HS is unhealthy, and leaves one open to more serious temptation. It is impossible for evil to have a foothold in the door to sin, if we do not agree to open the door.

AndyF
 
Abira said:
I suppose my problem, as I’m only a young woman, is the idea of spending my life by myself without any sort of companionship.
I don’t believe you can choose your sexuality, at least I can’t. so companionship is how I’d define the relationship.
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How would this be any different from an unmarried heterosexual attracted man/woman exercising prudence and discretion in developing opposite sex personal relationships with an unavailable person (clergy, religious, married, divorced without annulment) where romantic attraction is a real potential for the lonely of heart or otherwise lonely? As Christians, we are called first and foremost to seek holiness of life and person, at all costs. Jesus does promise “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” to those who take up their cross and follow after him.

“Tke my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 29-30
 
I think the important distinction to remember is that feelings are just feelings…they are neither good nor bad. The Catechism states pretty clearly that it is homosexual ACTS that are intrinsically disordered, not the entire person.

In the OP’s case, I can certainly understand the desire for companionship…most people don’t want to be alone. I am assuming you mean living with someone of the same sex as a sort of sister-sister relationship. While I don’t think there is anything WRONG with that (otherwise…how could I have had female college roommates?) the question to ask yourself is “does living in such a situation make the temptation to commit homosexual acts ubearable/difficult?” It may be a situation where you set yourself up to fail. Also, it could be a cause of scandal if people knew that you had a same-sex attraction, and were living with a person of the same sex, people might assume things, and it might confuse them.

If you have the desire to pray the rosary, do it! 🙂 Ask Our Lady for guidance, after all, one of her titles is Virgin Most Prudent and I would hope that any Catholic you would come across would take the Catechism’s instructions seriously, that people with a same-sex attraction deserve the same respect and love that anyone else does.
 
It is important to have close friendships with members of the same sex. This would mean more than “a homosexual relationship with abstinance”. It is a whole way of thinking- of looking at the other person.
 
Because sexual intercourse is the ultimate in the bond between a man and his wife, it follows that it would be massively difficult to love someone ‘up to a point’.

Two homosexuals in a non-sexual relationship are still sinning, because the intent is there. Let me clarify, homosexuals are not always having sex all the time, but this is not a case of sin only being present when the act takes place, it is the whole thing that is wrong.

One basic flaw in this argument is that barring sex a homosexual relationship is ok. Friendship with others of the same sex is ok, but for all those who experience normal sexual attraction, you may think of the difficulty not being attracted to someone of the opposite sex who happens to be stunningly attractive.

Because intercourse is reserved solely for marriage between a man and a woman, the build-up, e.g courtship, hugging, kissing, spending time with each other is ok. But it does not follow that doing the other stuff is ok for homosexuals, because they are pointers towards marriage and intercourse, which of course are totally off limits to homosexual persons.

That doesn’t mean its easy.

Heck, I don’t suffer from SSA, but thinking about the priesthood and spending my lifetime alone is a little scary, to think that it is forced upon you is even worse. But, the Lord only gives what we can take, and this affliction is designed to put you through a crash course towards the Lord.

Thats my tuppence!

Peace and God Bless!
 
Abira said:
I’ll maybe go into this if anyone asks but there’s not enough space here lol 🙂

erm… I was thinking about my life in the long term and I was wondering what position is taken when looking at homosexual relationships that abstained from sex…

I don’t know if it is possible but I have felt lately that my personal issues kind of drove a wedge between me and religion and only lately am I thinking about everything again…

I feel as though I can’t think about myself and religion at the same time, like they have to be seperate…and so this question came to me today. I’d be really grateful for anyone’s views on it.

thanks, Sarah
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You can have friends who are girls.

However the amount of support you can expect from them is limited. Friendship has to be reciprocal, so every favour is subconsciously calculated. The whole doesn’t have to balance perfectly, but there must be some sort of equality there.

Sexual love is not like that. A man will happily bestow money on a woman he loves, even for nothing, often even if she ridicules him and rejects him. However it is not always easy for a woman to find a man who will love her. Some women who have failed in their relationships with men think that maybe an easy option is to start a sexual relationship with another woman. Unfortunately life is not as simple as that.
 
Malcolm_McLean said:
However it is not always easy for a woman to find a man who will love her. Some women who have failed in their relationships with men think that maybe an easy option is to start a sexual relationship with another woman. Unfortunately life is not as simple as that.
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I can promise you, this isn’t the case for most people. I have often had to reject men, I just feel like that is not an option 🙂

I supose many of the comments people have said have hit a theme… that I’m trying to find a happy medium that keeps everyone happy, I don’t know how do-able that is…
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dulcissima:
Wow, you are really feeling the calling aren’t you?
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I don’t understand what you mean by the call lol… I think it’s a cultural barrier 🙂

One thing I would say is that I think it’s unimaginable that someone should never have any feelings of attraction… ever…
is it wrong for a heterosexual person to have feelings of attraction for people they are not married to? I haven’t answered lots of people asking about definitions. I seem ambiguous sometimes as I’m not sure of myself yet… so take it as you interpret it

take care of yourselves,
Sarah
 
Abira said:
I don’t have a priest to talk to as I’m not Catholic…
I haven’t received communion since last Christmas, mostly as I had to work, and now that I don’t I feel like I shouldn’t be there, or aren’t wanted there. I have lately had this massive urge to pray The Rosary though, despite being brought up with quite negative views on Catholicism, I don’t know what to make of that…

I suppose my problem, as I’m only a young woman, is the idea of spending my life by myself without any sort of companionship.
I don’t believe you can choose your sexuality, at least I can’t. so companionship is how I’d define the relationship.

My Father is an Anglican vicar, but I don’t feel I can talk about it with him.

I asked the question as I know of several celibate lesbian women…

jmcrae lol…I shan’t bore you with feminist definitions of definitions of ‘sex’… IM me 🙂
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I can understand your fear of ‘spending …life without any sort of companionship’. I am a heterosexual woman, widowed for almost 20 years who once thought that there was no way God would want a lovely, vibrant, intelligent woman like myself to be ‘without companionship’…and I used it as a reason to stay away from the Church because that whole ‘you must be married to have sex’ thing was just being old fashioned, right?
Since returning to the Church I have had to really examine what it is I am afraid of in terms of giving my life totally to Christ, to live within the parameters of the Holy Mother Church? Basically it is around the ‘being alone’ fear - that I will end up the little old lady at the end of the block with 19 cats that no one will know is dead until all the newspapers pile up outside her door…you know, that fear…
At some point I had to believe that God is either all or God is nothing. I had to decide that all the ideas, plans, issues, dreams, etc I had for MYSELF might not be God’s plan for me at all…and if the way I was living my life right NOW, was actually what His plan was for me then could I be happy and trust that it is the BEST life for me in the Universe?

I would urge you to find a good, orthodox priest to talk to about this issue…even if it means talking to Father Vincent here at Catholic Answers on the telephone as a start.
My prayers are with you…
 
I’ve had lots of people telling me that I should talk to a priest…an ‘orthodox’ priest…

is it that they feel a protestant or ‘other’ vicar/priest might not offer the right guidance?

I’m always a bit reluctant about priests (wait I should have whispered that part, right? lol) I don’t really know what drew me to a Catholic forum lol… but I will think about your advice Leslie.

Sarah
 
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